Self-Identity Loss / Crisis?

hlvonb · December 2013

So I was talking to a friend of mine today who has been married for about 5 years. She asked me if I am worried that I will have a self-identity crisis or loss of who I am? I told her that I didn't think I would. After all, I will still be the same person as I am now. The only thing that will be changing is my last name and that I will be a wife. I like chocolate now and I am sure I will like chocolate after I am married. (Silly example I know) but the point is that I will still be the same person.

She said that she asked because it happened to her after she had been married for about 1 month and that it lasted for about 6 months and that she decided to get counseling to help her with it.

For those who are NOT yet married: Do you think you might go through something like that? If so, when do you think it might help?

For those who ARE married: Did you go through something like this? If so, how long after you were married did it come on? Did you get past it? If so, how long did it take? Did you do it on your own or get professional help? Do you have any advice for someone who might go through this?

doeydo · December 2013

I cannot tell the future, but I don't think I will go through something like that just because I am marrying my FI.

Gina0887 · December 2013

You will still be the same person, and I feel like those who do change are passive and need to communicate more openly to not lose site of the fact that you are still 2 separate people who are choosing to walk beside each other.

CMGragain · December 2013

It sounds to me as if your friend needed the counseling BEFORE she was married. Premarital counseling is always a good idea.
Identity crisis? I have no idea what she is talking about.

chibiyui · December 2013

I don't think marriage will do that to me.

That said, FI and I are discussing future kids, and financially it makes more sense for me to become a SAHM then work and pay for daycare. That is the transition I worry about.

pumpkinsandturkeys · December 2013

I think it would only be a hard adjustment if there were a lot of things changing all at once, ie: moving in together, combining finances, changing your name... For us, we've lived together for 4 of the 4.5 years we've been together, we've already figured out the finance angle, and our lives are generally lived as a married couple anyways. The only difference will be that I'll be someone's wife (which is a little odd, I'll admit), and later, someone's mom (weirder), and my last name will change (but I already changed it once to my stepdad's last name, so no big deal there). I think it is what you make of it, and if there are a lot of changes coming to your situation after marriage and you don't prepare for them ahead of time, then it could be a bit of a shock.

seshat303 · December 2013

I'm not worried about an identity crisis after getting married. Heck, I'm not even changing my last name. I'm totally worried about turning into my mother after having kids though. I feel like that's a bigger life change since I've already been living with FI for two years so I doubt there ate many lifestyle changes that will happen once we're married.

monkeysip · December 2013

I've only been married a little over 6 months, but I haven't felt any issues with self-identity loss as related to marriage.

For a long time though I've struggled with the whole "What am I supposed to do in life" thing, like career wise, but I don't think marriage affected it. I did get pregnant a few months into our marriage though, and I am majorly struggling with whether to keep working or not. Financially, I should really keep working at my current job after the baby, but my job is so time-consuming and stressful, I'm not sure how good of a mom I will be.

But that's a different kind of issue. I don't think I've lost my identity in marriage at all.

Drewsgirl31 · December 2013

I don't know that I would call it an identity crisis but there are definitely days that I don't feel like myself or like I've lost myself. We've been married 4.5 years together almost 6 and have a little boy turning 2. On top of that I'm also a student, nanny, daughter, sister, friend, caretaker so yes there are days that I think what about me? Where do I fit in? My husband works 6 days a week most weeks, plus is a volunteer fire fighter. He can tell when I'm having one of those days and usually after I get the kids to bed I'm greeted with a charged Nook, glass of wine and a hot bath lol or dinner out with my best friends. While there are SO many other things I would like to spend my time doing, I also know and realize after that bath that I have the best life if ever thought I could have.

I think the most important thing is to try to do something for yourself when you can and make maintaining your relationship with your spouse when/if kids are added to the mix. How many times do we hear the stories of divorce after the kids grow up because the parents have grown apart or only focused on the kids?

monkeysip · December 2013

Yup, the best thing you can do for your children is keep your marriage strong! Kids need parents who love each other and have a great relationship!

LD1970 · December 2013

Nope. Married almost 5 years. We moved in together just a couple months before the wedding, so that was an adjustment. And I changed my last name. But I've got a very strong personality and I'm still me, if anything more so. Never had a doubt.

misshart00 · December 2013

I've never had an identity crisis with marriage. I've been married almost two years and we didn't love together before. Combined finances and changed my name. Still feel like myself.

NavyBlue143 · December 2013

We didn't live together before marriage, so there was a phase of near constant togetherness, and I suck at making friends since I'm so shy, so living in a new area was rough, but we still had our own lives. Definitely not something I needed therapy for. Eventually I made new friends, got a new job, and found social events to go to. Never lost my identity.

hlvonb · December 2013

Gina0887 said:

You will still be the same person, and I feel like those who do change are passive and need to communicate more openly to not lose site of the fact that you are still 2 separate people who are choosing to walk beside each other.

@Gina0887

I know I will be the same person. I am not really worried about going through it. I was curious as to how many other people (besides my friend who has been married for a while).

hlvonb · December 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

Right now is a stressful time because of big life changes upcoming (leaving grad school, looking for a job, moving in May/June) but I don't know if I would call it an identity crisis. It's always been a priority for H and I to have our own identities after we got married and moved in together because we were both very used to being on our own after being long distance for four years. I imagine a lot of people go through this after being married for a few months after the newness and glow wears off and you realize that you're married FOREVER. It's a scary thought! I would definitely see a counselor if those feelings lasted any more than a few weeks.

@alisonmarie658

Yes it is a scary thought but it's also exciting for me. I am excited to become Mrs. H... B.....

I don't think I will go through anything like that (or at least not much of one) but if I do, I agree that after a few weeks, I would need to seek counseling if it wasn't getting better.

hlvonb · December 2013

CMGragain said:

It sounds to me as if your friend needed the counseling BEFORE she was married. Premarital counseling is always a good idea.
Identity crisis? I have no idea what she is talking about.

@CMGragain

Yes premarital counseling is always good and she was married in a Lutheran church so I know she and her fiance (now husband) were required to go through it. I don't know if crisis was / is the right word but it's the word she used.

hlvonb · December 2013

chibiyui said:

I don't think marriage will do that to me. That said, FI and I are discussing future kids, and financially it makes more sense for me to become a SAHM then work and pay for daycare. That is the transition I worry about.

@chibiyui

Yeah, I agree with the transition of becoming a SAHM as the one that might be hard as well. I don't know what arrangement FI and I will have when we have kids. We decided that since we want to wait to have kids, it will really depend on what jobs we have and fiances, etc, etc, before we make a set decision on whether or not we would both work or if 1 would stay at home or what ever other arrangement we decide on.

hlvonb · December 2013

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

I think it would only be a hard adjustment if there were a lot of things changing all at once, ie: moving in together, combining finances, changing your name... For us, we've lived together for 4 of the 4.5 years we've been together, we've already figured out the finance angle, and our lives are generally lived as a married couple anyways. The only difference will be that I'll be someone's wife (which is a little odd, I'll admit), and later, someone's mom (weirder), and my last name will change (but I already changed it once to my stepdad's last name, so no big deal there). I think it is what you make of it, and if there are a lot of changes coming to your situation after marriage and you don't prepare for them ahead of time, then it could be a bit of a shock.

@pumpkinsandturkeys

I think it might be a small shock when I hear someone say "hey Mrs. (last name)" but I think that's all and that would probably go away pretty quick.

hlvonb · December 2013

seshat303 said:

I'm not worried about an identity crisis after getting married. Heck, I'm not even changing my last name. I'm totally worried about turning into my mother after having kids though. I feel like that's a bigger life change since I've already been living with FI for two years so I doubt there ate many lifestyle changes that will happen once we're married.

@seshat303

What exactly do you mean about you're worried about turning into your mother? Was she not the greatest of mothers (no offense) or just overly strict or ??

hlvonb · December 2013

Thanks ladies!

KytchynWitche · December 2013

I've seen people go through this, and in my (admittedly limited) experience it's usually people who weren't didn't have a strong sense of their identity before they got married that it happens to. Or people who think that getting married will magically make their life better.

I think as long as you know who you are and are confident in yourself, you'll be fine.

WinstonsGirl · December 2013

Nothing changed after we got married. We even asked each other if we felt different, since so many people told us we would. nope. Still felt the same. For the record, we lived together and bought a house together before we got married and I didn't change my last name. I did get a kick out of my name tag at DH's company Christmas party after we got married where I was "WinstonsGirl DHLastname". It was just easier to his work to identify who I was though

seshat303 · December 2013

@hlvonb She wasn't a bad mother at all, but super anxious, rather nuerotic, and big on the guilt trips. I just don't want to be the kind of person who freaks out if people take towels out of the wrong closet. I do love my mom, but she can drive me absolutely crazy.

thejucheidea · December 2013

Absolutely nothing has changed about either of us or our relationship aside from the fact that we share a surname now. We're the same people we were prior to our marriage.

climbingsingle · December 2013

I can say with certainty that I will not experience this. I am 33 years old. I know who I am. I have a strong sense of self. Not much is going to change once we get married.

MrsDeRuyter87 · December 2013

I think maybe your friend had PPD after the wedding as opposed to an "identity" crisis. I have heard it is common for women to get so wrapped up in wedding planning that when all is said and done they feel like something is "off"

pumpkinsandturkeys · December 2013

MrsDeRuyter87 said:

I think maybe your friend had PPD after the wedding as opposed to an "identity" crisis. I have heard it is common for women to get so wrapped up in wedding planning that when all is said and done they feel like something is "off"

Very true -- especially for brides that plan over an extended period of time, and spend the majority of their engagement doing wedding things, and not balancing it out enough with non-wedding stuff... They can hit a withdrawal period where they suddenly don't know how to fill their time or how to relate to people without it being about the wedding. It's like empty nest syndrome, but for brides.

CrazyCatLady3 · December 2013

Congrats @monkeysip

monkeysip · December 2013

Thanks!

Belthil · December 2013

Months before my wedding my mom told me to expect an identity crisis of sorts because I would no longer be Belthil Maidenname but Belthil H'slastname. She was speaking from personal experience because after marrying my father she would go on walks and cry because she had no idea who this new person was - they were and are very happy but my mom places a lot of emphasis on names. She almost cried when I told her I was taking H's last name.

I didn't look at marrying H and changing my name as changing who I was. I am the same person I was prior to marriage. I think that's why I haven't had any problem. And a name is a name that being said I still pause when I go to sign my name but that's mostly because I haven't had to do it a lot since changing my name, which was just over a month ago. I think it'll just take some time.

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

I don't think I'll go through that, and I can tell by the fact that there is no difference at all between myself when I'm with FI and myself when I'm not with FI. I don't change anything about the way I act or speak when I'm with FI, so I doubt marriage will change that.

Marriage is a legal document and a celebration (And even the celebration is optional.) So I view marriage as an empty box- love, happiness, commitment, those don't just come free with the legal document, those are things you have to supply. Marriage only has as much meaning as you give it, wether that's positive or negative is entirely your choice. Nowhere in that legal document is it written that you'll end up happy or sad. Nobody is going to fall in love just because they're now married, and nobody is going to fall out of love just because they're married.

If she has an identity crisis, it's because she either isn't certain of who she is, or married someone who suppresses who she is, which is a relationship issue, not a guaranteed issue that comes with being married. I don't believe in making sweeping statements about marriage in general, saying "Everyone who ever gets married will have this problem" is just dumb, it's just people blaming their own relationship issues on the idea of marriage rather than admitting it's just them having issues.

There would be a lot less bitter people if people could just get it through their heads that marriage doesn't guarantee anything, that it won't "Fix" any issues or "Prove" you're in love, and it certainly won't make you fall in love, and if any of that is part of your reasoning for getting married, it's probably a bad idea. You shouldn't get married if you're not already happy. I don't think enough people understand this.

Self-Identity Loss / Crisis?

Re: Self-Identity Loss / Crisis?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards