Guest etiquette

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

wamboy said:
@HisGirlFriday13 You have as of yet to establish any basis for your opinion that it is rude to set a theme for your wedding. No People all over the world do it and people oblige. Only American's think that their rights are more than anyone elses. Speak to anyone you would like and they would tell you I am the least rude, Bride-zilla, or temperamental person about my wedding. My vendors know the theme and have free reign otherwise. I don't micromanage. But you can't keep telling me I am rude when you haven't established a basis other than your opinion. Manners and etiquette are all based on opinion of accepted practices. If I go to a wedding with a rustic theme, I dress appropriately and most people do, however there are always a few who don't.
@DragonBlood13 Yes we have a dress code. Unfortunately, where I live people think it is acceptable to wear flip flops and board shorts to an evening opera or Broadway show. BTW, for those of you so concerned about manners, it isn't. There is nothing wrong with setting a guideline, there is a lot of leeway in there, for us to say this is a rustic style wedding, we are encouraging cowboy boots and jeans with cowboy hats and button down shirts is not a big deal. Especially when our wedding is very small with only friends and family (<50)
If the people I am telling this too don't think it is rude, who the hell are you to tell ALL of us it is. Opinions are like certain body parts, and some people expose theirs unwelcomed and inappropriately.

If you could learn basic grammar, that would be great.

I didn't say you couldn't have a theme. What I said was you can't tell people how to dress outside of white or black tie, which your wedding is not.

Why you fail to grasp this very simple concept is beyond me. So I will try again to explain it, this time using smaller words and less complex thoughts.

You invite your friends and family to your wedding.
They are your guests.
They are not your props.
You may not tell grown adults how to dress.
If you want to dress a bunch of adults in matching attire, volunteer to do costumes for a summer stock theatre.
It is rude to tell people that you prefer how they look to their actual presence, which is what you're doing by telling your uncle not to wear his kilt.
It is rude to make people adhere to a theme in dressing.

And, btw, if you pick up any etiquette book by Miss Manners, everything I've told you is in there. You will find that MM is generally considered the final authority on these boards.

kmmssg · March 2014

Emily Post has completely violated anything her great grandmother ever established. She is a joke.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

wamboy said:
@banana468 Yes broads, it is actually a derogatory term for opinionated women with nothing to actually say. Yes chicks, because they cluck like hens, with nothing to say.

You have yet to prove this as an established social rule and on what basis. Just because you say it is doesn't make it so.

Explain how I am talking out of both sides of my mouth? If our wedding is a theme and we are encouraging people to wear a certain attire, not everyone will, but I have one family member who tends toward being unruly and not wanting to behave I have no issue with saying directly to them, please don't wear this it isn't appropriate to this event. I think it's stupid I have to tell a grown man that a kilt and motorcycle boots and a hawaiian shirt aren't appropriate attire to ANYONE'S wedding.

I believe the bolded was a violation of a TOS none of us resorted to name calling just merely pointed out where you were breaking ettiquet and again you can disagree all you want but that doesn't make you right. You are the one treating your uncle like a child and being condescending. There is nothing wrong with themes but there is something wrong with dictating to your guests what to wear. Again your wedding will not be ruined if people choose what they feel is appropriate.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

Also I may add that out of the ladies here I'm pretty lax when it comes to friends ettiquet violations unless it is something that is blatantly rude and bridezilla-esque to the people you are supposed to love and are supposed to be there for you.

jerkyanne · March 2014

telling people how to dress is much more Victorian than giving your guests freedom to be themselves.

phira · March 2014

@wamboy I don't think you really understand this very simple concept: You do not get to dictate what your guests wear to your wedding. Full stop. Period. End.

You don't get to have a certain "look" for your wedding.

You don't get to make everyone wear a costume.

You don't get to decide who's wearing a kilt because they're Scottish and who's wearing one because they like to wear kilts.

You don't get to tell your guests to wear any particular item of clothing, or to NOT wear any particular item of clothing.

You don't get to write, "Formal attire" on an invitation.

You don't get to write, "Semi-formal attire" on a website.

You don't get to tell your guests what to wear or what not to wear.

NYCBruin · March 2014

wamboy said:

@HisGirlFriday13 Here is post from your Miss Manners and she does not say setting a dress code is rude, only asking people to match a color theme, which we are not doing.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-guests-are-not-required-to-dress-for-theme-wedding/2013/07/18/4799c9e4-eff6-11e2-a1f9-ea873b7e0424_story.html
Read everything before your speak, lesson learned I hope.

Where exactly does Miss Manners say here that setting a dress code is not rude? Oh right, she doesn't.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

No, we just gave up arguing with a troll who wants to be rude. You want to be rude, we get it.

You have a tenuous grasp of etiquette, and a clear inability to read or reason.

I work in politics. I get enough frustration in my day job.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

I vote that we stop feeding into the silliness! Pure and simple if someone invited you to an event and then made some reduculous demand on dress where you had to go out and spend money you wouldn't have normally spent on an outfit you'd probubly never wear again and aren't even bridal party, you mean to tell me you wouldn't find it offensive???

NYCBruin · March 2014

wamboy said:

@NYCBruin She doesn't say it is either! Just because she doesn't say its not rude doesn't make it rude. You can't have it both ways. Either its rude because she says it is, or its not rude because she says its not. You can't have it be rude because she says it and because she doesn't say it. What she does say is that its rude to ask people to dress in specific colors. Nothing about the dress code and there are FAR more acceptable dress codes than saying nothing or only white or black tie.

So just to be clear, your argument is that because in ONE column written by Miss Manners that did not ask whether specifying a dress code on an invitation is rude that she must think that specifying a dress code is not rude?

If you really think that's an actual argument, then I don't know why I'm wasting my time attempting to reason with you.

NYCBruin · March 2014

wamboy said:

@NYCBruin Not what I said I actually posted 3 other columns. Read, digest, think, then speak. Usually works out best for people that way.

Nice attempt at deflecting, but others have explained why those sources are rubbish. And you didn't answer my question regarding your argument relating to Miss Manners.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

Opinions are like buttholes: everyone has one, and most of them stink.

bethangel2332 · March 2014

As someone who has swallowed her foot here on the boards before, I must admit telling anyone how to dress for a wedding that is not black tie or white tie is rude! I have learned may things while lurking on these boards that I should have done more of.

I have grown to trust the many ladies on this site to not only give honest(and blunt) answers, no one will try and lead you down the wrong path.

I have a lighthouse themed wedding, do I want my guest to show up dressed as keepers, no although I would laugh and make sure I get a good framed photo. If people come in more of a summery dress or stained jeans I wouldn't care. I love the people I'm inviting and some of those people hate to wear anything dressy.

I on the other hand as a LARPer, I'm used to wearing period clothing to pj's and pigtails. What matters to me is making sure my guest have fun, have good food, and company!!

PS I would love it if any of my Scottish family or Irish friends would show up in formal kilt wear as the only thing better in my opinion is a man in uniform!!

Edit: As my brain is tired and typing is beyond me at this point.

cruffino · March 2014

I love how @wamboy doesn't want her uncle to wear a kilt but she's encouraging bolo ties. What a gem.

Inkdancer · March 2014

"DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a wedding, is it rude to indicate a preferred color of dress? Is it rude to do so on the invitation or on a card sent with the invitation — by saying, “The wedding is fall themed, please favor colors such as red, orange, and yellow”?

I’m just looking to provide helpful suggestions if people want to match the wedding’s theme. I’ve never had to write wedding invites before, and I really want to avoid being rude about it. The colors wouldn’t be a requirement or something like that — people can wear what they want as long as it’s something nice.

Archive

GENTLE READER: This is going to come as a shock, but wedding guests are not interested in matching the theme colors of a wedding. They just want to look good, preferably without incurring expense.

If you asked them the next day what the theme colors were, Miss Manners doubts that many would be able to say much beyond, “I think the bridesmaids had some sort of purplish-pink dresses. But maybe they were more blue-greenish. Anyway, the bride wore white.”

Brides, however, have become convinced that a themed color scheme is of vital importance, and that they should have dictatorial powers over the wardrobes of the wedding party, without regard to the tastes or budgets of those concerned. Miss Manners has not met with much success in attempting to persuade them that the bridesmaids need not look like a chorus line.

Please do not even suggest that the guests match the decor. They are people, not props."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-guests-are-not-required-to-dress-for-theme-wedding/2013/07/18/4799c9e4-eff6-11e2-a1f9-ea873b7e0424_story.html

Looks like Miss Manners does not think it is acceptable to tell your guests what to wear or what not to wear.

chibiyui · March 2014

cruffino said:
I love how @wamboy doesn't want her uncle to wear a kilt but she's encouraging bolo ties. What a gem.

I am most intrigued by how "cowboy boots" are appropriate attire, yet a utlikilt is not. Both are work wear, made to endure physical labor, no?

NYCBruin · March 2014

wamboy said:

@lnkdancer OMG I posted that genius! And read it carefully, she is talking about asking people to wear specific colors ... Jesus where did you people get your reading comprehension skills. We are not asking people to do that ... my 5 year old niece would comprehend faster than this. "COLOR THEME" "COLOR THEME" "COLOR THEME" must be in that posting that I posted half a dozen times. Christ!

I'm sorry, but how on earth is telling people to dress a certain way to match your "theme" not treating them like props? Asking people to wear a specific color is no different than asking them to dress in a particular style.

cruffino · March 2014

wamboy said:
@Amyzen83 Our request does not require a single person to buy a single new thing. Read slowly ... "Our wedding has a rustic theme. We encourage the following type of dress: jeans, button down shirts, day dresses. Bolo ties, cowboy boots, cowboy hats, and sport coats optional." You think a single person doesn't own a pair of jean a button down shirt or a day dress?! Be reasonable

Wait, I thought the problem with the kilt was that it was too informal. But jeans are ok?

Inkdancer · March 2014

I am aware that you posted it. That is why I also posted it--because it seems that you have not comprehended what you read. Her argument for why a color scheme is unacceptable is the same reason that telling someone not to wear a kilt is unacceptable: they are people, not props. You do not get to tell any guest what to wear.

bethangel2332 · March 2014

wamboy said: @bethangel2332 OMG, no one in my family is Scottish or Irish! We are German and Native American for God's sake! If my uncle would do the formal kilt I would be fine with it, but he won't ... so no! While you may trust others opinions as fact and on face value I don't. Show me proof, if you can't, it's an opinion. That is all! Additionally, there are a wide variety of acceptable dress codes other than black or white tie, who told you people those were the only two dress codes?! And why the hell would you take someone's word for it without checking it out yourself?! Geez! I never said I never check it out, many ladies on here provider multiple sites, links, and I also did my own searches. Like many have pointed out there is no such thing as black tie optional. It is or isn't and many folks have been trapped by this. On a wedding web site many people will list a "suggested" option for guests. Invites are another hint as to how formal a wedding will be, and again as previously stated if you venue has limitations on dress code or a church.

I myself have been to weddings that said it was formal got dressed up and shown up everyone is in jeans. Okay I will give your uncle is not Irish or Scottish fine, but if you feel that uncomfortable with him why invite him? Again I will have guests that will show up in ripped jeans, stained shirts, and other garb. I won't care, will some drink more then they should and get rowdy you bet. Half my family have no filter when they speak, same with FI family. I have to love them for who they are not what they wear for a "themed" wedding or not.

Edit: Again brain has checked out for the night.

cruffino · March 2014

wamboy said:
@cruffino You have a hard time comprehending English? Do I type with an accent? I am ok with the kilt as long as he wouldn't wear it with a hawaiian shirt or t shirt ... Jesus I think the wall understood that better.

But what if he complemented the Hawaiian shirt with a bolo tie? Surely that would fit your "rustic" theme.

chibiyui · March 2014

wamboy said:
@chibiyui I AM OK WITH THE KILT!!!!!! (I am hoping if I shout someone will understand it) I am not ok with wearing it with a t-shirt or Hawaiian shirt. As my uncle doesn't want to dress it up in some way, then he can stick with the theme or not come. Apparently most of you would break guests etiquette to suit yourselves because it is recommended that guest do some digging about what is appropriate attire to the wedding not whatever the hell you want.

Honey, I hate to tell ya, but if jeans are appropriate, hawaiian shirts are totes appropriate.

NYCBruin · March 2014

wamboy said:

@cruffino Are you dimwitted? Stupid? Ignorant? Just an asshole? God I feel sorry for the people in your life, my dog is smarter than this.

cruffino · March 2014

wamboy said:
@cruffino Are you dimwitted? Stupid? Ignorant? Just an asshole? God I feel sorry for the people in your life, my dog is smarter than this.

I feel sorry for your dog.

jdluvr06 · March 2014

OP I say wear the kilt. It unacceptable to try and set a dress code for a wedding or any party. Adults are not props or school kids, they can wear what they want. Honestly if I got a wedding invite that had a dress code I either wouldn't go or I'd wear the exact opposite of the dress code. Invite says to wear pastels? I'd wear black.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

wamboy said:

@cruffino Are you dimwitted? Stupid? Ignorant? Just an asshole? God I feel sorry for the people in your life, my dog is smarter than this.

KnotPorscha there is some major TOC violating up in here!

Amyzen83 · March 2014

wamboy not one of us called you a single name although I've been majorly biting my tongue to prevent myself from saying something, but you are the one twisting around what Miss Manners has been writing and you are now resorting to immature name calling! TWICE! You have even admitted that you meant to be derogatory! That just will not fly here! You can go back to Wedding Bee or WeddingWire which ever bridge you happen to live under.

jdluvr06 · March 2014

I don't know if this person is a troll or not but I simply cannot take anyone who doesn't recognize The Princess Bride seriously.

cruffino · March 2014

wamboy said:
@cruffino I would if I were you too, he's smarter than you so he can comprehend that there are people that stupid in the world and it makes him sad.
@jdluvr06 In your opinion! My God everyone thinks they rule the world. There is dress code for all sorts of things including church and work and school. Jesus unbelievable people who think such things propagate.

Maybe he'll feel better if you replace his collar with a bolo tie. I hate a sad puppy.

jdluvr06 · March 2014

@wamboy I would love for you to name one actual church that has a dress code. I dare you. I study religion for a living and it is pretty universal that churches will accept anyone as is.

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