Maids bought me plane ticket - don't want to go.

[Deleted User] · January 2014

So for my bridal shower my friends from highschool (would be bridesmaids but I'm having a family only no bridesmaids ceremony) all pitched in and bought me a ticket to come from NYC to San Francisco to see them... about 5 of them live there and I live here. Anyways, they gave me about an 8 week notice, after I just took off time to see them and do the bridal shower over Christmas. I will also be taking off another two weeks in the next six months to do my actual wedding, reception, and honeymoon. It is really nice that they bought me a plane ticket to see them, but they scheduled the dates to overlap with basically my entire work week (four days, and I work weekends). So not only would be loosing money by taking an entire week off of work but also the expenses of being out in SF for four days with them. It'll hit me at about $500 if I am frugal about my spending in SF. With my wedding coming up, my crazy current schedule, and the fact that I JUST saw them, I really don't feel like taking off and flying out there. They spent about $50 each on this ticket and they expect me to spend $500 on them? It seems really selfish to me. I could pay to trade the ticket to a voucher and just use it for my honeymoon, which is what I asked for of everyone is a honeymoon registry. None of them gave to that. Would that be really selfish of ME? I am trying to think of it from there perspective but it is just a such a huge financial difference and the fact that they've put me in an awkward position of obligation. Should I suck it up and take the hit? I'm sure I'd have fun... or do I make excuse that I couldn't get off of work and trade it in?

kmmssg · January 2014

It was a poorly thought out good intention. You should NEVER spend money you can't afford to spend. Let them know you can't get the time off of work and can't make the trip.

AddieCake · January 2014

Yeah, their intentions were good, but they didn't consider whether or not it would be convenient for you. I would tell them you just can't make it work.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Let them down gently: "Thanks for the ticket, everyone! Unfortunately, my work schedule doesn't permit me to go to San Francisco during the dates of the ticket. I'm so sorry I'm not able to use it."

MairePoppy · January 2014

You should tell them you can't take more time from work and you won't be able to go to SF on that weekend. Let them figure out what they want to do about the ticket. It would be wrong for you to trade the ticket for a voucher. It was also wrong for you request a honeymoon registry.

delujm0 · January 2014

I think they meant well, but a a general rule, i would NEVER buy a flight for someone without running the dates by them first. That was really poor planning on their part.

I would let them decide what to do with the ticket - for all you know they got a refundable ticket and will be able to get their money back. Or perhaps they can change the dates of the trip so that they actually work for you. If they offer you the voucher,at that point I'd say you can use it. but if i were them, I'd want to try to get my money back before offering up that option.

PS - the reason they didn't give to your honeymoon registry is probably that honeymoon registries are extremely rude. Lurk around the boards a little bit and you'll see that a lot of people out there find them offensive (though of course none of your friends/family would ever tell you that to your face).

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

taylorlewisjaramillo said:

So for my bridal shower my friends from highschool (would be bridesmaids but I'm having a family only no bridesmaids ceremony) all pitched in and bought me a ticket to come from NYC to San Francisco to see them... about 5 of them live there and I live here. Anyways, they gave me about an 8 week notice, after I just took off time to see them and do the bridal shower over Christmas. I will also be taking off another two weeks in the next six months to do my actual wedding, reception, and honeymoon. It is really nice that they bought me a plane ticket to see them, but they scheduled the dates to overlap with basically my entire work week (four days, and I work weekends). So not only would be loosing money by taking an entire week off of work but also the expenses of being out in SF for four days with them. It'll hit me at about $500 if I am frugal about my spending in SF. With my wedding coming up, my crazy current schedule, and the fact that I JUST saw them, I really don't feel like taking off and flying out there. They spent about $50 each on this ticket and they expect me to spend $500 on them? It seems really selfish to me. I could pay to trade the ticket to a voucher and just use it for my honeymoon, which is what I asked for of everyone is a honeymoon registry. None of them gave to that. Would that be really selfish of ME? I am trying to think of it from there perspective but it is just a such a huge financial difference and the fact that they've put me in an awkward position of obligation. Should I suck it up and take the hit? I'm sure I'd have fun... or do I make excuse that I couldn't get off of work and trade it in?

It's a shame that they bought the ticket without running the dates by you first. They probably thought that they were doing a great thing. Tell them ASAP that you will have no time off available for the weekend. Apologize profusely. See what they want to do. Maybe offer to purchase the ticket from them because you feel so bad. Once the ticket is fully yours, you can do with it as you please.

And the reason no one gave to your honeymoon registry is because it is rude to ask for cash (especially at a shower - where you are to be showered with physical gifts). Also, honeymoon registries charge either you or your guest a "convenience" fee to use their site. So if Aunt Sally purchased you a dinner on the beach, which she thinks cost $100, you are really getting a check from the company for $94.50. Then you don't even have to take the dinner on the beach that Aunt Sally thinks you are enjoying, so they are also deceitful as well. Get rid of your honeymoon registry, if a guest wants to give you cash, they will give you cash that has no fees attached to it. Then you can do whatever you want with the money! Besides, no one wants to pay for someone else's sexfest.

Teddy917 · January 2014

In addition to the fact that the HM registry was rude, if you're having a private ceremony you shouldn't have accepted a shower. Since all shower guests should be invited to the ceremony.

aurianna · January 2014

That was really sweet of your friends to offer to throw you a shower despite not being invited to the wedding (to be brutally honest, you probably shouldn't have accepted it). And it was extra sweet of them to spend $50 each on a present.

I would definitely apologize and let them know you can't take that particular time off. (ETA: Or just take the time off and go. As you got a shower you shouldn't have had, just consider this breaking back even)
Ask them if the date can be changed and that you would love to see them at a different time.
IMO, asking them to change it into a voucher for your honeymoon is really tacky (even if you end up reimbursing them for it). It shows that you didn't appreciate the gift.

Delete the honeymoon registry. If you're not registered anywhere, I assume that your wedding guests will most likely give you cash anyway (especially if the family blabber mouth mentions that you're saving money to spend on your honeymoon).
(though, I'm also confused why you already have 2 weeks planned for a honeymoon that supposedly isn't paid for?)

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

Your attendants tried to do something very sweet for you, but they didn't really think about it. They should have asked if you could come visit and tell them they'd pay, and then plan the timing with you. This part is totally on them for not planning well. I would tell them you unfortunately can't get any more time off work and are sorry that you can't use the ticket. You could offer to buy it from them, or let the one who purchased it figure out how to reimburse the other girls. I'm going to assume it's non-refundable. Suggest that you cash it in for a voucher and visit them after the wedding sometime. You have a bigger problem now that you accepted the shower they gave you. You're now stuck inviting everyone who was invited to that shower to your wedding. It's the only proper thing to do. If the shower was a complete surprise to you and you didn't know they invited anyone, you MIGHT be able to get out of it on that condition. The girls were in the wrong to invite anyone not invited to the wedding (as were you if you provided them the guest list). They should have skipped the shower and just planned your trip out to see them instead. As nice as they are to you, they know nothing of proper etiquette and may have created huge problems for you. It would be rude of you to not invite these people to the wedding now (the whole wedding). Honeymoon registries are blindingly rude, too. Pay for your own honeymoon or don't take one.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

Your attendants tried to do something very sweet for you, but they didn't really think about it. They should have asked if you could come visit and tell them they'd pay, and then plan the timing with you. This part is totally on them for not planning well. I would tell them you unfortunately can't get any more time off work and are sorry that you can't use the ticket. You could offer to buy it from them, or let the one who purchased it figure out how to reimburse the other girls. I'm going to assume it's non-refundable. Suggest that you cash it in for a voucher and visit them after the wedding sometime. You have a bigger problem now that you accepted the shower they gave you. You're now stuck inviting everyone who was invited to that shower to your wedding. It's the only proper thing to do. If the shower was a complete surprise to you and you didn't know they invited anyone, you MIGHT be able to get out of it on that condition. The girls were in the wrong to invite anyone not invited to the wedding (as were you if you provided them the guest list). They should have skipped the shower and just planned your trip out to see them instead. As nice as they are to you, they know nothing of proper etiquette and may have created huge problems for you. It would be rude of you to not invite these people to the wedding now (the whole wedding). Honeymoon registries are blindingly rude, too. Pay for your own honeymoon or don't take one.

haleyt0 · January 2014

I have to disagree with the honeymoon registry-hate going on here. How antiquated and selfish! It's your choice what to register for - while no one is obligated to buy you ANY kind of gift, there is no shame in being honest about what you would like. Everyone deserves some time to pause and celebrate their new life as a couple. If you need a little help making that happen, who cares? If you registered for "real" gifts, you still know the price tag; there's no modesty going on there either. Asking for a honey-fund allows people to spend easily within their price range and contribute to something you will remember for the rest of your life. You do you, and forget all these whiny people who say its rude. Get it together people - let the couple have their day and start their marriage how they want. Nobody says you have to contribute, but it's really no more "rude" than the perfectly normalized and acceptable gift registry.

KeptInStitches · January 2014

1.) Honeyfund takes a cut out of whatever money is given to you, so if Grandma gave $100 for you to have a romantic dinner, you'll only get, say, $95.

2.) Honeyfund doesn't buy you the experiences - you get the cash. Grandma really didn't buy you a romantic dinner, she gave you $95.

3.) Everyone already knows that cash is a lovely gift for a newly married couple. Why set up a website to request cash from your guests? You run the risk of offending Grandma on top of everything else.

It's just not worth it.

kmmssg · January 2014

haleyt0 said:

I have to disagree with the honeymoon registry-hate going on here. How antiquated and selfish! It's your choice what to register for - while no one is obligated to buy you ANY kind of gift, there is no shame in being honest about what you would like. Everyone deserves some time to pause and celebrate their new life as a couple. If you need a little help making that happen, who cares? If you registered for "real" gifts, you still know the price tag; there's no modesty going on there either. Asking for a honey-fund allows people to spend easily within their price range and contribute to something you will remember for the rest of your life. You do you, and forget all these whiny people who say its rude. Get it together people - let the couple have their day and start their marriage how they want. Nobody says you have to contribute, but it's really no more "rude" than the perfectly normalized and acceptable gift registry.

Somebody has a Honeyfund......

MairePoppy · January 2014

haleyt0 - I nearly always give cash gifts for weddings. The couple can do whatever they like with it. I don't need a middle man to take a cut from my gift and pretend that I'm buying the couple a particular experience, like horseback riding, massages etc.. I also don't agree that everyone is entitled to a honeymoon. Many couples take mini-moons or no 'moons' because they wanted to spend their money on their weddings or new homes. My daughter and her husband went on a honeymoon six months after their wedding, when they could afford it. They didn't expect anyone to chip in for their vacation.

Lyss5362 · January 2014

Teddy917 said:

In addition to the fact that the HM registry was rude, if you're having a private ceremony you shouldn't have accepted a shower. Since all shower guests should be invited to the ceremony.

If it was their choice to have a shower for her then how is it rude for her to accept it? If she decided to have the shower herself and invite people then yes that is rude. My friend and her husband eloped and we threw her a shower. There were only about 10-15 people there but we all knew ahead of time that we wouldn't be at the wedding and we were still willing to have a shower for her and get her gifts. If you think it's rude then don't go but if you decide to go then you lose all rights to call it rude. But that wasn't the point of her posts I hate when people get off topic just to criticize someone. So OP I think your friends should've checked with you before booking a trip. I would never do that without confirming the dates first. If they can't get their money back then I hate to be rude but that's their problem. If I were you I would try my best to make it but if you can't then they should understand.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Lyss5362 said:

Teddy917 said:

In addition to the fact that the HM registry was rude, if you're having a private ceremony you shouldn't have accepted a shower. Since all shower guests should be invited to the ceremony.

If it was their choice to have a shower for her then how is it rude for her to accept it? If she decided to have the shower herself and invite people then yes that is rude. My friend and her husband eloped and we threw her a shower. There were only about 10-15 people there but we all knew ahead of time that we wouldn't be at the wedding and we were still willing to have a shower for her and get her gifts. If you think it's rude then don't go but if you decide to go then you lose all rights to call it rude. But that wasn't the point of her posts I hate when people get off topic just to criticize someone. So OP I think your friends should've checked with you before booking a trip. I would never do that without confirming the dates first. If they can't get their money back then I hate to be rude but that's their problem. If I were you I would try my best to make it but if you can't then they should understand.

It's rude to accept a shower from anyone not being invited to the ceremony. If you (generic) choose to have a private ceremony, the tradeoff is that you (again generic) forfeit any "wedding-related" events like showers from those who are not invited.

aurianna · January 2014

Lyss5362 said:

If it was their choice to have a shower for her then how is it rude for her to accept it? If she decided to have the shower herself and invite people then yes that is rude. My friend and her husband eloped and we threw her a shower. There were only about 10-15 people there but we all knew ahead of time that we wouldn't be at the wedding and we were still willing to have a shower for her and get her gifts. If you think it's rude then don't go but if you decide to go then you lose all rights to call it rude. But that wasn't the point of her posts I hate when people get off topic just to criticize someone. So OP I think your friends should've checked with you before booking a trip. I would never do that without confirming the dates first. If they can't get their money back then I hate to be rude but that's their problem. If I were you I would try my best to make it but if you can't then they should understand.

The wedding isn't for a while. How do we know that someone else might not also offer to throw her a shower? If OP now knows she shouldn't accept showers, then this will help her in the future.

It also helps other brides who may be lurking.

Maids bought me plane ticket - don't want to go.

Re: Maids bought me plane ticket - don't want to go.

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