PK's Poll - Covering Your Plate

Jen4948 · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere. It's an obnoxious assumption. If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift. Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.
I disagree that it's not a regional norm. It absolutely IS a regional norm. However that doesn't mean following such a norm is etiquette approved. It's more a "keep up with the Joneses" thing.

Banana is right. As I said CYP is alive and well in DH's hometown ( on Long Island, NY).
Does that mean everyone on Long Island and NYC follows that line of thinking? No, but trust me there are a lot of social circles who do. I'm not at all surprised LES follows that line of thinking. It's mostly likely been in grained in her much like others find cash bars acceptable. Everyone does it so it must be right kind-of thing.

Do I think it's ridiculous? Hell, yes. None-the-less DH's family thinks the very same way.

ETA - DH sort of feels that way on the giving end, but not on the receiving end.

No, it's in individual circles, not regional. I live in NYC and have been to weddings here, none of which had a "cover your plate" expectation.

lyndausvi · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere. It's an obnoxious assumption. If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift. Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.
I disagree that it's not a regional norm. It absolutely IS a regional norm. However that doesn't mean following such a norm is etiquette approved. It's more a "keep up with the Joneses" thing.

Banana is right. As I said CYP is alive and well in DH's hometown ( on Long Island, NY).
Does that mean everyone on Long Island and NYC follows that line of thinking? No, but trust me there are a lot of social circles who do. I'm not at all surprised LES follows that line of thinking. It's mostly likely been in grained in her much like others find cash bars acceptable. Everyone does it so it must be right kind-of thing.

Do I think it's ridiculous? Hell, yes. None-the-less DH's family thinks the very same way.

ETA - DH sort of feels that way on the giving end, but not on the receiving end.

No, it's in individual circles, not regional. I live in NYC and have been to weddings here, none of which had a "cover your plate" expectation.

I say it's regional in the fact that I've lived in a lot of different regions in the country and that NYC/tri-state area is the only area I've ever heard that way of thinking. I also said that not everyone in that area thinks that way. Doesn't change the fact that indeed a lot of social circles in that area sadly do.

Jen4948 · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere. It's an obnoxious assumption. If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift. Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.
I disagree that it's not a regional norm. It absolutely IS a regional norm. However that doesn't mean following such a norm is etiquette approved. It's more a "keep up with the Joneses" thing.

Banana is right. As I said CYP is alive and well in DH's hometown ( on Long Island, NY).
Does that mean everyone on Long Island and NYC follows that line of thinking? No, but trust me there are a lot of social circles who do. I'm not at all surprised LES follows that line of thinking. It's mostly likely been in grained in her much like others find cash bars acceptable. Everyone does it so it must be right kind-of thing.

Do I think it's ridiculous? Hell, yes. None-the-less DH's family thinks the very same way.

ETA - DH sort of feels that way on the giving end, but not on the receiving end.

No, it's in individual circles, not regional. I live in NYC and have been to weddings here, none of which had a "cover your plate" expectation.

I say it's regional in the fact that I've lived in a lot of different regions in the country and that NYC/tri-state area is the only area I've ever heard that way of thinking. I also said that not everyone in that area thinks that way. Doesn't change the fact that indeed a lot of social circles in that area sadly do.

The fact that you only heard about it in one area is still judging that one area by a few-not even a majority. So, sorry, but I don't agree that it's "regional," just that some circles here do it,

lyndausvi · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere. It's an obnoxious assumption. If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift. Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.
I disagree that it's not a regional norm. It absolutely IS a regional norm. However that doesn't mean following such a norm is etiquette approved. It's more a "keep up with the Joneses" thing.

Banana is right. As I said CYP is alive and well in DH's hometown ( on Long Island, NY).
Does that mean everyone on Long Island and NYC follows that line of thinking? No, but trust me there are a lot of social circles who do. I'm not at all surprised LES follows that line of thinking. It's mostly likely been in grained in her much like others find cash bars acceptable. Everyone does it so it must be right kind-of thing.

Do I think it's ridiculous? Hell, yes. None-the-less DH's family thinks the very same way.

ETA - DH sort of feels that way on the giving end, but not on the receiving end.

No, it's in individual circles, not regional. I live in NYC and have been to weddings here, none of which had a "cover your plate" expectation.

I say it's regional in the fact that I've lived in a lot of different regions in the country and that NYC/tri-state area is the only area I've ever heard that way of thinking. I also said that not everyone in that area thinks that way. Doesn't change the fact that indeed a lot of social circles in that area sadly do.

The fact that you only heard about it in one area is still judging that one area by a few-not even a majority. So, sorry, but I don't agree that it's "regional," just that some circles here do it,

Where have I judged that area? Simply saying that your are more likely to find the CYP line of thinking in that area. Not that the whole area has that line of thinking. I'm quite capable of understanding that not everyone thinks that way. Doesn't change that when I hear about CYP way of thinking it's coming from people from that area.

It's like being a NY Jets fan. You are more likely to find a Jets fan in the NYC/tri-state area. That does not mean that everyone in the area are Jets fans or there are not Jets fan other places. It's just that if you see a Jets fan it's more than likely because they come from that area.

Jen4948 · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere. It's an obnoxious assumption. If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift. Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.
I disagree that it's not a regional norm. It absolutely IS a regional norm. However that doesn't mean following such a norm is etiquette approved. It's more a "keep up with the Joneses" thing.

Banana is right. As I said CYP is alive and well in DH's hometown ( on Long Island, NY).
Does that mean everyone on Long Island and NYC follows that line of thinking? No, but trust me there are a lot of social circles who do. I'm not at all surprised LES follows that line of thinking. It's mostly likely been in grained in her much like others find cash bars acceptable. Everyone does it so it must be right kind-of thing.

Do I think it's ridiculous? Hell, yes. None-the-less DH's family thinks the very same way.

ETA - DH sort of feels that way on the giving end, but not on the receiving end.

No, it's in individual circles, not regional. I live in NYC and have been to weddings here, none of which had a "cover your plate" expectation.

I say it's regional in the fact that I've lived in a lot of different regions in the country and that NYC/tri-state area is the only area I've ever heard that way of thinking. I also said that not everyone in that area thinks that way. Doesn't change the fact that indeed a lot of social circles in that area sadly do.

The fact that you only heard about it in one area is still judging that one area by a few-not even a majority. So, sorry, but I don't agree that it's "regional," just that some circles here do it,

Where have I judged that area? Simply saying that your are more likely to find the CYP line of thinking in that area. Not that the whole area has that line of thinking. I'm quite capable of understanding that not everyone thinks that way. Doesn't change that when I hear about CYP way of thinking it's coming from people from that area.

It's like being a NY Jets fan. You are more likely to find a Jets fan in the NYC/tri-state area. That does not mean that everyone in the area are Jets fans or there are not Jets fan other places. It's just that if you see a Jets fan it's more than likely because they come from that area.

Okay, I get that. But I don't make the assumption that something is regional just because more people from that region are likely to prefer it than anywhere else. Let's face it, the "cover your plate" attitude crops up in every region, as does, say, the "cash bars are okay and expected" attitude. But the fact that this might happen more in NYC and the Tri-State area might just be the result of more people living here than in other regions of the country and the world-it doesn't in and of itself suggest that on a truly regional level, it's actually acceptable. If there were a poll taken only of people in this area about how they feel about it, it could be that only a small minority of the whole population approve of "cover your plate" - the same percentage of the global population that approves of it.

banana468 · February 2014

Ditto Lynda. Just because not all people in the areI do do it doesn't make it a norm. Not everyone in NYC wears a baseball cap with a flat brim and the sticker still on it but it's a trend many follow.

If you don't want to call it regional you can bet it's cultural.

Similarly, in some cultures, the norm is for a buffet and the women go through it first and make their husbands a plate of food. THEN they serve themselves. My MIL grew up in a culture that did that but she said in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't continue it.

The same holds here. You can dislike the practice (I do) but that hardly allows you to deny it's existence.

Jen4948 · February 2014

banana468 said:

Ditto Lynda. Just because not all people in the areI do do it doesn't make it a norm. Not everyone in NYC wears a baseball cap with a flat brim and the sticker still on it but it's a trend many follow. If you don't want to call it regional you can bet it's cultural. Similarly, in some cultures, the norm is for a buffet and the women go through it first and make their husbands a plate of food. THEN they serve themselves. My MIL grew up in a culture that did that but she said in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't continue it. The same holds here. You can dislike the practice (I do) but that hardly allows you to deny it's existence.

What the practice is, though, is an aberration, not a "norm." The people here who do that are in a minority, not a majority. So I would think "cultural norms" are not established by small minorities.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

LowerEastSiiide said:

I would feel extremely uncomfortable showing up anywhere, in which I'm being hosted, empty handed.

Actually, showing up with gift in hand is considered improper. You're supposed to show up empty handed. If you're doing things properly, you send the gift ahead of time. Around here, bringing a check to the wedding itself is gauche.

banana468 · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

banana468 said:

Ditto Lynda. Just because not all people in the areI do do it doesn't make it a norm. Not everyone in NYC wears a baseball cap with a flat brim and the sticker still on it but it's a trend many follow.

If you don't want to call it regional you can bet it's cultural.

Similarly, in some cultures, the norm is for a buffet and the women go through it first and make their husbands a plate of food. THEN they serve themselves. My MIL grew up in a culture that did that but she said in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't continue it.

The same holds here. You can dislike the practice (I do) but that hardly allows you to deny it's existence.

What the practice is, though, is an aberration, not a "norm." The people here who do that are in a minority, not a majority. So I would think "cultural norms" are not established by small minorities.

That you don't know people who do this does not make the practice something done by a minority. This has been discussed enough to know that it certainly IS the norm for some cultures. It may not be appropriate but that hardly makes it less popular.

Luckily, I think we are understanding that the practice makes as much sense as old school head tables, even bridal parties or refusing to allow men to stand up for women.

Poll some of the older generation and I doubt you'll find that many adopt such progressive thinking.

FWIW, friends getting married in Manhattan 5 years ago knew the pressure was on them to provide a fabulous reception because they were the first in their families to get married and the older relatives needed to feel wowed in order to give a gift that covered their plates. The bride acknowledged that she knew not all believed in the custom, but she wasn't about to go against her family and disappoint them either.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Thing is, I don't see that you or lyndausvi could know more than a tiny fraction of 1 percent of the people who live here, so that tiny fraction cannot be representative of anything even approaching "the norm" - especially when you do not live here.

So - I'm sorry but the fact that you know some people here who do it does not make it "a cultural or regional norm."

banana468 · February 2014

Jen4948 said:
Thing is, I don't see that you or lyndausvi could know more than a tiny fraction of 1 percent of the people who live here, so that tiny fraction cannot be representative of anything even approaching "the norm" - especially when you do not live here.

So - I'm sorry but the fact that you know some people here who do it does not make it "a cultural or regional norm."

I'm sorry Jen. What makes you the authority on the tri-state area?

Neither @lyndausvi nor I are related (although I think we could be) but we've both given examples of how we know this exists.

Something can be A norm without it being THE norm.

I can't believe I'm still arguing this.

lyndausvi · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

Thing is, I don't see that you or lyndausvi could know more than a tiny fraction of 1 percent of the people who live here, so that tiny fraction cannot be representative of anything even approaching "the norm" - especially when you do not live here. So - I'm sorry but the fact that you know some people here who do it does not make it "a cultural or regional norm."

I think you are taking this a little too personal.

I don't claim to know all about the Tri-state area. Even living there you can't either.

However, I have lived and worked all over the states. I have met a lot of people from a lot of different areas in my lifetime. Every single person I've met who follows the CYP line of thinking as come from that area. Including my DH and his entire family. All of his much younger sisters' friends who run in different circles than DH.

Several knotties in the past from NYC have thought that way. This is by far not the first time on TK this has come up and more often than not you will find those who think that way come from that area.

That does not mean I think everyone in that area thinks that way. I don't think "oh they are from NYC, I bet they do the CYP thing". It's when I find out someone is CYP type and they follow that up with they are from the NYC area I think "not surprised".

I feel like there seems to be a sub-culture from that region that believes in that line of thinking even if the whole region itself doesn't practice it.

Jen4948 · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

Thing is, I don't see that you or lyndausvi could know more than a tiny fraction of 1 percent of the people who live here, so that tiny fraction cannot be representative of anything even approaching "the norm" - especially when you do not live here. So - I'm sorry but the fact that you know some people here who do it does not make it "a cultural or regional norm."

I think you are taking this a little too personal.

I don't claim to know all about the Tri-state area. Even living there you can't either.

However, I have lived and worked all over the states. I have met a lot of people from a lot of different areas in my lifetime. Every single person I've met who follows the CYP line of thinking as come from that area. Including my DH and his entire family. All of his much younger sisters' friends who run in different circles than DH.

Several knotties in the past from NYC have thought that way. This is by far not the first time on TK this has come up and more often than not you will find those who think that way come from that area.

That does not mean I think everyone in that area thinks that way. I don't think "oh they are from NYC, I bet they do the CYP thing". It's when I find out someone is CYP type and they follow that up with they are from the NYC area I think "not surprised".

I feel like there seems to be a sub-culture from that region that believes in that line of thinking even if the whole region itself doesn't practice it.

Yes, there might be a "sub-culture." But you equated that with a "cultural norm." They are not the same thing or even close.

A norm might be something like "NYCers like to eat bagels." But many, many NYCers and Tri-Staters would be very offended to get a wedding invitation with an expectation of "covering their plates." A sub-culture is not a "norm." As I pointed out above, it's an "aberration.'

banana468 · February 2014

Congratulations Jen. You win the semantics award of the day.

kmmssg · February 2014

Jen - you are doing that high strung thing again.

Jen4948 · February 2014

banana468 said:

Congratulations Jen. You win the semantics award of the day.

And you win the unnecessary sarcasm award of the day.

cruffino · February 2014

I am born and raised in the NYC tri-state area and the "cover you plate" concept is normal to me. I have therefore proved that it's cultural norm. You're welcome.

Jen4948 · February 2014

cruffino said:

I am born and raised in the NYC tri-state area and the "cover you plate" concept is normal to me. I have therefore proved that it's cultural norm. You're welcome.

You proved no such thing. And no thank you.

SammiNJonni · February 2014

I am also from the NYC tri-state area and covering your plate is something I got brought up with. I do not follow it myself but I give as much as possible. The last wedding me and FI attended was $200pp we gave $300. We work on a sliding scale of $150-$300 depending on closeness to the couple that couple was family.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

photokitty I didn't mean you ladies would think I was cheap, I meant some attitudes on other forums. Sorry I didn't quite make that clear.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

cmfarr Holy Fucking Crap? Who has that attitude? I mean how entitled do you have to be? Seriously? (Not you, clearly the link). My God, I would be ashamed to raise my daughter in such a manner. If I would have done that, even at this age, I swear my parents would have killed me.

Sars06 · February 2014

shrekspeare said:

I more or less use the rule as an 'Can I afford to attend their wedding?' guideline. If I can't buy you a present that's at the very least higher than the plate cost, I'm probably not going to come, and send you a nice card with money when I get paid. I would feel very, very uncomfortable attending a wedding that wasn't a close friend's or family member's without purchasing a nice gift, even though they're not 'required'. You're putting all this effort into making me feel welcome, the least I can do is purchase you a really nice gift, you know?

I would be so, so sad if I found out one of our guests declined to attend our wedding for this reason. We are inviting you because we want you there!

LowerEastSiiide · February 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

I would feel extremely uncomfortable showing up anywhere, in which I'm being hosted, empty handed.

Actually, showing up with gift in hand is considered improper. You're supposed to show up empty handed. If you're doing things properly, you send the gift ahead of time. Around here, bringing a check to the wedding itself is gauche.

Well, where I'm from, giving a physical gift is considered "gauche". You get your registry gifts at the shower.

LowerEastSiiide · February 2014

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

Thing is, I don't see that you or lyndausvi could know more than a tiny fraction of 1 percent of the people who live here, so that tiny fraction cannot be representative of anything even approaching "the norm" - especially when you do not live here.

So - I'm sorry but the fact that you know some people here who do it does not make it "a cultural or regional norm."

I think you are taking this a little too personal.

I don't claim to know all about the Tri-state area. Even living there you can't either.

However, I have lived and worked all over the states. I have met a lot of people from a lot of different areas in my lifetime. Every single person I've met who follows the CYP line of thinking as come from that area. Including my DH and his entire family. All of his much younger sisters' friends who run in different circles than DH.

Several knotties in the past from NYC have thought that way. This is by far not the first time on TK this has come up and more often than not you will find those who think that way come from that area.

That does not mean I think everyone in that area thinks that way. I don't think "oh they are from NYC, I bet they do the CYP thing". It's when I find out someone is CYP type and they follow that up with they are from the NYC area I think "not surprised".

I feel like there seems to be a sub-culture from that region that believes in that line of thinking even if
the whole region itself doesn't practice it.

The issue is that I think many of you are thinking of people living in Manhattan or trendy areas of bklyn as being true New Yorkers. There are so many people in those areas that move there after college and are from other parts of the country. The real New Yorkers with generations of New York behind them don't typically live in Manhattan (of course not true in my case, as I live there). But the majority live in eastern areas of bklyn, Staten Island, Long Island and New Jersey. If you want to ask one of those people what their " norm" is, it will be more likely to be covering your plate than someone living in park slope or the upper west side.

Jen4948 · February 2014

LowerEastSiiide said:

Jen4948 said:

Thing is, I don't see that you or lyndausvi could know more than a tiny fraction of 1 percent of the people who live here, so that tiny fraction cannot be representative of anything even approaching "the norm" - especially when you do not live here. So - I'm sorry but the fact that you know some people here who do it does not make it "a cultural or regional norm."

I think you are taking this a little too personal.

I don't claim to know all about the Tri-state area. Even living there you can't either.

However, I have lived and worked all over the states. I have met a lot of people from a lot of different areas in my lifetime. Every single person I've met who follows the CYP line of thinking as come from that area. Including my DH and his entire family. All of his much younger sisters' friends who run in different circles than DH.

Several knotties in the past from NYC have thought that way. This is by far not the first time on TK this has come up and more often than not you will find those who think that way come from that area.

That does not mean I think everyone in that area thinks that way. I don't think "oh they are from NYC, I bet they do the CYP thing". It's when I find out someone is CYP type and they follow that up with they are from the NYC area I think "not surprised".

I feel like there seems to be a sub-culture from that region that believes in that line of thinking even if the whole region itself doesn't practice it.
The issue is that I think many of you are thinking of people living in Manhattan or trendy areas of bklyn as being true New Yorkers. There are so many people in those areas that move there after college and are from other parts of the country. The real New Yorkers with generations of New York behind them don't typically live in Manhattan (of course not true in my case, as I live there). But the majority live in eastern areas of bklyn, Staten Island, Long Island and New Jersey. If you want to ask one of those people what their " norm" is, it will be more likely to be covering your plate than someone living in park slope or the upper west side.

What I think is that it isn't a "norm" anywhere in NYC or the Tri-State area. There are groups and pockets of people who do it, yes, such as the ones you know, but not enough of them for it to constitute a "norm."

LowerEastSiiide · February 2014

I actually do think it's the norm in the tri state area. We can agree to disagree but I also count more because I'm actually from here- so are my parents, my grandparents and my great grandparents after they moved from Europe. So I have long roots here and would know better than someone who's not from here.

Jen4948 · February 2014

LowerEastSiiide said:

I actually do think it's the norm in the tri state area. We can agree to disagree but I also count more because I'm actually from here- so are my parents, my grandparents and my great grandparents after they moved from Europe. So I have long roots here and would know better than someone who's not from here.

So do I, darling. You DON'T "count more" or win the "I would know better than someone who's not from here" in a contest with me. I''ve lived here many years and am "from here" as well, and I also have long roots here. My parents and grandparents were natives of NYC, and my great-grandparents also moved here from Europe.

sarahufl · February 2014

LowerEastSiiide said:

I actually do think it's the norm in the tri state area. We can agree to disagree but I also count more because I'm actually from here- so are my parents, my grandparents and my great grandparents after they moved from Europe. So I have long roots here and would know better than someone who's not from here.

hahahaha, you "count more"? This won't go over well.

rajahmd · February 2014

Well this turned into quite the odd pissing contest.

Jen4948 · February 2014

RajahBMFD said:

Well this turned into quite the odd pissing contest.

Yeah, it did.

PK's Poll - Covering Your Plate

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