Vent: someone else's party

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

So I just got the invitation in the mail over the weekend for my step-sister's impending bachelorette party which I was already anticipating being a shit show... an entire weekend at a beach house in a tourist town across the state, with a $50 entry fee to stay in the rental house. The actual party is Saturday, but you can "feel free to come Friday for no additional charge, claim your bedroom and have a mini vaca!" Oh goody. So what you're really telling me is although I've subsidized the entire weekend for a house you couldn't afford to host on your own, I don't actually get a discount for only staying Saturday, and when I get there all the bedrooms will be taken and I'll have to sleep on the floor (there are upwards of 25 people coming to this party... no way there's a bed for everyone). Gee, thanks. Then Saturday, after wine tasting and dinner downtown, there will be a sex toy party where we can "buy something for the bride, if we haven't already brought a gift." Oh how convenient! Afterward, we'll head to a bar, where we have been advised to plan to buy the bride some shots. Additionally, "while there will be some food and drinks at the house, BYOB is encouraged. If you could also bring an appetizer/snacks, let bridesmaidname know!"

Am I just being a bitch here? I mean I know that bachelorette parties are understood to be "pay your own way." but this seems soooooo far beyond that. And the asking for gifts thing just made me want to scream. (Especially since it's a sex toy party. GROSS.) If I was going to take a "mini vaca" it wouldn't be with any of these people. I'm worried if I skip it I'll get crap from my dad, and I don't really feel like pissing family off with my own wedding coming up. (Although the step-sister has already declined my wedding.) I would go for just the wine and dinner, but it's a 2.5 hour drive each way and I don't know if I want to spend as much time in the car as I'll spend at the party (time I'll likely spend making excuses for why I'm not staying the whole time). :-/

abbyj700 · March 2014

$50 for a weekend at the beach? I think that sounds kinda great. None of it sounds too terrible to me. Go, be with your step-sister, enjoy the weekend and be supportive.

If you don't want to do the sex-toy thing, maybe go for a walk on the beach while it's going on. And you aren't obligated to buy drinks, so don't feel like you are.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

It's early May in Michigan; it'll be too cold to go to the beach.

tesgirl123 · March 2014

Who is "hosting" the party? It its the bride doing this, then its tacky. If its her MOH or another BM or friend its not as bad as you are making it out to be.

$50 to share for two nights at the beach doesn't actually seem that bad to me either. I have seen worse. I agree the sex toy party is awkward and not my preference as well, but if you feel you need to buy her a gift, get her a GC to Victoria's Secret, and make the excuse that you didn't know sizes. Buying the bride shots is borderline. If this is a friend of the bride, it doesn't seem that bad.

Most large group things like this tend to be BYOB as well when it comes to pre-party/post-party stuff.

It sounds a little like you didn't want to enjoy this at all

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

Two bridesmaids are "hosting" (planning, since they're not actually hosting much at all).

No, the $50 wouldn't be atrocious on its own... but $50 to sleep on the floor?? If I'm going to spend $50 to sleep anywhere, it better be in a bed.

I've never been to a BYOB bachelorette party, or one where it was insinuated that you bring a gift. Bachelorette parties are not, in my experience, gift-giving parties at all. I wouldn't have a problem with choosing to buy her shots, but the fact that they basically told us we had to rubbed me the wrong way.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I disagree with all PPs and do agree with you -- this is an epic shitstorm of etiquette faux pas.

It appears you are being invoiced for the weekend. Were you asked what you can contribute or were you just told, 'Oh, it's $50, and it's BYOB, and please bring an appetiser.'

Being told that you're going to have to attend a sex toy party and that you're expected to buy the bride a present ('if you haven't already bought her one!') is rude. Bachelorette parties are not inherently gift-giving parties, like showers are. They're parties, and usually the bride is hosted, but that's for dinner/drinks/a night out -- not dinner/drinks/a night out/a weekend at the beach/and sex toys. No no no.

I would decline, regardless of the family drama it might start, and just say, 'Dad, I really wasn't comfortable being invoiced for a party I didn't plan and being told to buy the bride sex toys, sorry.' If she's already declined your wedding, you don't have anything to lose.

tesgirl123 · March 2014

Lolo8383 said:

Two bridesmaids are "hosting" (planning, since they're not actually hosting much at all).

No, the $50 wouldn't be atrocious on its own... but $50 to sleep on the floor?? If I'm going to spend $50 to sleep anywhere, it better be in a bed.

I've never been to a BYOB bachelorette party, or one where it was insinuated that you bring a gift. Bachelorette parties are not, in my experience, gift-giving parties at all. I wouldn't have a problem with choosing to buy her shots, but the fact that they basically told us we had to rubbed me the wrong way.

I live pretty close to the Jersey Shore and I have seen what weekend rentals cost in that area(obvioulsy other areas can be cheaper). $50x the estimated 25 people invited comes to $1250 for the weekend to rent the house. Considering that I have seen weekend rentals that come to $2000-$3000, they might actually be supplementing the cost of the rental.

Try to bring an air mattress, if you refuse to do otherwise, or look into a hotel room nearby and claim you need to get up early on Sunday to drive home for a prior commitment and would rather not wake anyone. It will be more money, but save you a headache.

As for being told you need to buy the bride shots, while it wasn't what I wanted for my bachelorette, I have been to plenty where that was the expectation, either taking turns buying rounds or just buying drinks for the bride while paying for yourself. A lot depends on the phrasing and since I haven't seen it, I can't really say if its rude.

My group of friends has always given eachother bachelorette gifts. Usually they are funny and inexpensive. I agree sex toys are beyond that, but I don't think the anticipation of gifts is entirely rude.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

Thanks @HisGirlFriday13. No, we were not asked. We were actually told that the amount was based on 20 people staying, and could be more if 20 people didn't commit. No mention of at what number the rate might go down, or even what the maximum capacity of the house is, which is why I'm so certain they weren't concerned about having a bed for everyone. There aren't even very large houses in this particular town, and they definitely don't run as much money as anything on the ocean. Most of them sleep 8-10 and run under $400/night in the off-season.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Lolo8383 said:

Thanks @HisGirlFriday13. No, we were not asked. We were actually told that the amount was based on 20 people staying, and could be more if 20 people didn't commit. No mention of at what number the rate might go down, or even what the maximum capacity of the house is, which is why I'm so certain they weren't concerned about having a bed for everyone. There aren't even very large houses in this particular town, and they definitely don't run as much money as anything on the ocean. Most of them sleep 8-10 and run under $400/night in the off-season.

Yeah, this is so not OK. And to all the posters saying, 'Well, it might be a good deal,' I give exactly zero fucks how good of a deal it is -- if you don't ASK people for their budgets in advance, it doesn't matter if it's a good deal, it's still fucking rude to tell people, 'This is how much you owe.'

You do not get to spend other people's money. You just don't. Not for weddings, not for baby showers, not for pre-wedding parties, not for anything. You don't get to invoice guests of a party to help subsidise the cost of that party. No no no no no.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

OH OH OH! I forgot to mention... that $50 covers more than the rental! It covers PARTY FAVORS! Oh boy! Um, if I'm PAYING for something, it's not a damn "favor." If you want to do me a favor, take that money and buy some wine. Or better yet, host a party within your own means, not mine.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Decline. Just decline. If your dad is going to give you shit about it, then that's on him.

thisismynickname2 · March 2014

When it comes down to it, there is a big difference between being TOLD what to spend and what to do, and being ASKED if you are willing to participate and spend xyz to do so.

I think this issue is the former.

In my circle, the bridesmaids agree to host a bachelorette for the bride. That means they all have to agree on the costs to host a night out for themselves and split the cost of the bride. Guests assume any other costs for just themselves. My party is likely to be a night of dinner and dancing. The BP will split my costs, but guests will pay for their own dinner and drinks--- it's all optional. If they can't afford a night out on the town, no one cares. If they can't afford dinner but want to come out later for dancing, awesome. In my circle, it's also not a gift-giving event, but some people will anyway just because they like to give gifts. We're a casual bunch.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

@thisismynickname this is how it's always worked in my circle(s) as well. Dinner out, if you feel like joining. Drinks out after, if you feel like joining. Pay your own way for those things in which you choose to participate, and the BM's volunteer to cover the bride. Bring a gift if you want to, but you're not expected to and there's no big "gift-opening" part of the festivities. SOMETIMES there's "everyone chip in for a limo, if you want to ride in it" but it's not required. When I co-hosted a friend's bachelorette party, we skipped the limo because the other co-hosts and I weren't comfortable charging anyone and couldn't afford to foot the whole bill ourselves.

mcgarci2 · March 2014

Ew. Just ew. I would not participate in buying someone sex toys. I also hate the whole "being invoiced" thing. That's so tacky and just wrong. I also agree with the fact that it doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not.

Saving money doesn't mean you can spend tons and tons of money on someone. If she declined the wedding already, I wouldn't have an issue declining the shower. Just send her a gift if you feel obligated and be done with it.

Inkdancer · March 2014

I think a mini-vaca sounds great... as far away from this mess as possible.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

Oh I already marched my ass into her shower like a dutiful step-sister (ETA: and addressed my own damn thank you card envelope, ugh). And booked my hotel room for her out of town wedding, where she has asked me to "do day-of coordination because... well... I don't know a polite way of saying this, but you're kind of bossy and I think that will be helpful." She's a charmer!

Maggie0829 · March 2014

I would tell who ever is planning this that you can cover the cost of the rental but not the favors. The rest, well you don't have to buy a dildo from the sex toy party and you don't have to supply apps if you don't want to and you also don't have to pay for any drinks for the bride if you don't want to. So a lot of this is stuff that you don't have to do. They aren't putting a gun to your head. You don't even have to go if you don't want to.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

Oh I know I'm not forced to do anything, but I just kinda don't even want to justify any of the rudeness by showing up, even on my own terms. Stubborn to the core over here. And I won't pay any amount of money to sleep on the floor, which would definitely be the case if I don't show up a day early. I'm just going to decline.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Lolo8383 said:

Oh I know I'm not forced to do anything, but I just kinda don't even want to justify any of the rudeness by showing up, even on my own terms. Stubborn to the core over here. And I won't pay any amount of money to sleep on the floor, which would definitely be the case if I don't show up a day early. I'm just going to decline.

I wouldn't either. That shit is for middle school slumber parties. My 29 year old self likes a bed, preferably to myself unless it is with H.

grumbledore · March 2014

Lolo8383 said: Oh I already marched my ass into her shower like a dutiful step-sister (ETA: and addressed my own damn thank you card envelope, ugh). And booked my hotel room for her out of town wedding, where she has asked me to "do day-of coordination because... well... I don't know a polite way of saying this, but you're kind of bossy and I think that will be helpful." She's a charmer!

She asked you to do that and she isn't even attending your wedding? I'd skip the bachelorette and if daddy dearest gives you a hard time, I'd day, "I'm sorry dad, do you really think it was important for me to buy stepsister a dildo?" I mean, seriously, I would say that.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

Well she asked me to do that before I got engaged, but yes. And I can't really blame her for not coming... she had already committed to being a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding (one of the ones planning this bachelorette party for her) on the same day as my wedding, which I didn't know when I picked and booked my date.

thisismynickname2 · March 2014

I also just want to add that buying "toys" for the bride..... what!? I've been to two such "toy parties" (one in college, one maybe a year or two after that), where we were buying FOR OURSELVES and the actual purchasing was done in a private room after the party. Because no one wants to know what you're doing in the privacy of your relationship!! To quote the old Cruel Intentions movie, "Everyone does it, it's just that no one talks about it!" (Well not everyone in this case but you get my drift.)

"Hey, sis, how's that vibrating ****ring for two that I bought you working out of you? And isn't that edible massage oil to die for? Wink wink!!"

GROSS.

MairePoppy · March 2014

Lolo8383 said:

Oh I know I'm not forced to do anything, but I just kinda don't even want to justify any of the rudeness by showing up, even on my own terms. Stubborn to the core over here. And I won't pay any amount of money to sleep on the floor, which would definitely be the case if I don't show up a day early. I'm just going to decline.

Feeling the way you do, I think you should stay home. Send her a card with well wishes. If you like, send a small gift or appetizers to show good will. Then don't feel guilty about it.

My thoughts: I dont' see anything wrong with sending an itemized list of optional list of activities along with the expenses. Guests pick and choose which things they'd like to attend. There's a pretty good chance that you're not the only one who isn't crazy about staying over night and the share for that house is going to go up. I'd be one of the first declines.

Rebl90 · April 2014

I'm a BM in a very similar situation, and I say skip it if it sounds like its going to be that miserable. There is nothing wrong with saying, "thanks, but no thanks". No one can tell you how to spend your own money, that's part of being a grown up. It would be painfully obvious if you go and have a horrible time, spend that $50 on a night to yourself and avoid worsening your relationship! I see it as a win-win

APDSS22 · April 2014

Also, if your dad isn't going to rail your step-sister for not attending your wedding (or at least letting you know when she had a prior commitment prior to you booking a date) I don't think he'll have a go at you for not wanting to buy her sex toys or paying to sleep on the floor. Especially the sex toys, that's just icky. I'll buy clothes or home decor or bath salts for my sister but I don't even want to know what her bedroom preferences are, let alone finance them.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

It's a sticky situation there. I (along with my older sister) have always had the 'unfortunate' role in the family of "the responsible, independent, supportive one." Younger siblings and now step-siblings get away with murder, get more help financially, etc. We're just held to different standards, because we have historically had our shit together better. I know dad and SM will contribute a lot more toward SS's wedding than mine (same with older SS before her), she won't get crap for going to a friend's wedding over family, while I'll get the "disappointed face" for not going to her bach party, etc. and I can't say anything about any of it. I've gotten used to it, but it still sucks. So I'll say something about how I'm just not in favor of the terms of the party (from the distance to the time to the money to the events to whatever) and I'll get the "ohhh but it's for herrrrr, just suck it up" sob story from the man who has now bought her 3 wedding dresses because "nothing fits right." Blah. Whatever.

APDSS22 · April 2014

Lolo8383 said:

It's a sticky situation there. I (along with my older sister) have always had the 'unfortunate' role in the family of "the responsible, independent, supportive one." Younger siblings and now step-siblings get away with murder, get more help financially, etc. We're just held to different standards, because we have historically had our shit together better. I know dad and SM will contribute a lot more toward SS's wedding than mine (same with older SS before her), she won't get crap for going to a friend's wedding over family, while I'll get the "disappointed face" for not going to her bach party, etc. and I can't say anything about any of it. I've gotten used to it, but it still sucks. So I'll say something about how I'm just not in favor of the terms of the party (from the distance to the time to the money to the events to whatever) and I'll get the "ohhh but it's for herrrrr, just suck it up" sob story from the man who has now bought her 3 wedding dresses because "nothing fits right." Blah. Whatever.

I'm in the same boat with having to be the responsible, supportive, and mature older sister. Of course, my little sis would never ask me to do this *knocks on wood since she's unmarried.* If she did, I can't image a world in which I would get disappointed face for not buying her sex toys. After all, you already agreed to be her bridal bitch the day of the wedding. Just tell your dad you're reading up on how to be the best bridal bitch (or use "day of coordinator" if you prefer) instead of cramping her b-party style since she has all those friends who will be there for that but you're the only one she trusts with such an important job.

MadHops21 · April 2014

I'm just wondering how many dildos she will have at the end of her party. That's a lot of dildos for one person.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

MadHops21 said:

I'm just wondering how many dildos she will have at the end of her party. That's a lot of dildos for one person.

Ew I don't even want to know! The last one of these parties I went to (and I do mean the last, forever. I went for the wine.) the host gleefully came out of her ordering session SO EXCITED to announce that she had enough hostess perks to get a free sex swing. WTMI. I wonder if they put their baby in it now.

I don't think dear ol' Dad knows this is what's going down at the extravaganza... I'm sure he'll be quite ok with me not going if I say that's why.

mcgarci2 · April 2014

As I always say, "You can never have too many dildos!" Oh wait, I've never said that. GROSS!!!

abbyj700 · April 2014

Wow, I love how weirded out everyone is getting by the sex toy party. Shit - I've gone to two with FI's Aunt. We giggled and laughed and had a good time. We both ended up ordering and know a few of the things the other person ordered. I hosted one at my house last year - yes everyone ordered privately but some people discussed what they got. I could care less if some people know we're adventurous in the bedroom.

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