SIL Bridesmaid Drama

classyduck · March 2014

Inkdancer said:

Hoo boy, you dug yourself deep in this one.

Never, ever let any supposed "rules" pressure you into having someone in your bridal party. It's really a good idea to pick only the people who would answer if you called at 3 am with an emergency.

But obviously that doesn't help you now. Once you've asked, you can't reverse the asking without really hurting her feelings and ending any potential friendship. So until you get married, try to be very nice to her. If she sends you a text and you can't answer right away, don't answer. You can always say you were busy and didn't see it. Then answer when you have time to write something meaningful back. Most of all, try to be her friend. Maybe a real, good friendship will develop and you'll be grateful later. Maybe she will turn out to be a crazypants beeotch, and you'll come out the other side as the bigger person because you were so gracious.

This is some of the best advice I've seen in this thread. Being truly gracious will almost never backfire. It might not have the desired results, or it might; but you will, at least, be blameless. And, if insecurity in your friendship is really at the root of SIL's cray, then this might be just the right medicine.

laurynm84 said:
To the other posters: do you really think if the OP didn't ask this woman to be a bridesmaid that the situation would be any better? SIL would probably have stilled cried to OPs brother about how mean OP is to her.

This is probably also true.

Also, I want to give a nod to @phira. Very perceptive, and honestly, I had some of the same thoughts myself reading through the OP.

However, I've met with my own frustration in internet forums in the past of not being able to truly paint the picture, because it is impossible to convey all the circumstances that lead up to a current attitude. Sometimes, to give good advice, we just have to accept at face value what the OP states (SIL is a

. --But, on the other hand, sometimes questioning the OP's base assumptions (SIL is a

is the most productive thing to do, so it is hard to know what approach to take.

I won't annoy the OP with advice on what she already knows -- that the invite was a bad idea -- but moving forward, I would try to redirect wedding talk to another topic. Try and focus your energy on your relationship with her, and not on the wedding. Minimize the duties of the wedding party, and maximize the honor of their roles. Practice reflecting her feelings (empathy). When "She just kept going on and on about how she's really trying to be close with me and doesn't want to be a part of my wedding because she thinks that I am being forced to have her in my wedding." Say "You've been trying hard to be my friend, and you are scared that I don't really want you there." It sounds mechanical, but reflecting those sorts of feelings really makes someone feel heard. It's incredibly validating, and is required if you want to be effective in furthering a dialogue in which at least one party perceives a crisis.

On a more pessimistic note... if she really is as crazy as you describe... all you have to do is wait. She will fabricate a reason to excuse herself from the WP again. At that point, all you have to do is express your regret, and accept her withdrawal --Credit:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
However, if she again flings a fit and 'quits' the BP, then you should take her at her word on that, and say, 'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, but of course I understand that it's too much for you, and it's overwhelming, so you're right, it will be easier on you not to be in the WP.'

And then stick to that.

fionahalliwell · March 2014

laurynm84 said:
To the other posters: do you really think if the OP didn't ask this woman to be a bridesmaid that the situation would be any better? SIL would probably have stilled cried to OPs brother about how mean OP is to her.

Exactly what I was thinking. It's a catch 22 in some of these situations: ask and be prepared for the nutty drama that comes along, or don't ask and be prepared for the nutty drama that comes along. My best friend and I were just discussing this last night WRT people we wouldn't want in our own WPs but would be all but forced to have to maintain family unity.

OP: IMO, you were kind of in a lose-lose on this one. Try to connect with her on a non-wedding level, and if it goes well, great. If it doesn't, well, you weren't really a fan of hers anyway.

artbyallie · March 2014

laurynm84 said:

I don't think you did anything wrong OP (except maybe the over the top way you asked people to be your bridesmaids).

I see why you included your SIL but it wasn't necessary to do so. Just because you have one almost SIL who also happens to be your best friend as a bridesmaid, doesn't mean you have to ask your other SIL who you are not good friends with to be one too.

To the other posters: do you really think if the OP didn't ask this woman to be a bridesmaid that the situation would be any better? SIL would probably have stilled cried to OPs brother about how mean OP is to her.

Yep, I agree.

Stupid Box

See, that's what I'm thinking. I'm also thinking OP's brother is apparently every bit as drama-prone as his wife given his part in this. Because really? Marching over next door to yell at her? I always say a spouse/fiancé(e) should take their partner's side over everyone, but there is a right and a wrong way to go about it and if he had been calmer, he would have quickly realized that OP was not at all rude in her text.

phira · March 2014

classyduck said:I won't annoy the OP with advice on what she already knows -- that the invite was a bad idea -- but moving forward, I would try to redirect wedding talk to another topic. Try and focus your energy on your relationship with her, and not on the wedding. Minimize the duties of the wedding party, and maximize the honor of their roles. Practice reflecting her feelings (empathy). When "She just kept going on and on about how she's really trying to be close with me and doesn't want to be a part of my wedding because she thinks that I am being forced to have her in my wedding." Say "You've been trying hard to be my friend, and you are scared that I don't really want you there." It sounds mechanical, but reflecting those sorts of feelings really makes someone feel heard. It's incredibly validating, and is required if you want to be effective in furthering a dialogue in which at least one party perceives a crisis. This is EXCELLENT advice. Often, when we're upset with someone, no matter what their intentions were, we're tired of hearing, "But I meant well," and what we want to hear is, "I understand what you're upset about." Repeating it back in their own words will help validate their feelings, show you understand why they're upset, and help move to the next part: asking what you can do to rectify the situation.

SIL Bridesmaid Drama

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