Did you make an ettiquette mistake?

whitjoy · February 2014

Well, luckily I've only done std, I can still redeem myself!

kaitlynmichelle · February 2014

Sars06 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

I've congratulated the bride.

Fortunately, my first move after getting engaged was to lurk here and read Miss Manners cover to cover. My wedding should be nearly 100% etiquette-approved.

Explain to me why this is considered rude. . . I know there is a reason I just forget it because 99% of people do it!

No good reason, lol. Something about how it supposedly comes across as "how lucky you are to have finally caught a husband!"

An acquaintance actually stopped me at a party the other night and said, "I heard about your engagement, and I just wanted to say 'best wishes!'" I was so excited to find a kindred spirit!

I never realized this! I have always said congratulations to women when they were engaged/got married. Now that I think of it everyone has said congratulations for the most part since we got engaged. I've thought nothing of it.

WildMagelet · February 2014

Does the congratulations thing count if its to both of them at the same time? Because I've definitely done that.

I also have always brought the gift to the wedding if we were attending. I didn't know you weren't supposed to until after I joined TK.

I've used labels on (non-wedding) invitations before.

I've worn a white dress as a guest (with a huge floral print, definitely not mistaken for the bride).

I've failed to RSVP on-time before (oops!) - and definitely never in letter form

rajahmd · February 2014

We used clear mailing labels on our invites. No one cared. Oh, and we didn't use titles except for the old women my grandmother told would be offended otherwise.

We put the website information directly on the wedding invite.

Only our names we included on the invite design and we used shorthand (like 3:00pm for three in the afternoon).

Basically, our invites would have given CMGr a heart attack.

But our STD's were awesome, which makes up for everything.

phira · February 2014

I always congratulate BOTH people in the couple. I mean, we're at their frickin wedding, so I kind of assumed that it was context appropriate.

This is the first I've heard of the "not married, address them on different lines" rule. WHOOPS. Seems like a victimless crime to me, though.

photokitty · February 2014

I always say best wishes and snickered on the inside when soneone would congratulate me. Saying congratulations to a bride implies that she has won something - her groom - or that she being congratulated for avoiding being a spinster. The groom is to be congratulated for getting the lady to accept his marriage proposal.

antoto · February 2014

photokitty said:

I always say best wishes and snickered on the inside when soneone would congratulate me. Saying congratulations to a bride implies that she has won something - her groom - or that she being congratulated for avoiding being a spinster. The groom is to be congratulated for getting the lady to accept his marriage proposal.

That seems so weird. I'm going to go ahead and continue congratulating people, just like I do when they have any other life moment like graduating or having a baby.

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

I think if someone said "Best wishes!" to me after becoming engaged or getting married, I'd take it to mean "Good luck!" as if I'd need it lol I think "congratulations" is just fine. Honestly IMO, it IS an achievement of sorts because it shows that you've managed to build a strong, healthy, loving relationship with someone and now you're going to build the rest of your lives together.

SJM7538 · February 2014

We hosted beer and wine for the bar and obviously soda, juice and all non alcoholic drinks. All non alcoholic drinks I just told the venue to charge to my credit card bc it worked out to be cheaper this way. Well after cocktail hour my dad came up to me and told me he was charged for a soda. I found our hostess and corrected the situation immediately but I was mortified. I have no idea if any other guests had to pay for a soda but no one ever said anything to me. I also found out when we got back from our honeymoon that they had tip jars out. I never noticed bc I never actually had to go to the bar... Everytime my wine glass was empty someone was behind be with a full one... That led to a wonderful hangover on the plane to Mexico the next morning.

sofakingmad · February 2014

We invited people to the parties after the DW that weren't invited to the DW.

MuppetOverlord · February 2014

I think my only etiquette issue might have been my MIL who told her family that they had to give us more money for our wedding gift because we didn't have a shower.

SJM7538 · February 2014

I don't THINK this is bad ettiquette but correct me if I am wrong.

H and I were leaving for our honeymoon at 5 am the morning after the wedding. So that night we got home and opened all the cards, put the cash and checks together and put them in an envelope and gave it to MIL to bring to the bank that week. We didn't want to leave that much money sitting around in the house. A friend told me it was rude and looked gift grabby to cash the checks that soon (my MIL went to the bank the next day apparently bc our bank is open on Sundays. And she lives 30 minutes from us so for her to get there during the week isn't easy). I told my friend we did that because we didn't want to leave the money sitting around the house and also bc we didn't want to wait 2+ weeks to cash peoples checks. To me... its annoying when someone holds onto a check forever and I'm trying to balance my checkbook. She still said it was rude.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

SJM7538 said:

I don't THINK this is bad ettiquette but correct me if I am wrong.

H and I were leaving for our honeymoon at 5 am the morning after the wedding. So that night we got home and opened all the cards, put the cash and checks together and put them in an envelope and gave it to MIL to bring to the bank that week. We didn't want to leave that much money sitting around in the house. A friend told me it was rude and looked gift grabby to cash the checks that soon (my MIL went to the bank the next day apparently bc our bank is open on Sundays. And she lives 30 minutes from us so for her to get there during the week isn't easy). I told my friend we did that because we didn't want to leave the money sitting around the house and also bc we didn't want to wait 2+ weeks to cash peoples checks. To me... its annoying when someone holds onto a check forever and I'm trying to balance my checkbook. She still said it was rude.

What? How long does your friend think you should have waited? That is dumb and not against etiquette at all.

I am just surprised that your MIL was able to do that. I thought only those with their name on the accounts could deposit/withdraw money or checks.

banana468 · February 2014

Friend is wrong. As long as you wrote prompt thank you notes, there's nothing wrong with depositing the money right away.

sofakingmad · February 2014

SJM7538 said:

I don't THINK this is bad ettiquette but correct me if I am wrong.

H and I were leaving for our honeymoon at 5 am the morning after the wedding. So that night we got home and opened all the cards, put the cash and checks together and put them in an envelope and gave it to MIL to bring to the bank that week. We didn't want to leave that much money sitting around in the house. A friend told me it was rude and looked gift grabby to cash the checks that soon (my MIL went to the bank the next day apparently bc our bank is open on Sundays. And she lives 30 minutes from us so for her to get there during the week isn't easy). I told my friend we did that because we didn't want to leave the money sitting around the house and also bc we didn't want to wait 2+ weeks to cash peoples checks. To me... its annoying when someone holds onto a check forever and I'm trying to balance my checkbook. She still said it was rude.

I had a friend try to tell me the same thing. She was all "We didn't cash ANY checks until all of our thank you notes were out." They held onto checks for almost a month.

We cashed everything and then promptly got those thank you notes out in a couple weeks.

I HATE when people hold checks. You start worrying if the card got lost or something.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

SJM7538 said:

I don't THINK this is bad ettiquette but correct me if I am wrong.

H and I were leaving for our honeymoon at 5 am the morning after the wedding. So that night we got home and opened all the cards, put the cash and checks together and put them in an envelope and gave it to MIL to bring to the bank that week. We didn't want to leave that much money sitting around in the house. A friend told me it was rude and looked gift grabby to cash the checks that soon (my MIL went to the bank the next day apparently bc our bank is open on Sundays. And she lives 30 minutes from us so for her to get there during the week isn't easy). I told my friend we did that because we didn't want to leave the money sitting around the house and also bc we didn't want to wait 2+ weeks to cash peoples checks. To me... its annoying when someone holds onto a check forever and I'm trying to balance my checkbook. She still said it was rude.

I had a friend try to tell me the same thing. She was all "We didn't cash ANY checks until all of our thank you notes were out." They held onto checks for almost a month.

We cashed everything and then promptly got those thank you notes out in a couple weeks.

I HATE when people hold checks. You start worrying if the card got lost or something.

Me too, plus it fucks with your account- you have to "sit" on that money until your check is deposited/cashed.

SJM7538 · February 2014

SJM7538 said:

I don't THINK this is bad ettiquette but correct me if I am wrong.

H and I were leaving for our honeymoon at 5 am the morning after the wedding. So that night we got home and opened all the cards, put the cash and checks together and put them in an envelope and gave it to MIL to bring to the bank that week. We didn't want to leave that much money sitting around in the house. A friend told me it was rude and looked gift grabby to cash the checks that soon (my MIL went to the bank the next day apparently bc our bank is open on Sundays. And she lives 30 minutes from us so for her to get there during the week isn't easy). I told my friend we did that because we didn't want to leave the money sitting around the house and also bc we didn't want to wait 2+ weeks to cash peoples checks. To me... its annoying when someone holds onto a check forever and I'm trying to balance my checkbook. She still said it was rude.
What? How long does your friend think you should have waited? That is dumb and not against etiquette at all.

I am just surprised that your MIL was able to do that. I thought only those with their name on the accounts could deposit/withdraw money or checks.

Stuck in the box - Not sure what the regulations are but our bank is a pretty small credit union, I let them know ahead of time and approximately when she would be coming in and they said it would be fine as long as I wrote "for deposit only" on all of the checks. So thats what I did

Banana - I did. We got back from our honeymoon on a Tuesday and I have all of our thank you notes done by the following Friday. I had a very sore hand afterwards but I knew if I didn't just sit down and do them I would keep procrastinating.

SP29 · February 2014

We almost didn't invite a friend's SO, but I'm glad we did.

Two of DH's friends live together, as roommates. The one friend has a gf who still lives with her parents. At the time we didn't know her very well. We almost didn't invite her, thinking, "well the two friends (who live together) can travel together". Then I came on here and realized how rude we were being. So we invited her as well, and I am glad we did as we have become closer since then, and she and the friend (her bf) both attended.

Now, the way I think of a wedding is how wold you treat your guests if you invited them to your house for dinner? I think people get "confused" because a wedding seems like it is its own "thing", but it's really not. If we had a dinner party and invited DH's friend, we definitely would invite his gf too, so she should also be invited to the wedding.

We addressed our envelopes via the computer and printing them ourselves. Gasp! They looked good...

I hate to admit it, but we technically B-listed a couple guests. Originally we asked each of our parents (both of our parents are divorced) if there was anyone they wanted us to invite. MIL gave us a fair list of family and friends. We knew we couldn't invite all of them, and told MIL this. We invited a number of DH's mother's side of the family and all but 3 of them declined (and one of those 3 didn't come to the wedding). DH felt pretty down that most of his family couldn't attend and felt like his mother would have no one to talk to during the wedding (his parents do not get along, and his mother is very conservative, so wouldn't really be up dancing or drinking with the other guests) so he convinced me to let him invite some of the friends who were on her list that we originally didn't plan to invite. They received their invites by 6 weeks out, as we had sent our family their invites early (as we are OOT so brought them home with us when we went for a visit), but I still felt bad about it, and these friends, though I had never met them, probably should've been invited over MIL's family in the first place.

I think inviting someone by their "short" name is a victim-less crime, particularly if that is how they introduce them self to you and what they go by socially.

phira · February 2014

@SP29 Or if you didn't actually know that their name was a short name (one of my partner's cousins goes by the Irish version of his given name ... except all of his other siblings have names similar to his non-given name and there was no way for me to know).

OnionBreath · February 2014

I didn't know I was supposed to send invitations to individual adult children, I read that recently and am so thankful as I haven't sent them yet.

happymellow · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

I've congratulated the bride.

Fortunately, my first move after getting engaged was to lurk here and read Miss Manners cover to cover. My wedding should be nearly 100% etiquette-approved.

Explain to me why this is considered rude. . . I know there is a reason I just forget it because 99% of people do it!

No good reason, lol. Something about how it supposedly comes across as "how lucky you are to have finally caught a husband!"

An acquaintance actually stopped me at a party the other night and said, "I heard about your engagement, and I just wanted to say 'best wishes!'" I was so excited to find a kindred spirit!

Ah, that's it! Thank you! I have been trying to train myself to say Best Wishes to women. Shouldn't we say the same thing to the guys then, too?

My mom taught me this "rule" as a kid, so I've always said, "I'm so excited for you!!!" or "I'm so happy for you!" but since becoming engaged myself, sooooo many people have wished me congratulations. I choose not to dwell on it and take it in the spirit in which it's intended. For me, life's too short to over analyze this one.

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

I saw people posting their wedding websites to fb so I did similarly - oops. But I loved to see how high the "# viewed" went!

grumbledore · February 2014

I've never heard of the congratulations thing until this thread. I think 100 people have said congrats to me and/or my FI and I really couldn't care less. It's sweet.

MrsAitch · February 2014

happymellow said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Sars06 said:

I've congratulated the bride.

Fortunately, my first move after getting engaged was to lurk here and read Miss Manners cover to cover. My wedding should be nearly 100% etiquette-approved.

Explain to me why this is considered rude. . . I know there is a reason I just forget it because 99% of people do it!

No good reason, lol. Something about how it supposedly comes across as "how lucky you are to have finally caught a husband!"

An acquaintance actually stopped me at a party the other night and said, "I heard about your engagement, and I just wanted to say 'best wishes!'" I was so excited to find a kindred spirit!

Ah, that's it! Thank you! I have been trying to train myself to say Best Wishes to women. Shouldn't we say the same thing to the guys then, too?

My mom taught me this "rule" as a kid, so I've always said, "I'm so excited for you!!!" or "I'm so happy for you!" but since becoming engaged myself, sooooo many people have wished me congratulations. I choose not to dwell on it and take it in the spirit in which it's intended. For me, life's too short to over analyze this one.

I like this idea

I always feel like "best wishes" comes off so awkwardly in person--but in cards I always write something like "congratulations on your wedding and best wishes for your marriage." It doesn't seem so awkward when it's written out for some reason.

tesgirl123 · February 2014

I'm having a gap of about 2 hours between the end of my ceremony and the start of the cocktail hour. Fuck it, I don't really care since our reception is in a hotel with a full, very nice bar. Its a Catholic mass that the church requires afternoon ceremonies. Everyone in NJ is used to it.

antoto · February 2014

tesgirl123 said:

I'm having a gap of about 2 hours between the end of my ceremony and the start of the cocktail hour. Fuck it, I don't really care since our reception is in a hotel with a full, very nice bar. Its a Catholic mass that the church requires afternoon ceremonies. Everyone in NJ is used to it.

Are you paying for them to all drink at the bar...? Oh man...

Fairyjen1 · February 2014

I haven't made any etiquette blunders, yet. I know the big ones to avoid. I have, however done them as a guest. Cash bars seem to be common at weddings among my family and friends. I've only been to two weddings that have been fully hosted (one full bar, one beer and wine) or so I thought. I realize now that a couple were most likely hosted, tea, coffee and water were offered, along with a bottle of white and a bottle of red wine on each table. However, these weddings were both at the same country club, which had a bar outside the room the reception was in, they don't close the bar during weddings because other member of the club can use it. I have bought a couple drinks and sodas from said bar because I wanted it more than tea or water and I don't drink wine. I realize after coming here I was being a rude guest because I was indicating that what they provided wasn't good enough because I went outside to purchase it.

From now on, in a similar situation, I'll take the available beverages and call it good!

phira · February 2014

tesgirl123 said:

I'm having a gap of about 2 hours between the end of my ceremony and the start of the cocktail hour. Fuck it, I don't really care since our reception is in a hotel with a full, very nice bar. Its a Catholic mass that the church requires afternoon ceremonies. Everyone in NJ is used to it.

Hope you've got a tab open at the bar $:\$

antoto · February 2014

phira said:

tesgirl123 said:

I'm having a gap of about 2 hours between the end of my ceremony and the start of the cocktail hour. Fuck it, I don't really care since our reception is in a hotel with a full, very nice bar. Its a Catholic mass that the church requires afternoon ceremonies. Everyone in NJ is used to it.

Hope you've got a tab open at the bar $:\$

A ton of guests drinking for 2 hours on an empty stomach. That will turn out well.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

tesgirl123 said:

I'm having a gap of about 2 hours between the end of my ceremony and the start of the cocktail hour. Fuck it, I don't really care since our reception is in a hotel with a full, very nice bar. Its a Catholic mass that the church requires afternoon ceremonies. Everyone in NJ is used to it.

So you don't care about your guests and the fact that you are leaving them high and dry for 2 hours to what, take pretty pictures? Awesome way to treat your loved ones.

You know there are some etiquette mistakes I can just roll my eyes at and move on from but then there are etiquette mistakes like this one that makes me wonder what the hell people are thinking. You are not the center of the universe. Even on your wedding day. Treat your guests well and respect their time. A two hour gap is not respecting their time and is just fucking rude.

Did you make an ettiquette mistake?

Re: Did you make an ettiquette mistake?

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