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Trouble in Paradise *Update
I don't have many close friends that I feel I can open up to about everything. I'm on here daily and love you ladies. So, here goes. My FI and I have lived together for about a year. In that year, we have had sex less and less often. I would like to do it more often than he seems to and I also have issues with initiating. He also has a sex addiction and we have had issues with webcam related activities. We have agreed that that sort of thing is not OK in our relationship, but I have still caught him many of times.
He also has a permanent, non-fixable mental condition that affects him in numerous ways, such as impulse control and money management. Our joint account is "two to sign" to get any money out and I also have a chequing account and a credit card that he does not have access to. We have agreed to do it this way so that he does not spend all our money; if he has money in his pocket, it is like he has to spend it and he does. He would go out and get pass out/blackout drunk, buy things for his Xbox, etc. Anyways, if he wants a bit of money to get coffee or he is going out with a friend or whatever, I have no problem giving him some cash. But he has crossed the line a few times by going into my purse without asking me and taking money from my wallet and has even used my credit card without permission.
For the past year or two, we have been seeing a therapist together and separately. I would like to see her more often, but she's a busy lady. I have gotten in contact with someone who specializes in his mental condition and we are setting up a time to meet. I would like to learn more about the mental condition and figure out how other couples deal with it. I would also like to know which of his actions are related or caused by the fact that he has the mental condition.
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling off. I guess depressed or sad would describe it. Some days I think that I should break up with him. Other days I feel like once I learn more about his condition, we can set up a dynamic or something that might work for us. I guess I just am looking for some advice here.
Update in thread
For the past year or two, we have been seeing a therapist together and separately. I would like to see her more often, but she's a busy lady. I have gotten in contact with someone who specializes in his mental condition and we are setting up a time to meet. I would like to learn more about the mental condition and figure out how other couples deal with it. I would also like to know which of his actions are related or caused by the fact that he has the mental condition.
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling off. I guess depressed or sad would describe it. Some days I think that I should break up with him. Other days I feel like once I learn more about his condition, we can set up a dynamic or something that might work for us. I guess I just am looking for some advice here.
Update in thread
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Trouble in Paradise *Update
Is your FI ADD? My son is a severe case, and I would understand this. You are correct. It is not fixable.
I am concerned for you because there seems to be a problem with trust in your relationship. You ask your FI to make promises, but you are aware that he cannot/will not be able to keep those promises.
How can you develop the trust that is needed to make a marriage work?
Some people look for mates who make them feel needed. They hope to fix their partners as a sign of their love. Are you making this mistake? Are you enabling your FI? Are you trying to change him? It does sound like it.
I have a relative who thinks that she is happily married. She has confided in me that she has not had sex with her husband for 18 years. I was shocked! As far as I know, her husband doesn't fool around. He just told her, one day, that the thought of having sex made him sick to his stomach. She seems reconciled to this. I wouldn't be. How would you feel?
I think you are doing the right thing by going to counseling, but counseling won't change who you are. Your FI won't ever be responsible with money, and his internet addiction may get worse. Can you be happy like this? What if you have children together?
I think you are very brave for posting this. There are a lot of divorced people out there who should have asked some of the questions you are asking yourself before jumping into marriage. You cannot make your relationship work by yourself. It takes two.
Love and hugs sent your way.
PM me if I can help.
CMGragin brought up a great point- are you trying to change him? Do you have hopes that he will change? Because he won't. Maybe he will improve slightly, but those traits will always be there, lurking around the corner. If you don't feel like you couldn't be with him [i]exactly the way he is right now[/i] for decades, then you absolutely cannot marry him.
You are really brave not only for posting this but for being honest with yourself and for seeking help. Wishing the best for you.
I am sure this is eating you up, but honestly, there is no way I'd want to babysit an adult for the rest of my life. If you continue this relationship, that's what you are agreeing to.
Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:
http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
As for the sex addiction, my understanding is that sex with me it does not fulfill that for him.
So, I'm not going to fault him. If he has a mental condition that causes these behaviors, then I don't judge. What I will say is, do you really want this life? Can you really see yourself living the rest of your life with someone you have to hide money from, and doesn't get his sexual pleasure from you?
I think you need to focus more on what you want out of your life, and less about trying to have him learn to control his behaviors.
Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:
http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
As I said, my son is severely ADD. He had a difficult birth, breathing problems, and there was some minimal brain damage. I was a stay-at-home Mom for longer than I would have liked because I was putting in extra time for him.
I taught him to admit his mistakes and apologize.
I taught him to explain his muscle twitches (Tourette's) and forgetfulness, but never to use them as an excuse.
He learned to compensate somewhat for his handicap with intensive therapy and planning aids.
This was done while he was a CHILD, not an adult, whose brain is fully formed.
When my son was in the 6th grade, I was visiting the school. He and another boy who was also ADD were running in the hall, and the boys bumped into me and another parent. My son stopped immediately and said ,"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry I did that! Are you hurt? I shouldn't have been running." The other boy said "It's not my fault! I'm ADD!" and ran away.
My son graduated University of Maryland with a degree in engineering, has a high government security clearance, and makes six figures. He still does stupid, impulsive stuff, and he always will. He will always need medication to function semi-normally. His face still twitches occasionally when he's stressed. He never remembers my birthday.
The other boy was sent to a juvenile detention facility for drug dealing by the time he was 15. He never learned to take responsibility for his actions.
Both boys had the same disability.
Fetal alcohol syndrome is a permanent physical disability, like ADD. It is not a mental illness. It cannot be cured. It sounds like your FI has more going on than just that. What does your therapist say?
Doeydo, I think you deserve the best. I sense that you are unhappy. I think you should move out, put your wedding plans on hold, or even cancel, and decide what you really want in a partner. Being in love is not enough. Wanting to help is not enough. You deserve the best.
But those were all things he knew were weaknesses, he just felt powerless to change his habits. He wanted to get better, I gave him the push and counseling gave him the tools. We found a system that worked and now he doesn't need me to babysit him anymore about money and time management. He just needs the occasional gentle reminder. I can manage that. It took adjustment, but I know I can be happy with the way things currently stand. Can you? If this is the best it gets, can you live that way? Don't bank on things getting better. If he has a mental impairment, and counseling and therapy haven't helped yet, they may not. I only hung in there because H was very aware of his limitations, asked for my help, and worked hard to change his habits because HE wanted to. For me, but also for himself.
We had the discussion what if things didn't get better, what if he was the best he was capable of? I told him I didn't think I could live that way, but knowing he was trying like hell would probably help. Fortunately he found methods that worked. But don't go in assuming that will be the case.
One of my good friends had recently decided she's ready to walk away from her husband. He's been an alcoholic for over 50 years, it ruined his first marriage, relationships with his children, and now this marriage. It took her a lot of pain and therapy to realize she either accept him with the alcoholism or move on. They've had good years, but some really difficult ones too. Now more bad than good.
If you stay, you're accepting the lack of trust and intimacy. You might spend nights wondering if he's ok or blacked out somewhere. Do you want children? Do you want to live comfortably and plan for whatever you want: house, travel, retirement without worrying about your money disappearing? Can he be a good life partner to you?
This sounds like something that might not get better, will you be ok with that?
It's unfortunate that he has this condition, but I hope you think about what you want for yourself.