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Anybody experience this? Friend getting married...


Re: Anybody experience this? Friend getting married...

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't really know what you want from this post. You need to let your jealousy go because eventually it will start to affect your friendship. You and your BF are choosing not to move forward right now and you have good reasons for that. Your friend and her FI have chosen a different path. It's not worth being jealous over. Just stop comparing your relationships. Every time you start to think it, tell yourself you're being stupid and stop.

  • Birdeye723Birdeye723 member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited March 2014
    Yes I fully agree. I posted this just to hear others opinions and specifically ones who have went through the same thing. I just wanted to hear tips and what others have done to get over it and to maybe hear I'm not alone either. That's really all I wanted from this - which I got from most. I already knew my position and how I felt and what was wrong. I'm sorry if I over complicated with my long post but I wanted to explain the back story to why I feel the way I do.

    ETA - Wanted to say that it's not as easy for me to just tell myself what I'm thinking is stupid and to get over it. I usually have to have a process. Which is exactly why I wanted to hear others opinions to see if there was something out there that would help more.
  • It's a little frustrating that people seem to think I wanted all these big explanations to my problems and I felt I was pretty clear in my OP, I just asked for tips? Experiences? And then after several posts, it comes back to that. I was always trying to keep it light and not go into all this heavy stuff that I already knew. So I apologize for my part in complicating that if I did, but that's all I wanted from this.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Whenever you post something on the internet people are going to comment on whatever they want. Posters saw things of concern in your post and addressed them. Honestly, the fact that all of your posts are SO long just gives people even more to comment on. If you don't want people to comment on something, don't post about it.

  • Yes, and I responded to people posting what they want, in turn posting what I want. I handled people pointing out potential flaws in my relationship or situation. I don't feel defensive at all, I am simply trying to explain that some things that are pointed out are not the case.There were a lot of posts I agreed with too. I'm not hiding anything. At this point I feel like people already think a certain way about me and my posts and there's no coming back. In the same way that you want me to think about what's been said and to think about my situation, maybe it would be good too to think I wasn't responding or saying things the way you interpreted or maybe there was too much reading through the lines. In the future, I will keep things simple and not share so much about the situation. I realize now I should have just asked for people's experiences, maybe that would have been better.
  • Phira, it's a little bit of everything. Yes, personally I feel as though we should be farther along. Yes, I feel like my friend is moving a bit too quickly but I'm not in any position to say anything about that since I'm not in her relationship and maybe they are ready. There are particular things about what they've done together that I wouldn't agree with at all. So in my head I suppose I do feel a bit superior at times since I agree more with what we're doing. Is this appropriate, no. So, trying to get over that and not compare.

    And yes, my friend's relationship is definitely amplifying feelings of dissatisfaction. Not because I really don't agree with what we're doing or secretly I'm unhappy - it's just because I feel ready emotionally and mentally but am not with other factors.

    I appreciate the help, that's what I need. I just don't want to feel as though people think I'm being a snotty brat who thinks I'm better than my friend for just being together longer with my BF and because she's doing what I want to be doing. I really don't feel that way about her or her relationship. Having that said, I do think having a slight moment of feeling better helps me. But just because it gives me more confidence for a moment that I'm doing everything right for myself and my relationship...not because I feel better than her particularly, just in general that I'm doing the best for myself. If that makes sense?

    And this is in those moments that I have weakness about the situation. Most of the time I am fine and happy with my life and my friend's...

    SITB: OP, is this the first time you have felt like this? If not, I would advise seeking counseling. Not because the way you feel is a horrible thing, but because talking with a professional might help more than what we can help with. It might give you a whole new perspective. No one here is trying to be rude, just blunt and honest. Sometimes it's the tough love and bluntness that really helps a person the most. I really hope it gets better for you. It's something we all feel at a point in our lives, but what you decide to do with the way you take things is your call. I wouldn't let it really let what others have effect the way I feel about my life/situation/relationship. It's bad juju. Go out and be happy! :) 
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  • Thank you Emmy. And yes this is the first time I've dealt with something like this. I'm not good with mixed feelings :) I have seriously thought about counseling if this doesn't get better and I'm open to it. Wasn't looking for serious help, just experiences from others if any. Thank you for your post :)
  • I've been going through the same situation the last couple of years.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year longer than my BBF has been with her husband. This doesn't seem like too much now that we're going on four years, but at the time, it made a huge difference. My friend got engaged after being with her boyfriend for 3 months (I'd been with mine for about a year) and we were 18 at the time. Now, there was absolutely no logical reason for me o get jealous of her.. It was insane for her to get engaged that young, and that quickly! She had to battle her family the entire engagement because they were supportive (and really, who would be?) But something gets to you about it, and it's hard to let go of the emotions involved.

    A couple years later, and my boyfriend and I are now living together and very happy. My best friend is married and facing a whole new set of difficulties. She's just given birth to her first son, which is awesome, but it will be extremely taxing to try to parent, work, and finish undergraduate school. She's 20 years old. I am 2 months away from graduating and going into my master's program!

    Basically, she chose the more difficult path for her life. She has a lot more to deal with due to her choices. It sounds like you and your friend are in the same boat. You will get there eventually, you just need to remember that when you get there, it will still feel just as amazing! And it may even make your future easier because you took your time.
    "Love is hard and love is messy and it can hurt worse than fire, and sometimes it makes you wanna tear down a building with your bare hands, but it also happens to be the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole."

  • I spent much of my senior year of college consumed by jealousy of a roommate who met my crush when I invited him to my 21st birthday party and then proceeded to bang him incessantly, marry him, and have his babies before I was even engaged. I wish I could say I dealt with this with grace, but no, I was totally insecure and falling-apart and pitiful.

    I would give you and my past self similar advice: it's OK to feel jealous sometimes. Don't blame yourself for your feelings. Instead, let the feeling pass through you and remind yourself that you can't really know what someone else's life is like. Someone who seems blissfully happy might not be. Then, it might help to write down some affirmations -- things you're thankful for and love about yourself -- to read or remember when you're feeling down.

    Getting married this year after 8 years of dating and lots of friends who beat me to the altar (and some who beat me to divorce also!) Everybody has a different timeline.
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