• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Etiquette

So lost at FMIL's offer.

I have a dilemma. We were originally planning a Valentine's day wedding because the venue we were interested in had the best rates around then. Then, they told us that because it falls on a Saturday this year, it will cost us $2,000 more. That's a lot, considering that our budget is around $10,000.

So we've been considering different options and MIL offered her house to us (it's really nice and has a vineyard in the backyard), and offered to take care of the tent and chairs alleviating the reason we were looking to host at a restaurant or venue (so we didn't have to pay for a tent).

Then, her daughter got engaged and she originally lightly suggested we get married on the same day. We thought she was joking, but she wasn't. Now, she's saying we either have to get married on the same day, or we have to get married this year (2014) as to not conflict with their daughter's wedding (they haven't set a date either).

I thought I was ok with planning for this year if it were in the fall, but now I'm being told we're basically too late to buy dresses for this year and I just started crying the other day. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was but... I lost it.  Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

How does it get from her welcoming me to the family and telling me she loves me on my birthday to me being so terrible? why is her daughter so much more important than us? I just feel sick
image
«1

Re: So lost at FMIL's offer.

  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 Deep in the Heart of Texas member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    FMILs. What is wrong with these women?

    Because of her attitude towards you and her son getting married, I personally would decline the offer of her home.

    If valentines day this upcoming year is out of budget, maybe you can find another day that falls on a Friday or Sunday that is special to you both?

    Sorry you are being stressed out by her. My FMIL has threatened many times to not come to the wedding because FI and I made plans to visit venues without consulting her.

    image   image   image

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014

    I have a dilemma. We were originally planning a Valentine's day wedding because the venue we were interested in had the best rates around then. Then, they told us that because it falls on a Saturday this year, it will cost us $2,000 more. That's a lot, considering that our budget is around $10,000.

    So we've been considering different options and MIL offered her house to us (it's really nice and has a vineyard in the backyard), and offered to take care of the tent and chairs alleviating the reason we were looking to host at a restaurant or venue (so we didn't have to pay for a tent).

    Then, her daughter got engaged and she originally lightly suggested we get married on the same day. We thought she was joking, but she wasn't. Now, she's saying we either have to get married on the same day, or we have to get married this year (2014) as to not conflict with their daughter's wedding (they haven't set a date either).

    I thought I was ok with planning for this year if it were in the fall, but now I'm being told we're basically too late to buy dresses for this year and I just started crying the other day. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was but... I lost it.  Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

    How does it get from her welcoming me to the family and telling me she loves me on my birthday to me being so terrible? why is her daughter so much more important than us? I just feel sick
    -----WTF TK?  Quote boxes not working again!


    Yikes.  She's the crazy one for blocking out an entire year for her daughter's wedding that doesn't even have a date set yet!

    I think your Fi is right.  Take the extra time you need and don't use her house.  Sounds like you want to stay far away from the crazy vibes.  I'm sorry you're going through all this stress. :-/
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    grumbledorePrettyGirlLost
  • I'm your FMIL is being like that. I would decline her offer and take the time you want to plan your wedding.
    grumbledore
  • Would you assume she's going to let this roll off her back if we decline her offer?  I really don't want to be on a bad footing with the family. I don't have much family of my own.
    image
  • I think you are probably right about strings attached. She priced out a tent and chairs for 175 people. Our goal was 30-50 people (max).

    We don't even remotely have the budget for 175. We barely have it for 30, 50 is like what we'd have if parents helped us. 

    She told us she was working on her guest list last week and I didn't know what to say to that. Why does she have a guest list? Isn't that our job to create?
    image
  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 Deep in the Heart of Texas member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer

    I think you are probably right about strings attached. She priced out a tent and chairs for 175 people. Our goal was 30-50 people (max).

    We don't even remotely have the budget for 175. We barely have it for 30, 50 is like what we'd have if parents helped us. 

    She told us she was working on her guest list last week and I didn't know what to say to that. Why does she have a guest list? Isn't that our job to create?

    I would tell her "we can accommodate 15 guests from your side - whom would you like me to invite?" then she can rage all she wants about how her friends from a church 8 years ago in a different city aren't being invited (like mine is...) But at least you've given her a number to abide by and not lose control of the guest list.

    image   image   image

    luckysnorkelPrettyGirlLostwhitney37354[Deleted User]
  • Your FMIL is WAY out of line.

    I feel sorry for her daughter...we, as Brides and Grooms, get ONE DAY-that's it-to celebrate our love in the manner we see fit (assuming properly hosting, etc.). I LOVE my FI's sibling, but if I had to share our wedding day with them? Uh-Uh. Nope.

    You and your FI should plan something small, make YOUR OWN guest lists between the two of you, and THEN you can tell your parents how many invites they can request.

    Also, it IS possible to get a dress before the Fall season this year. But you should take a step back with FI and determine what kind of wedding celebration the 2 of you would like to have, and what you can afford. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    PrettyGirlLost
  •  Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

    Then that's on her. 

    I'd plan on next year, or whenever you want, and find your own venue.  If his mom is so childish that she can't handle it, then so be it.

    Officially hitched as of 10/25/13

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

     

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

     

     

    luckysnorkelPrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • What about sitting down with her and telling her that you started dress shopping to try to accomodate a fall wedding and was told that it's too late to get a dress in time. Tell her with a smile while you appreciate the idea of a dual wedding you wouldn't want to take away from her daughter's special day so it would be better to have seperate dates and that if the cost of her daughter's wedding means that she isn't able to contribute what she originally said she would, that's ok, you'll figure something out.

    Yes, it's a bunch of you're not crazy, we'll figure this out talk but basically what other option do you have? I wonder how much of it is that she can't give you what she said she would plus contribute the way she would like to for her own daughters wedding.

    anndee2020
  • Your FMIL is bat shit crazy. DO NOT accept anything from her as it will not be worth it in the end. And it sounds he is, but I would make sure that your FI is on the same page as you because this could go downhill super fast if he starts siding with her.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • ei34ei34 member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your FMIL is SO in the wrong! Sorry for all the stress she's causing you! I would definitely back away from any of her offers to help, just graciously decline. You and your FI should go back to the drawing board and plan the wedding you two want and can afford, simply bc it sounds like FMIL's offer has too many strings attached. Best of luck!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think you need to step out of this and have your fi deal with his family. He should be the one to say that you can't plan in a year and you are having it elsewhere. He should demonstrate that he has your back 100%. 
    PrettyGirlLostcrunchymamaof2 jules3964
  • ShellD13ShellD13 Can't get there from here member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    You've gotten great advice.  FMIL is way out of line.  Take the time to plan the wedding you want and can afford.

    It reminds me of the ton of guilt my parents and siblings subjected me to when my former FI and I selected a date 1 1/2 months after we got engaged and as it turned out the date was a month before the one my older sister and her FI picked after being engaged for 4 years.  I got everything from "you are trying to upstage older sister....to you are stealing her day..."  I'm sorry they had been engaged for 4 years and hadn't picked a date until after I got engaged and picked a date with my FI at the time - and I'm upstaging HER?!?!?  Thankfully I came to my senses before he and I got married and called it off - but it was a miserable time for both of us.

    This time around - I decided to cut all of the "headaches" out.  My FI and I are having a very small very casual wedding that WE have planned from start to finish and we couldn't be happier.
    Anniversary
  • I would just plan for the date you want and tell FMIL thanks but no thanks on her offer. BTW has anyone talked to the newly engaged daughter to see what date she is planning. She may not even want to have a wedding on the same day as yours and then there would not be a date conflict. I would definitely steer clear of any future offers from FMIL. Sound like she just wants to control everyone. It would also be best for your FI to handle his mother in the future.
  • Am I the only one who loves the idea of a double wedding?? I think it would be so fun to share a wedding with my sibling. And how efficient! 

    Just to be clear OP, I'm not saying you should do that. I agree with PPs advice that you should plan the wedding you want within your budget. 
  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Sars06 said:
    Am I the only one who loves the idea of a double wedding?? I think it would be so fun to share a wedding with my sibling. And how efficient! 

    Just to be clear OP, I'm not saying you should do that. I agree with PPs advice that you should plan the wedding you want within your budget. 
    It only works if both couples agree on how the day should go. I can't imagine my step-siblings wanting anything even remotely like what I want. Stepsister married her husband in a small wedding with shotguns and camouflage. FI and I are getting married in a historical church building with antique centerpieces.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    That's awful.

    It wasn't really clear to me - where is your FI in all this?

     

  • Also, if you do decide to get married this year, it is definitely not too late for dresses. My wedding is in a month. I bought my dress one month ago and bridesmaids purchased their dresses a couple weeks ago. All from David's Bridal and all with a small budget. It can be done.

    I hope things settle down and you can enjoy wedding planning.
    emmyg65ashley8918
  • For not even having a date set your FMIL has a lot of demands.  I would say plan on getting married when you originally did.  If your original venue is too expensive move on and find another one.  She cannot tell you when you have to get married.  No one can control who gets engaged when and it's just madness to demand you get married as to leave enough time to focus on her daughter.  I had a similar issue where my FMIL said that we couldn't get married in may 2015 as her youngest son is graduating from college and she needs time to plan his parties and attend the graduation.  So we are marrying the first week of June 2015 because that was the first available date for the venue.  She told us to change it further out because there may be "conflicts" with the graduation.  I told her to shove it had my parents put down a deposit on our June 7, 2015 date.  I hope that you figure out a way to not give into your FMIL needs.  Otherwise you will be doing it for the rest of your life. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm really sorry your FMIL is treating you like this! 

    Decline her offer and her money and plan exactly what you want for next year. 

  • I am getting married next month.  My sister got engaged in February.  She fully intended to have a summer 2015 wedding, as her FI is a teacher so summer is the best time for him, and she felt that summer 2014 was too soon.  The only thing my mother said to her was "i want to help you out financially, but since I've already agreed to help your sister as well, I need to follow through with that.  I probably can't give you the same amount of money as I gave her unless you give me at least a year between the events."  Completely fair statement - sister could have gotten married earlier, she just wouldn't have had as much financial assistace from our mom.  Since she wanted summer 2015 anyway, this wasn't an issue for her at all.

     

    your FMIL is insane.  unless her reason for wanting a year's lead time is because she can't afford to host both weddings otherwise, there's no reason that you have to get married in a different year than her daughter.  But it's BS that she agreed to help you first and then rescinded when her daughter got engaged.  She sounds like a peach - i'd do this on your own time with your own money and move on.

    SP29
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    You should have discussions with FSIL only in the picking a date category.  Once you have both picked out dates that work for the both of you, I wouldn't talk wedding with either FSIL & FMIL.

    How did FI react when FMIL told him she wouldn't attend the wedding if it was next year?  I think the best way to get into FMIL's head about her threatening to not attend, would be for your FI to calmly say, "Well, then you will be missed."  I'm sure FMIL wants to pull the dramatics out so that she can get her way.  If he doesn't overreact to her, she will know she isn't succeeding.

    As for the guest list, prepare FI for what he will say when she gives him her huge list.  "Mom, I'm sorry if there was any confusion. OnionBreath and I are having a small wedding and we have decided on the guest list ourselves.  I'm sorry, but we won't be able to accomodate your list of guests."  And then further decline any money from FIL to host her guests.  "Sorry, but this is the wedding that we want to have."

    PrettyGirlLost
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards