So, I've been lurking for a few months, and these boards have been SO helpful. I've learned a lot, but still have more to learn... But. Something really nags me:
There seems to be a double standard when it comes to hosting-etiquette for the wedding party.
Examples:
1) Putting a dress code on invitations is rude, yet we find it perfectly acceptable to dictate what our wedding party wears. They are often the only ones -- aside from the groom-- in tuxedos, for example. Most of the time, they are expected to pay for it.
2) Gaps are rude for our guests, but the wedding party is often expected to stand around waiting for various preparatory things all day long
3) Not considering our guest's comfort with respect to environment (making them walk through mud, etc. to a ceremony site) or having enough seating and making them stand is a no-no, but wedding parties often have to stand around and pose for photos. I remember one time as BM I was made to stand outside while pictures were taken for 45 minutes in 35 degree weather with nothing but SPAGHETTI STRAPS on. We all were like that -- logistically, we were not given the opportunity to retrieve our coats first. This is an extreme example, but I do feel like wedding parties are "put out" a lot.
4) We don't approve of imposing "help" on our guests, but wedding party members are asked to usher, hand out programs, whatever, with impunity.
I'm sure you can think of more examples. This bothers me, because many knotties here are usually VERY perceptive of etiquette being applied equally and fairly, but I rarely hear any criticism of these practices for wedding parties. Some people may say that this is acceptable because those in the wedding party had the opportunity to decline. Yet, being in a wedding party is a position of honor. It should come without strings attached. Most people on the boards agree we shouldn't impose on our wedding party members not to get pregnant, get a tatoo, whatever, because it's their body their life. The bride and groom are honoring the wedding party by asking them to stand with them, not asking the wedding party to slave away for them.
So why the double standard with their comfort as guests? Are we not hosting them as well? This is a huge reason I have elected not to have a wedding party at all--I don't want to impose on the people closest to me. My FH is having a few people stand with him, but I would like us to pay for their attire, since we are suggesting that they wear tuxes/formalwear. To me this is the ONLY polite way to go about imposing a dress code on the wedding party. And even with that, I've told them they don't have to wear what we suggest, I'm just offering it, and I want them to be comfortable.
The funny thing is, I never once questioned these practices until I came to these boards and got schooled on etiquette! It just seems like an inconsistency to the otherwise fabulous advice given here.
I'm open to the possibility of a justifiable reason for the seeming double-standard, but I haven't heard it yet... was curious what your thoughts were.
Edited for clarity.