Open Bar vs Cash Bar

bridgtmcw · January 2014

My FH and I like to drink socially, Inlaws like to drink alot, and my dad doesnt drink. My in laws want an open bar (that they are paying for), but do not want to help with food for reception. I want a cash bar with beer and wine included to save on money and to be able to help with food(which my fh and i have to fully cover). Our wedding size is 150 people. Ideas?

Jen4948 · January 2014

Cash bars are rude. If you aren't willing to pay for drinks, you don't serve them. They are not a requirement, regardless of what your FILs want.

bridgtmcw · January 2014

@jen4948 I am not looking to do a full cash bar ( but I see what you are saying). But wouldn't it make more sense to have FILs help with food rather than bar?

Jen4948 · January 2014

bridgtmcw said:

@jen4948 I am not looking to do a full cash bar ( but I see what you are saying). But wouldn't it make more sense to have FILs help with food rather than bar?

You should not be looking to do any type of cash bar, full or limited. It is rude to expect your guests to pay for drinks or any part of their provisions.

You can tell your FILs that based on your budget, you can't provide a full open bar. If that's what they want, they can then offer to pay for it (don't ask them directly, but if they make the offer, you can feel free to accept it).

But limited bars are okay. You can have just beer, wine, and virgin drinks and still be polite, providing you pay for it all yourself. You can't pass on any of the costs to your guests, just as you wouldn't in your home.

bridgtmcw · January 2014

This is were we are getting confused, FILs ARE paying for open bar but are not helping with food.

The cash bar was my compromise to have them help with food.

manateehugger · January 2014

bridgtmcw said:

This is were we are getting confused, FILs ARE paying for open bar but are not helping with food.
The cash bar was my compromise to have them help with food.

Cash bars are never acceptable in any form; that's telling your guests they have to fund part of your reception (which is supposed to be a thank you to them for attending the ceremony).

What did your FILs say? "We are giving X amount to your wedding" or "We will cover bar expenses?" You don't get to dictate how they spend their money.

bridgtmcw · January 2014

If they want an open bar they can pay for it, but in my opinion they should also consider helping with food since that is more important than alcohol

Jen4948 · January 2014

bridgtmcw said:

If they want an open bar they can pay for it, but in my opinion they should also consider helping with food since that is more important than alcohol

It's not up to them to pay for anything. The persons whose responsibility that is are you and your FI.

Parents are not required to finance the wedding. And it would be rude of you to ask them. If they offer, you can take them up on it, but you cannot politely make the request.

manateehugger · January 2014

bridgtmcw said:

If they want an open bar they can pay for it, but in my opinion they should also consider helping with food since that is more important than alcohol

I'm assuming they didn't offer to pay for food then? That's not your call since it's not your money.

Accept their offer for open bar if you'd like and then figure out what type of food you can afford. Your guests shouldn't have to pick up the tab.

AprilH81 · January 2014

Cash bars in any way, shape or form are rude. Let your in-laws pay for the bar if they want to and YOU pay for the rest of it.

jessica1314 · January 2014

First, I say let your Inlaws pay for what they want to pay for. Of its cash bar, awesome! 2nd, cash bars are not rude in many circles -.including mine. You'll hear that it is until the cows come home on here, but IMO it's rather normal for many.

AprilH81 · January 2014

jessica1314 said:

First, I say let your Inlaws pay for what they want to pay for. Of its cash bar, awesome! 2nd, cash bars are not rude in many circles -.including mine. You'll hear that it is until the cows come home on here, but IMO it's rather normal for many.

"Normal" does not make it any less rude.

chibiyui · January 2014

Normal does not equal right.

Jen4948 · January 2014

jessica1314 said:

First, I say let your Inlaws pay for what they want to pay for. Of its cash bar, awesome! 2nd, cash bars are not rude in many circles -.including mine. You'll hear that it is until the cows come home on here, but IMO it's rather normal for many.

Actually, cash bars are rude in many circles. The fact that your circle is okay with it does not make it polite.

jessica1314 · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

jessica1314 said:

First, I say let your Inlaws pay for what they want to pay for. Of its cash bar, awesome! 2nd, cash bars are not rude in many circles -.including mine. You'll hear that it is until the cows come home on here, but IMO it's rather normal for many.

Actually, cash bars are rude in many circles. The fact that your circle is okay with it does not make it polite.

Actually I didn't say it was polite. I said that they weren't rude in many circles, including mine. Your many circles are probably very different than my many circles, so there's no need for a circle debate. I'm entitled to my opinion of what's appropriate in my circles, as you stated yours.

JoanE2012 · January 2014

bridgtmcw said:

My FH and I like to drink socially, Inlaws like to drink alot, and my dad doesnt drink. My in laws want an open bar (that they are paying for), but do not want to help with food for reception. I want a cash bar with beer and wine included to save on money and to be able to help with food(which my fh and i have to fully cover). Our wedding size is 150 people. Ideas?

Cash bars, even partial cash bars, are rude. If you cannot afford to fully host an open bar, then just have beer and wine. Even a dry wedding is fine! But under no circumstance should any of your guests have to open up their wallet at any time.

jessica1314 · January 2014

JoanE2012 said:

bridgtmcw said:

My FH and I like to drink socially, Inlaws like to drink alot, and my dad doesnt drink. My in laws want an open bar (that they are paying for), but do not want to help with food for reception. I want a cash bar with beer and wine included to save on money and to be able to help with food(which my fh and i have to fully cover). Our wedding size is 150 people. Ideas?

Cash bars, even partial cash bars, are rude. If you cannot afford to fully host an open bar, then just have beer and wine. Even a dry wedding is fine! But under no circumstance should any of your guests have to open up their wallet at any time.

I'd rather pay for a drink than not have the option.

manateehugger · January 2014

jessica1314 said:

JoanE2012 said:

bridgtmcw said:

My FH and I like to drink socially, Inlaws like to drink alot, and my dad doesnt drink. My in laws want an open bar (that they are paying for), but do not want to help with food for reception. I want a cash bar with beer and wine included to save on money and to be able to help with food(which my fh and i have to fully cover). Our wedding size is 150 people. Ideas?

Cash bars, even partial cash bars, are rude. If you cannot afford to fully host an open bar, then just have beer and wine. Even a dry wedding is fine! But under no circumstance should any of your guests have to open up their wallet at any time.

I'd rather pay for a drink than not have the option.

That is requesting something (unnecessary) that your host is unwilling or unable to provide, and is very rude. And seriously, you can't attend and have fun at a dry wedding? How friendly and supportive of you.

jessica1314 · January 2014

PDKH said:

jessica1314 said:

JoanE2012 said:

bridgtmcw said:

My FH and I like to drink socially, Inlaws like to drink alot, and my dad doesnt drink. My in laws want an open bar (that they are paying for), but do not want to help with food for reception. I want a cash bar with beer and wine included to save on money and to be able to help with food(which my fh and i have to fully cover). Our wedding size is 150 people. Ideas?

Cash bars, even partial cash bars, are rude. If you cannot afford to fully host an open bar, then just have beer and wine. Even a dry wedding is fine! But under no circumstance should any of your guests have to open up their wallet at any time.

I'd rather pay for a drink than not have the option.

That is requesting something (unnecessary) that your host is unwilling or unable to provide, and is very rude. And seriously, you can't attend and have fun at a dry wedding? How friendly and supportive of you.

Um, what? Who said I asked for anything? I simply stated what I would rather...wait, did you think I was going to her wedding and I was telling her what I want? So you think people who think cash bars are rude are also more supportive and friendly than those that would be willing to pay for a drink? Also, I'm a grown maître adult. I can go many places without having a drink to have fun. Including the OPs wedding (OP, send me PM if you need to confirm my address!).

doeydo · January 2014

OP, please don't offer anything that your guests will have to pay for.
http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/995381/cash-bars-everything-you-need-to-know-in-one-place/p1

CMGragain · January 2014

bridgtmcw said:

My FH and I like to drink socially, Inlaws like to drink alot, and my dad doesnt drink. My in laws want an open bar (that they are paying for), but do not want to help with food for reception. I want a cash bar with beer and wine included to save on money and to be able to help with food(which my fh and i have to fully cover). Our wedding size is 150 people. Ideas?
Cash bars are rude. This is not my opinion. It is stated by every respected etiquette authority such as Emily Post, Miss Manners, Amy Vanderbilt, Bridal Bargains (which shows you how to save money!)
Have the wedding that you can afford. If someone offers to pay for an open bar, you may accept their kind offer, but you don't get to take the money and spend it on something else. There are many ways to have a lovely wedding and save money, but having a cash bar isn't one of them. Have a morning wedding with a brunch buffet. Have an afternoon wedding with cake and punch. Have an evening wedding with beer and wine. Do NOT have a cash bar!

AddieCake · January 2014

Cash bars are inappropriate. You would never ask guests to pay for anything else at the wedding; why would you ask them to pay for their drinks?

Jen4948 · January 2014

jessica1314 said:

Jen4948 said:

jessica1314 said:

First, I say let your Inlaws pay for what they want to pay for. Of its cash bar, awesome! 2nd, cash bars are not rude in many circles -.including mine. You'll hear that it is until the cows come home on here, but IMO it's rather normal for many.

Actually, cash bars are rude in many circles. The fact that your circle is okay with it does not make it polite.

Actually I didn't say it was polite. I said that they weren't rude in many circles, including mine. Your many circles are probably very different than my many circles, so there's no need for a circle debate. I'm entitled to my opinion of what's appropriate in my circles, as you stated yours.

You're entitled to your opinion, but your opinion does not constitute politeness or etiquette. What i told you is not "my opinion" - it is what etiquette requires.

Cash bars in any form are rude.

I am sick and tired of the "that's your opinion-you're entitled to it, I'm entitled to mine" crap whenever someone is told that what they want to do or approve of is rude.

indianaalum · January 2014

Cash bars are etiquette faux pas. DO NOT DO IT

climbingsingle · January 2014

I'm not sure why you think you can pick and choose what you want your ILs to pay for. They offered to pay for an open bar. Why do you think you can force them to pay towards the food too???

Any type of a cash bar is rude. It's not a regional thing. It's not an opinion thing. It's an etiquette thing.

xxrynnexx · January 2014

If I personally choose to have a dry wedding but know some of my guests would like to bring their own drinks and I'm fine with that, how do I address that issue? Just not mention it until someone asks if they may bring alcohol?

Jen4948 · January 2014

xxrynnexx said:

If I personally choose to have a dry wedding but know some of my guests would like to bring their own drinks and I'm fine with that, how do I address that issue? Just not mention it until someone asks if they may bring alcohol?

If you're planning to have a dry wedding, then you should enforce that the wedding is dry, even if you personally don't mind if guests drink.

It's rude of guests to bring their own provisions to someone else's hosted event that is not a potluck. It sends the message: "Your hospitality isn't good enough for me; plus, I don't respect you enough to honor your decision not to serve alcohol for whatever reason."

manateehugger · January 2014

xxrynnexx said:

If I personally choose to have a dry wedding but know some of my guests would like to bring their own drinks and I'm fine with that, how do I address that issue? Just not mention it until someone asks if they may bring alcohol?

Besides the horrible etiquette faux pas that is a BYOB event (guests should never be required to bring their own provisions), this could be a huge liability issue. Will your venue even allow this? What do social host laws look like in your area?

A guest who requests to bring their own because what you're offering isn't good enough is being super rude. If they ask, just simply state that your wedding will be dry and you hope to see them there.

bridet0be15 · January 2014

I would not find it rude to go to a cash bar wedding. However, that is not what you are asking...

I completely understand where you are coming from buuuut I do not think you should ask them to switch where their funding is going...

If it is so important to your fiancee family to have an open and that they are offering to pay for it then that is how they want to spend their money. I do not think it would be appropriate to ask them to pay for food instead. It doesn't sound like they are giving you a sum of money to say "do what you want with it".

For instance my mom wants to buy my wedding gown as a sentimental thing.. I would never say instead of buying the wedding dress can you just give me the money to buy what I want with it instead.

Be gracious for what they are giving you

mrsbanany · January 2014

Back to OP's original point, regardless of the appropriateness of cash bars, you cannot tell someone how to spend their money. If they want an open bar and are willing to pay for it, that is the only thing they are paying for. Don't tell them what you want because in this instance it doesn't matter what you want. My parents are graciously paying for my entire wedding. I wanted the shrimp dish but my mom wanted the filet - the filet won because she was paying. That is how it works.

On the open vs cash bar issue and in relation to what @PDKH was saying regarding liability. My venue and many that I looked at will not allow an open bar for the entire length of the event. The bar must switch to cash for the last hour as a liability issue. What they told me is that if a guest drinks too much and gets behind the wheel and gets into an accident (which yes most people drink responsibly, but lets be honest, there is always one or two that don't), the liability falls on the person who bought the last drink. So with an open bar that liability falls on you as the host, with a cash bar the liability falls on the venue which most likely has a 1mil or higher insurance policy. Not sure if that is a law in my state or just the trend for venues in my state but that is the policy for quite a few of the venues.

BecauseYouAre · January 2014

bridgtmcw said:
This is were we are getting confused, FILs ARE paying for open bar but are not helping with food.
The cash bar was my compromise to have them help with food.

Your FILs did not offer to contribute money to the wedding just offeted to pay for a open bar. In that case I don't think you can say I'll take half of what you offered and host wine and beer and then use the other half towards something else.

Any form of cash bar is a big etiquette faux pas whether its after 9pm or top shelf liquor don't do it.
If you only want to servre a limited bar and FILs say that' s fine and please put the remainder of the money to something else then you're good. If not that's the way it goes.

Most importantly no matter who pays how much for what having ANYTHING available to your guest that they have to pay for is the ultimate in bad hosting.

If you think its okay to offer some drinks to your guests that they would have to pay so you can spend more on the food would you think it was okay to offer your guests a chicken entrée and say they can have seafood or beef if they pay for it? Same thing.

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