How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

michellex413 said:

Thank you for this.

Yeah please don't use those bad examples as validation for not inviting SO's to your wedding.

It won't work out for you very well, because you are going to piss off and alienate your nearest and dearest and they aren't going to give you a pass just because it is "your day" "you are paying for the wedding yourselves" and they "are family." They will be hurt and will bitch about you and your wedding for years behind your back, if you are lucky. Some may actually decline and let you know exactly why.

Dig a bit further and Miss Manners actually advocates for inviting ppl's SO's as the polite thing to do.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I really don't understand how people can't use their common sense when it comes to these things, rather then relying on what a dumb book or etiquette expert website tells them. This is really not all that hard when you take a moment and think about it.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I really don't understand how people can't use their common sense when it comes to these things, rather then relying on what a dumb book or etiquette expert website tells them. This is really not all that hard when you take a moment and think about it.

Because they choose not to because it goes against the rude thing they are planning to do.

lyndausvi · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I really don't understand how people can't use their common sense when it comes to these things, rather then relying on what a dumb book or etiquette expert website tells them. This is really not all that hard when you take a moment and think about it.

Serious.

Saves yourself a lot of stress also. The whole "are they in a serious relationship or not" game is completely removed. It doesn't matter anymore. Give them a plus one and you have just removed the guess work off your plate to dedicate to more important things.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

It's really this simple: if you want to piss off your loved ones, invite them without their SO. Use whatever logic you want to justify your choice, but be aware that you will upset them. They may not tell you that to your face; in fact, they may tell you "Oh, well that's ok! I totally understand!" and then later on you will be the subject of a bitchfest.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I really don't understand how people can't use their common sense when it comes to these things, rather then relying on what a dumb book or etiquette expert website tells them. This is really not all that hard when you take a moment and think about it.

Well there's your problem right there.

Kauris · April 2014

So let me get this straight, 50+ DIFFERENT people tell you the same, etiquette correct thing, but you listen to the one that justifies your bad idea. Okay got it.

Super special snowflakes....

dianawbghs · April 2014

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

ScoutF · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

Did you not read the thread before you posted? Yes, you need to invite SO's of all relationship statuses.

sofakingmad · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

WRONG.

Well, you are right, you don't HAVE to do anything that you don't want to do, but you will be perceived as rude.

happywiggle · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

FFS. Here we go again...

Who are you to dictate who's in a "long-time relationship"? Unless you're supreme dictator of the world who has authority over all, you don't have any right to do that.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

I really don't understand how people can't use their common sense when it comes to these things, rather then relying on what a dumb book or etiquette expert website tells them. This is really not all that hard when you take a moment and think about it.

Serious.

Saves yourself a lot of stress also. The whole "are they in a serious relationship or not" game is completely removed. It doesn't matter anymore. Give them a plus one and you have just removed the guess work off your plate to dedicate to more important things.

Or you could just ask your guests if they are seeing anyone, thats what we did. We asked for their mailing address and the correct spelling of their SO's name. If they respond that they don't have an SO, then you know they are single and you do not need to give truly single guests a plus 1. BUT you should leave them room on your guest list for an SO in case they start dating someone before the wedding.

APDSS22 · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

You're right, you don't have to invite anyone at all to your wedding. It could just be an officiant and the two lovebirds with one or two witnesses required by their state. People elope by running off to Las Vegas and getting married frequently in order to have a day that's all about what they want. Once you start inviting people to your shindig, you should start caring about more than yourself. If you don't, you are an incredibly rude person and a bad hostess. It won't kill you, but it might lose you some people in your life that you consider significant because you didn't respect the people they consider significant to them.

Jells2dot0 · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

After EIGHT pages...SERIOUSLY?!?!

Instead of risking hurting feelings of those who you would like to share in your day, try doing something selfless while planning "your special day" by not spending every last penny on things for yourself and properly host the people who took time out of their lives to share in your event. You can look into getting extra money by:

-wrapping change

-turning unused jewelry into cash

-have a yard sale

-not eat out for a month

-skip your daily non fat caramel latte

-have short centerpieces instead of tall

-consider DIY projects

-spend a little less on the dress that you'll only wear once anyway

-consider skipping a video that will most likely only be viewed once

or, I don't know, maybe have a wedding that you an afford by creating a budget that includes a guest or plus one for anyone over 18.

As someone who had a lavish affair with all of the usual wedding "extras" and "trappings" and then had a bare bones, simple elopement, I can attest that I'm just as married from my elopement as I was for my big wedding and with a ton less stress. You don't need a big wedding, but you do need to properly host your guests.

phira · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that "not a long-term relationship" would mean less than 6 months. The thing is, when I had only been dating my partner for about 5 months, I. Was. Not. Single.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

OK let me make this really easy. You are absolutely correct: you do not have to give them a "plus one." Nope Not at all! None of us will tell you that you do! You know what you DO need to do? Invite their significant other BY NAME on the envelope of the invitation. That is not a "plus one." It's not "go ahead and bring whatever bed warmer you feel like that particular day." It IS "bring the person with whom you consider yourself to be a social unit." No "and guest," no "plus one." Just "Dearest Friend of Mine, and Person You Love." If you cannot invite them BOTH, you invite NEITHER. Trim COUPLES, not significant others. THEY ARE SIGNIFICANT TO YOUR GUESTS, THEY SHOULD BE SIGNIFICANT TO YOU!

CandaceAnnetteG · April 2014

Be honest and tell them how it is. I had to do the same thing with my wedding. If we invited everyone we knew +1 this wedding would never happen. My fiance and I are the ONLY people paying for our wedding, hence tight budget. We invited people we love and want to see there. I understand plenty of people will not want to attend a wedding alone. But if family and/or friends decline based on that, they really aren't friends or good family members. This wedding is to celebrate YOUR union and YOUR happiness not their comfort. They can't be alone for 5 hours? You don't have to go by the traditional "Rules." This is 2014 and it's your money and your occasion. I told the few people who did not get a +1 that it may open up later on, but for now it's just you. And hey, if they don't want to go, fine. That means you can invite someone else.

aapinon98 · April 2014

I think it depends on the couple..
I feel like some people are more reasonable and understanding than others. I'm planning my ceremony and have a limit of only 80 people. Friends understand that we prefer family first and then our closest friends.
We have a couple that is getting married this summer and we're better friends with the wife to be.
We explained the situation to them and the husband to be completely understood our situation. (But then again he's also been to quite a few weddings and know the best part is the reception so he was totally fine with that). So she will be coming to the ceremony and then he will join us for the reception.
Another couple on the other hand, we don't know the wife too well. More of a "hello how are you?" basis. But after talking to the husband he was a little upset and would prefer his wife there at the ceremony. So we accommodated.
I would suggest explaining the situation, maybe removing certain people?
It's your special day. But if it's going to cause a rift then maybe finding a new venue is best...

phira · April 2014

CandaceAnnetteG said:

Be honest and tell them how it is. I had to do the same thing with my wedding. If we invited everyone we knew +1 this wedding would never happen. My fiance and I are the ONLY people paying for our wedding, hence tight budget. We invited people we love and want to see there. I understand plenty of people will not want to attend a wedding alone. But if family and/or friends decline based on that, they really aren't friends or good family members. This wedding is to celebrate YOUR union and YOUR happiness not their comfort. They can't be alone for 5 hours? You don't have to go by the traditional "Rules." This is 2014 and it's your money and your occasion. I told the few people who did not get a +1 that it may open up later on, but for now it's just you. And hey, if they don't want to go, fine. That means you can invite someone else.

The OP is not required to let single guests attend with plus ones. However, a significant other is NOT a plus one, and it's rude not to invite them.

And for the millionth time, if you'd even read the thread: It's not just YOUR day when you're inviting people to an event you're hosting. You're hosting an event? You need to host your guests well.

And inviting someone else when a guest declines = B-listing = also rude.

Viczaesar · April 2014

CandaceAnnetteG said:

Be honest and tell them how it is. I had to do the same thing with my wedding. If we invited everyone we knew +1 this wedding would never happen. My fiance and I are the ONLY people paying for our wedding, hence tight budget. We invited people we love and want to see there. I understand plenty of people will not want to attend a wedding alone. But if family and/or friends decline based on that, they really aren't friends or good family members. This wedding is to celebrate YOUR union and YOUR happiness not their comfort. They can't be alone for 5 hours? You don't have to go by the traditional "Rules." This is 2014 and it's your money and your occasion. I told the few people who did not get a +1 that it may open up later on, but for now it's just you. And hey, if they don't want to go, fine. That means you can invite someone else.

If you don't invite your family and friend's significant others, YOU are the one not being a friend or good family member. You sound selfish and self-centered.

happywiggle · April 2014

aapinon98 said:

I think it depends on the couple..
I feel like some people are more reasonable and understanding than others. I'm planning my ceremony and have a limit of only 80 people. Friends understand that we prefer family first and then our closest friends.
We have a couple that is getting married this summer and we're better friends with the wife to be.
We explained the situation to them and the husband to be completely understood our situation. (But then again he's also been to quite a few weddings and know the best part is the reception so he was totally fine with that). So she will be coming to the ceremony and then he will join us for the reception.
Another couple on the other hand, we don't know the wife too well. More of a "hello how are you?" basis. But after talking to the husband he was a little upset and would prefer his wife there at the ceremony. So we accommodated.
I would suggest explaining the situation, maybe removing certain people?
It's your special day. But if it's going to cause a rift then maybe finding a new venue is best...

Did you read the thread at all?

happywiggle · April 2014

CandaceAnnetteG said:

Be honest and tell them how it is. I had to do the same thing with my wedding. If we invited everyone we knew +1 this wedding would never happen. My fiance and I are the ONLY people paying for our wedding, hence tight budget. We invited people we love and want to see there. I understand plenty of people will not want to attend a wedding alone. But if family and/or friends decline based on that, they really aren't friends or good family members. This wedding is to celebrate YOUR union and YOUR happiness not their comfort. They can't be alone for 5 hours? You don't have to go by the traditional "Rules." This is 2014 and it's your money and your occasion. I told the few people who did not get a +1 that it may open up later on, but for now it's just you. And hey, if they don't want to go, fine. That means you can invite someone else.

You know who's being fitting the bolded description? Hint, it's not your friends/family who decline due to your rudeness.

MobKaz · April 2014

aapinon98 said:

I think it depends on the couple..
I feel like some people are more reasonable and understanding than others. I'm planning my ceremony and have a limit of only 80 people. Friends understand that we prefer family first and then our closest friends.
We have a couple that is getting married this summer and we're better friends with the wife to be.
We explained the situation to them and the husband to be completely understood our situation. (But then again he's also been to quite a few weddings and know the best part is the reception so he was totally fine with that). So she will be coming to the ceremony and then he will join us for the reception.
Another couple on the other hand, we don't know the wife too well. More of a "hello how are you?" basis. But after talking to the husband he was a little upset and would prefer his wife there at the ceremony. So we accommodated.
I would suggest explaining the situation, maybe removing certain people?
It's your special day. But if it's going to cause a rift then maybe finding a new venue is best...

OK. It's early and I am doing this without benefit of coffee. Are you saying you were not even going to allow MARRIED couples to attend together. GET OFF THE ETIQUETTE BOARD!!! Kindly take @CandaceAnnetteG with you as your +1!

artbyallie · April 2014

aapinon98 said: I think it depends on the couple..
I feel like some people are more reasonable and understanding than others. I'm planning my ceremony and have a limit of only 80 people. Friends understand that we prefer family first and then our closest friends.
We have a couple that is getting married this summer and we're better friends with the wife to be.
We explained the situation to them and the husband to be completely understood our situation. (But then again he's also been to quite a few weddings and know the best part is the reception so he was totally fine with that). So she will be coming to the ceremony and then he will join us for the reception.
Another couple on the other hand, we don't know the wife too well. More of a "hello how are you?" basis. But after talking to the husband he was a little upset and would prefer his wife there at the ceremony. So we accommodated.
I would suggest explaining the situation, maybe removing certain people?
It's your special day. But if it's going to cause a rift then maybe finding a new venue is best...
I guarantee they don't 'completely understand.' I guarantee they think you're being rude and are likely telling other people that, but not you.

happywiggle · April 2014

mobkaz said:

aapinon98 said:

I think it depends on the couple..
I feel like some people are more reasonable and understanding than others. I'm planning my ceremony and have a limit of only 80 people. Friends understand that we prefer family first and then our closest friends.
We have a couple that is getting married this summer and we're better friends with the wife to be.
We explained the situation to them and the husband to be completely understood our situation. (But then again he's also been to quite a few weddings and know the best part is the reception so he was totally fine with that). So she will be coming to the ceremony and then he will join us for the reception.
Another couple on the other hand, we don't know the wife too well. More of a "hello how are you?" basis. But after talking to the husband he was a little upset and would prefer his wife there at the ceremony. So we accommodated.
I would suggest explaining the situation, maybe removing certain people?
It's your special day. But if it's going to cause a rift then maybe finding a new venue is best...

OK. It's early and I am doing this without benefit of coffee. Are you saying you were not even going to allow MARRIED couples to attend together. GET OFF THE ETIQUETTE BOARD!!! Kindly take @CandaceAnnetteG with you as your +1!

Wow, I did read that right this morning. I figured it was the lack of coffee at the time making me read that. I need a fly swatter for these flies!

grumbledore · April 2014

The only thing I would "completely understand" if I was invited to a wedding without my SO is that the bride and groom were a couple of selfish, entitled little brats and then I would "completely understand" how to decline to attend and probably not talk to them anymore.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

dianawbghs said:

Unless they are in a long-time relationship, engaged, or married, you don't have to give every single guest a plus one. It's nice to go to a wedding with your significant other, but it's your day and your money not theirs. Guests are invited to come and celebrate your new beginning. I would say that your budget can only allow so many and you wanted your family and closest friends to celebrate your special day with you. You can wait and see who RSVP's, and if there's space, then you can start telling certain people they can bring a guest.

Define long-term. DH and I met in August, started talking about marriage in October, got engaged in December, got married the following October. At which point would we have been 'long-term' enough for you?

CandaceAnnetteG said:

Be honest and tell them how it is. I had to do the same thing with my wedding. If we invited everyone we knew +1 this wedding would never happen. My fiance and I are the ONLY people paying for our wedding, hence tight budget. We invited people we love and want to see there. I understand plenty of people will not want to attend a wedding alone. But if family and/or friends decline based on that, they really aren't friends or good family members. This wedding is to celebrate YOUR union and YOUR happiness not their comfort. They can't be alone for 5 hours? You don't have to go by the traditional "Rules." This is 2014 and it's your money and your occasion. I told the few people who did not get a +1 that it may open up later on, but for now it's just you. And hey, if they don't want to go, fine. That means you can invite someone else.

All of this is just such fucking rude, wrong, bullshit. I'm pretty sure by the time your wedding is over, you won't have any friends, because they're all going to be like, 'OMFG, did you see how HORRIBLY Candy treated us? She is SO FUCKING RUDE! I can't believe ANYONE would be so rude. Well, we are just never ever inviting her and her rude-ass husband anywhere ever again.'

And you will deserve that.

aapinon98 said:

I think it depends on the couple..
I feel like some people are more reasonable and understanding than others. I'm planning my ceremony and have a limit of only 80 people. Friends understand that we prefer family first and then our closest friends.
We have a couple that is getting married this summer and we're better friends with the wife to be.
We explained the situation to them and the husband to be completely understood our situation. (But then again he's also been to quite a few weddings and know the best part is the reception so he was totally fine with that). So she will be coming to the ceremony and then he will join us for the reception.
Another couple on the other hand, we don't know the wife too well. More of a "hello how are you?" basis. But after talking to the husband he was a little upset and would prefer his wife there at the ceremony. So we accommodated.
I would suggest explaining the situation, maybe removing certain people?
It's your special day. But if it's going to cause a rift then maybe finding a new venue is best...

You are rude and baffling. The reception is the expensive part; that's usually the part you DON'T want extra guests for. So you're OK with paying to feed him and for him to drink (unless you're so tacky as to be having a cash bar or a potluck reception), but not to have him witness the ceremony?? WHAT???

To this thread, to these crazy-ass rude posters, to the 'IT'S MY DAY, DAMMIT!' speshul snowflakes, I have to say:

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

Can we STFU with all this "were the only poor souls finding OUR wedding so money is really tight!" Bullshit! Welcome to the real world folks, where adults pay their own bills! Money is NEVER an excuse to treat your loved ones so poorly. Budgets can always be tweaked and priorities can be shifted. But telling your nearest and dearest that the person they love most is not welcome is NEVER OKAY.

Sadly the only way this era of selfishness will change is when people start sticking up for etiquette and themselves. Invited without your SO? Decline and tell them why if you're asked. These special snowflakes live in a fairy tale land and maybe once they start seeing the consequences first hand they'll get their heads out of their rainbow scented asses. But probably not, they'll just whine about how rude everyone is to them. I guess I'm in fairy tale land on this one.

happywiggle · April 2014

acove2006 said:

Can we STFU with all this "were the only poor souls finding OUR wedding so money is really tight!" Bullshit! Welcome to the real world folks, where adults pay their own bills! Money is NEVER an excuse to treat your loved ones so poorly. Budgets can always be tweaked and priorities can be shifted. But telling your nearest and dearest that the person they love most is not welcome is NEVER OKAY.

Sadly the only way this era of selfishness will change is when people start sticking up for etiquette and themselves. Invited without your SO? Decline and tell them why if you're asked. These special snowflakes live in a fairy tale land and maybe once they start seeing the consequences first hand they'll get their heads out of their rainbow scented asses. But probably not, they'll just whine about how rude everyone is to them. I guess I'm in fairy tale land on this one.

You know, if I can figure out how to afford a wedding where I can accommodate ALL SOs no matter how long they were together, I don't see why these SS's can't figure it out. We don't live together, so we pay two rents. We travel to see each other weekly (200 mile each way plus tolls), I pay hefty student loan bills, my rent in a boston suburb is a huge chunk of my take home pay, etc., etc. I can't stand the "we can't afford it" excuse because if I can afford it (and I HATE living on a strict budget), then others can figure it out. End rant.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

Somebody please, PLEASE tell me these were all April Fools Day trolls. For crying out loud.

Public service announcement - if anyone EVER invites me to a wedding and not my FI/H, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. Even if I tell you to your face "oh it's ok, you special little sweetie you, OF COURSE your situation is unique and you just do what you want on YOUR SPECIAL DAY."

However, friends who've gotten married lately (past several years) who called and said something like "hey Lolo, I'm addressing wedding invitations... are you still seeing that guy you mentioned you had a first date with a couple weeks ago? Shall I include him on your invitation? How do you spell his name?" AWESOME-EST FRIENDS EVER.

How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

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