Did you make an ettiquette mistake?

antoto · February 2014

antoto said:

On one of the invitations I sent out I put a persons "short version" name, rather than their "long version" name. Wont say her real name but it was like putting Bob instead of Robert.

She defriended me on facebook for it.

Oops.

Who knew that would be a friendship deal breaker?

Annoying? Sure. Relationship ended? Not so much.

Bah. Box. Yeah she never RSVPed but I'm assuming she's not coming.

MollyandD · February 2014

antoto said:
On one of the invitations I sent out I put a persons "short version" name, rather than their "long version" name. Wont say her real name but it was like putting Bob instead of Robert.

She defriended me on facebook for it.

Oops.

That seems like such a small error. I don't see how that could possibly make someone so mad.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

antoto said:

antoto said:

On one of the invitations I sent out I put a persons "short version" name, rather than their "long version" name. Wont say her real name but it was like putting Bob instead of Robert.

She defriended me on facebook for it.

Oops.

Who knew that would be a friendship deal breaker?

Annoying? Sure. Relationship ended? Not so much.

Bah. Box. Yeah she never RSVPed but I'm assuming she's not coming.

This is just so bizarre. Really? Like saying Mike instead of Michael? Or Jen instead of Jennifer? I'm assuming this is a nickname she goes by verbally if your instinct was to use it. It seems pretty excessive to just end the relationship over that.

Blergbot · February 2014

I asked my parents for money. When I came on here and realized this was not okay, I apologized. They personally didn't think I had anything to apologize for, and my dad was actually relieved at the amount I suggested, but I still shouldn't have done it. ETA: missing preposition.

antoto · February 2014

antoto said:

antoto said:

On one of the invitations I sent out I put a persons "short version" name, rather than their "long version" name. Wont say her real name but it was like putting Bob instead of Robert.

She defriended me on facebook for it.

Oops.

Who knew that would be a friendship deal breaker?

Annoying? Sure. Relationship ended? Not so much.

Bah. Box. Yeah she never RSVPed but I'm assuming she's not coming.

This is just so bizarre. Really? Like saying Mike instead of Michael? Or Jen instead of Jennifer? I'm assuming this is a nickname she goes by verbally if your instinct was to use it. It seems pretty excessive to just end the relationship over that.

For some reason my computer is just all about boxes today. Yes, I had only ever heard her go by her short name before - it was what she had on FB, what everyone called her, how I was introduced to her. She is not my personal friend, but she is an SO of my fiances very good friend, so we will inevitably see each other every once in a while. Not sure why she chose to make things so awkward. Fun times.

Gerbertmcway · February 2014

Schatzi13 said:

We asked SIL to do my makeup - I get by, but she's pretty much obsessed with makeup and always looks amazing. I'd been asked by so many people to do so many things for their weddings, and I'd always been happy to do them, so I naively didn't stop to think that asking is an imposition.

I felt bad after I joined here and had that "aha" moment when I read that asking people to do things is an imposition. Luckily, she seemed pretty excited about the task. We of course got her a nice gift as thanks.

This is the kind of thing that I think depends on who you're asking to do something and what your relationship with them is like. I know you shouldn't expect or demand things of people, but I think most of us have friends and family members who genuinely WANT to help out and may be upset and not feel included otherwise. I think as long as you're polite about it and give them the option of saying no it's not a big deal, but that's just my opinion I suppose.

phira · February 2014

So, I admit that we used most people's short names on save-the-dates.

Over the years, I've noticed that I have a weirdly hard time connecting short names with full names. For example, when my partner and I first met and he introduced himself, he used his short name. In fact, he identifies as his short name so much that he's considered legally changing his name to it. When he emailed me for the first time, Gmail had his name stored as his full name, and I was REALLY confused. It's not just me, either; the other day, we called my grandmother, and his full first name showed up on her caller ID and she didn't pick up because she didn't know who that was.

And his short name isn't even an uncommon nickname for his full name. It's just that hard for me to make the connection.

So when we did save-the-dates, I just wrote the names I knew for people. It drove my partner crazy because all of a sudden, I had to learn the REAL first names of all his family members, since most of them go by short names (in fact, most of them have the same first names, and short names are how we tell them apart).

I'll probably ask my mom for advice about invitations, since she'll be able to tell me how offended people in my family will be if we use short names (or, in the case of one cousin, his REAL first name; he goes by his middle name and I didn't know his real first name until I was 15).

But honestly, it irritates me that someone would be SO offended they'd end a friendship. It's a formality things; it's not the wrong title or an incorrect name. Even so, I do know that, "Well, I wouldn't be offended" isn't a good reason to do or not do something. Ugh, what a pain.

sarahufl · February 2014

We have a family friend who goes by Bud. Literally, everyone calls him Bud. His business cards say Bud on them. His full name is something really formal- Otto something or other the 4th. If you told me Otto something or other the 4th was coming to my wedding, I would have no idea who you were talking about and neither would anyone else.

Out of curiosity, is this a case where we should address his invite to Mr. and Mrs. Otto something or other the 4th or just Bud?

AddieCake · February 2014

antoto said:

On one of the invitations I sent out I put a persons "short version" name, rather than their "long version" name. Wont say her real name but it was like putting Bob instead of Robert.

She defriended me on facebook for it.

Oops.

WTF?

grumbledore · February 2014

@antoto I think we need more of this story, if there is more...

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

AddieL73 said:

antoto said:

On one of the invitations I sent out I put a persons "short version" name, rather than their "long version" name. Wont say her real name but it was like putting Bob instead of Robert.

She defriended me on facebook for it.

Oops.

WTF?

My reaction too.

climbingsingle · February 2014

So, I had planned a big party for FI's 40th birthday at his house. We left for vacation and (complete shock to me), he proposed while we were away. The party was a week after we got back. Because we had just gotten engaged and it was the first time almost everyone was seeing us since, the party seemingly turned into an engagement party.

A lot of the guests brought us gifts. I was really surprised. And I felt bad. I didn't want any gifts! So, I sort of inadvertently threw ourselves an engagement party. D'oh.

misshart00 · February 2014

I had a dessert reception at a meal time. It never occurred to me to have a full meal as I've been to very few weddings with a full meal.

antoto · February 2014

grumbledore said:

@antoto I think we need more of this story, if there is more...

Yay! Free from the box!

So there is a bit (lot) more to the story. So this girl lives in a different state and to this day I have only seen her twice. The first time I met her was at a wedding for a mutual friend. A very large group of us shared a huge hotel suite. We did not expect her to be staying with us, because she has two children and we are a group of rowdy late 20s/early 30s who enjoy drinking. Buuut she decided to stay with us - along with her two kids.

The second time I met her was at a concert. I thought everything went fine. She would sometimes seem a little short with me, but I really didn't notice anything.

Fast forward until about 4 months ago. I commented on FB that I didn't understand why Miley Cyrus was getting so much negative attention for her VMA performance when Robin Thicke was a big sexist creep. She sent me a private message that said something to the effect of "I'm surprised you feel so strongly about this since the first time I met you you were wearing a slutty nightgown in front of my children". She was referring to the night we spent in the hotel suite after the wedding. She got back to the suite after me, I was already in my pajamas (a grey cotton nightgown) under the blankets trying to sleep.

I never responded to this message because there was literally no response that I could think of that would not encourage a fight.

So after that things were a little awkward between us, but I just hoped things would settle and it would be forgotten.

About 2 months ago I sent out invitations for my wedding. Suddenly she had unfriended me. My FI was still friends with her and he told me she had posted about how angry she was that someone had sent her something that was addressed to her short name and not her long name.

She never sent an RSVP but her SO, my FI's friend told us they weren't going to make it.

I think she always disliked me... and I think it is probably that I am getting married and she is not. She has been with her SO for a very long time, has a child with him, constantly harasses him about proposing to her, and he hasn't. So perhaps my engagement and upcoming wedding is bringing up that insecurity.

End of story... for now. I have no idea what will happen when I next see her.

phira · February 2014

antoto said:

grumbledore said:

@antoto I think we need more of this story, if there is more...

Yay! Free from the box!

So there is a bit (lot) more to the story. So this girl lives in a different state and to this day I have only seen her twice. The first time I met her was at a wedding for a mutual friend. A very large group of us shared a huge hotel suite. We did not expect her to be staying with us, because she has two children and we are a group of rowdy late 20s/early 30s who enjoy drinking. Buuut she decided to stay with us - along with her two kids.

The second time I met her was at a concert. I thought everything went fine. She would sometimes seem a little short with me, but I really didn't notice anything.

Fast forward until about 4 months ago. I commented on FB that I didn't understand why Miley Cyrus was getting so much negative attention for her VMA performance when Robin Thicke was a big sexist creep. She sent me a private message that said something to the effect of "I'm surprised you feel so strongly about this since the first time I met you you were wearing a slutty nightgown in front of my children". She was referring to the night we spent in the hotel suite after the wedding. She got back to the suite after me, I was already in my pajamas (a grey cotton nightgown) under the blankets trying to sleep.

I never responded to this message because there was literally no response that I could think of that would not encourage a fight.

So after that things were a little awkward between us, but I just hoped things would settle and it would be forgotten.

About 2 months ago I sent out invitations for my wedding. Suddenly she had unfriended me. My FI was still friends with her and he told me she had posted about how angry she was that someone had sent her something that was addressed to her short name and not her long name.

She never sent an RSVP but her SO, my FI's friend told us they weren't going to make it.

I think she always disliked me... and I think it is probably that I am getting married and she is not. She has been with her SO for a very long time, has a child with him, constantly harasses him about proposing to her, and he hasn't. So perhaps my engagement and upcoming wedding is bringing up that insecurity.

End of story... for now. I have no idea what will happen when I next see her.

It sounds like she wasn't really a friend beforehand, and has a lot of her own shit to work through. Either way, probably for the best that she's not coming to your wedding (she might comment on how your dress is like a slutty nightgown or something).

APDSS22 · February 2014

antoto said:

grumbledore said:

@antoto I think we need more of this story, if there is more...

Yay! Free from the box!

So there is a bit (lot) more to the story. So this girl lives in a different state and to this day I have only seen her twice. The first time I met her was at a wedding for a mutual friend. A very large group of us shared a huge hotel suite. We did not expect her to be staying with us, because she has two children and we are a group of rowdy late 20s/early 30s who enjoy drinking. Buuut she decided to stay with us - along with her two kids.

The second time I met her was at a concert. I thought everything went fine. She would sometimes seem a little short with me, but I really didn't notice anything.

Fast forward until about 4 months ago. I commented on FB that I didn't understand why Miley Cyrus was getting so much negative attention for her VMA performance when Robin Thicke was a big sexist creep. She sent me a private message that said something to the effect of "I'm surprised you feel so strongly about this since the first time I met you you were wearing a slutty nightgown in front of my children". She was referring to the night we spent in the hotel suite after the wedding. She got back to the suite after me, I was already in my pajamas (a grey cotton nightgown) under the blankets trying to sleep.

I never responded to this message because there was literally no response that I could think of that would not encourage a fight.

So after that things were a little awkward between us, but I just hoped things would settle and it would be forgotten.

About 2 months ago I sent out invitations for my wedding. Suddenly she had unfriended me. My FI was still friends with her and he told me she had posted about how angry she was that someone had sent her something that was addressed to her short name and not her long name.

She never sent an RSVP but her SO, my FI's friend told us they weren't going to make it.

I think she always disliked me... and I think it is probably that I am getting married and she is not. She has been with her SO for a very long time, has a child with him, constantly harasses him about proposing to her, and he hasn't. So perhaps my engagement and upcoming wedding is bringing up that insecurity.

End of story... for now. I have no idea what will happen when I next see her.

Ah, so she's just irrational. That makes a lot more sense then. Although it is formal and correct to send mail to a person's long/legal name, in most circumstances it is reasonable to use the name that they prefer to be addressed by. If someone is always referred to by their nickname, have it on FB, etc. they should at least not be supremely outraged if you send them snail mail addressed to that name. If they're rational humans of course. I have a friend who is determined to legally change her name, is never referred to by her birth name but always by another name she has chosen. In fact, I only know her legal name because I've worked with her and filed her hiring information. She would probably be outraged if she received mail addressed to her legal name not sent by the government (since they don't know any better).

NavyBlue143 · February 2014

I forgot to invite a friend with her (at the time) new bf. I just invited her, because at the time we did the guest list spreadsheet, she had just gotten out of an engagement and was single. I honestly thought I had invited her with a guest. I meant to ask his name and write it on the invite. She was too polite to mention it, and somehow it completely missed my radar. I felt soooo badly. I still do. He's a great guy. He teases me that when they get married, H will be invited but I won't.

Also, we didn't use full names on all of our invites. H's friend Tazz is not Isaac, he is Tazz, and if you call him otherwise he thinks he's in trouble. My friend Maggie is not Margaret, she's Maggie. But we are rennies, so formality is generally frowned upon. Relatives and more straight laced people had properly addressed invites.

dramamonkey · February 2014

phira said:
@majesty318 @JCBride2014 Our venue is honestly really great, and they're giving us a ton of complimentary stuff because we have a hard to book date (off-season Sunday near a holiday). One of the extras they're giving us is "welcome beverage service," so our guests will be offered hot cider as they arrive, and the ceremony area will be set up and ready to go so people can sit.

The venue is a super popular wedding venue and they've been in the business for years, so I believe them when they say that they do things this way for a reason. Hell, I'm an instructor; I know that no matter how clear you are, 130 people are not all going to pay attention and show up on time, and they'll be distracting as they come in late. But I'm glad that we can at least properly host everyone, and I think that we only have to add a 15 minute buffer.

We didn't have this issue, but wanted to share two funny time-related things:

DH's coworkers told one of their other coworkers that our wedding start time was 3:00 (he had an invite that said the correct time-4- but just listened to his coworkers). Good thing bc he showed up at 3:40.

2 of my friends showed up at 4:05, assuming that we wouldn't start on time...we did, so they ended up standing in back so as not to disturb the ceremony.

dramamonkey · February 2014

I didn't invite my dad's "lady friend" - he doesn't call her his girlfriend...and honestly I don't care for her and I know it would have upset my mother (they've been divorced for 8 years, but we still do holidays as a family unit)

majesty318 · February 2014

phira said:

@majesty318 @JCBride2014 Our venue is honestly really great, and they're giving us a ton of complimentary stuff because we have a hard to book date (off-season Sunday near a holiday). One of the extras they're giving us is "welcome beverage service," so our guests will be offered hot cider as they arrive, and the ceremony area will be set up and ready to go so people can sit.

The venue is a super popular wedding venue and they've been in the business for years, so I believe them when they say that they do things this way for a reason. Hell, I'm an instructor; I know that no matter how clear you are, 130 people are not all going to pay attention and show up on time, and they'll be distracting as they come in late. But I'm glad that we can at least properly host everyone, and I think that we only have to add a 15 minute buffer.

I completely agree with this. I was not too bothered by the "fake" start time since our venue also has the welcome beverage service. And yes, they likely know what they are doing!

Oh, my other breach of etiquette was using address labels. We ordered our invites from Etsy and the seller does custom printed matching labels. FI almost died laughing when I told him technically we shouldn't use them. And they look awesome so they are being used.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Sars06 said:

I've congratulated the bride.

Fortunately, my first move after getting engaged was to lurk here and read Miss Manners cover to cover. My wedding should be nearly 100% etiquette-approved.

Explain to me why this is considered rude. . . I know there is a reason I just forget it because 99% of people do it!

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

antoto said:

grumbledore said:

@antoto I think we need more of this story, if there is more...

Yay! Free from the box!

So there is a bit (lot) more to the story. So this girl lives in a different state and to this day I have only seen her twice. The first time I met her was at a wedding for a mutual friend. A very large group of us shared a huge hotel suite. We did not expect her to be staying with us, because she has two children and we are a group of rowdy late 20s/early 30s who enjoy drinking. Buuut she decided to stay with us - along with her two kids.

The second time I met her was at a concert. I thought everything went fine. She would sometimes seem a little short with me, but I really didn't notice anything.

Fast forward until about 4 months ago. I commented on FB that I didn't understand why Miley Cyrus was getting so much negative attention for her VMA performance when Robin Thicke was a big sexist creep. She sent me a private message that said something to the effect of "I'm surprised you feel so strongly about this since the first time I met you you were wearing a slutty nightgown in front of my children". She was referring to the night we spent in the hotel suite after the wedding. She got back to the suite after me, I was already in my pajamas (a grey cotton nightgown) under the blankets trying to sleep.

I never responded to this message because there was literally no response that I could think of that would not encourage a fight.

So after that things were a little awkward between us, but I just hoped things would settle and it would be forgotten.

About 2 months ago I sent out invitations for my wedding. Suddenly she had unfriended me. My FI was still friends with her and he told me she had posted about how angry she was that someone had sent her something that was addressed to her short name and not her long name.

She never sent an RSVP but her SO, my FI's friend told us they weren't going to make it.

I think she always disliked me... and I think it is probably that I am getting married and she is not. She has been with her SO for a very long time, has a child with him, constantly harasses him about proposing to her, and he hasn't. So perhaps my engagement and upcoming wedding is bringing up that insecurity.

End of story... for now. I have no idea what will happen when I next see her.

HOOOOOOOOOOOLY Hell! Bitch be Tay-Cray!

I think you doged a bullet on this one, hun.

Sars06 · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

I've congratulated the bride.

Fortunately, my first move after getting engaged was to lurk here and read Miss Manners cover to cover. My wedding should be nearly 100% etiquette-approved.

Explain to me why this is considered rude. . . I know there is a reason I just forget it because 99% of people do it!

No good reason, lol. Something about how it supposedly comes across as "how lucky you are to have finally caught a husband!"

An acquaintance actually stopped me at a party the other night and said, "I heard about your engagement, and I just wanted to say 'best wishes!'" I was so excited to find a kindred spirit!

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Sars06 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

I've congratulated the bride.

Fortunately, my first move after getting engaged was to lurk here and read Miss Manners cover to cover. My wedding should be nearly 100% etiquette-approved.

Explain to me why this is considered rude. . . I know there is a reason I just forget it because 99% of people do it!

No good reason, lol. Something about how it supposedly comes across as "how lucky you are to have finally caught a husband!"

An acquaintance actually stopped me at a party the other night and said, "I heard about your engagement, and I just wanted to say 'best wishes!'" I was so excited to find a kindred spirit!

Ah, that's it! Thank you! I have been trying to train myself to say Best Wishes to women. Shouldn't we say the same thing to the guys then, too?

Sars06 · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

I've congratulated the bride.

Fortunately, my first move after getting engaged was to lurk here and read Miss Manners cover to cover. My wedding should be nearly 100% etiquette-approved.

Explain to me why this is considered rude. . . I know there is a reason I just forget it because 99% of people do it!

No good reason, lol. Something about how it supposedly comes across as "how lucky you are to have finally caught a husband!"

An acquaintance actually stopped me at a party the other night and said, "I heard about your engagement, and I just wanted to say 'best wishes!'" I was so excited to find a kindred spirit!

Ah, that's it! Thank you! I have been trying to train myself to say Best Wishes to women. Shouldn't we say the same thing to the guys then, too?

No, because the groom IS lucky.

It's silly. And "best wishes" is an awkward expression to use in person.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

I used labels on my invites (not the main address but for the return address and the RSVP envelope).

I put individuals who were just dating on the same line rather then on separate lines (oh the horror!) on the invitation.

My H wore a tux before 6pm (we are so going to hell in a hand basket!)

Hmm, that is about it.

whitjoy · February 2014

Oh crud, this one is new to me. Couples who aren't engaged or married go on separate lines? Oops

Maggie0829 · February 2014

whitjoy said:

Oh crud, this one is new to me. Couples who aren't engaged or married go on separate lines? Oops

Yup. Separating the names with an "and" denotes that the two individuals are married.

Putting them on separate lines shows that they are not.

But in the end, it is a victim-less crime that many people may not even be aware of.

sarahufl · February 2014

whitjoy said:

Oh crud, this one is new to me. Couples who aren't engaged or married go on separate lines? Oops

Yup. Separating the names with an "and" denotes that the two individuals are married.

Putting them on separate lines shows that they are not.

But in the end, it is a victim-less crime that many people may not even be aware of.

*STUCK*

Literally the first time I have ever heard this rule. Very interesting!

banana468 · February 2014

We were 2/3 of the way through our reception when I was by the bar and saw a tip jar. I didn't like it but I also didn't want to make a big stink about it either.

Did you make an ettiquette mistake?

Re: Did you make an ettiquette mistake?

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