bridesmaid dilemma

themuffinman16 · January 2014

Bridesmaid do not have to plan or discuss a shower, but it would be nice for them to attend. If I was a bridesmaid, I would do my best to attend. It is not obligatory, it is just the nice thing to do. I would feel it was my obligation to attend, but that is just my personal opinion, and it does not apply to how anyone else should feel. The only thing a bridesmaid has to do is show up on your wedding day.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

Bridesmaid do not have to plan or discuss a shower, but it would be nice for them to attend. If I was a bridesmaid, I would do my best to attend. It is not obligatory, it is just the nice thing to do. I would feel it was my obligation to attend, but that is just my personal opinion, and it does not apply to how anyone else should feel. The only thing a bridesmaid has to do is show up on your wedding day.

You keep changing your story about what you said before. You talked about BMs having "obligations" and that "honorary BMs" are a thing. If we have changed your mind, just say you understand our points, you were wrong before, and now you understand the point of PPs. I initially came on TK thinking it was totes okay to host my own e-party and, obviously, changed my mind about that. Nothing wrong with coming clean and admitting you're still learning this stuff.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

You are right, I agree with you. But I think we need to be nicer to the newbies. People don't know what is etiquette and what is not. It should be the veterans desire to help them, not scold them. I had a crappy view of what brides should get on their wedding day, but it was through the helpful posts of others that helped me see the error of my ways, not the nastiness and the judgement. We should be able to talk about our thoughts here, before we go telling our wedding party or start making concrete plans. If something is improper etiquette, it should be stated as such. The way the media portrays everything, the bride gets everything she wants, and, in reality, that just isn't so. It takes some time for brides to adjust to the fact that your day will never be as you had imagined.

Amyzen83 · January 2014

dmyrick78 I admit when you first posted we were a bit harsh with you, hell my first post people were harsh with me too! But I think it's fair to say that if you can take one thing from these boards, then it's worth sticking around and reading unbiased points of views as opposed to losing friends over our errors, or wondering why so-and-so is suddenly distant.

Jen4948 · January 2014

I can agree too. A lot of times newbies are not coming from a place of selfishness or hostility when they ask their questions, but the responses are very harsh and assume that they are.

It was hard for me to stick around, but I did and still do, even when I don't agree with other people's opinions. I'm not out to get anyone and I assume no one is out to get me. I really hope others will take advice in the spirit in which it is given, rather than come back with "I/She didn't ask you if..." or "That's your opinion" or name-calling or complaints about the nature of etiquette and how it has or hasn't changed with the times, and some other things I've seen from newbies which all really just mean "Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! You didn't answer my question the way I wanted!" instead of "Okay, I can see that we don't agree, but I realize you come from a different place and I respect your position differs from mine."

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

Bridemaids should try to attend the bridal shower and the rehearsal dinner and wedding rehearsal. Meh not really. These are all optional events that they can choose not to attend- yes even the rehearsal is optional. Adults can figure out how to walk down an aisle without a practice run. They don't have any chores while they are there, unless they would like to help, and that is their decision. And it would not be the same dress, and you might not have a bouquet for her, she might not be able to stand during the ceremony, with the other girls, so she would not be fulfilling her "obligations" but would still be a bridesmaid in my eyes.

You are being too literal. The phrase "stand up for your wedding" means public support of your marriage, not to literally stand up at the altar.

In Catholic weddings the wedding party doesn't stand up at the altar, they sit in the 1st row of pews with everyone else and only stand when the rest of the congregation stands as part of mass. Only the MOH and Best Man literally stand at the altar with the couple.

I have been to secular ceremonies where the wedding party didn't stand with the bride and groom, they were seated.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

It takes me a little bit of time to see when I am wrong. But that is why these boards are so good. People just need to tone down the backlash a little bit, because I think it scares some of the newbies off. It just needs to be stated that everything will not go as planned, you are orchestrating an event with 50-200 people. That invites a lot of different opinions, which aren't bad, just different than the day you had envisioned. It may take some time for brides to learn the lesson, but you get more bees with honey than vinegar.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Yeah I think both sides can be at fault: mostly newbies with the WAAAHHHH and need for validation, but sometimes regs who jump to conclusions. But (as seen on the snarky thread recently) lots of newbs ask the same questions over.and.over.and.over without searching the boards. Recent example: there were like 5 topics recently on the first page of this thread all asking about inviting children to weddings. Really? No wonder people get fed up.

But yes @dmyrick78, thank you for sticking around and showing you're receptive to other opinions. It's a very mature reaction and drastically better than most I've seen in the few months I've been posting.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

I know, i was part of the WAHHH! Lol. It just takes some learning and being open to people's opinions. That is how we can have more etiquette. My dad used to tell me, when one person says something, dismiss it. If two people say something to you, consider it. ANd when three or more people tell you something, you are the problem. So I adjusted my attitude accordingly. I don't want to be that bridezilla everyone hates. To bad my dad never heeded his own advice. Lol

JCbride2015 · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

I know, i was part of the WAHHH! Lol. It just takes some learning and being open to people's opinions. That is how we can have more etiquette. My dad used to tell me, when one person says something, dismiss it. If two people say something to you, consider it. ANd when three or more people tell you something, you are the problem. So I adjusted my attitude accordingly. I don't want to be that bridezilla everyone hates. To bad my dada never heeded his own advice. Lol

Can we make the bolded a sticky, please?

themuffinman16 · January 2014

I have no problem with that. Lol

[Deleted User] · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

It takes me a little bit of time to see when I am wrong. But that is why these boards are so good. People just need to tone down the backlash a little bit, because I think it scares some of the newbies off. It just needs to be stated that everything will not go as planned, you are orchestrating an event with 50-200 people. That invites a lot of different opinions, which aren't bad, just different than the day you had envisioned. It may take some time for brides to learn the lesson, but you get more bees with honey than vinegar.

stuck in the box

Anyways I agree with this- I felt like I had a decent grasp on etiquette related issues...until I came here. I didn't post much because it's terrifying sometimes! But even just lurking is incredibly helpful- people ask questions you might not even know you had.

bridesmaid dilemma

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