ring inheritance squabble

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

Okay, my grandmother just passed away and before she died, she bequeathed to me her diamond wedding ring since I am the first grandchild to get married (this April) and she thought that a young person should have it. (she did not physically give it to me, though) My aunts (her daughters) are in agreement and have said that if it had fallen to them, they would give it to me because (as my aunt put it) It's silly for a "bunch of old ladies to want a girlish engagement ring". They also have inherited other jewelry pieces over the years and do not feel they were passed over. My grandfather is not sure about giving it to me. He's one of those people that chooses favorites, and I'm not his favorite grandchild. Probably just because my family lived far away for much of my childhood. He is a very demanding person, always wanting you to wait on him and give him your undivided attention. I was more close with my grandmother who was happy for me to just sit and talk with her at length, as opposed to having some unmet expectation of me. I really enjoy talking with the elderly, so that was kindof our thing, I guess. Her mother was the same way, and I had the pleasure of knowing her until she died at 95 when I as 9 or 10.

Anyway... Back to the ring. There was no will, but it was understood by all that she was going to give it to me before the wedding whether she was present for it or not. I am still dealing with the realization of the fact that she has died very suddenly and so close to my wedding, and it's a very sad time for me and the rest of the family. She did not like morbid displays and would not want us to be unhappy, and would hate it if I did some kind of "in memory of" thing on the day of the wedding. She'd probably say I was turning my wedding into a wake... typical Barbara.

Of course my younger female cousins want it. I don't blame them. It's a very extravagant piece. However, if it does not go to the oldest daughter, it makes sense for it to go to the oldest granddaughter (who is also getting married soon? None of the other girls even have boyfriends). If it did not, it would be just to spite me because my second to oldest cousin is grandpa's favorite. There is so much other jewelry they could inherit. This is an engagement ring. I really want to wear it for the wedding because I feel it would connect me to their luck and successful marriage through some kind of superstitious juju something or other. Stupid, I know... I'm a real pushover, so if it does go to someone else, I don't know how I would respond and would likely just be like "oh... okay" and move on. Grandpa might even do something weird and hock it and donate the proceeds to charity or something terrible. It bothers me that what she wanted was never written down. I never thought this would be a problem. All year she has been talking about how I will have the ring and everyone has heard her say it. I didn't think it was up for debate so never worried about it.

Should I just let this go to avoid looking grabby? It's currently in my mother's possession because grandma gave it to her while she was in the hospital for safekeeping. She was not coherent at this time due to brain damage following a heart attack and stroke. She died soon after. I'm heartbroken about my grandmother, and I don't want to fight with anyone over a ring. As nice as it is, it's just a thing. Is this the right plan of action or should I be less diplomatic? I'm always Switzerland in family disputes, only this situation places me in a less neutral position.

pumpkinsandturkeys · March 2014

This is a tough one, but as her husband, your grandfather gets a say over her estate if there was no will (I also find it very odd that she did not have one).

At the end of the day, it is just a ring. It will be upsetting if he doesn't give it to you, but it's really not worth the drama and heartache to fight over it.

I also want to note that if he wants to sell it and give the money to charity, that's his prerogative (and really, charitable contributions aren't a bad thing). That might actually make the whole thing easier on everyone if no one gets it, and a donation is made in her memory.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

It's a family heirloom, so selling it (no matter what happens to the proceeds) would be pretty terrible. There is other, less meaningful jewelry he could donate. It would be better to me if my cousin got it than if it left the family. The ring is worth less than it's sentimental value. The diamonds are large but they are not modern brilliant cut.

sarahufl · March 2014

I am sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, this is why wills are so important. People get ugly when they have to decide who gets what.

What about asking whoever DOES get the ring if you can wear it for your wedding, so your grandmother is with you on that day? I know you want to keep it, but even if you can't keep it, maybe you can wear it that day.

StephJean83 · March 2014

My grandma passed almost 12 years ago, she had an elaborate music box collection. As a child, I collected dolls and my grandma had 2 boxes that had dolls attached. She made it known I was to have both doll boxes, in the end I have one. I understand the whole wanting a small piece of her with you, especially losing her so close to your wedding day. Maybe you could ask your grandpa for a piece of her jewelry to wear on your wedding day. He might surprise you and offer you the engagement ring.

FWIW, I am getting married on my grandparents anniversary. They were married for 54 years when my grandpa passed and six months later my grandma joined him. We looked at dates of my FH's grandparents, however the anniversary of his paternal grandparents fell on the Friday before opening day of deer season and is the date his maternal grandma passed.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is very hard for you. If your aunts are in agreement, can they pressure their father, your grandfather, to do what your grandmother would have wanted.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

I'm okay with inheriting nothing. My grandmother on my dad's side is a very mean lady, and to be honest, I want none of her possessions because I feel they would pass on bad energy or something. Usually I'm not superstitious but I am about inheritance and weddings. She sometimes writes me out of the will if she takes too much oxy and gets pissed off at me for some unknown infraction. Then she decides she likes me again and writes me back in. I don't know if she ever writes me out in the first place... only she does tell me she has. She's been very unpredictable as long as I can remember. I'm her only granddaughter, but that doesn't mean much to her. I still make sure to bring her meals a few days a week because I know she's not much into cooking anymore.

My maternal grandmother was a much kinder person, so I have positive associations with her and feel those associations would be passed through to any inherited item. I would feel indignant if I did not get that specific ring since she was very explicit that I should have it. However, I am not the kind of person to fight over objects. I do not place such high value on posessions -- only the sentimental value of things. I might not be able to look my cousin in the eye if I see her wearing it, though. I worry if this is because maybe I'm more materialistic than I think I am...or maybe it's just because she knows the ring was for me and it's a breech of trust. We have always been close. She is also a bridesmaid. If she gets it, I hope she has the good taste not to wear it to my wedding.

phira · March 2014

First of all, I'm really sorry that your grandmother has passed away. That's tough enough as it is.

Second of all, I would not consider you an asshole for pushing for the ring that was meant for you anyway. I know it can be REALLY hard if you're always trying to be neutral in family relationships to stand up and say, "I am not actually neutral about this situation."

Since 1) it sounds like a LOT of important family members are entirely aware that you are supposed to inherit the ring, and 2) your own mother is in possession of the ring, I would honestly talk to your mom about it. There's no reason it has to go back to your grandfather's possession.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

I don't think it would be wrong to approach your grandfather and say "Grandma always told me she wanted to give me her engagement ring. She said this in front of other people too, including x, y, and z (your aunts). So with your blessing, could I have her ring? It would mean a lot to me to have a piece of her jewelry that I can wear daily and tie your long & happy marriage to my own upcoming marriage." It's straight forward, doesn't make you look greedy. If your grandfather says no. Then I would let it go, as difficult as that might be.

photokitty · March 2014

If you mother has the ring what makes your hunk that your grandfather wants it back. Possession is 9/10th of the law my mama always says…she gave it to you and then to your mom.

Unless grandpa asks for it back I think it is a moot point. If he asks for it then I would tell him what it means to you and that grandma said she wanted you to have it.

I don't think you getting married first has any baring not he situation. I think the fact that she told you she wanted you to have it is the point. I would not bring up favorites or anything like that. Talk about emotions, meaning and love.

How do you know your cousin wants it? Did she ask for it? She might not even like it. Choose your words carefully bc it is easy to read the tension between you and your cousins and the resentment you have about not being your grandpa's favorite - all of which are understandable, but won't help with the situation.

GL!

ETA Don't forget about any male cousins. A grandson might want to use his grandmother's ring just as such as any granddaughters. Even though I'm a girl, I don't understand why women think they should get to split up the jewelry without regard to the men. NOT saying you are doing that OP

mrshutzler said:

Okay, my grandmother just passed away and before she died, she bequeathed to me her diamond wedding ring since I am the first grandchild to get married (this April) and she thought that a young person should have it. (she did not physically give it to me, though) My aunts (her daughters) are in agreement and have said that if it had fallen to them, they would give it to me because (as my aunt put it) It's silly for a "bunch of old ladies to want a girlish engagement ring". They also have inherited other jewelry pieces over the years and do not feel they were passed over. My grandfather is not sure about giving it to me. He's one of those people that chooses favorites, and I'm not his favorite grandchild. Probably just because my family lived far away for much of my childhood. He is a very demanding person, always wanting you to wait on him and give him your undivided attention. I was more close with my grandmother who was happy for me to just sit and talk with her at length, as opposed to having some unmet expectation of me. I really enjoy talking with the elderly, so that was kindof our thing, I guess. Her mother was the same way, and I had the pleasure of knowing her until she died at 95 when I as 9 or 10.

Anyway... Back to the ring. There was no will, but it was understood by all that she was going to give it to me before the wedding whether she was present for it or not. I am still dealing with the realization of the fact that she has died very suddenly and so close to my wedding, and it's a very sad time for me and the rest of the family. She did not like morbid displays and would not want us to be unhappy, and would hate it if I did some kind of "in memory of" thing on the day of the wedding. She'd probably say I was turning my wedding into a wake... typical Barbara.

Of course my younger female cousins want it. I don't blame them. It's a very extravagant piece. However, if it does not go to the oldest daughter, it makes sense for it to go to the oldest granddaughter (who is also getting married soon? None of the other girls even have boyfriends). If it did not, it would be just to spite me because my second to oldest cousin is grandpa's favorite. There is so much other jewelry they could inherit. This is an engagement ring. I really want to wear it for the wedding because I feel it would connect me to their luck and successful marriage through some kind of superstitious juju something or other. Stupid, I know... I'm a real pushover, so if it does go to someone else, I don't know how I would respond and would likely just be like "oh... okay" and move on. Grandpa might even do something weird and hock it and donate the proceeds to charity or something terrible. It bothers me that what she wanted was never written down. I never thought this would be a problem. All year she has been talking about how I will have the ring and everyone has heard her say it. I didn't think it was up for debate so never worried about it.

Should I just let this go to avoid looking grabby? It's currently in my mother's possession because grandma gave it to her while she was in the hospital for safekeeping. She was not coherent at this time due to brain damage following a heart attack and stroke. She died soon after. I'm heartbroken about my grandmother, and I don't want to fight with anyone over a ring. As nice as it is, it's just a thing. Is this the right plan of action or should I be less diplomatic? I'm always Switzerland in family disputes, only this situation places me in a less neutral position.

cowgirl8238 · March 2014

Personally I woudln't say anything as long as your mom has the ring and your grandfather isn't pressuring to get it back. Maybe your grandma gave it to your mom as a secret, to avoid your grandfather knowing and to ensure you get it. Honeslty, I agree that if he pushes the issue I would remain firm on the feelings you have attached to the ring but keep favoritism ou of it.

Good luck!

chibiyui · March 2014

My condolences on your loss.

When my grandmother passed, my aunts divvied up the jewelry, when grandpa passed, all hell broke loose in the family. It turned really ugly.

Have you talked to your mom about the ring yet? Since your grandma gave the ring to your mom (to pass to you) it might be her descision if and when it gets passed on.

moosette113 · March 2014

I agree that you shouldn't say anything unless your grandfather specifically brings it up, but I think if it is brought up, your mom and your aunts should be the ones to discuss what happens to it as well as other sentimental items. I'm going through something very similar right now and I was not specifically mentioned in my grandmother's will- only her 4 children. Therefore I have to rely on my mother to make the one claim on my behalf.

I really think that by having your mother and aunts approach your grandfather like "dad, we have all talked and sister 1 would very much like to have this necklace and engagement ring, sister 2 would like the sapphire set, and sister 3 would appreciate having mom's heirloom jewelry box" or something to that effect will help diffuse any grandchild favoritism. It's important that everyone is on the same page, and that the emphasis is on having something to remember your grandmother by, and not "grandma said I could have this and that so hand it over" (not that I think you were taking the latter approach at all, but your grandfather might see it that way). That way even if your grandfather does decide that one of your aunts should have it, she would hopefully pass it to you, or at the very least let you wear it for your wedding.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this- my grandmother was hospitalized 2 weeks before my wedding and died a week after, so I definitely understand how difficult this is.

ETA spelling, which is not my friend

mbross3 · March 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss!

Legally the ring, and any other possessions not specifically bequeathed to people, belong to your grandfather. It doesn't matter if your mother is currently in possession of the ring or not, technically it's your grandfather's and he can ask for it back. If your mother (or you) possess it for a long enough period of time (probably 10+ years) and treat it as your own and he never asks for it back, then you have a strong case to claim it as yours. However, this is an unlikely scenario. If he ever requests it back, you are legally bound to give it to him.

The only way out of this is if your grandmother gave it to your mother as a gift "in anticipation of her own death". This is hard to prove and courts hate it. Generally speaking everything just goes to next of kin to have or distribute as they see fit.

It kind of sucks, especially in situations where you know what the intentions of the person were. Just be aware, if you decide to just keep it (or if your mother does), that he can technically ask for it back at any time, or any of his heirs can upon his death (unless he specifically conveys it to you). This is true in all the states-although some are stricter than others.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

On the issue of male cousins: None are interested in jewelry. They're all either confirmed bachelors (my oldest cousin adamantly refuses to ever marry), or playboys or, in the case of my younger male cousins, very young (the under 15 crowd).There is one piece that is going to my uncle that belonged to grandpa who is still living but no longer wants to wear the piece. The aunts have all been given various sentimental and antique pieces over the years. Neither of them want the ring and want me to have it. My mom's method is to hang onto it and see if grandpa asks for it back. My two younger cousins have already expressed intense interest in having it, and my Uncle's second wife is vying for it as well for her youngest child who is 11, though unless she steals it, I doubt it would go for her. I would not usually be so concerned about it this early on, only it has been brought to my attention by my mom that grandma's wishes might not be a "done deal" after all and that lots of people besides me think they are getting it. It's pretty upsetting to think about such a trite issue right before a funeral. I hate that everyone has made such a stink about it. They could have waited at least. And the wedding is in three weeks, so if I am ending up with it, I need to have it sized. Otherwise I can't wear it the day of except on a necklace, which I may well end up doing.

Edit: there is other, very valuable, very beautiful jewelry that is aplenty in my grandma's trunk. There is enough for all the adult women to have at least one, maybe two pieces. I think the sheer amount of all the rest of the jewelry should be enough to placate everyone and leave me be. So goes mom's theory, anyway. We'll see how it goes in practice.

lightningsnow · March 2014

First, I am truly sorry for your loss.

Second, we had a very similar situation when my grandmother passed away when I was 8. She didn't have a written will or a living will so no one knew who was getting what. To this day, 17 years later, there are still fights about her wedding set. My oldest female cousin was given possession of it and my oldest male cousin and his mother, my aunt, felt it belonged to them. My mother currently has possession of the set as my cousin's ex-husband turned out to be a thief and she wanted it to be in safe hands. My mother has firmly stated to me that she will not return the set to my cousin if and when she asks for it back.

This whole fight was ridiculous back then and still is now. I've never seen grown adults throw such a fit about something.

Rach1137 · March 2014

I feel your pain. My maternal grandmothers ring wen to my oldest male cousin for his now wife, they've been married 10+ years and are very happy. Had it gone to the first to get married, who knows where it would be now since that marriage ended badly. As the 7th in line of 16 cousins I never expect much from my grandmother even though she and I are extremely close and I am one of the "favorites" and she has very generously given me many other things over the years that mean just as much as her ring.

My paternal grandmother passed away a few years ago and the understanding was that her engagement ring would go to the oldest (me) but since my aunt has it I know that I'll never see it. I'm sure my grandpa is rolling in his grave over that one considering my 2 cousins both belong to a religious sect that doesn't even wear jewelry meaning that a beautiful heirloom family piece will now sit in a box until someone gets greedy enough to sell it. I was very close to my grandpa not her and I knew what he wanted done with her ring, but he passed first so since I wasn't grandma's favorite I'll never see it again. The hurt doesn't come from not having the ring, it comes from yet another reminder that I wasn't grandma's favorite and that's hard.

missmarissa14 · March 2014

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. My Grandmother also passed away 3 weeks ago suddenly of a stroke and I was very, very close to her. Unfortunately for us, the ring she wore and some other jewelry she had on was stolen right off of her from someone in the hospital. Some sick people In the world....

This is a very difficult and delicate situation. I'm sure you and your cousins all want to hold on to a piece of your Grandma. My personal opinion is that since she specifically told you she wanted you to have it and you're also the oldest one getting married.....you should have it and your cousins should respect that. My cousins and I went through some of my Grandmother's jewlery and I have a few pieces to remember her by. But nothing will replace the incredible memories or pictures I can look back at. Although I'm hoping we can find her actual wedding band somewhere because I would love to wear it.

Maybe discuss with your family how much it would mean for you to have the ring and honor her memory. Unfortunately since its not in the will, it legally does not belong to you and it is not your decision so you're a little limited.
This might be completely unorthodox but......my engagement ring is an heirloom of FI's Grandmother. After she passed away it was in the hands of his Aunt. Many years ago (before I came into the picture) my FI's parents offered to have it appraised and they actually purchased it from her. Not suggesting you do this but that is how my FI's parents got the ring.

I really wish you good luck.

PhoneCardLady · March 2014

Back in 1975, my dad was finally able to get my grandmother's purse from the hospital that she died at in 1969 (long story short - a cousin claimed her body but not the purse, afraid that someone would think she stole something from it. It sat in the hospital vault for seven years).

In the purse was a small diamond ring with part of a certificate that it was purchased in 1920 for $75.

At that time, the three daughters did not have daughters. Only brother did not want it, so dad gave it to me.

My mom didn't want me to wear it (I was 14 at the time) and said she would put it up. She also suggested that I take the diamond out and have it redone. Dad said no, it was up to me.

I still have the ring to this day. Since I will not have any children, I will probably give it to my niece should something happen to me.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

Well, my mom is still holding onto the ring and grandpa hasn't asked for it back yet. She likes the wait and see approach. She knows I'm supposed to have it and grandma gave it to her while she was in the hospital because she wanted to avoid anyone stealing it off her body. What a terrible thought to have just before you die! She was such a practical lady. It might be in poor taste to wear it to the wedding, though, so I am only wearing her earrings that she gave me earlier this year. She wore them all the time, so I have good feelings associated with them. I can still see her in them.

I really miss her. This is just so terrible. I don't know what to do because normally I'd ask her. She was always very practical and full of advice. Though it was sometimes unorthodox. She really wanted to make it to the wedding and had purchased a beautiful hat for the occasion. She told me she wanted a "big ass corsage".

We just went to the funeral yesterday, and I did not approach the casket because I was afraid. I've never been to an open-casket funeral before and I wanted to remember how she was at my shower: Talking really loudly about how I need to get my braces off before the wedding. I promised her they would be off on the 24th, but she still kept asking.

SP29 · March 2014

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I love your most recent post- she sounds like a lovely, spunky lady!

Although I think you should get the ring if your grandmother wanted you to have it, maybe it is best to wait a bit until after some of the emotions have been dealt with before "tackling" your family for the ring. I am glad you have a pair of her earrings.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

SP29 said:

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I love your most recent post- she sounds like a lovely, spunky lady!

Although I think you should get the ring if your grandmother wanted you to have it, maybe it is best to wait a bit until after some of the emotions have been dealt with before "tackling" your family for the ring. I am glad you have a pair of her earrings.

She was a really fantastic gal! I'm sure she'll be there in spirit! My mom's hanging onto the ring. Maybe in a year or so everything will resolve itself. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. Everything will work out in the end, and I'm resolved that I will be gracious even if it does not go to me. She would have hated me to be a snot about it.

heathertims · March 2014

mrshutzler said:

Well, my mom is still holding onto the ring and grandpa hasn't asked for it back yet. She likes the wait and see approach. She knows I'm supposed to have it and grandma gave it to her while she was in the hospital because she wanted to avoid anyone stealing it off her body. What a terrible thought to have just before you die! She was such a practical lady. It might be in poor taste to wear it to the wedding, though, so I am only wearing her earrings that she gave me earlier this year. She wore them all the time, so I have good feelings associated with them. I can still see her in them.

I really miss her. This is just so terrible. I don't know what to do because normally I'd ask her. She was always very practical and full of advice. Though it was sometimes unorthodox. She really wanted to make it to the wedding and had purchased a beautiful hat for the occasion. She told me she wanted a "big ass corsage".

We just went to the funeral yesterday, and I did not approach the casket because I was afraid. I've never been to an open-casket funeral before and I wanted to remember how she was at my shower: Talking really loudly about how I need to get my braces off before the wedding. I promised her they would be off on the 24th, but she still kept asking.

You're making me tear up just reading this. I hope it goes to you. And i really hope the people who believe that your grandmother's wishes be honoured will fight for this.
She sounds like a lovely woman. And i think it would be lovely to find some way to give her her "big ass corsage"

My grandfather passed away years ago, and I still remember the viewing. My younger cousin didnt even go in the room. She sat outside for 2 days. All because she wanted to preserve the memory she had of him. All this to say my condolences. I'm sure your grandmother is watching over you.

princessleia22 · March 2014

photokitty said:

If you mother has the ring what makes your hunk that your grandfather wants it back. Possession is 9/10th of the law my mama always says…she gave it to you and then to your mom.

Unless grandpa asks for it back I think it is a moot point. If he asks for it then I would tell him what it means to you and that grandma said she wanted you to have it.

I don't think you getting married first has any baring not he situation. I think the fact that she told you she wanted you to have it is the point. I would not bring up favorites or anything like that. Talk about emotions, meaning and love.

How do you know your cousin wants it? Did she ask for it? She might not even like it. Choose your words carefully bc it is easy to read the tension between you and your cousins and the resentment you have about not being your grandpa's favorite - all of which are understandable, but won't help with the situation.

GL!

ETA Don't forget about any male cousins. A grandson might want to use his grandmother's ring just as such as any granddaughters. Even though I'm a girl, I don't understand why women think they should get to split up the jewelry without regard to the men. NOT saying you are doing that OP

mrshutzler said:

Okay, my grandmother just passed away and before she died, she bequeathed to me her diamond wedding ring since I am the first grandchild to get married (this April) and she thought that a young person should have it. (she did not physically give it to me, though) My aunts (her daughters) are in agreement and have said that if it had fallen to them, they would give it to me because (as my aunt put it) It's silly for a "bunch of old ladies to want a girlish engagement ring". They also have inherited other jewelry pieces over the years and do not feel they were passed over. My grandfather is not sure about giving it to me. He's one of those people that chooses favorites, and I'm not his favorite grandchild. Probably just because my family lived far away for much of my childhood. He is a very demanding person, always wanting you to wait on him and give him your undivided attention. I was more close with my grandmother who was happy for me to just sit and talk with her at length, as opposed to having some unmet expectation of me. I really enjoy talking with the elderly, so that was kindof our thing, I guess. Her mother was the same way, and I had the pleasure of knowing her until she died at 95 when I as 9 or 10.

Anyway... Back to the ring. There was no will, but it was understood by all that she was going to give it to me before the wedding whether she was present for it or not. I am still dealing with the realization of the fact that she has died very suddenly and so close to my wedding, and it's a very sad time for me and the rest of the family. She did not like morbid displays and would not want us to be unhappy, and would hate it if I did some kind of "in memory of" thing on the day of the wedding. She'd probably say I was turning my wedding into a wake... typical Barbara.

Of course my younger female cousins want it. I don't blame them. It's a very extravagant piece. However, if it does not go to the oldest daughter, it makes sense for it to go to the oldest granddaughter (who is also getting married soon? None of the other girls even have boyfriends). If it did not, it would be just to spite me because my second to oldest cousin is grandpa's favorite. There is so much other jewelry they could inherit. This is an engagement ring. I really want to wear it for the wedding because I feel it would connect me to their luck and successful marriage through some kind of superstitious juju something or other. Stupid, I know... I'm a real pushover, so if it does go to someone else, I don't know how I would respond and would likely just be like "oh... okay" and move on. Grandpa might even do something weird and hock it and donate the proceeds to charity or something terrible. It bothers me that what she wanted was never written down. I never thought this would be a problem. All year she has been talking about how I will have the ring and everyone has heard her say it. I didn't think it was up for debate so never worried about it.

Should I just let this go to avoid looking grabby? It's currently in my mother's possession because grandma gave it to her while she was in the hospital for safekeeping. She was not coherent at this time due to brain damage following a heart attack and stroke. She died soon after. I'm heartbroken about my grandmother, and I don't want to fight with anyone over a ring. As nice as it is, it's just a thing. Is this the right plan of action or should I be less diplomatic? I'm always Switzerland in family disputes, only this situation places me in a less neutral position.

I agree with the bolded. Any male family could be potential heirs of the ring also. My FI has a sister, but after their grandmother passed away, his mom put the ring aside for him. After we had been dating for a few years she told him that she wanted him to have it to propose to me. I'm now wearing his grandmothers ring, which I love since she did have a long, happy marriage, so I hope that luck passes on to us.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

Grandpa has gotten pretty nasty about all jewelry and has even demanded back pieces that she gave away more than a year ago. He will not even let me wear her earrings the day of. Not even as a loan. I'm pretty heartbroken, and my aunts are upset at the thought of giving back their pieces. I think they could just hang onto them, though... since they were gifts years ago. He can suck it up.

As for male heirs, it's irrelevant, since he's not giving it away. He's saying that he wants to be buried with it all like a viking.

happymellow · March 2014

I'm so sorry. This sounds like a tough one. I know if I was your aunt or your cousin, I'd want you to have it. I have no advice. Just wanted to say sorry for your loss. I'm sure whatever you decide will be right for you.

lyndausvi · March 2014

No way I would give back jewelry from years ago. Hell no. Unfortunately not much you can do about the ring and other stuff still in his possession. (I know your mom got the ring for safe keeping in the hospital which is different than being given it years ago).

Wonder why his acting this way? Although, grandma just died and everyone seems to wondering who is going to get what he just might be annoyed at the whole subject. Being such a recent event, I can't say I blame him.

Not that I would not be wondering myself, It's just a delicate situation. Especially when she is so recently deceased. Some people need more time to think things through. It might be too soon for him to give away something as personal as the wedding band he gave his wife many years ago.

Personally I would take a step back. She was your grandmother, but she was his wife.

SP29 · March 2014

I agree with lyndausvi- perhaps your grandpa is still dealing with a lot of grief and this is all too much for him right now. In one respect, if it were me, I'd want family to have my spouses belongings as keepsakes, but in another respect I can understand not wanting to let anything go from my possession because it would make it more real and like I was letting him go.

It is too bad he won't even let you borrow jewelry for the wedding, though.

I think though I would take a step back and let him process his grief first. Closer to the wedding (though I realize it is close), have a heart to heart with him about borrowing some earrings for your wedding day. I'd leave the ring till later when everything has blown over.

photokitty · March 2014

There are other ways to have your grandma with you on your wedding day. You could get a locket and put her photo in it, they have ones that attach to your bouquet. She will of course be in your heart too. Her earrings maybe special to you, but they are just metal and stones. Your memories and love for her will last longer than any piece of jewelry can.

I see this behavior a lot in my line of work. Grandpa is undoubtedly heartbroken as well and doesn't want to give up/ lose/ give away any more of her right now. He may come around later, but you need to remember that jewelry is just a thing and your relationship and love is most important part. Don't let your wedding be overshadowed by a missing object, remember the love you have for the missing person.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

abbyj700 · March 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's very difficult around your wedding.

lyndausvi said - please keep in mind that while this is your grandmother - this is your grandfathers wife. And this isn't just jewelry - it's the ring he gave her so many years ago. It makes it all a completely hard situation.

The ring is legally his and no one should be putting pressure on him. He now knows that the ring was promised to you - as confirmed by other family members. In the end - it is up to him what he does. I truly hopes he makes her wishes a reality by giving you the ring - but that is his decision to make. Sometimes when we lose the ones we love it is hard to make the right decision.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

abbyj700 said:

I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's very difficult around your wedding.

lyndausvi said - please keep in mind that while this is your grandmother - this is your grandfathers wife. And this isn't just jewelry - it's the ring he gave her so many years ago. It makes it all a completely hard situation.

The ring is legally his and no one should be putting pressure on him. He now knows that the ring was promised to you - as confirmed by other family members. In the end - it is up to him what he does. I truly hopes he makes her wishes a reality by giving you the ring - but that is his decision to make. Sometimes when we lose the ones we love it is hard to make the right decision.

The ring is not from her original wedding set. It was purchased at an antique store around their 25th anniversary. It's still very meaningful to me, though. He has the original set also, and I understand him wanting to hold onto it.

ring inheritance squabble

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