Wedding Etiquette Forum

Plus One - What's in a name?

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Re: Plus One - What's in a name?

  • @grumbledore-sorry quoting won't work on my cell

    I am not trying to trivialize any relationship. The FB reference is because that is how a lot of younger people formalize a relationship. The problem comes from finding out if two people are casually dating or are a couple. A newer relationship might not be ready for a names invite and that isn't necessarily a bride's business.

    Also if a guy or girl refuses to let a new SO meet his or her friends that live close by and they have been together for more than a couple of months there is something wrong.

    While you are right people get married in 4 months, I think that is the exception rather than the norm. 4 months is a reasonable amount of time to start dating, commit to the relationship and meet each other's friends . That's just based on my experiences. Again, a bride cannot decide whether someone has a BF or GF. Also there are people that decide they have a BF or GF within a week. How should be expected to know about that?
  • Hahaha, I had the exact same problem! Eventually I just looked at his friends on facebook and contacted them directly myself and just explained that the fiancé was stubborn and forgetful. They all know how he is, so it worked out just fine.

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  • You can always ask them and I wasn't implying you cannot. However after having been asked repeatedly if I was dating someone for Wedding invites, it gets a little old and can be embarrassing to repeatedly say no. Or if a relationship is in that weird stage, it can be intrusive. I am a pretty private person and would rather that be respected.
  • You can always ask them and I wasn't implying you cannot. However after having been asked repeatedly if I was dating someone for Wedding invites, it gets a little old and can be embarrassing to repeatedly say no. Or if a relationship is in that weird stage, it can be intrusive. I am a pretty private person and would rather that be respected.
    Oh ffs, please do not use your own weird issues to explain away the very bad advice you gave.  If you don't know if your friend/relative is seeing someone, you ask.  If you know they are but you don't know the person's name, you ask.

    Presumably we are all adults here and should be capable asking simple questions to people we know well enough to invite them to our weddings.  Come on.

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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    It's not hard to call people! Whenever my fiance and I were stuck on a particular invitee, he would call and ask. He'd then ask for the spelling of his/her name. 

    Do people realize we no longer communicate with smoke signals or sending doves?

    I'd really like to start communicating with owls.

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    My bird talks. That counts, right?
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    HisGirlFriday13KeptInStitchesmiaawallace
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I had gone to 2 weddings with my now FI before I even met his family. (We met each others parents right around the 4 month mark). One of the weddings, he had already sent back the response card before we were seriously seeing each other, but the groom said he was welcome to bring me. 

    Also, my FI is not on Facebook, and I didn't change my relationship status until we had been dating for 6 months. Facebook is not the be all end all of relationships.
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    HisGirlFriday13
  • laurynm84 said:
    I had gone to 2 weddings with my now FI before I even met his family. (We met each others parents right around the 4 month mark). One of the weddings, he had already sent back the response card before we were seriously seeing each other, but the groom said he was welcome to bring me. 

    Also, my FI is not on Facebook, and I didn't change my relationship status until we had been dating for 6 months. Facebook is not the be all end all of relationships.
    My sister didn't change her relationship status until she was engaged. She had no relationship status listed for the 2 years they were together prior to the engagement.

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    grumbledoreluckysnorkel
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @tesgirl123- Everything Phira said! You ASK. 

    To the OP- please get all SO's names- even if it's awkward. A text or e-mail asking what someone's last name is, or the spelling, is A-OK and not really awkward at all. 

    As an example, my DH and I dated for MANY years prior to becoming engaged then married, and were long distance for 7 years as he moved away for school. I eventually moved to be with him and happened to do so the summer when two of his friends were getting married. They invited me to their wedding, but I had never met either of them- never talked to them. They e-mailed DH and asked what my full name was and how to spell it- it was not awkward at all and very appreciated. Now they too are good friends of mine. 

    One of the highest forms of respect is to address someone by their name. Since we are talking about an invitation, last name follows with that.

    Please don't use "John and Guest" because that implies that John may invite anyone he chooses- whether it be Sally, his mom, or his rowdy college roommate Jeff (who maybe you don't want coming ;) ). 

    If it is addressed to John Doe and Sally Smith, then the invite is only for the two of them and if John does not wish for Sally to attend, or she cannot, then John can accept for only himself. 
  • Please do not Facebook stalk to get names. It's best to call, text or email asking for the full name. I know someone who did FB stalk and ended up embarrassed because several people did not have their real names listed.

     

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  • Not all relationship statuses are on FB. DH and I didn't HAVE FB relationship statuses until we were engaged.

    But otherwise, yes. You do basic research -- FB or family or you call them or whatever.

    Also, if you know so little about these people, why are they invited to your wedding?
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I had to remind H several times to get the last names of guests on his side, mostly because they were people I didn't have FB/phone access to. But the real trouble we encountered were with his cousins on his mom's side (there's three). He had no idea if two were seeing anyone (one was engaged and we had met her FI) so I asked his mom to call and ask if they were seeing someone and what their names were. She told me they weren't seeing anyone so we gave them both plus ones. We found out after they RSVPed that they were both in relationships. I felt so mortified. Luckily I saw them a few weeks after the invitations went out and apologized and got their SOs names.

    Also I know a lot of people that changed their last names after they got married but didn't change it on FB (I am one of those people) so anyone we weren't 100% sure about we asked.
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I've actually asked people, "Are you still Joan Lastname, or are you Joan Otherlast name? Do you prefer Ms or Mrs?" But it's only been when I've needed to ask because I'm addressing mail to them, stuff like that (not just a conversation starter).
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  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wasn't in any sort of "relationship" on FB until about a month after I got engaged. At that point, we had dated for nearly three years. So would I have been left out of your wedding?!
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  • I might be in the minority, but if you haven't met your FI's friends' GFs and they live reasonably close by, then it is okay to put "and guest" on the invite, because to me, that means that their relationship is pretty new.   Also if its not official on facebook, and these people are fairly young,  there is no reason to know her name.

    However, if they have been together for more than 4 months, and the friend has repeatedly called her his GF (or BF) you have to put their name down.   


    Yeah...ummm...no. You don't get to decide if Facebook status or time is the measure of someone's relationship. Just call them. FI were together for 3 months when we decided to move in together. Guess we weren't significant until that old clock rolled to month 4 huh? 
  • Just want to add.. FI (then BF) and I weren't in a FB relationship until 2 MONTHS after we were living together.  We just kind of grouped being FB official under, "things we don't give a fuck about", as we knew where our relationship stood.
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Up until July 2009, FI wasn't on Facebook. And one of my closest girlfriends and I listed each other in our relationship status, so yea, social media would have been useless in finding out information about me. He had I had been dating for over 7 years by that point, so I'd have been pissed if we weren't invited to things together.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • As friends of DF have found and then spelled my all kinds of crazy first and last names correctly, and my friends have spelled his crazy last name correctly (tho it usually takes three calls and two emails) - get the names.

    And spell the names correctly. Yes, mine is about eight ways of awful, but I didn't pick it and I rather like it now. Be glad I outgrew my nickname, that looked nothing like it was pronounced apparently.
  • Update:  I have tried in vein to get the names of the girlfriends, some first and last names, some just last names, let alone the spellings.   My FI does not think they need to have the correct names on them, and unfortunately during an outing with friends this weekend, our friends agreed with HIM when I brought it up thinking I'd get help from them.

    I've tried searching the internet, white pages, and facebook, whatever.   Nothing.   I'm calling it.  This is a dead topic and one I'm not going to get into a serious fight with FI over.  They're his friends, if it comes back to me they cared about it, I will gladly hand them over my FI.   Short of hustling his phone away from him to get the contacts and numbers (which I will not do), I'm out of options.  
  • LakeR2014 said:
    Update:  I have tried in vein to get the names of the girlfriends, some first and last names, some just last names, let alone the spellings.   My FI does not think they need to have the correct names on them, and unfortunately during an outing with friends this weekend, our friends agreed with HIM when I brought it up thinking I'd get help from them.

    I've tried searching the internet, white pages, and facebook, whatever.   Nothing.   I'm calling it.  This is a dead topic and one I'm not going to get into a serious fight with FI over.  They're his friends, if it comes back to me they cared about it, I will gladly hand them over my FI.   Short of hustling his phone away from him to get the contacts and numbers (which I will not do), I'm out of options.  
    Take the phone and call them.  He is being ridiculous.  This is not rocket science.  FFS.

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  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sounds like we're marrying the same person. My partner used Google Maps Street View to get some addresses instead of asking because he thought asking was too weird.



    This post had me seriously cracking up. That so sounds like something my FI would do!
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  • While on-balance, I agree with @grumbledore, I see where you're coming from, too.

    I would say to my FI, 'OK, so since names don't matter, I'm going to start calling you 'FI' all the time. And I'm going to address all the cards 'FI's Friend' and 'FI's Friend's GF.''

    Because he's honest-to-God being fucking ridiculous about this.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    InkdancerrajahmdgrumbledoreHeatherKat
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