Trouble in Paradise *Update

MairePoppy · April 2014

What's the main goal of your couples therapy? 1. Having him deal with and overcome his sexual addiction and lack of financial responsibility or 2. Having YOU accept and deal with his problems. It seems to me that your fi isn't trying as hard as you are. I'm glad you're getting counseling.

TBH, I think you deserve better than this and it's quite possible that your fi isn't capable of being married.

lc07 · April 2014

I, too, have come to really care for you from watching you post. And I, too, think you're brave for talking to us about this.

I NEED to tell you, from personal experience that loving someone is not enough to make a marriage work.

I don't doubt for a second that you love him and that you want this to work. That doesn't mean that you are compatible for marriage. You have to choose someone who will be your team-mate in life, has a common vision for your future, and is on the same page as you and willing to work their ass off to get back on the same page with you when things slide.

It sounds to me like you want this situation to be something that it isn't. And as much as you'd like to change the situation, it is NOT POSSIBLE to do on your own.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more in detail. I'd be happy to share more personal information with you that way if you think it would help.

singinchick13 · April 2014

@Doeydo

From what I read about his disorder, I can see the impulsive spending/taking money that isn't his, and even the sex addiction as potential side effects, or by products, of this condition. If he does not understand cause and effect (as the article states) then in the moment it will not occur to him that taking money from your wallet will upset you or leave you short on bills, or that gratifying his urges over webcam would be hurtful to you, or possibly take the place of having a thriving sex life with you.

This does not excuse his behaviour, at all, but it does explain it somewhat. Unfortunately, this behaviour will likely not be corrected if he is not capable of understanding at any given time that his actions have consequences. Therapy is excellent, and I think it is very commendable that you have been willing to learn ways to live together and accept one another's shortcomings, but this is something I do not think will change with therapy.

If you accept that and are happy living your life the way things are for the rest of your life, that is your prerogative, but I do have to say you seem (from posts) like an extremely thoughtful, intelligent woman and I personally would hate for someone like yourself to be hurt continually by someone who does not truly conceive of what he has done wrong. I think you deserve someone who is going to make you happy every single day, and even if he has flaws, his flaws will never take away your happiness.

phira · April 2014

I feel like a terrible person saying this, because I really don't know you, and I can never feel exactly what you feel without being inside your relationship--

But it really sounds like you are not happy.

I believe that you both love each other very much, but there are people in this world who would love you, and whom you would love, who would not cause you so much stress and anxiety. As someone who has some very frustrating sexual health problems, meaning I can't have intercourse with my fiance regularly, I know how important it is to make your partner feel loved, and to make sure they're sexually satisfied. It is important.

Therapy is great, but couple's therapy is not helpful when one person is incapable of change. It sounds like he's incapable of change, not because he's a bad, evil person, but because, try as he might, it's just not something that's possible for him. So I'm not sure what couple's therapy can do for your relationship, besides help you find ways to accommodate his needs and cope with the stress of those accommodations.

We all make accommodations for our partners, and plenty of us are in happy, healthy relationships with people who have varying degrees and flavors of mental illness. But there's a massive difference between staying with someone because you're happy, making those adjustments as necessary, and staying with someone because you don't want to be the person who abandons someone for a mental illness he or she is not responsible for.

Blergbot · April 2014

Is he in regular talk therapy or is he seeing someone who specializes in addiction or behavior? It may be that a different approach is needed. That said, I think that you need to put the breaks on any wedding planning. Find out how you feel after he's worked on things for a year or so. Maybe even take some time apart. Be a supporter of his progress, but not his doormat. Then reevaluate whether you can live with this your whole life and whether or not he's made changes and stuck with them (I don't mean you can change who his is, just that he can learn to modify his behavior).

bride2b71614 · April 2014

First off, hugs. I agree with a majority of PPs who are more concerned with your well being than his. You are going to have to make a decision as to whether or not his mental illness will affect your marriage long term, and whether or not this is the type of marriage you want to be in. I think that this situation is not easy and it takes a lot of guts to go to therapy to work it out. For what its worth, I think that its admirable that you want to support him, but you also need to take care of yourself.

Vivandiere8 · April 2014

I have been told all of my dating life that the things that annoy and bother you the most about your significant other will double once you are married. The point being if you are having a hard, difficult time with things before marriage you need to realise it will not get easier after. You never hear someone say "some how the dirty socks on the floor stopped bothering be after I said "I do"". But you are not even talking about dirty socks. You are talking about things far more serious, and they are probably the things that are on almost everyones list of what they would and wouldn't want in a spouse. As others have said I don't want to be mean, and I can only go off of what you wrote, but if I were in your position I would break off the engagement, go back to dating, and I would not get engaged again until the issues were fixed. If they could not be fixed I would have to end it for good. Neither the marriage nor the engagement period should be used for trying to fix major, deal breaking, issues.

jenna8984 · April 2014

I would also like to add, don't let the fear of the unknown have a part in your decision. I know a lot of friends who have told me striaght up that they don't think their boyfriend/ husband is "the one" but that they are too scared to be alone. They are too scared of "what if no one else ever comes along and I never meet anyone, I can't be alone forever". And I know that feeling too. I had a gut feeling that things just weren't right with my ex and I, but I put off breaking up becasue I too felt, what if I never find anybody else that gets me like he does, or loves me like he does? But I knew it was worth the risk rather than end up unhappy in 5-10 years. So just remember to really base your decision on him and your relationship with him, and not factor in any of those feelings of being alone forever. Because I ended up finding the right one shortly after and so did two of my friends in the same position.

emmyg65 · April 2014

Please reconsider this relationship. It sounds like you're not very happy, and it's not terribly likely your situation is going to get better. Yes, it may seem cruel or selfish to leave him because of his illness, but you need to do right by yourself. You are not a martyr. You are not his surrogate mother.

FWIW, I come at this as a person with mental illness of my own. Thankfully, it's currently under control. But I know how bad it can be when it's not, and I would never expect my husband to stay with me if it was out of control again and I wasn't (or couldn't) work to fix it. That's just not fair to him.

It is never selfish to put your own health and wellbeing first.

IMathlete · April 2014

I cannot speak to the FASD, but I did date, and consider marrying, a man who was a sex addict. I will just share my personal story; what you do with this information is your decision to make.

His "problem" escalated through the course of our relationship. It began with chatting, then video messaging, eventually it ended with him in another woman's bed. We, too, sought therapy, but it had no impact whatsoever. I stayed because I loved him, I lacked confidence, and I felt like he needed me. We were together for 3 years.

Eventually I completed checked out of the relationship, and this was what allowed me to break it off. We never got engaged, but I did find out that while I was stepping away from the relationship, he had bought a ring and was planning a proposal. I truly feel I dodged a bullet.

Shortly after we broke it off and he moved away, he got engaged. Within a year he had cheated on her. When he did, he reached out to me. I didn't care.

I only tell you this because many of the emotions you are expressing are the same as my own. I felt lost, unsure, sad, but not sure how (or if) to escape. It was, truly, the best thing I have ever done.

I hope you come to a decision which brings you peace and joy. It's a turmoil that is indescribable, and I do not wish it on anyone.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

(((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have also come to care for you through your posts, and I think posting this took enormous courage and self-awareness.

That being said, I agree with PPs -- you don't sound happy, you don't sound like there is enough good in your relationship to be worth salvaging, and you don't sound like you're in an equal partnership.

Fran made a great point -- there are deal-breakers in relationships and there are prices of admission in relationships. One of the prices of admission in my relationship with DH is that he's always going to be slightly late. That's just how he is. It'll be 8.35 on a Sunday morning, I'll be getting ready for church, he'll be telling me, 'We have to go!' while he's sitting at the kitchen table, I say, 'I'm ready!' and he says, 'OK, I have to brush my teeth and put on my shoes and comb my hair,' and I'm thinking, 'Why weren't you doing that while I was getting ready?!' That's the price of admission. I can deal with that.

But worrying that my partner would steal from me or cheat on me or go out and get black-out drunk would be straight-up deal-breakers.

None of us can answer this question for you, but are you willing to commit, forever, to a relationship which will always have an imbalance, an unequal partnership, trust issues, and an element of baby-sitting?

climbingsingle · April 2014

Oh Doeydo. I'm so sad to read this. I know I haven't been here for a long time, but I've come to care about you and enjoy your posts.

Personally, these would be deal breakers for me. I feel that you deserve more out of a relationship.

I did deal with similar issues with my ex-husband. He didn't have FAS, however, he had a porn addiction and often stole money from me. He also was addicted to weed and video games. I came to understand that he wasn't going to change and I didn't want to spend my life with someone like that.

blabla89 · April 2014

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have much to contribute except lots of hugs and prayers coming your way. You're very brave to post this and it's great that you're seeing a therapist. I know it's hard because you care about your FI, but you need to do what's best for you. The thing is, you can't change people. If your FI is still exhibiting these behaviors now that you're living together, sharing finances, and moving toward marriage, you can't expect him to change just because you get married. I think it would be unwise to marry your FI at this time, knowing that all these problems exist. It may be best to put any wedding plans on hold to give yourself some time to think through it.

ElcaB · April 2014

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I really commend you for confronting the issue instead of trying to ignore it ---- that's very courageous.

I think there are a lot of good points on this thread. You really need to take a step back and decide whether or not this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life. How long have you & FI been together?

I know you mentioned when FI goes on spending sprees he sometimes blacks out or is too drunk to remember. Does his disorder cause him to fail to realize he is stealing from you every time he takes money from your purse? This is very concerning to me, and I ask because if he is doing it in perfect consciousness, I'd recommend leaving him for certain.

beachyone15 · April 2014

I'm really sorry to hear this. I went through a situation where my ex-FI was stealing from me - cash, blank checks, pawning my things, etc. I didn't realize at the time that he had a drug problem - a bad one. All I remember about that relationship was the uneasy, sick feeling I had whenever something else went missing from our apartment. There were a few nights where he never came home and I stayed up all night worried about him. Although our situations are different, I was able to step back from this relationship and ask myself, "can I live this way, even if he gets help?" "does my love for him outweigh these issues?" "can I support him in the way he needs to be supported and still be happy?" "how will this work if we have kids someday?".

I realized in the end that the answer to all these questions was no, I couldn't see myself happy or fufilled in this relationship. The bottom line for me was that I could take care of MYSELF better than he could take care of me. I hope you are able to do whatever it is that will make you happy and really think about your life in the future. I am so happy with my FI now, that I can't imagine still being in that previous relationship. I really wish the best for you!

flyingfoxes · April 2014

I also wouldn't be able to deal with these things. I have no doubt you love your FI, but I know if it were me, the things that I could deal with today would be things that I would resent the hell out of later and I would want out. I'm sorry you're having to deal with these things, but I'm glad you're having these feelings before the wedding.

cambryn · April 2014

Even with a condition, is he taking active steps to make accomodations for it. If he knows he has issues, as a responsible adult he needs to step it up and do what he can to be productive and take ownership of his actions.

He has trouble with impulse control etc- what is he doing to address this and make life manageable? No matter what syndromes he has, he is an adult- and he needs to learn how to cope, without you babysitting.

If he never got better, or even got worse, would you be able to handle that?
Because it's nice if people change- but there is no guarantee they can or will- and you need to be able to accept your future spouse as is. If, as is, you think the situation is perfectly liveable and worth it- good!

If you need things to change in order to be happy, then it's time to do some accessing with a counselor, and your future spouse.

mbross3 · April 2014

OP, I don't know you that well, but I really feel for you. I know what it's like to be in a relationship that doesn't necessarily make you happy, but you feel needed and like it would be selfish to leave. We are all so indoctrinated in the notion that selfishness is BAD. We learn this from a young age; share your toys, don't take two cookies until everyone has had one, etc. But we rarely talk about the times when it's OK, even good, to be selfish. One of those times is with our own happiness and wellbeing. It's ok to think about yourself and your own happiness.

Therapy can be a wonderful thing, but it doesn't magically fix everything. You have to want therapy to help, and you have to be committed to working on your issues. OP, it sounds like you are committed, but your FI has to be 100% committed too, and honestly, it doesn't sound like he is.

You should be in a relationship where you feel wanted, loved, cared for, etc. Many relationships experience times where the amount of sex is lower than at the beginning. For BF and I, it happened when his BIL was diagnosed with cancer. During this time, sex dropped from 1+ times a day, to maybe once a week (if even that). He was going through a lot, and just could not get into the idea of sex. After his BIL passed, it took a bit, but things got back to a more "normal" state. We worked through the grieving and emotional issues together and we became stronger for it. However, he never made me feel unwanted during this time, I never felt like he wasn't attracted to me or that I wasn't "enough" for him.

FWIW sex addictions don't always manifest in the desire for physical sex. People with sex addictions don't always want more physical sex, sometimes they want to watch, or listen, or touch/feel certain things. There's no one way it manifests, and it doesn't mean you aren't attractive it means that your FI wants something that you don't want/can't give him. This is NOT a failing on your end--this is something your FI needs to work out and take control of. Sex addictions are treatable, if not always curable.

I'm sorry this was such a long post, basically all I am trying to communicate to you is that your happiness is important. This is your life and you only get one go at it. It can be hard, but you need to learn to put your self first and give some serious thought to what would make you happy. You can't change your FI, only he can do that. If he doesn't commit himself to change, is he a person you could actually be happy and find fulfillment with?

phira · April 2014

I think it's worth pointing out that if he didn't have FASD, and this was how he behaved and treated you, I don't think you'd feel the same kind of pressure to stay in the relationship. It's true that FASD means that this isn't something he can stop doing very easily, but whether he wants to stop or not ... he's not stopping.

Basically--if he didn't have FASD and he was spending money uncontrollably to the point where you were worried about him stealing from you, and he wouldn't sleep with you while also being a sex addict ... would you still want to be in the relationship?

Fran1985 · April 2014

On a lighter note I just want to say you always have super helpful picture posts. I feel like I've saved half of the things you post and I'm not even the one asking the questions! hope you are feeling better today

SBmini · April 2014

After reading through this thread- if I'm to be completely honest here- your fiance does not sound like a person who can successfully be married. That's not your fault nor is it your problem to fix. The impacts of his disease effect trust- the core pillar of a strong relationship- and his ability to be your other half. You will always be protecting and helping him. But what about when you need help and protecting? You've said that you don't have many close women friends. I worry that you will not have the support system you need because of your fiance's impairments.

You need to be completely honest with yourself. If nothing else changes. If he stays exactly as he is today- will you be happy? You want to be happy marrying the person you have now, not some abstract future person that may be. If you aren't happy now- then please, save yourself a lot of trouble and get out.

Couggal12 · April 2014

I want to send you all the hugs right now.

PP have covered a lot of excellent points. I don't think I could be strong enough to deal with something such as this my entire life. I need a partner who is in the relationship as much as I am and who would never lie or steal from me.

Think of your life in a year. Now 10 years. Will you be happy? Or will you be in the same situation you're in now? You deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life and I don't think you can with a partner who isn't satisfied with you intimately and has stolen from you in the past and does have the tendency to do it again.

Hisprinc3ss · April 2014

Step back and evaluate the situation. Marriage is something that should not be taken lightly. Evaluate your situation without the emotional attachment. Your fiance does not sound mature enough to enter into a lifetime commitment. These are HUGE RED FLAGS! DO NOT AVOID THEM! Know your worth! Do not become his enabler.

Sincerely,
Tough Love

doeydo · April 2014

Thank you all for your replies. I care for you all, too.

I do not plan on ever having kids and he never wants them, so that won't be a problem.
The therapist we are seeing started off a family physician then she got her psychiatrist degree, I believe, She also specializes in sex and couples therapy. She knows about his FASD, but does not specialize in it; she understands what him having FASD means and everything. I guess the goal of our couples' therapy is to build my trust and talk about and work through our problems.
As for if nothing changes, will I be happy? I don't think so. I love him, but it can be really hard sometimes. I am scared of being alone and/or not finding someone who "gets" me like he does or can handle my crazy moments.
I think I need to take some of your good advice and really try to figure out if this is what I want or not. I will not be going forward, such as booking vendors or anything like that. I am hesitant to tell my venue that the wedding is cancelled, so we will see as the date gets closer I suppose.

KatWAG · April 2014

Hisprinc3ss said:

Step back and evaluate the situation. Marriage is something that should not be taken lightly. Evaluate your situation without the emotional attachment. Your fiance does not sound mature enough to enter into a lifetime commitment. These are HUGE RED FLAGS! DO NOT AVOID THEM! Know your worth! Do not become his enabler.

Sincerely,
Tough Love

Did you read the whole post? @doeydo is not taking this lightly, I think that was glaring obvious. And she is taking time to look at the situaion, thus why she is seeking professional help.

Your post really rubs me the wrong way.

Doey, big internet hugs to you

CMGragain · April 2014

Doeydo, I think you should sit down and write a list of thing you need in a relationship. This was my list;
1. lntegrity (Can I trust him?)
2. Intellect (I need a man with brainpower.)
3. Income (Is he employed in a career with a future?)
4. Ability to commit
5. Religion (I am a Christian)
6. Desires children

Now add one more plus: I like tall men.

My DH measured up to my list 100%. Notice that love isn't on the list. That came later, and continues to grow.
My old S/O was lacking in his ability to commit and wouldn't give me the security I needed. Thank God, I didn't marry him. He broke my heart.

phira · April 2014

I promise you that there are other people who totally would get you and handle your "crazy" moments. I felt that way about my first big relationship, and was pretty happy to find that I later met people who got me better than my ex did.

manateehugger · April 2014

doeydo said: Thank you all for your replies. I care for you all, too.

I do not plan on ever having kids and he never wants them, so that won't be a problem.
The therapist we are seeing started off a family physician then she got her psychiatrist degree, I believe, She also specializes in sex and couples therapy. She knows about his FASD, but does not specialize in it; she understands what him having FASD means and everything. I guess the goal of our couples' therapy is to build my trust and talk about and work through our problems.
As for if nothing changes, will I be happy? I don't think so. I love him, but it can be really hard sometimes. I am scared of being alone and/or not finding someone who "gets" me like he does or can handle my crazy moments.
I think I need to take some of your good advice and really try to figure out if this is what I want or not. I will not be going forward, such as booking vendors or anything like that. I am hesitant to tell my venue that the wedding is cancelled, so we will see as the date gets closer I suppose.

Oh man, I think we all worry or did worry about the bolded. But I don't think any relationship should be based largely on fear - either being scared of your fiance or being scared of yourself alone. It sounds like handling HIS bad moments are leaving you depressed and uncertain; remember, this is a two-sided deal, and it's ok to look out for yourself.

There's someone out there. You may just have to go it alone for a bit before you stumble across them.

CMGragain · April 2014

Yeah, it's scary out there. If you never try, you will never know.
I broke up with my DH (who was then my boyfriend) after two years together in high school. I wanted to find "true love". Well, I found it, and it hurt like hell. Seven years later, we reunited and were married.
If it is meant to be, then it can still happen later. By the time I reunited with DH, I had sampled what is "out there", and learned what I really needed and wanted in a relationship. DH regrets the years we were apart, but I do not. I learned so much in those years. I am a much better wife because of my time alone.

bride2b71614 · April 2014

are you both seen by the same counselor that you use for couples therapy for your individual sessions? If so, I would suggest using her for couples therapy and finding a separate treatment provider for yourself. It's expensive and time consuming but I personally wouldn't feel comfortable having the same practitioner as my SO for individualized sessions. I would worry that something I said would be relayed (even though laws prevent this and it's an irrational thought) to my SO. If you feel comfortable with having the same person providing individualized treatment to you and your FI, then it's all good, otherwise I would start looking elsewhere.

Again I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

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