Are We Supposed to Initiate a Money Talk?

Sammyantha13 · March 2014

So I'm trying to figure out how to do this, or if we're even supposed to do this...FI and I are in complete agreement on our budget, how things should be paid for, all that. Wedding planning with him has been great so far! Our wedding is in October and we're getting to the point that we need to start making down payments for things like our florist, our rehearsal dinner location, his tux, etc.

My dad passed away a few summers ago and left me a pretty significant chunk of money. Don't get me wrong, I would rather have him be at our wedding than have any amount of money. But anyway, I will be using part of that money to pay for my master's degree which I am starting this summer. Even still, we would have enough money to pay for the entire wedding. However we don't want to use all of his money to pay for the wedding...we want to save some of it for future investments. So my mom won't be contributing anything on her own since technically this money is both hers and my dad's, which is fine.

FI and I are saving up so that we can contribute as well, as it should be. I've already put $5000 down myself as the deposit for our venue, but we plan on having at least that much saved up so we can pay for other things. But FI also wants to talk to his parents to see what they would contribute. He is their oldest son (out of two) and their darling good boy, so he says there is no way that they wouldn't help contribute. We've talked to them somewhat about wedding plans, I've texted his mom pictures of dresses I've tried on and asked her opinion on things, yet neither of them have made a move to talk to us about our budget. They are both very busy--his mom is working on getting into PA school and his dad has his own business and is super busy...so I have a feeling they just haven't thought to talk to us about it or are waiting for us to bring it up.

Of course neither of us really wants to have this talk....me especially since I am not their kid by blood...but FI is adamant that they would want to help out and we both think they should, however much or little that may be. So is this something we should discuss with them, or should I just let FI handle it? Is this something that would be appropriate to do over the phone or FaceTime? They live in CO and we live in LA, and we probably won't see them again until this summer or close to our wedding. Or is this just a complete no-no and we should not say anything at all unless they do?

doeydo · March 2014

Sammyantha13 said: "So I'm trying to figure out how to do this, or if we're even supposed to do this...FI and I are in complete agreement on our budget, how things should be paid for, all that. Wedding planning with him has been great so far! Our wedding is in October and we're getting to the point that we need to start making down payments for things like our florist, our rehearsal dinner location, his tux, etc.
My dad passed away a few summers ago and left me a pretty significant chunk of money. Don't get me wrong, I would rather have him be at our wedding than have any amount of money. But anyway, I will be using part of that money to pay for my master's degree which I am starting this summer. Even still, we would have enough money to pay for the entire wedding. However we don't want to use all of his money to pay for the wedding...we want to save some of it for future investments. So my mom won't be contributing anything on her own since technically this money is both hers and my dad's, which is fine.
FI and I are saving up so that we can contribute as well, as it should be. I've already put $5000 down myself as the deposit for our venue, but we plan on having at least that much saved up so we can pay for other things. But FI also wants to talk to his parents to see what they would contribute. He is their oldest son (out of two) and their darling good boy, so he says there is no way that they wouldn't help contribute. We've talked to them somewhat about wedding plans, I've texted his mom pictures of dresses I've tried on and asked her opinion on things, yet neither of them have made a move to talk to us about our budget. They are both very busy--his mom is working on getting into PA school and his dad has his own business and is super busy...so I have a feeling they just haven't thought to talk to us about it or are waiting for us to bring it up.
Of course neither of us really wants to have this talk....me especially since I am not their kid by blood...but FI is adamant that they would want to help out and we both think they should, however much or little that may be. So is this something we should discuss with them, or should I just let FI handle it? Is this something that would be appropriate to do over the phone or FaceTime? They live in CO and we live in LA, and we probably won't see them again until this summer or close to our wedding. Or is this just a complete no-no and we should not say anything at all unless they do?"

They are not obligated to pay for your wedding or to give you one cent. To ask them for money or have this 'talk' with them would be extremely rude, because asking for money is rude. If they bring it up and offer you two money, then you can accept it.

Edited because quoting sucks

CMGragain · March 2014

Sammyantha13 said:

So I'm trying to figure out how to do this, or if we're even supposed to do this...FI and I are in complete agreement on our budget, how things should be paid for, all that. Wedding planning with him has been great so far! Our wedding is in October and we're getting to the point that we need to start making down payments for things like our florist, our rehearsal dinner location, his tux, etc.

My dad passed away a few summers ago and left me a pretty significant chunk of money. Don't get me wrong, I would rather have him be at our wedding than have any amount of money. But anyway, I will be using part of that money to pay for my master's degree which I am starting this summer. Even still, we would have enough money to pay for the entire wedding. However we don't want to use all of his money to pay for the wedding...we want to save some of it for future investments. So my mom won't be contributing anything on her own since technically this money is both hers and my dad's, which is fine.

FI and I are saving up so that we can contribute as well, as it should be. I've already put $5000 down myself as the deposit for our venue, but we plan on having at least that much saved up so we can pay for other things. But FI also wants to talk to his parents to see what they would contribute. He is their oldest son (out of two) and their darling good boy, so he says there is no way that they wouldn't help contribute. We've talked to them somewhat about wedding plans, I've texted his mom pictures of dresses I've tried on and asked her opinion on things, yet neither of them have made a move to talk to us about our budget. They are both very busy--his mom is working on getting into PA school and his dad has his own business and is super busy...so I have a feeling they just haven't thought to talk to us about it or are waiting for us to bring it up.

Of course neither of us really wants to have this talk....me especially since I am not their kid by blood...but FI is adamant that they would want to help out and we both think they should, however much or little that may be. So is this something we should discuss with them, or should I just let FI handle it? Is this something that would be appropriate to do over the phone or FaceTime? They live in CO and we live in LA, and we probably won't see them again until this summer or close to our wedding. Or is this just a complete no-no and we should not say anything at all unless they do?

Your last sentence has it! No, you should not talk about money for your wedding to your FFILS. Unless they offer you money, you are on your own. Cut back on your plans to fit your budget. Why on earth would you even start to plan a wedding without knowing your budget? That is the first thing you need to do.

clcountry · March 2014

Sammyantha13 said:

FI is adamant that they would want to help out and we both think they should,

Stuck in box: The bolded just took my breath away. Under no circumstances should you initiate this conversation, especially not with this attitude.

MairePoppy · March 2014

If they want to give you money for the wedding, they will let you know. Don't bring it up. It hit a nerve with me, also, that you said, 'we both think they should.' You're both wrong.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

MairePoppy said:

If they want to give you money for the wedding, they will let you know. Don't bring it up. It hit a nerve with me, also, that you said, 'we both think they should.' You're both wrong.

We did not assume that either set of parents wanted to help. My parents made it very clear that they were interested in paying for the meal/venue. FI's dad has not offered to help and we are more than okay with that. We did not think either parent should help. I'm pretty sure if they are interested, they know they can and they will let you know!

JCbride2015 · March 2014

Wow, there is a lot of entitlement in that OP. You both think they should contribute to the wedding? Why on earth should they?

No, don't talk to them about money.

jerkyanne · March 2014

"He is their oldest son (out of two) and their darling good boy, so he says there is no way that they wouldn't help contribute."

This statement...I can't...

jerkyanne · March 2014

ETA: my phone is stupid and wanted to post twice. Bad phone.

McCMal · March 2014

I feel so relieved that someone asked this... I feel better reading the answers.

But I'm still curious, we have planned out our expenses, and we're good, but my mom has offered to pay for some things. Cool, makes things easier. Although, she wants to go to my dad and ask him if he would like to contribute (They are divorced). I don't know if I want her to do so, and I had obsessed over if it would be better for me to ask. Now I know I should not be asking him anything personally.

But is it rude of my mother to go to him and say "I am contributing X to their wedding, if you would like to help out these might be some ways to do so." I still feel a little iffy about that, even though it's not between my dad and I.

Not trying to be a SS, just unsure.

WildMagelet · March 2014

McCMal said:

I feel so relieved that someone asked this... I feel better reading the answers.
But I'm still curious, we have planned out our expenses, and we're good, but my mom has offered to pay for some things. Cool, makes things easier. Although, she wants to go to my dad and ask him if he would like to contribute (They are divorced). I don't know if I want her to do so, and I had obsessed over if it would be better for me to ask. Now I know I should not be asking him anything personally.
But is it rude of my mother to go to him and say "I am contributing X to their wedding, if you would like to help out these might be some ways to do so." I still feel a little iffy about that, even though it's not between my dad and I.
Not trying to be a SS, just unsure.

I would tell my mother that it is between my father and I and none of her business.

QueerFemme · March 2014

If they offer. Accept graciously. But don't ask. And you have no reason to assume that they "should" do anything. You are old enough to get married and old enough to pay for your wedding without assuming that anyone should pay for your choices.

Jells2dot0 · March 2014

So, PPs covered most of it. You should not ask for money, it's rude. It sounds like you have enough money to cover what you are planning, so that is good. However, if you want to have some money to invest, you should consider scaling back in an area or two. There are lots of ways to save money without diminishing your "look"or your ability to host your guests. In addition, while it's NOT okay to ask for money, there is nothing wrong with sitting with his parents and asking if there is any particular part of the planning that they would like to be more involved with. This isn't asking for money- it's asking if they have an interest in any given area. That may lead to a discuss about money. However, if they express interest in an area, even if it doesn't lead to money, you have to be prepared to have them be a part of that particular planning process.

edit- spelling

grumbledore · March 2014

clcountry said:

Sammyantha13 said:

FI is adamant that they would want to help out and we both think they should,

Stuck in box: The bolded just took my breath away. Under no circumstances should you initiate this conversation, especially not with this attitude.

This. No one "should" pay for your wedding except you and your FI, OP.

buddysmom80 · March 2014

This is how the budget should be handled for the wedding (well, this is what FI and I did):

1) figure out how much you and FI can contribute and plan your wedding from that approved budget.

2) live on a budget (HELLO TOP RAMEN j/k)

3) if anyone offers to contribute YAY but don't count on the money until it's in your hands.

Notice how we didn't ask anyone for money? Yeah, we didn't. People offered us money, but we've only seen about 1/3 of what we were promised, so we aren't even budgeting that contribution, if we get the money, great. If not, we can still have the wedding we want.

ei34 · March 2014

Ditto PPs. Don't bring up money/contributing to the wedding with your FILs. If they choose to contribute they'll tell you (or your FI).

Mkincaid2014 · March 2014

My future inlaws also didn't offer to contribute in the beginning. My parents offered a set contribution, and my fi and I planned our budget with that in mind and figured out our rate of savings. It was tough, but we prioritized where we wanted to spend our money and started saving for the wedding we wanted with a budget we could afford.

Several months later, my fi's grandmother sadly passed away and we went back to his hometown for the funeral. His parents asked him to go for a walk with them, and they told him they wanted to give us a wedding gift. It ended up being enough to cover our honeymoon and the rehearsal dinner, plus any last-minute expenses we hadn't planned for. We were surprised and extremely thankful for their generous gift.

You don't know if your inlaws are already thinking about giving you a financial gift (or have already decided that they can't/don't want to do it right now for whatever reason), so do not bring it up with them. You will hopefully have these people in your lives for a long time, and you both want to maintain a good relationship with them. If you don't want to blow all of your father's money on a wedding, that's a good excuse to scale things back.

crunchymamaof2 · March 2014

I'm sorry but that attitude is deplorable. This is your wedding so YOU pay for it. His parents are under no obligation to help you, and frankly, if I were them and caught wind of this post you can be you'd never receive as much as a penny from me ever again. If you don't want to pay that much, or feel you shouldn't have to, you need to plan a cheaper wedding. The fact that you've even planned any of it without intent to pay for much of it is insane.

I just can't......believe this...smh.

Sammyantha13 · March 2014

Thank you all for the replies. I'm sorry I struck a nerve with some of you with our attitude...maybe I am being naive but in my experience with seeing peers get married and so forth, the parents always want to help contribute, especially when it's their first born getting married. So I guess what I meant was that we both strongly feel that they'd want to help contribute. But I get it, we just won't say anything money-wise unless they come to us.

I do feel like if we carry on and just plan everything and pay for it all with my dad's money and our money, then FI's parents would probably feel a bit left out or insulted, especially his mom. FI is a MAJOR momma's boy, haha. So I like Jells2dot0's suggestion about asking them if there are any areas that they would like to be more involved in. I will talk to his mom about it. (Sorry, I don't know how to reply directly to specific people, haha.)

On that note, CMGragain, we do have our budget already set, sorry that wasn't clear. We've been sticking to it very well. We did splurge a little bit on our venue, but we are cutting costs other ways, like DIY'ing the centerpieces, I'm buying my wedding dress used, using coupons and Michael's/Target gift cards for supplies for the wedding, etc. So it will all be worth it in the end and if we end up having to pay for it entirely out of my dad's money, so be it, I'm sure we won't regret it.

melbelleup · March 2014

My FI initiated the cost with his parents. I knew from the beginning my parents wanted to pay for the meal/venue. My FI was just talking wedding plans with his parents though and they mentioned wanting to pay for the photographer and dj. We didn't expect or plan on them paying for it, but we were just talking about how we found the photographer and dj we wanted. They also wanted to pay for our rehearsal dinner, again they don't have to.

abbyj700 · March 2014

NEVER ask people for money. NEVER think because he's a "momma's boy" or "first born" that people are just waiting in the wings to give you money for something you are financially accountable for. If they want to offer - they will.

And seriously - who cares if you are first born or adopted? Or the last of 13. Does being the "first born" make him think he's special or something?

MairePoppy · March 2014

McCMal said:

I feel so relieved that someone asked this... I feel better reading the answers.
But I'm still curious, we have planned out our expenses, and we're good, but my mom has offered to pay for some things. Cool, makes things easier. Although, she wants to go to my dad and ask him if he would like to contribute (They are divorced). I don't know if I want her to do so, and I had obsessed over if it would be better for me to ask. Now I know I should not be asking him anything personally.
But is it rude of my mother to go to him and say "I am contributing X to their wedding, if you would like to help out these might be some ways to do so." I still feel a little iffy about that, even though it's not between my dad and I.
Not trying to be a SS, just unsure.

I agree that you should leave it up to your parents to work it out. Some exes have the type of relationship where they work out paying for big ticket items together. If your parents can manage that without causing a family feud, good for them.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

Sammyantha13 said: Thank you all for the replies. I'm sorry I struck a nerve with some of you with our attitude...maybe I am being naive but in my experience with seeing peers get married and so forth, the parents always want to help contribute, especially when it's their first born getting married. So I guess what I meant was that we both strongly feel that they'd want to help contribute. But I get it, we just won't say anything money-wise unless they come to us.
I do feel like if we carry on and just plan everything and pay for it all with my dad's money and our money, then FI's parents would probably feel a bit left out or insulted, especially his mom. FI is a MAJOR momma's boy, haha. So I like Jells2dot0's suggestion about asking them if there are any areas that they would like to be more involved in. I will talk to his mom about it. (Sorry, I don't know how to reply directly to specific people, haha.)
On that note, CMGragain, we do have our budget already set, sorry that wasn't clear. We've been sticking to it very well. We did splurge a little bit on our venue, but we are cutting costs other ways, like DIY'ing the centerpieces, I'm buying my wedding dress used, using coupons and Michael's/Target gift cards for supplies for the wedding, etc. So it will all be worth it in the end and if we end up having to pay for it entirely out of my dad's money, so be it, I'm sure we won't regret it.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

First bolded - if they want to that badly, they will offer. You can stop worrying and wondering about it, and don't bring it up. Nobody hangs around desperately waiting for someone to ask them for a few thousand dollars. Second bolded - nobody in their right mind feels insulted when they don't get asked to pay for something. Even if they don't "pay" for anything before hand and THEY WANT TO contribute, they can write a big check as a gift. Do not ask for it. It's not an honor to pay for things.

I assumed my mom would push me away at the cash register when it was time to pay for my dress, they way she did for my sister. She didn't. Turns out she had actually left the building, and hasn't mentioned a word about it since. Oh well, good thing I budgeted to pay for it myself.

*ETA - wth is up with the quote box?

Sammyantha13 · March 2014

Okay, abbyj700, I see your point. Yes you're right. I'm not trying to make my FI out to be a horrible person or anything.

I know I am not the first offender on this forum, and I do appreciate your responses and have taken them to heart. And with that I will just back away slowly now...haha.

MairePoppy · March 2014

@Sammyanthat13 Many brides have wrong assumptions because they have never planned a wedding before. It's great that you're taking our answers into consideration and not rejecting our advice because it's not what you want to hear. You're doing just fine.

See at the bottom of each posters response - there's a 'quote' button. Use it to copy and paste a post into your reply box.

zitiqueen · March 2014

Your FI is a major momma's boy? You're okay with that?

[Deleted User] · March 2014

@Sammyantha13 don't worry homeslice, sweetie and I blew up the boards here 3 times with etiquette questions. Thankfully we were able to avoid several embarassing mistakes with the help of everyone here.

A word of caution - I would avoid the pp suggestion to ask about "what areas they'd like to be involved in." That's just asking for money without asking for money, which is kind of passive aggressive. Or not even really passive, just aggressive. If people want to help, they will let you know. We've found that having zero expectations about help has made the process a lot more fun, since we have ultimate control over the decisions. When help was offered, we were very grateful, especially since we had already made the decisions on venue, location, religion, etc.

" So I like Jells2dot0's suggestion about asking them if there are any areas that they would like to be more involved in. I will talk to his mom about it."

Sammyantha13 · March 2014

zitiqueen said:

Your FI is a major momma's boy? You're okay with that?

Yes...I don't mean in a weird way. I mean they have so much pride for FI, and so do I, so it's perfectly fine. He was a member of Ohio State's marching band and dotted the 'I', which is a super big deal in the state of Ohio, haha. (Maybe there's another band geek out there who will understand what I mean...) Now he's an officer in the Air Force and has started a great career for himself. His dad was USAF too so they raised him to be very responsible, good with money, etc.

So when I say he's a momma's boy I mean she gushes about him to everyone and while he's very independent because of his upbringing, she still spoils the crap out of him whenever we visit or whenever she gets the opportunity. And since she doesn't have any daughters she has started treating me like her own and that is why I am certain she wants to be involved in the wedding stuff. My FIL's are good people all around and I love them a lot.

CMGragain · March 2014

I really question your choice of blowing so much of your father's bequest to a one day party (wedding). I am not a fan of big weddings. Mine was a simple cake and punch affair at our church. Perhaps you should re-think your plans?
My daughter's wedding was a larger affair, a morning church wedding followed by a brunch reception. We paid for her wedding, but her education is complete (Master's degree in education) and she already owned a house, which she bought on her own. Her FI's parents were not able to contribute, and no one questioned that. If we were not willing and able to pay for the wedding, daughter would have scaled back big time to cake and punch.
Think about scaling back your plans.

mbross3 · March 2014

I think it's fine to invite them to look at venues with you, or if you want to invite FMIL to go shopping (maybe to help her find a dress for the wedding?) these things are all fine. Technically, if they're not paying they don't get a say in venues, etc, but I know that some parents appreciate the offer of involvement, and I really don't think they'd interpret that as you asking for money...

happywiggle · March 2014

Sammyantha13 said:

Thank you all for the replies. I'm sorry I struck a nerve with some of you with our attitude...maybe I am being naive but in my experience with seeing peers get married and so forth, the parents always want to help contribute, especially when it's their first born getting married. So I guess what I meant was that we both strongly feel that they'd want to help contribute. But I get it, we just won't say anything money-wise unless they come to us.

I do feel like if we carry on and just plan everything and pay for it all with my dad's money and our money, then FI's parents would probably feel a bit left out or insulted, especially his mom. FI is a MAJOR momma's boy, haha. So I like Jells2dot0's suggestion about asking them if there are any areas that they would like to be more involved in. I will talk to his mom about it. (Sorry, I don't know how to reply directly to specific people, haha.)

On that note, CMGragain, we do have our budget already set, sorry that wasn't clear. We've been sticking to it very well. We did splurge a little bit on our venue, but we are cutting costs other ways, like DIY'ing the centerpieces, I'm buying my wedding dress used, using coupons and Michael's/Target gift cards for supplies for the wedding, etc. So it will all be worth it in the end and if we end up having to pay for it entirely out of my dad's money, so be it, I'm sure we won't regret it.

I was going to hold my tongue, but I can't on the bolded statement. Being the first born has nothing to do with this. I don't even SPEAK to my parents, and I'm the first born in my generation for my family. My FI is also the first born for his family. We're not planning on nor expecting a penny from his side, and there's no way my side even knows where I am at the moment, let alone that I am getting married... Back to my point, never assume they WANT to contribute because their first born is getting married. That means squat until the money is in your hand.

Edit because I posted before I finished the thread: Kudos to OP for taking the PPs advice!!

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