Yikes, how to best handle this ugly situation

a13049 · March 2014

I know, I know, know you aren't suposed to uninvite someone who you sent a save the date to. So how would you lovely ettiquette ladies choose to handle this situation. We are getting married in Vegas this summer, we sent out save the dates after the new year. Shortly after we sent them out we found out a couple was splitting us. NBD we were still going to invite them both. He is one of FI childhood bestfriends, and I have become friendly with his soon to be ex-wife over the last 5 years. We are super close, I wouldn't pick up the phone and call her for lunch, but we have mutual friends and can have a good conversation when we go to gatherings together. Anyways, now things have taken an uglier turn. She RSVP'd that she was coming, and she is bringing her new bf that she cheated on her husband with. NO WAY! He was never invited, she doesn't get a plus one! Then, she lets me know her 30 birthay is the week before, so she is going to celebrate it the night before my wedding i vegas and gave me a list of about 10 people I need to add. She says they are mutual friends, but all of them are more like mutual aquantances. Plus, the night before my wedding, is our bachelor and bachelorette parties, and she suddenly is inviting extra people for me sisters to pay for? I guess, one of my friends even mentioned to her that it wasn't polite to add people to others events, and her reply was "its vegas, wha t is she not going to let us in the door." I don't give a damn about being in the spot light, if she wanted to toast to her birthday or what not IDGAF but to add 10 more people and her new BF to my bachelorette party and wedding, no! So FI really wants me to call her an uninvite her. I told him we already sent a save the date and it would be perceived as rude. He says the invitation for was for the married couple and because she did what she did to his friends, he doesn't really want her or her drama there. I don't want to come off as bridezilla, but I also don't want any drama at our wedding and we only invited her because she was a spouse of FI friend. Am i crossing the line if I let her know that she isn't invited? SHould I just let her know she is the only one that is invited to the wedding related events and if she has others, including dates they will not be accomodated? I can imagine he still showing up with her possy and crashing our events and making a big scene if we try to not include them, plus I am worried about the mutual aquaintances gettting the wrong impressoion because they will be getting everything from her side.

Liatris2010 · March 2014

You don't uninvite her, you just let her know that her bf and 10 friends can't be accommodated. Don't have seats or food for them, and have the venue ask them to leave if they show up.

Jen4948 · March 2014

Liatris2010 said:

You don't uninvite her, you just let her know that her bf and 10 friends can't be accommodated. Don't have seats or food for them, and have the venue ask them to leave if they show up.

This exactly.

grumbledore · March 2014

In this case, where she is reportedly the one who caused the breakdown of the marriage, I wouldn't feel remiss in uninviting her if I was prepared to let the friendship go, which in this case sounds very, very tempting. She is being incredibly rude regarding pretty much all of this. Where she is still technically invited and she is seeing someone and invites have not gone out yet, she isn't exactly wrong to want to bring her SO, but given the circumstances it is pretty gauche. The rest is appalling.

kmmssg · March 2014

Liatris2010 said:

You don't uninvite her, you just let her know that her bf and 10 friends can't be accommodated. Don't have seats or food for them, and have the venue ask them to leave if they show up.

Another vote for this

climbingsingle · March 2014

Liatris2010 said:

You don't uninvite her, you just let her know that her bf and 10 friends can't be accommodated. Don't have seats or food for them, and have the venue ask them to leave if they show up.

This.

LondonLisa · March 2014

I agree with liatris, you don't uninvite her. You let her know that unfortunately, the invitation was issued to x and y and the venue cannot accommodate additional guests for any of the wedding events. That she is welcome to come but she cannot bring any friends. If you don't want any drama, just calmly and objectively outline the situation. If she protests, just inform her that your venues are at capacity, your bachelorette parties already arranged, so if she brings anyone not on the list, they will be asked to leave.

Everyone should be invited with their significant other regardless of how long they have been dating. However, in this situation, I think this technically falls under "swapping" dates, rather than not inviting a social unit as this all happened after the invitations were sent.

grumbledore · March 2014

I'm not sure I agree with @Liatris2010. She is way over the line, so really I think the deciding factor is whether you think there is a irretrievable breakdown in the friendship (not just based on this behavior, but the entire situation). If she is just behaving badly re: the wedding, then I would just lay down the law - "I'm sorry, we can't accommodate any additional guests, hope to see you" and leave it at that.

phira · March 2014

I'm not sure about whether or not to let her bring the boyfriend. Etiquette says hells yes, because they've been together since before the invitations are going out. Not only that, but as someone who's seen a few flavors of, "he/she cheated," I don't think it's appropriate to make any assumptions about what happened. So, she wants to bring her boyfriend? If she were any other guest, we'd say, "SOs must be invited."

With the rest of this, tell her firmly, "We have already decided on guest lists for the bachelorette party and the wedding. We are not adding your guests to either event." Let your venue know what's going on, and have security ready to escort out crashers.

Finally, if things continue to go south, then I'm with @grumbledore. It's rude to uninvite someone, but if she continues to be rude and boundary-crossing, to the point where things are just getting worse no matter how polite you are, then it's time to burn this bridge anyway.

bethsmiles · March 2014

I agree with @phira. Obviously you tell her hell no to the extra 10 guests (WTF is she thinking?!) but I've seen a million time on here that SOs must be invited and no matter how close you are to this couple you don't know everything that happened in the divorce. So I do think the BF should be invited.

However, if she continues to keep up this incredibly rude behavior, I would un-invite her.

happymellow · March 2014

I agree with @grumbledore. I'm all for proper ettiquette, but she's way over the line. I don't even think she can see the line behind her anymore. I'd uninvite this one, and be perfectly fine being rude in this one particular instance. That being said, I think the proper etiquette is probably to just tell her others can't be accommodated and will be asked to leave as there isn't any space.

banana468 · March 2014

Since she'll be with this new guy for months when you send invitations he technically should be invited to the wedding.

However, the extra guests to the bachelorette? No effing way.

a13049 · March 2014

Well I don't know everything about their relationship, I do know she has cheated because she is the one who told everyone. She said she doesn't think she was in love and she was too young and got married because she wanted to be married. We accounted for all social groups and have plus one to all singles, it doesn't seem like I should have to add to my guest list because she made poor life choices. Really, I'm suprises she wants to go because we aren't really good friends and her social circle isn't going it will be all of her ex husbands friends and she only know 2 of the wives. I originally didn't mind her still going, but now she oblyk seems to want to stir up trouble. I'm guessing she want to bring her friends because she knows she won't have anyone.

bethsmiles · March 2014

I'm not saying she didn't cheat, that's not at all what I meant. But divorces can be really complicated and it's just better not to make assumptions. Rarely is just one party at fault.

If you don't want to be friends with her, just un-invite her. At this point I don't think anyone is going to side-eye you for it.

However, if you still are going to invite her I do think you have to extend an invitation to her SO.

banana468 · March 2014

I'm not going to argue that cheating was OK but she's in this relationship now and her marriage is ending. Wouldn't her soon to be ex also get a plus one now?

ScoutF · March 2014

phira said:

I'm not sure about whether or not to let her bring the boyfriend. Etiquette says hells yes, because they've been together since before the invitations are going out. Not only that, but as someone who's seen a few flavors of, "he/she cheated," I don't think it's appropriate to make any assumptions about what happened. So, she wants to bring her boyfriend? If she were any other guest, we'd say, "SOs must be invited."

With the rest of this, tell her firmly, "We have already decided on guest lists for the bachelorette party and the wedding. We are not adding your guests to either event." Let your venue know what's going on, and have security ready to escort out crashers.

Finally, if things continue to go south, then I'm with @grumbledore. It's rude to uninvite someone, but if she continues to be rude and boundary-crossing, to the point where things are just getting worse no matter how polite you are, then it's time to burn this bridge anyway.

I agree with everything @phira said. The BF needs to be invited, especially since it's a DW wedding.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Another vote for "we would love to have you at the wedding but we aren't able to accomodate BF & your extra guests. I totally get that you want to celebrate you birthday while in Vegas and hope that you and your friends have a great time celebrate & we'll catch up with you the next day at the wedding."

As for invite for the BF, she wasn't with him when you sent the STD, she was with her now ex. Telling her that you aren't able to accomodate a guest for either of them. If she says, well then I won't come "sorry to hear that, but I understand."

phira · March 2014

@Erikan73 Not proper etiquette. Plenty of relationships start and end during the 6-12 months between save-the-dates and the wedding.

OP, again, not questioning whether or not she cheated. Trying to explain that whether or not you think she made a poor life choice is irrelevant.

grumbledore · March 2014

Erikan73 said:

Another vote for "we would love to have you at the wedding but we aren't able to accomodate BF & your extra guests. I totally get that you want to celebrate you birthday while in Vegas and hope that you and your friends have a great time celebrate & we'll catch up with you the next day at the wedding."
As for invite for the BF, she wasn't with him when you sent the STD, she was with her now ex. Telling her that you aren't able to accomodate a guest for either of them. If she says, well then I won't come "sorry to hear that, but I understand."

I disagree with the bolded - save the dates go out way in advance of weddings. Relationship status should be re-evaluated before sending invitations, and whether or not someone gets a SO invite should depend on this, not their status as of save-the-date time.

banana468 · March 2014

I hope everyone saying it's OK to not allow someone in a new relationship to bring the SO in this scenario doesn't argue for it in other posts.

doeydo · March 2014

Whether or not she cheated on her husband with this 'new boyfriend' is irrelevant, IMO. She is an invited guest and as such, her SO needs to be invited. Her SO is obviously this 'new boyfriend'. He is not a plus one, but should have been invited by name. As for her friends, she doesn't get to invite random people to your wedding so if she brings that up just tell her that you are sorry but cannot accommodate them.

doeydo · March 2014

grumbledore said:

Erikan73 said:

Another vote for "we would love to have you at the wedding but we aren't able to accomodate BF & your extra guests. I totally get that you want to celebrate you birthday while in Vegas and hope that you and your friends have a great time celebrate & we'll catch up with you the next day at the wedding."
As for invite for the BF, she wasn't with him when you sent the STD, she was with her now ex. Telling her that you aren't able to accomodate a guest for either of them. If she says, well then I won't come "sorry to hear that, but I understand."

I disagree with the bolded - save the dates go out way in advance of weddings. Relationship status should be re-evaluated before sending invitations, and whether or not someone gets a SO invite should depend on this, not their status as of save-the-date time.

I agree with grumbledore. People's relationship statuses don't really matter at the point of time that the STD's go out; if someone is single at that time but by the time the invitations go out they are dating someone, then their SO must be invited.

hyechica81 · March 2014

dont invite her anymore it would be awkward if she was there and so was her ex i know etiquette says you have to but go against it tell her unfortunately because of all the drama and your ex i can no longer invite you to the wedding.

but if you don't feel comfortable doing that tell her i am sorry but the invite was for you only and not your friends i cannot add them to any lists or parties you are welcome to come to my bachelor party the night before but solo

a13049 · March 2014

Thank you ladies, you have given me some good outside perspective.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

We often tell brides that when STDs go out to couples and the couple breaks up, that the invite is only sent to the friend. OP - do you still want to carry on a friendship with this girl? If the answer is no, then break off the friendship. Her potential wedding invitation will fall by the wayside due to the friendship ending. It sounds like you were never really friends with this girl to begin with, only friendly with each other due to your FI and the soon to be Ex-H.

Amyzen83 · March 2014

This girl sounds classy! This sounds like a trainwreck waiting to happen with her! I agree with OliveOilsMom

jdluvr06 · March 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

We often tell brides that when STDs go out to couples and the couple breaks up, that the invite is only sent to the friend. OP - do you still want to carry on a friendship with this girl? If the answer is no, then break off the friendship. Her potential wedding invitation will fall by the wayside due to the friendship ending. It sounds like you were never really friends with this girl to begin with, only friendly with each other due to your FI and the soon to be Ex-H.

I agree with this. Really just because her name was on the STD doesn't mean she needs to be invited. She was married to your FI's friend at the time and since they have split it would make sense that you would invite the friend but not the friend's ex.

photokitty · March 2014

If invites have not gone out, rather she only received the STD, I would not invite her. I would end the friendship. But I would not want to be friends with her. I believe she was invited on the STD bc she was married to FI's BFF. Since they broke up she would no longer be invited. I realize this would be a friendship ending move, but I would already have cut her out of our lives for cheating on our friend. IMHO

If you already sent her an invite of her own, then you're screwed and need to invite the new BF. No she can't bring the other guests and I would not say anything that suggests I hope she can attend.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

jdluvr06 said:

OliveOilsMom said:

We often tell brides that when STDs go out to couples and the couple breaks up, that the invite is only sent to the friend. OP - do you still want to carry on a friendship with this girl? If the answer is no, then break off the friendship. Her potential wedding invitation will fall by the wayside due to the friendship ending. It sounds like you were never really friends with this girl to begin with, only friendly with each other due to your FI and the soon to be Ex-H.

I agree with this. Really just because her name was on the STD doesn't mean she needs to be invited. She was married to your FI's friend at the time and since they have split it would make sense that you would invite the friend but not the friend's ex.

Ditto. It's fine to not invite her, because she was invited as the SO of the primary guest. However, if you do decide to send her an invitation, then you need to invite her SO. You can't have it both ways.

cruffino · March 2014

she was the SO of your husband's friend, the primary invitee. they are now broken up. he still gets invited, she doesn't. that's how i see it. if you weren't independently friends with her outside of her husband, then off the list she goes.

mzbda · March 2014

I agree with posters who said since the couple has broken up, she is no longer invited. I don't understand why she should be allowed to bring a date when she was invited as part of a couple in the first place that no longer exists. If you don't care about the friendship then she shouldn't be invited.

Yikes, how to best handle this ugly situation

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