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Intro and question

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Re: Intro and question

  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2014
    Hello everyone!

    I'm new to the knot but I've been a member over on thebump for a while, under a different SN. I am newly engaged and planning a wedding for October of this year. I've known my fiance for a little over 5 months and we've been dating for 4. We only see each other on the weekends due to living an hour apart. I have a 9mo daughter from a previous relationship. I'm planning a simple fall wedding with dark purple and pumpkin as my colors. I'm not fully traditional but I'm not very modern either. If you have any question or would like to know anything else, please feel free to ask. 

    Now for my question...
    I have a friend that I would like to include in my wedding but I don't really want her to be an actual bridesmaid. She lives in Alaska (we live in Kentucky) and it is just too hard to try to coordinate things for her to be a BM. I would like for her to help at the wedding by being the go between for the grooms party/brides party, greeting guests as they arrive, helping get the ring bearer and flower girl (they will be 16 & 17 months old), and other little things. What title would you give her? 
    Yea, living in Alaska is so tough!  NONE of the stores have anything cuter than a parka and fashion forward is wearing the latest coat that L.L. Bean came out with.  And bunny boots and mukluks are the only shoes they sell here.  And I have to send all my messages out by dog sled because we don't have, oh you know, cell phones and internet because we're such a backwards and far away place.

    /sarcasm

    pinkshorts27jenniferursOliveOilsMomAuroraRose41
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Hello everyone!

    I'm new to the knot but I've been a member over on thebump for a while, under a different SN. I am newly engaged and planning a wedding for October of this year. I've known my fiance for a little over 5 months and we've been dating for 4. We only see each other on the weekends due to living an hour apart. I have a 9mo daughter from a previous relationship. I'm planning a simple fall wedding with dark purple and pumpkin as my colors. I'm not fully traditional but I'm not very modern either. If you have any question or would like to know anything else, please feel free to ask. 

    Now for my question...
    I have a friend that I would like to include in my wedding but I don't really want her to be an actual bridesmaid. She lives in Alaska (we live in Kentucky) and it is just too hard to try to coordinate things for her to be a BM. I would like for her to help at the wedding by being the go between for the grooms party/brides party, greeting guests as they arrive, helping get the ring bearer and flower girl (they will be 16 & 17 months old), and other little things. What title would you give her? 
    Yea, living in Alaska is so tough!  NONE of the stores have anything cuter than a parka and fashion forward is wearing the latest coat that L.L. Bean came out with.  And bunny boots and mukluks are the only shoes they sell here.  And I have to send all my messages out by dog sled because we don't have, oh you know, cell phones and internet because we're such a backwards and far away place.

    /sarcasm
    I've met people from Alaska and I can verify this. :)

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    jenniferurs
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    a. There are other reasons than just being out of state that I do not want her to be in my wedding. 

    b. I flew from Florida for her wedding. AND. I coordinated her entire wedding FOR NOTHING once I get there BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO. 

    c. I have a VERY VERY strict budget. I can not afford a DOC. 

    d. A 16/17 month old can successfully be a ring bearer/flower girl. I've seen it done with younger children. The 17 mo is already walking at 10 months. 

    No, no, a thousand times no. What you are asking of her is WORK and just because you were happy to do it for her she may not feel the same way. If you can't afford a DOC that's fine but don't hit your friends up for help under the guise that it's an "honor" to run errands and babysit.  Even if she is super organized and loves kids, it's still not.

    People have very different views on what their expectations of people who are involved in their wedding and what is considered an "honor" is and it causes countless issues.  I just dealt with this situation myself (I was the person asked to help, not the bride) and it ended a 15 year friendship.  Please read the threads I have posted about what I have gone through:




    Really not trying to self-advertise my threads!  :)  Just seem to have experienced a lot of this lately and wanted to offer my perspective.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Hello everyone!

    I'm new to the knot but I've been a member over on thebump for a while, under a different SN. I am newly engaged and planning a wedding for October of this year. I've known my fiance for a little over 5 months and we've been dating for 4. We only see each other on the weekends due to living an hour apart. I have a 9mo daughter from a previous relationship. I'm planning a simple fall wedding with dark purple and pumpkin as my colors. I'm not fully traditional but I'm not very modern either. If you have any question or would like to know anything else, please feel free to ask. 

    Now for my question...
    I have a friend that I would like to include in my wedding but I don't really want her to be an actual bridesmaid. She lives in Alaska (we live in Kentucky) and it is just too hard to try to coordinate things for her to be a BM. I would like for her to help at the wedding by being the go between for the grooms party/brides party, greeting guests as they arrive, helping get the ring bearer and flower girl (they will be 16 & 17 months old), and other little things. What title would you give her? 

    Two things: 

    First, this is your friend, not your unpaid vendor.  She should not be expected to "help" at your wedding but just to enjoy it as a guest.  It's not her job to get the ring bearer and flower girl, act as a go-between (that's what a DOC is for), greet guests (that's what hosts should do and she isn't one), or any other "little things."

    Second, kids who are too young to get themselves up and down the aisle on their own without being carried or to understand what's being asked of them and remember it later are too young to be flower girls or ring bearers.  Yours are under 3, which is about the minimum age any kid should be asked to do these things.  Just take photos with your kids and they'll be "involved" enough, but let it go at that.
  • Am i correct with my math? You've been dating 4 months but only see each other on weekends. So you've met/hung out 16 times, total?

    Also do not ask your friend to do this.

    And her kid is 9 months old, and they met five months ago when the kid was four months old.
    you guys took the words right out of my brain...I was worried I was being overly judgey- glad I'm not the only one!
    pinkshorts27jenniferurs
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers





    Am i correct with my math? You've been dating 4 months but only see each other on weekends. So you've met/hung out 16 times, total?

    Also do not ask your friend to do this.


    And her kid is 9 months old, and they met five months ago when the kid was four months old.

    you guys took the words right out of my brain...I was worried I was being overly judgey- glad I'm not the only one!


    You know, I tried not to judge. FI and I got engaged after 5 months. However, I don't have a child to think about. And we lived 5 minutes away from each other. This is just...concerning.


    pinkshorts27jenniferursOliveOilsMom
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