Wedding invites and the dreaded +1

Liatris2010 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

But just for the sake of argument, I know someone who recently married someone she has dated since seventh grade. Is it rude to not extend SO invites to middle school cousins? I'm not meaning to offend anyone who has married their high school sweetheart or deny that high school relationships can be lasting or serious. I've already decided not to give SO invites to cousins in high school or just out of high school, call it rude if you will, but I'm genuinely curious to see where you have heard that this is against etiquette. I know I already referenced the knot and several of you disagree with their advice, but checked the NY Times column "A Well Mannered Wedding" and they also say it is up to the hosts whether or not to invite BF or GFs of guests. I definitely plan to invite some guests with BFs and GFs but if they are saying its optional to do that even for independent adults, I can't imagine it is that is that big of a faux pas to not invite a guest of an 18 year old. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/11/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html?_r=0

Adults in relationships should be invited with their SO. If a person is over 18, they are an adult, they are invited with their SO. This is not a negotiable tenet, although there is plenty of bad advice out there. "Do whatever you want, it's your special day!!!" sells more books, and, apparently, more newspapers. But picking and choosing which SOs you like enough to invite, and which relationships you deem serious is a great way to insult your friends and their relationships.

As for middle school kids, they aren't adults, so no they don't need to be invited with their SOs. That being said, I did invite my 13 year old cousin's boyfriend. She was very thankful that we included him, and he was very polite and appreciative to be invited. I think she had a better time with a friend her age and it made me happy to make her happy. In no way did meeting him for the first time at our wedding spoil anything for anyone.

Viczaesar · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

In this case "partner" was referring to gay couples (in cases where they cannot be legally spouses) because the next sentence was referring to "serious relationships" which would be BF/GF. You may disagree with The Knot and NYTimes but none of us are born as etiquette experts so I look for advice from those who are generally seen as experts (the author of that column is the granddaughter of Emily Post who writes an etiquette column for the NYTimes). I'm interested to see if someone has a reputable source that disagrees.

Emily Post knew etiquette. Her descendants do not. Miss Manners is a better source than the Emily Post institute.

crunchymamaof2 · January 2014

Yeah okay let's believe everything we read. Because the Knot and Anna Post don't have anything at stake in regards to weddings. Oh wait! Yes they do! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

You know the most important thing I learned from these boards? Is that you don't need a book or an article to teach you etiquette. It's common sense. And if half the people who posted such ridiculous statements would get their heads out of their own asses they'd realize this. Etiquette isn't hard- you simply do what will make your guests most comfortable. Excluding their SO will not make them comfortable in the least. My DH and I were together for 6 years with 2 kids before we got married. By this crap logic you're spewing we don't need to be invited together. Hey, no ring to bring! Gag me. That's a friendship ender right there.

kgd7357 · January 2014

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.

Bolded: wouldn't this be pretty easy to find out?

We don't have any guests who will fall in that grey zone, but I would follow the rule that EITHER high school grad OR 18 is an adult. I guess that's falling on the more generous side of things. I was also a 17 year old college student and definitely would have liked to be invited as an adult; but I think 18 is definitely an adult, whether or not in high school. Some people graduate high school at 19 or 20, even.

Mitch617 · January 2014

I personally am not going by "no ring, no bring". The cousins who are independent adults and have a SO will be invited with that SO. Those that are still teenagers (legal adults or not) will probably not get a SO. I don't imagine it will make them uncomfortable, but if it does they can always choose not to attend. They attend plenty of other family get-togethers without a date, and are not seen as an inseparable "social unit" with a SO, especially a very new SO. Maybe it depends on the family and the amount of cousins in different age groups, but in my family if I had to choose between inviting each 18 yr old with the SO or not inviting the 18 yr old cousins at all.... Not inviting the cousins at all is worse, and THAT would make people uncomfortable.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.

This isn't the rudest thing you can do, but it's awfully lazy to refuse to figure out how old your borderline guests are. Don't you need to know for the bar/caterer anyway?

18 is the age when you can vote, join the military, pay taxes, contract, whatever. It would be absolutely fine to send a 17 year old college student her own invite, but the 18 year old is an adult, whether she's in high school, college, or neither. The 17 year old is a minor.

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

I personally am not going by "no ring, no bring". The cousins who are independent adults and have a SO will be invited with that SO. Those that are still teenagers (legal adults or not) will probably not get a SO. I don't imagine it will make them uncomfortable, but if it does they can always choose not to attend. They attend plenty of other family get-togethers without a date, and are not seen as an inseparable "social unit" with a SO, especially a very new SO. Maybe it depends on the family and the amount of cousins in different age groups, but in my family if I had to choose between inviting each 18 yr old with the SO or not inviting the 18 yr old cousins at all.... Not inviting the cousins at all is worse, and THAT would make people uncomfortable.

When I was 19, just a couple months before I turned 20--so, by your logic, a teenager regardless of the fact that I was a legal adult--I was invited to a family friend's wedding. I told her that my boyfriend (of a year) and I were excited to attend. She said "Wait a minute, the invite is only for you, I'm not inviting your boyfriend." I asked myself, why would I attend a wedding alone when I have a boyfriend? I didn't go.

This is, HONESTLY, the thought process of people in relationships who are invited to weddings without their SO. It's just a rude thing to do to your guests and you're especially rude for deciding when people are old enough for you to take their relationships seriously.

Mitch617 · January 2014

I think the thought process can vary from person to person. Many people think it is rude to do what you did---assuming you could bring a guest without seeing his name or "plus one" on the invitation. Your family friend did exactly what she should have done by being straightforward with you, although she could have added, "I hope you can still make it". It's understandable if you chose not to go but that was probably a chance she was willing to take. When we got engaged, my fiances 21-year-old nephew politely asked if we were going to be able to extend an invite to SOs of relatives because his GF had already mentioned hoping she would be invited and he did not want her to get ahead of herself if we could not accommodate SOs. He is 21 and has been with her for years, and she is often at family gatherings. For all of those reasons we told him of course she would be invited. But I appreciate that he asked rather than assumed, and did not take it upon himself to invite her.

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

I think the thought process can vary from person to person. Many people think it is rude to do what you did---assuming you could bring a guest without seeing his name or "plus one" on the invitation. Your family friend did exactly what she should have done by being straightforward with you, although she could have added, "I hope you can still make it". It's understandable if you chose not to go but that was probably a chance she was willing to take. When we got engaged, my fiances 21-year-old nephew politely asked if we were going to be able to extend an invite to SOs of relatives because his GF had already mentioned hoping she would be invited and he did not want her to get ahead of herself if we could not accommodate SOs. He is 21 and has been with her for years, and she is often at family gatherings. For all of those reasons we told him of course she would be invited. But I appreciate that he asked rather than assumed, and did not take it upon himself to invite her.

Well, it looks like you follow the whole "I'll only invite your SO if I already know them" philosophy--also against etiquette. Besides, I assumed he was invited because I believed that when a person is in a relationship, they are invited as a unit to weddings. My bad for thinking rudely!

ETA Everything worked out just fine, though. That boyfriend's uncle ended up having a destination wedding in Jamaica that summer, which meant a 10-day vacation for everyone at an all-inclusive resort... and guess who was extended an invitation along with her boyfriend.

Mitch617 · January 2014

No, she is not invited because I know her, I'm just saying that is one of the reasons she is an obvious invite, although it was polite of them not to assume. I'm also inviting another cousins GF and I have never met her. They are in their early 20s and live independently from their parents, although they do not live together and are not engaged. It's great that you were included on the trip, but it certainly would not have been rude of the uncle if he opted not to invite a 19 or even 20 yr old nephews GF to a destination wedding.

kgd7357 · January 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.

This isn't the rudest thing you can do, but it's awfully lazy to refuse to figure out how old your borderline guests are. Don't you need to know for the bar/caterer anyway?

18 is the age when you can vote, join the military, pay taxes, contract, whatever. It would be absolutely fine to send a 17 year old college student her own invite, but the 18 year old is an adult, whether she's in high school, college, or neither. The 17 year old is a minor.

You are right. It is a little lazy. My other reasoning for it is that we have several families that have multiple high schoolers. I feel like it would be awkward to send an invite to an 18 y/o and not the 17 or 16 y/os in the house too. It makes it so much easier when you can just send the invite to a college address, and it makes it so much easier to get info directly than through your parents when you don't live with them. Again, it's not the correct etiquette, but it's also a balance between treating people like adults when they should be, and playing the family politics correctly. It is just another perspective.

ETA: We don't have any non-adult meals, so that doesn't matter. Even the one 7 y/o is getting an adult meal at his request. We don't have any borderline under or over 21 guests, but a ton of 15-19 y/os.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

kgd7357 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.

This isn't the rudest thing you can do, but it's awfully lazy to refuse to figure out how old your borderline guests are. Don't you need to know for the bar/caterer anyway?

18 is the age when you can vote, join the military, pay taxes, contract, whatever. It would be absolutely fine to send a 17 year old college student her own invite, but the 18 year old is an adult, whether she's in high school, college, or neither. The 17 year old is a minor.

You are right. It is a little lazy. My other reasoning for it is that we have several families that have multiple high schoolers. I feel like it would be awkward to send an invite to an 18 y/o and not the 17 or 16 y/os in the house too. It makes it so much easier when you can just send the invite to a college address, and it makes it so much easier to get info directly than through your parents when you don't live with them. Again, it's not the correct etiquette, but it's also a balance between treating people like adults when they should be, and playing the family politics correctly. It is just another perspective.

ETA: We don't have any non-adult meals, so that doesn't matter. Even the one 7 y/o is getting an adult meal at his request. We don't have any borderline under or over 21 guests, but a ton of 15-19 y/os.

You treat adults as adults and non-adults as non-adults. It really isn't that hard. If the 16 year old siblings complains that her 18 year old brother got a separate invite and she didn't, well she needs to get over it and realize that even though she is 16 and close to an adult she isn't an adult yet and shouldn't be treated like one.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

kgd7357 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.

This isn't the rudest thing you can do, but it's awfully lazy to refuse to figure out how old your borderline guests are. Don't you need to know for the bar/caterer anyway?

18 is the age when you can vote, join the military, pay taxes, contract, whatever. It would be absolutely fine to send a 17 year old college student her own invite, but the 18 year old is an adult, whether she's in high school, college, or neither. The 17 year old is a minor.

You are right. It is a little lazy. My other reasoning for it is that we have several families that have multiple high schoolers. I feel like it would be awkward to send an invite to an 18 y/o and not the 17 or 16 y/os in the house too. It makes it so much easier when you can just send the invite to a college address, and it makes it so much easier to get info directly than through your parents when you don't live with them. Again, it's not the correct etiquette, but it's also a balance between treating people like adults when they should be, and playing the family politics correctly. It is just another perspective.

ETA: We don't have any non-adult meals, so that doesn't matter. Even the one 7 y/o is getting an adult meal at his request. We don't have any borderline under or over 21 guests, but a ton of 15-19 y/os.

You treat adults as adults and non-adults as non-adults. It really isn't that hard. If the 16 year old siblings complains that her 18 year old brother got a separate invite and she didn't, well she needs to get over it and realize that even though she is 16 and close to an adult she isn't an adult yet and shouldn't be treated like one.

This.

FI has cousins that range from middle school/high school, college aged, and adults post college. Anyone 18+ will get their own invitation, and if they have an SO, we will invite their SO. The younger cousins will be invited with their parents and we are not inviting their SO's if they have any- not sure if the parents of the SO's would be cool with their kids going to an OOT wedding for someone they have never met, but that is not for me to worry about. By the time we get married there will have been 2 weddings in FI's family, and so far no one under 18 has had an SO or a Plus One.

Truly single guests 18+ may not get a Plus One, we haven't decided yet.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

kgd7357 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.

This isn't the rudest thing you can do, but it's awfully lazy to refuse to figure out how old your borderline guests are. Don't you need to know for the bar/caterer anyway?

18 is the age when you can vote, join the military, pay taxes, contract, whatever. It would be absolutely fine to send a 17 year old college student her own invite, but the 18 year old is an adult, whether she's in high school, college, or neither. The 17 year old is a minor.

You are right. It is a little lazy. My other reasoning for it is that we have several families that have multiple high schoolers. I feel like it would be awkward to send an invite to an 18 y/o and not the 17 or 16 y/os in the house too. It makes it so much easier when you can just send the invite to a college address, and it makes it so much easier to get info directly than through your parents when you don't live with them. Again, it's not the correct etiquette, but it's also a balance between treating people like adults when they should be, and playing the family politics correctly. It is just another perspective.

ETA: We don't have any non-adult meals, so that doesn't matter. Even the one 7 y/o is getting an adult meal at his request. We don't have any borderline under or over 21 guests, but a ton of 15-19 y/os.

You treat adults as adults and non-adults as non-adults. It really isn't that hard. If the 16 year old siblings complains that her 18 year old brother got a separate invite and she didn't, well she needs to get over it and realize that even though she is 16 and close to an adult she isn't an adult yet and shouldn't be treated like one.

This.

FI has cousins that range from middle school/high school, college aged, and adults post college. Anyone 18+ will get their own invitation, and if they have an SO, we will invite their SO. The younger cousins will be invited with their parents and we are not inviting their SO's if they have any- not sure if the parents of the SO's would be cool with their kids going to an OOT wedding for someone they have never met, but that is not for me to worry about. By the time we get married there will have been 2 weddings in FI's family, and so far no one under 18 has had an SO or a Plus One.

Truly single guests 18+ may not get a Plus One, we haven't decided yet.

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

No, she is not invited because I know her, I'm just saying that is one of the reasons she is an obvious invite, although it was polite of them not to assume. I'm also inviting another cousins GF and I have never met her. They are in their early 20s and live independently from their parents, although they do not live together and are not engaged. It's great that you were included on the trip, but it certainly would not have been rude of the uncle if he opted not to invite a 19 or even 20 yr old nephews GF to a destination wedding.

But it WOULD have been rude not extend that invitation, why don't you understand this? His adult family member was in a relationship at the time that invites went out, and as such, the significant other was invited. It doesn't matter if it's a destination wedding or not.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

I personally am not going by "no ring, no bring". The cousins who are independent adults and have a SO will be invited with that SO. Those that are still teenagers (legal adults or not) will probably not get a SO. I don't imagine it will make them uncomfortable, but if it does they can always choose not to attend. They attend plenty of other family get-togethers without a date, and are not seen as an inseparable "social unit" with a SO, especially a very new SO. Maybe it depends on the family and the amount of cousins in different age groups, but in my family if I had to choose between inviting each 18 yr old with the SO or not inviting the 18 yr old cousins at all.... Not inviting the cousins at all is worse, and THAT would make people uncomfortable.

Mitch617 said:

I think the thought process can vary from person to person. Many people think it is rude to do what you did---assuming you could bring a guest without seeing his name or "plus one" on the invitation. Your family friend did exactly what she should have done by being straightforward with you, although she could have added, "I hope you can still make it". It's understandable if you chose not to go but that was probably a chance she was willing to take. When we got engaged, my fiances 21-year-old nephew politely asked if we were going to be able to extend an invite to SOs of relatives because his GF had already mentioned hoping she would be invited and he did not want her to get ahead of herself if we could not accommodate SOs. He is 21 and has been with her for years, and she is often at family gatherings. For all of those reasons we told him of course she would be invited. But I appreciate that he asked rather than assumed, and did not take it upon himself to invite her.

Wow, you sound like a person who really cares about your guests' comfort. //end sarcasm

Seriously-- what a horrible attitude. This reasoning doesn't fly for cash bars, PPDs, or things like not having enough food/chairs. It also doesn't fly for inviting people without their SOs. //How about I want to have a wedding and sell entrance tickets to pay for my speshul day? It's just fine from an etiquette standpoint, because if those guests don't like it, they don't have to attend! Oh well! // See how that doesn't work?

Mitch617 · January 2014

Many young adults are 100% comfortable attending family events without a date. They know a majority of the people there and can spend time with family without worrying about whether their new SO is having fun. It's really not the end of the world if an 18 year old is not invited to bring their current SO to a family wedding in many families. It is fine to disagree on this but I still don't know where people get the idea that this is so incredibly of line.

kgd7357 · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

kgd7357 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.
This isn't the rudest thing you can do, but it's awfully lazy to refuse to figure out how old your borderline guests are. Don't you need to know for the bar/caterer anyway?

18 is the age when you can vote, join the military, pay taxes, contract, whatever. It would be absolutely fine to send a 17 year old college student her own invite, but the 18 year old is an adult, whether she's in high school, college, or neither. The 17 year old is a minor.
You are right. It is a little lazy. My other reasoning for it is that we have several families that have multiple high schoolers. I feel like it would be awkward to send an invite to an 18 y/o and not the 17 or 16 y/os in the house too. It makes it so much easier when you can just send the invite to a college address, and it makes it so much easier to get info directly than through your parents when you don't live with them. Again, it's not the correct etiquette, but it's also a balance between treating people like adults when they should be, and playing the family politics correctly. It is just another perspective.

ETA: We don't have any non-adult meals, so that doesn't matter. Even the one 7 y/o is getting an adult meal at his request. We don't have any borderline under or over 21 guests, but a ton of 15-19 y/os.
You treat adults as adults and non-adults as non-adults. It really isn't that hard. If the 16 year old siblings complains that her 18 year old brother got a separate invite and she didn't, well she needs to get over it and realize that even though she is 16 and close to an adult she isn't an adult yet and shouldn't be treated like one.

This etiquette rule just doesn't fly in my family. If you're in high school and you are coming with your parents and they are paying for the flight and hotel, they get the invite. They would think I was an idiot for sending their 18 y/o highschool senior an invite, particularly with siblings in the house. And they would flip shit if I added their bf or gf. My family is weird though. They already think I'm odd for sending college kids invites (which I explained by noting that they will be coming from a different location and will need directions, not b/c of age). This is not the norm though. As people have stated, etiquette says 18 is an adult, and it is best to fail safe if you don't know them. My point is that if you know the audience, you may want to adjust.

mazilora · January 2014

I think the people who flip out over not having their SO invited are proving they fall into the "non-adult" category. When my aunt got married, she had a very small wedding (about 50 people), and I was invited (at age 23, living on my own) but my boyfriend of 5 years (now FI) was not invited (and yes they had met).

It was not that big of a deal; I was thrilled to be invited and *gasp* am capable of attending social functions without him. I can't imagine having had a +1 to weddings when I was in high school--why should the bride and groom have to host my "boyfriend du jour"? I'm not saying all high school relationships are frivolous, but just because a 16-year-old thinks they're "in a serious relationship" does not mean they are.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

Many young adults are 100% comfortable attending family events without a date. They know a majority of the people there and can spend time with family without worrying about whether their new SO is having fun. It's really not the end of the world if an 18 year old is not invited to bring their current SO to a family wedding in many families. It is fine to disagree on this but I still don't know where people get the idea that this is so incredibly of line.

I am sorry but how do you know that many young adults are 100% comfortable attending a family event without their date/SO? Have you done a complete poll of every single young adult in the country? If I was not invited with my SO when I was 18 or 19 I would have been pissed. I am an adult and have had a SO for over a year or more so yes, I would have liked to bring him. You have no idea how serious the 18 or 19 year old's relationship is. It could end up like mine and they end up getting married. But the bottom line is an 18 year old is an adult. Period. And they should be treated as such.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

kgd7357 said:

Maggie0829 said:

kgd7357 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

kgd7357 said:

Putting on flame suit. I am going by high school grad is an adult, and will get SO and own invitation. High school students will be invited with their parents. It's not technically correct, but I don't really know how old our high school cousins are, and being a 17 year old college student for a long time living away from my parents, I would have liked my own invite or the chance to bring my SO.
This isn't the rudest thing you can do, but it's awfully lazy to refuse to figure out how old your borderline guests are. Don't you need to know for the bar/caterer anyway?

18 is the age when you can vote, join the military, pay taxes, contract, whatever. It would be absolutely fine to send a 17 year old college student her own invite, but the 18 year old is an adult, whether she's in high school, college, or neither. The 17 year old is a minor.
You are right. It is a little lazy. My other reasoning for it is that we have several families that have multiple high schoolers. I feel like it would be awkward to send an invite to an 18 y/o and not the 17 or 16 y/os in the house too. It makes it so much easier when you can just send the invite to a college address, and it makes it so much easier to get info directly than through your parents when you don't live with them. Again, it's not the correct etiquette, but it's also a balance between treating people like adults when they should be, and playing the family politics correctly. It is just another perspective.

ETA: We don't have any non-adult meals, so that doesn't matter. Even the one 7 y/o is getting an adult meal at his request. We don't have any borderline under or over 21 guests, but a ton of 15-19 y/os.
You treat adults as adults and non-adults as non-adults. It really isn't that hard. If the 16 year old siblings complains that her 18 year old brother got a separate invite and she didn't, well she needs to get over it and realize that even though she is 16 and close to an adult she isn't an adult yet and shouldn't be treated like one.
This etiquette rule just doesn't fly in my family. If you're in high school and you are coming with your parents and they are paying for the flight and hotel, they get the invite. They would think I was an idiot for sending their 18 y/o highschool senior an invite, particularly with siblings in the house. And they would flip shit if I added their bf or gf. My family is weird though. They already think I'm odd for sending college kids invites (which I explained by noting that they will be coming from a different location and will need directions, not b/c of age). This is not the norm though. As people have stated, etiquette says 18 is an adult, and it is best to fail safe if you don't know them. My point is that if you know the audience, you may want to adjust.

I still don't agree with this. Just because your family finds inviting 18 year olds separately from the family is weird or crazy doesn't mean that you should follow suite.

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

mazilora said:

I think the people who flip out over not having their SO invited are proving they fall into the "non-adult" category. When my aunt got married, she had a very small wedding (about 50 people), and I was invited (at age 23, living on my own) but my boyfriend of 5 years (now FI) was not invited (and yes they had met).

It was not that big of a deal; I was thrilled to be invited and *gasp* am capable of attending social functions without him. I can't imagine having had a +1 to weddings when I was in high school--why should the bride and groom have to host my "boyfriend du jour"? I'm not saying all high school relationships are frivolous, but just because a 16-year-old thinks they're "in a serious relationship" does not mean they are.

To the first bolded: I guess we're all just a bunch of non-adults on this board then. How immature of all of us to want to attend a wedding with our partners.

To the second bolded: This attitude is so aggravating. Guess what? Regardless of your age, at one point in your relationship, your FI/DH/SO was your "boyfriend of the day," too, and then he became "boyfriend of the week," and so on and so forth. My BF at the time of that family friend's wedding was hardly new, we'd been together for over a year. Besides, this topic isn't about 16 year olds with boyfriends, we're talking about legal adults (age 18+). Pay attention.

Edited for clarity

vt&dt · January 2014

I'm also one that would be offended, and would likely decline, an invitation that did not include my SO.

Anyone that considers themselves in a relationship (with Facebook especially, it's really easy to tell!) should be invited as a couple. The +1 to truly single guests is a nice gesture but not required.

We had a hard time pairing down our guest list, and one thing we did was eliminate +1's for truly single guests that will likely know a lot of people at the reception (aka my girlfriends from high school/college that I'm still in touch with, FI's college friend group, etc) - those that likely wouldn't know many people were invited with a +1.

The basic guideline to wedding etiquette is to think about how your actions/planning effects your guests, and to make their comfort a priority.

artbyallie · January 2014

"No ring no bring" is just fucking hateful anyway. H and I dated for four and a half years before getting engaged. And yes, we started when I was 18, though we were both in college, not high school.

And multiple people on these boards have brought up before that they knew they'd be getting married some day within weeks of starting to date. Bottom line is, you cannot possibly know how serious someone else's relationship is, so invite all SOs. We even invited a girlfriend of a married couple to our wedding, because they were all three in a relationship. They broke up shortly after our wedding, but we had no way of knowing that would happen.

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

It's also wrong to assume that just because a person "will know a lot of people," that they will enjoy the company of all of those people for 3-4 hours. Just because people were friends from college or high school doesn't mean they're still friends, or even seating co-workers together can be tricky because not everyone wants to spend their social time with co-workers outside of the professional time they spend together.

For truly single people, I definitely understand having to seat them where it makes the most sense, and it's not really feasible for a bride to check up on the relationships of everyone she's planning to seat together before she makes the seating chart. But for your guests that you know are in a relationship, don't deny them the chance to experience your wedding day with the person they love, with the person you KNOW they will enjoy the company of. Don't write off someone's SO by thinking "Oh, he/she knows this entire table, they'll be FINE without their SO." Whether or not someone will be "fine" or have a good time without their SO is not your determination to make. If you care enough about them to invite them to your wedding, treat them respectfully in doing so and invite their SO. Otherwise, don't invite them at all. It's really that simple.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

mazilora said:

I think the people who flip out over not having their SO invited are proving they fall into the "non-adult" category. When my aunt got married, she had a very small wedding (about 50 people), and I was invited (at age 23, living on my own) but my boyfriend of 5 years (now FI) was not invited (and yes they had met).

It was not that big of a deal; I was thrilled to be invited and *gasp* am capable of attending social functions without him. I can't imagine having had a +1 to weddings when I was in high school--why should the bride and groom have to host my "boyfriend du jour"? I'm not saying all high school relationships are frivolous, but just because a 16-year-old thinks they're "in a serious relationship" does not mean they are.

So a 5 year relationship is a Flavor of the Month? Your Aunt was totally in the wrong, and just because you were ok with it doesn't make it right.

I'd decline any wedding where my FI was not also invited.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

Oh please. A lot of not-so-young adults are also completely comfortable attending events without their SO. That doesn't mean it is okay to exclude them. I don't hide under the table and cry at social events where my husband is not in attendance. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't be invited as a couple. It is disrespectful to exclude people's partners. If you don't like your friends enough to be interested in their partners, maybe you should rethink the friendship.

kgd7357 · January 2014

Getting back to answering the OP:

What I would do in the case of the 18 y/o highschooler that lives at home is call his mom and ask what she would prefer. If she is paying for them to come (gas, hotel, flight, etc.) it may be her preference to not have the girlfriend, and it may make it awkward to even open up the possibility that she is invited. In this case I would go by mom's preference. If she is not responsible for getting him there, I would either choose to invite him with the SO and his own invite, or not invite him at all.

Strict etiquette says 18, but I feel that, like with the wedding itself, that the one who pays gets some say. I guess this is why I have such a problem with the magic 18 number.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

mazilora said:

I think the people who flip out over not having their SO invited are proving they fall into the "non-adult" category. When my aunt got married, she had a very small wedding (about 50 people), and I was invited (at age 23, living on my own) but my boyfriend of 5 years (now FI) was not invited (and yes they had met).

It was not that big of a deal; I was thrilled to be invited and *gasp* am capable of attending social functions without him. I can't imagine having had a +1 to weddings when I was in high school--why should the bride and groom have to host my "boyfriend du jour"? I'm not saying all high school relationships are frivolous, but just because a 16-year-old thinks they're "in a serious relationship" does not mean they are.

Of course I'm capable of attending social functions with Fi. It has nothing to do with what the guest is "capable" of. It's a hard and fast etiquette rule that adult (18+) guests are invited with the SO. This is a formal, hosted event, not after-work drinks with your buddies.

Second bolded shows you either didn't read the thread or you are exaggerating to make a point. Nobody on here has said a 16 year old should be invited with their SO. The rule is 18. One or two said they are inviting SO's of younger teenagers just to be nice, but it's definitely not necessary.

If you don't invite an 18+ YO guest with their SO, you are treating that adult guest like a child. That's what's so offensive.

Wedding invites and the dreaded +1

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