Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding invites and the dreaded +1

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Re: Wedding invites and the dreaded +1

  • Mitch617Mitch617 member
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    edited January 2014
    Mitch617 said:
    @Maggie0829 it's fine to disagree but some PPs take things to the extreme and act as though choosing not to invite SOs is an etiquette nightmare.  I am inviting couples who are of a certain age and have been together for a while, but not taking 18 as the age where I MUST invite a SO as long as they are "facebook official". 

    A few people had talked down on other sources I got my etiquette info from and cited Miss Manners as the real expert, so they may want to know what she says on this.  She's not saying you can't or should not invite other SO's, but pointing out you really don't have to and the guests should be able to manage without them.


    So you are basically judging the seriousness of someone else's relationship due to your age and time they have been together cut off line. Well H and I had been together for over a year by the time I was 18. Would we have made the cut or would I have been invited without him? All marriages start somewhere. You and your FI started out the same way everyone else who got married did. How would you feel if someone said to you "oh sorry, I just don't think you two have been together long enough to be deemed in a serious relationship to earn an invite as a couple to my wedding."
    I understand that, and run the risk of not having invited my young cousins' future spouses.  I'm not trying to pass judgement on their relationships. Honestly no, you wouldn't have made my cutoff at 18 and one year.  At 24 and 7 years, yes you would have.  Invitations involve difficult decisions sometimes but as long as you are not seriously going against etiquette you have to do what is best for your situation.  And I started dating my FI at 24.  If a cousin invited him to a wedding 4 months in, I would not have been offended if he had to go alone.  I'd assume the cousin did not know about me, or simply wasn't doing +1 or BF/GF invites.  A year later and I would have been more bummed out, but life goes on.
    Sorry but that is really fucked up and judgmental.

    And how does you going out with your SO for a year at age 24 differ from me going out with my SO for a year at 18. Do you think that people who are younger can't be as serous about relationships as people who are in their mid 20's.
    I'm not saying it really does differ, I'm saying I understand it would be a bummer but really not a big deal and he would be free to go enjoy the family wedding without feeling guilty or awkward. 

    Sure, weddings are fun, SO's would like to go.  But do they HAVE to go? no.  Does not getting an invite start a grudge? not for me.
    blondeej

  • ashleyep said:

    FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.

    A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide.

    ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.

    Sorry but what I don't get is if you are going to treat an 18 year old as an adult in all other aspects then why not for a wedding.

    And I lived with my parents until I was about 24.  They paid for most of my living expenses since I was in school and working part time.  So in that instance since I am an adult but still living off my parents does that mean that I wouldn't be invited separately?


    I lived with my parents until I was 22. But you're not in high school anymore. There's a definite social distinction between that in life. You get treated differently (and you can't enlist in the military) before that. My point is that I don't believe in this hard and fast rule. I'm not any different than any other high school senior because I turned 18 a few months before them. My cousin got married a month before I turned 18, and just weeks before I go to college. Why should I go on my parents invitation while my other cousin gets his own (he's a few months older, but we graduated together)? A wedding is a social event, it's silly to argue that you have to follow and laws about ages (except alcohol ones). Who cares as a wedding guest if you're now legally an adult? What difference does it makes?
    Anniversary
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    I just think it is ridiculous that you are inviting some SOs but not others according to some dumb ass rule you put in place. Why do you feel you have the right to judge relationships. Some people are together for years before getting married while others are only together a few short months. I just don't understand the thought process. And never will. I can guarantee there will be people at your wedding wondering why this or that persons SO was invited but not theirs. It's not right to do.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • I'm still chuckling because so many people are adamant on this "18=needs a SO invite" thing but no one can provide a credible source that backs it up!

    Remembering a time when you were 18 and wished you could bring your SO to a wedding, or personally only feeling comfortable at a wedding if your SO is there... these things not make it an etiquette rule.
    blondeej
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    Mitch617 said:
    I'm still chuckling because so many people are adamant on this "18=needs a SO invite" thing but no one can provide a credible source that backs it up!

    Remembering a time when you were 18 and wished you could bring your SO to a wedding, or personally only feeling comfortable at a wedding if your SO is there... these things not make it an etiquette rule.
    It is called fucking common sense and courtesy to your adults guests who are dear to you.  Not everything has to be written in a fucking book for it be fact or law.

    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLostwrigleyville
  • Miss Manners says an established relationship. Who establishes the relationship? The people in it of course. If two people say, "We are in a relationship," then there you have it, relationship established and they get a joint invitation.

    It really isn't that hard.
    If you are going by Miss Manners, she establishes the relationship right there in the quote... it really isn't that hard.

    "And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included"

    Honestly I don't follow Miss Manners but looked it up because people were insisting that The Knot and the Emily Post Institute were incorrect and that I should look to Miss Manners for the real rules.
    blondeej
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    You know even those etiquette experts can be wrong.

  • Mitch617 said:
    Miss Manners says an established relationship. Who establishes the relationship? The people in it of course. If two people say, "We are in a relationship," then there you have it, relationship established and they get a joint invitation.

    It really isn't that hard.
    If you are going by Miss Manners, she establishes the relationship right there in the quote... it really isn't that hard.

    "And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included"

    Honestly I don't follow Miss Manners but looked it up because people were insisting that The Knot and the Emily Post Institute were incorrect and that I should look to Miss Manners for the real rules.
    But what makes an established relationship or para-spouse?  The people in the relationship determine how serious that is.  The bride and groom aren't the arbiters of who is in a relationship and who isn't.  Thus all adults should get an SO invite.  Easy peasy.

    And even if we go by this, just for argument's sake, that still doesn't answer the question why your example works for you: a year dating at 18 doesn't get an SO invite, but a year dating at 24 should.  Both are adults.  Both have been together the same amount of time.  Arguing there's a difference there means you're judging your guests' relationships.
    I think my point was unclear.  I was trying to say that EVEN at 24,  after a year of dating, it might so happen that I don't get an invite.  And that's ok.  Is it a bummer? Sure, a wedding would have been nice.  Would I want my BF to boycott the wedding, attend and pout, or stop speaking to the cousin?  No, I can look outside of myself and realize it's nothing personal.
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
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    And FWIW, I agree that nothing magical happens when you turn 18.  It's just where the law determines the age of majority.  But given incongruence (example... I have two cousins, both in high school, both dating SO for a year, one just turned 18 and one is still 17) I would lean towards generosity as a host and just offer individual invites and SO invites to both.  When given the option to either make things awkward, or offer a kindness to your guests, why wouldn't you do the kind, generous thing?
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  • Mitch617 said:
    Miss Manners says an established relationship. Who establishes the relationship? The people in it of course. If two people say, "We are in a relationship," then there you have it, relationship established and they get a joint invitation.

    It really isn't that hard.
    If you are going by Miss Manners, she establishes the relationship right there in the quote... it really isn't that hard.

    "And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included"

    Honestly I don't follow Miss Manners but looked it up because people were insisting that The Knot and the Emily Post Institute were incorrect and that I should look to Miss Manners for the real rules.
    But what makes an established relationship or para-spouse?  The people in the relationship determine how serious that is.  The bride and groom aren't the arbiters of who is in a relationship and who isn't.  Thus all adults should get an SO invite.  Easy peasy.

    And even if we go by this, just for argument's sake, that still doesn't answer the question why your example works for you: a year dating at 18 doesn't get an SO invite, but a year dating at 24 should.  Both are adults.  Both have been together the same amount of time.  Arguing there's a difference there means you're judging your guests' relationships.

    This.

    This a million times.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • ashleyepashleyep member
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    edited January 2014




    ashleyep said:

    FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.

    A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide.

    ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.

    Sorry but what I don't get is if you are going to treat an 18 year old as an adult in all other aspects then why not for a wedding.

    And I lived with my parents until I was about 24.  They paid for most of my living expenses since I was in school and working part time.  So in that instance since I am an adult but still living off my parents does that mean that I wouldn't be invited separately?

    Right.  I think a lot of the nitpicking about exactly where the line is drawn highlights a part of etiquette I've started to understand more recently: you can't treat your guests differently.  It's about not drawing lines or creating divisions.  So, an arbitrary age line at the legal age of majority is the best way to avoid judging your guests' relationships and avoiding decisions such as the one Maggie mentions.  

    When I was 18, I'd been with Fi for 2.5 years; I was living at college completely paid for by a scholarship I earned myself, receiving zero financial help from parents, and working a part-time job for all my other needs.  I know plenty of 28 year olds who live in their parents' homes and are still financially dependent on their parents-- and have been in relationships for a couple of years. There's no good way to draw the line between the responsible 18 year old and the mooching 28 year old.  Would you tell the 28 year old guest, you are socially a child because you're part of your parents' household?  Or tell the 18 year old guest, sorry, you're too young for me to take you seriously?  Except for creating the arbitrary line, and the legal age of majority is the best place to draw it.  I would have been really offended as a college student to be treated like a child on my mom's invite to something.
    ---



    I never said anyone who still lived at home shouldn't get their own invitation. I have lots of guests on my list who live at home. I said if you were still in high school - and I only added the "lives at home part" because if you're still in high school and living on your own, then you probably don't have a relationship with your parents to be included on their invite.


    I don't think legal age is relevant to my guest list so I think 18 is just as arbitrary as a cut off as "high school grad." I don't care about your age unless you're under 21.

    Likewise, I didn't say I wouldn't invite that 18 year olds SO, but I wouldn't invite theirs while excluding a 17 year old seniors just because they're not legally an adult.
    Anniversary
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
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    Mitch617 said:
    Mitch617 said:
    Miss Manners says an established relationship. Who establishes the relationship? The people in it of course. If two people say, "We are in a relationship," then there you have it, relationship established and they get a joint invitation.

    It really isn't that hard.
    If you are going by Miss Manners, she establishes the relationship right there in the quote... it really isn't that hard.

    "And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included"

    Honestly I don't follow Miss Manners but looked it up because people were insisting that The Knot and the Emily Post Institute were incorrect and that I should look to Miss Manners for the real rules.
    But what makes an established relationship or para-spouse?  The people in the relationship determine how serious that is.  The bride and groom aren't the arbiters of who is in a relationship and who isn't.  Thus all adults should get an SO invite.  Easy peasy.

    And even if we go by this, just for argument's sake, that still doesn't answer the question why your example works for you: a year dating at 18 doesn't get an SO invite, but a year dating at 24 should.  Both are adults.  Both have been together the same amount of time.  Arguing there's a difference there means you're judging your guests' relationships.
    I think my point was unclear.  I was trying to say that EVEN at 24,  after a year of dating, it might so happen that I don't get an invite.  And that's ok.  Is it a bummer? Sure, a wedding would have been nice.  Would I want my BF to boycott the wedding, attend and pout, or stop speaking to the cousin?  No, I can look outside of myself and realize it's nothing personal.
    But it was a bummer because it was still wrong.  You might be able to personally look past it, which is totally fine and the mature thing to do.  Nobody's saying as a would-be guest you should get all riled up and pouty.  We're saying that the host was rude by not inviting you.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    ashleyep said:
    ashleyep said:
    FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.
    A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide. ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.
    Sorry but what I don't get is if you are going to treat an 18 year old as an adult in all other aspects then why not for a wedding.

    And I lived with my parents until I was about 24.  They paid for most of my living expenses since I was in school and working part time.  So in that instance since I am an adult but still living off my parents does that mean that I wouldn't be invited separately?
    I lived with my parents until I was 22. But you're not in high school anymore. There's a definite social distinction between that in life. You get treated differently (and you can't enlist in the military) before that. My point is that I don't believe in this hard and fast rule. I'm not any different than any other high school senior because I turned 18 a few months before them. My cousin got married a month before I turned 18, and just weeks before I go to college. Why should I go on my parents invitation while my other cousin gets his own (he's a few months older, but we graduated together)? A wedding is a social event, it's silly to argue that you have to follow and laws about ages (except alcohol ones). Who cares as a wedding guest if you're now legally an adult? What difference does it makes?
    It makes a difference because you are an adult and have certain privileges that people under 18 don't have whether you are still in high school or not.

    And what about 19 or 20 year olds that due to bad grades or what not are held back?  Are they not adults in your eye because they are still in high school?

    And honestly when I was still living with my parents I wasn't treated any differently then I was when I was in high school.

  • lots of things are bummers, but not necessarily wrong. 

    blondeej
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    lots of things are bummers, but not necessarily wrong. 

    Just because you see it that way doesn't mean that others do and won't get hurt by your actions.

  • ashleyepashleyep member
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    edited January 2014
    And FWIW, I agree that nothing magical happens when you turn 18.  It's just where the law determines the age of majority.  But given incongruence (example... I have two cousins, both in high school, both dating SO for a year, one just turned 18 and one is still 17) I would lean towards generosity as a host and just offer individual invites and SO invites to both.  When given the option to either make things awkward, or offer a kindness to your guests, why wouldn't you do the kind, generous thing?
    Honestly? Probably. Maybe. I don't know, I'm not in that situation and I don't know their situation. My point is that if you're young enough to still be on your parent's invitation, then you don't *have* to be invited with your significant other. And I would argue that there's nothing wrong with putting an 18 (or 19 or even 20) year old high school senior on their parent's invite.

    I don't like hard and fast rules about this stuff. I think it's really easy to spout off, but not as black and white in theory. Would I send a 19 year old high school senior her own invite? Maybe, it would depend on the situation. But to send an 18 year old their own and put a 17 year old on his parents' and say "sorry, kid, you're just not quite 18, so you don't qualify to get your own" seems silly to me.

    Like I said, maybe I'm just bitter because I didn't turn 18 until the day I moved into college. 3 months after I graduated high school.

    Anniversary
    kgd7357
  • ashleyep said:
    FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.
    A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide. ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.
    You HAVE to be a high school grad or get a GED during the enlistment process.
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
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    ashleyep said:
    And FWIW, I agree that nothing magical happens when you turn 18.  It's just where the law determines the age of majority.  But given incongruence (example... I have two cousins, both in high school, both dating SO for a year, one just turned 18 and one is still 17) I would lean towards generosity as a host and just offer individual invites and SO invites to both.  When given the option to either make things awkward, or offer a kindness to your guests, why wouldn't you do the kind, generous thing?
    Honestly? Probably. Maybe. I don't know, I'm not in that situation and I don't know their situation. My point is that if you're young enough to still be on your parent's invitation, then you don't *have* to be invited with your significant other. And I would argue that there's nothing wrong with putting an 18 (or 19 or even 20) year old high school senior on their parent's invite.

    I don't like hard and fast rules about this stuff. I think it's really easy to spout off, but not as black and white in theory. Would I send a 19 year old high school senior her own invite? Maybe, it would depend on the situation. But to send an 18 year old their own and put a 17 year old on his parents' and say "sorry, kid, you're just not quite 18, so you don't qualify to get your own" seems silly to me.

    Like I said, maybe I'm just bitter because I didn't turn 18 until the day I moved into college. 3 months after I graduated high school.

    I think we see eye to eye on this more than it first seemed, we just lean different directions on what to do in the grey area.  I would offer the invite (my example above was just an example if that wasn't clear-- I don't think I actually have any guests in that exact situation).  And I also didn't turn 18 until a month into college.  In a PP I said I would just be generous and offer the individual invite +SO to anybody either graduated from high school, or 18.  I think that makes more sense, because you're erring on the side of generosity to your guests, while still keeping a clean enough line that it would make sense who to invite without resorting to judgmental criteria like living situation and longevity of the relationship.
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    ashleyep
  • kgd7357 said:
    ashleyep said:
    FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.
    A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide. ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.
    You HAVE to be a high school grad or get a GED during the enlistment process.
    Thank you, I looked that up right after I posted.
    Anniversary
  • I just think it is ridiculous that you are inviting some SOs but not others according to some dumb ass rule you put in place. Why do you feel you have the right to judge relationships. Some people are together for years before getting married while others are only together a few short months. I just don't understand the thought process. And never will. I can guarantee there will be people at your wedding wondering why this or that persons SO was invited but not theirs. It's not right to do.
    Everyone here uses some rule or another, many going with 18 as the rule.  That's fine for them but not using that rule does not make it "dumb ass".  Again- you have to know your crowd and look at how many fall into different demographics.  I have a bunch of cousins in the 23-27 range.  Those that have a SO will get the SO invite if they have a BF or GF as we are preparing invitations.   Those that are 18, 19, 20 and live with parents will not get a SO invite.  I don't know if they have SO's.  I could find out.  I could invite those SO's I find out about, or invite the cousins with their families, or I could just not invite those cousins at all. 

    In my crowd, cutting the cousins off the list would not be polite.  Inviting them with the family would be fine and probably expected. Inviting them with the SO might be fun for the cousin and SO but uncomfortable for the parents who would have to drive them there and spring for a hotel room(s). If they want to sit there at my wedding and dwell on why an older cousin brought her BF, I can't control that.  I don't think I will get much of that, and if I do, it's a maturity issue.

    kgd7357blondeej
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    @Mitch617 I am sorry but I disagree with Miss Manners. From that explanation my H and I should not have been invited together to any wedding for 8 years because we didn't meet those ridiculous requirements.

    A wedding is a time to celebrate love and to only invite engaged, married, of long-term couples is basically telling the other couples that their relationship means shit without certain requirements.
    I have been with my FI for 12 years now.  That is longer than our age matched family and friends have known their spouses and been married to their spouses.  If anyone of these couples had decided to not invite us as a couple just to save some money- because that is what this all boils down to- you can be sure I'd RSVP Go Fuck Yourself.
    Mitch617 said:

    Mitch617 said:
    This is Miss Manners' take on it:

    "But she is disturbed at reasons Gentle Readers have given her for feeling that they must decline invitations to weddings that they would dearly like to attend.

    The most common is from single people who complain that they wouldn’t enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests, because they won’t know anyone there. Miss Manners is not sympathetic, as she believes that wedding guests should be people who are invited, and who want to attend, because they actually care about the families being joined. And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included, caring or not, a wedding is not a dating opportunity.

    She does, however, feel sorry for people who feel incapable of socializing with the friends of their friends."

    Looks like our expert says that married, engaged, or "para-spouses" (long-time life partners like those who bought a house together or have kids together without a ring) are the only ones that MUST be included, and others should be able to enjoy themselves on a solo invitation.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-say-i-do-to-wedding-invitations/2011/04/08/AFLCIsRD_story.html


    But a person with a serious bf or gf is not a "single person who complains that they wouldn't enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests."  A single person doesn't need to get a +1, although it might be nice.  But adults get invited with SO.  Period.

    I disagree with Miss Manners' bipolar distinction between single and para-spouse.  What's in the middle?  Somebody in a relationship is not single.
    If we are going to get technical and legal about it, like how 18 is adult, then yes someone in a relationship is single.  No actually, they are not single.

    Relationship- the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other.


    You cannot be in a relationship with yourself, therefore you are not single.  I don't give a flying rat's ass what categories ppl check off on bureaucratic paperwork, that has nothing to do with social etiquette.  Let's use some freaking common sense!

    Even the engaged and para-spouses are too, but she is saying they are established and need to be included.  I'm engaged, but when I fill out paperwork I still check "single". 

    I think here she goes more into the truly single part because she is trying to encourage them to mingle at weddings and see them as a match-making opportunity as people used to.  Of course people with SOs wouldnt be doing that (I hope) but still should be socially independent enough to see past their lack of a date and enjoy the company of others.  My FI is not a date, he's my significant other and my future husband.  And a wedding isn't your run of the mill social event, it's not just some party or a girl's night out- it's the public celebration of the union between two people and a celebration of their love.  I'm not at your wedding to enjoy the company of others- I go out with my girlfriends if I want to do that.  I'm there to support your freaking relationship and if you can't do me the same courtesy by including my SO then don't be surprised when I decline and I begin to distance myself from someone who would choose to be so damn rude.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    wrigleyville
  • What is the big deal about giving those 18 an invite that includes their SO? And if there's one or two 17 year olds with SOs as well? What is so bad about a few extra people if it means your guests are happy and comfortable? I find it very hard to believe that a few extra people will break the bank and even if it would that's when you move your budget around. Refusing to do so means you're putting your wants above your guests' comfort, and THAT is the issue at hand. A wedding/reception is not a party all about you; not in the least. A wedding is when you ask those closest to you to witness a super important and intimate moment between you and your FI. And then you thank those guests with the reception afterwards to show your appreciation for their presence.

    Of course, you can still plan the wedding of your dreams but that shouldn't be done at the risk of causing your guests discomfort. Choose any colors you want, choose entrees that you two enjoy (but still appeal to the masses), pick centerpieces as simple or crazy as you'd like, etc etc etc. But at the end of the day the important things are that you are married to the person you love and your guests leave feeling honored they were asked to attend. Why would you ever want to risk their discomfort, especially at an event that YOU CHOSE to invite THEM to? Because to do so is selfish and takes away from what a wedding should be.

    And for those that claim being a high school graduate is a better cut off than the legal age of 18- what about those who graduate early? I've heard of kids as young as 13 graduating high school but more commonly 16-17 year olds can graduate HS. Should those kids be allowed to bring their SOs simply because they graduated? It's a very blurry line, which is why sticking to the 18 and up rule is the proper etiquette.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    JCbride2015Liatris2010
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited January 2014
    acove2006 said:

    And for those that claim being a high school graduate is a better cut off than the legal age of 18- what about those who graduate early? I've heard of kids as young as 13 graduating high school but more commonly 16-17 year olds can graduate HS. Should those kids be allowed to bring their SOs simply because they graduated? It's a very blurry line, which is why sticking to the 18 and up rule is the proper etiquette.

    At that point they're probably their own entity, either working or going to college, so sure. Like I said, I was 17 when I graduated high school. I was no different than an 18 year old except I couldn't buy cigarettes or vote. Looking back, it would have been nice to receive my own invitation to my cousin's wedding the summer before I went off to college (though I didn't care at the time and still really don't).

    I'm not even arguing that you shouldn't invite the 18 year old's date. In this case, if you don't want to invite the 18 year old's date but you do want to invite the 21 year old's I don't see the big deal. In my opinion, the 18 year old is young enough to still be on his parent's invitation and therefore doesn't *need* to be invited with his SO. Is it a nice gesture? Yes. Should you do it if you have room? Sure. Is it really that big of a deal if the date of a kid you don't even really like or want to invite isn't invited with his SO? No. Who's going to make a fuss about it? The kid? Probably not. And if so, do you care if you offend them? Clearly not.

    And once again, it's the proper etiquette in your opinion. I haven't seen that in writing anywhere from Miss Manners. I love etiquette, I do. But realistically, etiquette is simply of guideline of things to follow to avoid hurting the feelings of your guests. It's really not a book of black and white rules, which is why Miss Manners hasn't released a book as such. We take her advice columns and come up with a list of rules to follow. But it's simple consideration. It's why you don't put time limits on what qualifies a valid relationship, and it's why I don't believe in hard and fast age rule for getting your own invitation. I highly doubt an 18 year old high school kid is going to be offended that they didn't get their own invitation or were invited without their girlfriend to the wedding of an extended family member.
    Anniversary
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    ashleyep said:
    acove2006 said:

    And for those that claim being a high school graduate is a better cut off than the legal age of 18- what about those who graduate early? I've heard of kids as young as 13 graduating high school but more commonly 16-17 year olds can graduate HS. Should those kids be allowed to bring their SOs simply because they graduated? It's a very blurry line, which is why sticking to the 18 and up rule is the proper etiquette.

    At that point they're probably their own entity, either working or going to college, so sure. Like I said, I was 17 when I graduated high school. I was no different than an 18 year old except I couldn't buy cigarettes or vote. Looking back, it would have been nice to receive my own invitation to my cousin's wedding the summer before I went off to college (though I didn't care at the time and still really don't).

    I'm not even arguing that you shouldn't invite the 18 year old's date. In this case, if you don't want to invite the 18 year old's date but you do want to invite the 21 year old's I don't see the big deal. In my opinion, the 18 year old is young enough to still be on his parent's invitation and therefore doesn't *need* to be invited with his SO. Is it a nice gesture? Yes. Should you do it if you have room? Sure. Is it really that big of a deal if the date of a kid you don't even really like or want to invite isn't invited with his SO? No. Who's going to make a fuss about it? The kid? Probably not. And if so, do you care if you offend them? Clearly not.

    And once again, it's the proper etiquette in your opinion. I haven't seen that in writing anywhere from Miss Manners. I love etiquette, I do. But realistically, etiquette is simply of guideline of things to follow to avoid hurting the feelings of your guests. It's really not a book of black and white rules, which is why Miss Manners hasn't released a book as such. We take her advice columns and come up with a list of rules to follow. But it's simple consideration. It's why you don't put time limits on what qualifies a valid relationship, and it's why I don't believe in hard and fast age rule for getting your own invitation. I highly doubt an 18 year old high school kid is going to be offended that they didn't get their own invitation or were invited without their girlfriend to the wedding of an extended family member.
    An 18-year old is not a "kid". An 18-year old is an adult.

    Also, living at home, whether 18, 19, or 20 does not make someone a "kid". Maybe they can't afford to pay for a dorm on top of room and board (or don't want to incur that kind of debt on their student loans). Maybe they're living at home to save money for a down payment on a house once they graduate from college. Maybe they lost their job. IT DOESN'T MATTER. They are still an adult and deserve their own invitation, and if they have an SO, that person gets invited.

    End of story.

    PrettyGirlLostMaggie0829
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited January 2014
    @wrigleyville I very clearly said high school. Nowhere did I say someone living with their parents shouldn't get their own invite.

    In any case, it's no use arguing this anymore. I think an 18 year old high school senior is a grey area and you can decide yourself whether or not you think they'll be offended by not getting their own invitation or having their SO invited. 

    I still think it's bullshit that apparently no one has a problem with a 17 year old high school senior being treated differently just because they can't yet vote or buy cigarettes.
    Anniversary
    blondeej
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    ashleyep said:
    @wrigleyville I very clearly said high school. 
    At the very end of your post, yes, but I still disagree that an 18-year old is a "kid" just because they're in high school. They are, legally, an adult and should be treated as such.


  • Mitch617 said:

    I personally am not going by "no ring, no bring". The cousins who are independent adults and have a SO will be invited with that SO. Those that are still teenagers (legal adults or not) will probably not get a SO. I don't imagine it will make them uncomfortable, but if it does they can always choose not to attend. They attend plenty of other family get-togethers without a date, and are not seen as an inseparable "social unit" with a SO, especially a very new SO. Maybe it depends on the family and the amount of cousins in different age groups, but in my family if I had to choose between inviting each 18 yr old with the SO or not inviting the 18 yr old cousins at all.... Not inviting the cousins at all is worse, and THAT would make people uncomfortable.

    When I was 19, just a couple months before I turned 20--so, by your logic, a teenager regardless of the fact that I was a legal adult--I was invited to a family friend's wedding. I told her that my boyfriend (of a year) and I were excited to attend. She said "Wait a minute, the invite is only for you, I'm not inviting your boyfriend." I asked myself, why would I attend a wedding alone when I have a boyfriend? I didn't go.

    This is, HONESTLY, the thought process of people in relationships who are invited to weddings without their SO. It's just a rude thing to do to your guests and you're especially rude for deciding when people are old enough for you to take their relationships seriously.

    It's the thought process of SOME. My fiancé and I have been invited to things without each other and while we would prefer to have gone together, we're not going to decline for that reason alone.

    Yes, it is against etiquette, but no, not everyone reacts the way you did.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    ashleyep said:
    @wrigleyville I very clearly said high school. Nowhere did I say someone living with their parents shouldn't get their own invite.

    In any case, it's no use arguing this anymore. I think an 18 year old high school senior is a grey area and you can decide yourself whether or not you think they'll be offended by not getting their own invitation or having their SO invited. 

    I still think it's bullshit that apparently no one has a problem with a 17 year old high school senior being treated differently just because they can't yet vote or buy cigarettes.
    A 17 year old is not an adult period.  It would be like a 61 and 11 month year old person bitching that their 62 year old neighbor gets social security but they don't.  You get certain privileges at certain ages and the state of your education level should play no part in how you are or aren't treated.

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