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Kind-of WR: changing last names when you have kids

HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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I know we've all talked about last name changing a bazillion times on here, and I'm not looking to start a discussion about who did or didn't or why or why not, but I do have a question.

DH has a friend, Adam, who is getting married to his HS sweetheart, Eve, next month. Adam and Eve dated all through HS, then broke up toward the end of HS. They both went on to marry other people, and both of those marriages ended in divorce (and one of the ex-spouses landed in jail, but that's another story.)

Eve took her ex-H's last name when they got married. They had two sons, both of whom have the ex-H's (their bio-dad's) last name.

Eve and Adam apparently had a fight this weekend over name-changing. Eve is on the fence about changing her last name to Adam's last name because of her sons. They're already not really keen on the marriage (it's not that they don't like Adam, it's just that they miss their dad and I think they feel like their mom getting married will mean they see their dad even less than they already do, but that's because their father is stationed in JAPAN (by his choice; he asked to be sent there) and only comes home once a year), and she's afraid that her changing her name will set them off.

Adam said, 'You loved your ex enough to take his name, why don't you love me enough to take my name?'
Eve said, 'It's not about not loving you, it's about loving my sons, too.'

Adam texted his side of the story to DH, and Eve texted her side to me, so between the two stories we were able to kind of figure out what happened.

DH is of the opinion Adam is being an idiot about this and that it's just a name. But he doesn't want to tell Adam that because (a) he doesn't think Adam will take it well and (b) he doesn't think it's his place (a position I endorse.)

So, Knotties with kids, what did you decide to do about this, and how did your kids handle it?
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Re: Kind-of WR: changing last names when you have kids

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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    My mom changed her name when she married my dad. It didn't bother me at all--but I am an adult, not a child.

    Adam and Eve should both talk to Eve's sons about how they feel about it. She needs to make it clear to them that her relationship with Adam doesn't have any effect on when they see their dad, or his relationship with them. It's just a name to show that she's married. Let them talk it out.

    This isn't about either Adam or Eve--it's about their family, and it's a decision they should all make together.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    If it were me I would probably hyphenate my last name so it would be ex-married name-new married name.  That way I would still have a name connection with my kids and now a name connection with my new husband.

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    Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    If it were me I would probably hyphenate my last name so it would be ex-married name-new married name.  That way I would still have a name connection with my kids and now a name connection with my new husband.
    This is what my mom did. My sister  and I have my dad's last name and when my mom remarried she hyphenated her 2 married names to keep a connection with us and form a new one with her husband. Now where we are both girls (and I have already changed my name to my married name) she plans on dropping my fathers last name once my little sister marries.
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    If it were me I would probably hyphenate my last name so it would be ex-married name-new married name.  That way I would still have a name connection with my kids and now a name connection with my new husband.
    This was my initial thought, and I mentioned it to DH, who said, 'Yeah, that's the logical answer, but Adam is being a douche-canoe about it and says that it's all or nothing, his name or no change.'

    I said, 'Does he realise that Eve might choose nothing and he's cutting off his nose to spite his face?'

    DH just kind of sighed and rolled his eyes and shrugged.
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    This is something I struggled with...I am going to be remarried and have two small children (will be 6 & 7).  I wasn't sure what to do because I always wanted to have the same name as my girls.  However, after much thought I have decided to take FI's last name and leave the girls as they are.

    Every situation is different.  My girls are just as much a part of me as they are my ex, he is an active part of their lives and what gives me the right to suddenly change their name after 6/7 years?  I will have a different last name, and that's my choice.  If when they are older they choose to change theirs, that's up to them...but I'm not going to rattle the identity of who they are.

    Likewise, they call FI whatever they want to...Usually, they call him by his first name, but occasionally it's 'Dad'.  We don't make a big deal either way because it's whatever they feel comfortable with at that moment.
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    @LDay2014, can I ask you, have you told your girls this and do they seem to be OK with it? What would you have done if they WEREN'T OK with it?

    Eve genuinely wants to take Adam's name. She doesn't want the name of her ex-H still, but she realises it's her boys' name (and always will be; he won't let their names be changed), and that it's their connection to her, so she's sensitive to the fact that they're not OK with her 'giving up' their shared name.

    I can see all of the sides (except Adam's argument that she must not love him as much, because that's just stupid), so I feel for everyone in the situation. 
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    @HisGirlFriday13
    Yes, they know.  They asked about whether or not their name would change and I told them they would keep theirs until they're older and able to decide on their own.

    They don't really have a choice, that's their name.  They are 6 & 7 and like most kids, would move onto something else to whine about within a few minutes :).

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    @LDay2014 -- if they had told you they didn't want YOUR name to change, what would you have done?
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
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    Personally, I believe that there are lot of "traditions" that you can choose to do or not do however you want. Changing or not changing your name is one of these. It's a totally personal decision. 

    However, more importantly, I believe that once you have children then choices you make need to take them into account first. You no longer have the leeway to just do whatever you want. Some women spend their lives daydreaming about being able to take their husbands names...but if doing so affects your children then I believe you should accept the fact that you had kids before you were married, had a failed marriage, or whatever, and that life is not all rainbows and puppies, and you can't have everything you want. 

    I guess that above paragraph would be directed at Adam. He's marrying a woman with children. Life is not all puppies and rainbows. Suck it up and realize that you're not going to have the "perfect situation" you always dreamed of. Life's not perfect. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    If it were me I would probably hyphenate my last name so it would be ex-married name-new married name.  That way I would still have a name connection with my kids and now a name connection with my new husband.
    This was my initial thought, and I mentioned it to DH, who said, 'Yeah, that's the logical answer, but Adam is being a douche-canoe about it and says that it's all or nothing, his name or no change.'

    I said, 'Does he realise that Eve might choose nothing and he's cutting off his nose to spite his face?'

    DH just kind of sighed and rolled his eyes and shrugged.
    If that is really how Adam feels then he is a huge douche canoe. He does realize that marriage is about compromise and this will be the first of many compromises he will need to make in his marriage lifetime.

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    smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    When my mother married my step father, when I was 8, I had no feeling about it. It is what it is. I was old enough to understand that that's what "women do". I wish she had changed mine too because for the next 5.5 months I am still stuck with my biological father's name.
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    smalfrie19 said:
    When my mother married my step father, when I was 8, I had no feeling about it. It is what it is. I was old enough to understand that that's what "women do". I wish she had changed mine too because for the next 5.5 months I am still stuck with my biological father's name.
    Curious, Why didn't you change yours when you got older if you wanted to?
    I hate my ex's last name...it's an anglicized italian mashup that not a single person can pronounce or spell.  My new last name will be 3 letters.  3 :)
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    If it were me I would probably hyphenate my last name so it would be ex-married name-new married name.  That way I would still have a name connection with my kids and now a name connection with my new husband.
    This was my initial thought, and I mentioned it to DH, who said, 'Yeah, that's the logical answer, but Adam is being a douche-canoe about it and says that it's all or nothing, his name or no change.'

    I said, 'Does he realise that Eve might choose nothing and he's cutting off his nose to spite his face?'

    DH just kind of sighed and rolled his eyes and shrugged.
    If that is really how Adam feels then he is a huge douche canoe. He does realize that marriage is about compromise and this will be the first of many compromises he will need to make in his marriage lifetime.
    I don't disagree. I just don't see the point in either me or DH proffering an opinion on this. He's got his mind made up, and unless you're going to tell him something that validates his opinion, he's not interested.

    Good thing I'm used to speshul snowflakes.
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    pipeTsquaredpipeTsquared member
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    I will have a different name to Kids, Me and my siblings have a different surname to our mam and I have Neices and nephews who have their mamas name dont their dads (and vice versa) - All people who didnt change their name on getting married.
    Honestly I dont think I ever cared one little bit that I didnt have the same name as my mam at all. It was just the way it was. Heck I even would correct teaches and things when they called her Mrs Mysurname. 
    It is so so common now to have different surnames in one family - what with different relationships and things, I dont think people care.
    However Mr Adam is going about it the wrong way saying those sort of things doesnt get you anywhere 
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    I don't have kids, but I've always felt that regardless what else happened, I wanted my kids to share my last name, whether that was their father's name or not. (Have had this conversation several times as unmarried pregnant friends of mine debated whose name to give their babies.) As far as getting married after the fact... I would probably have to hyphenate it. Or see if he would take my name (if it was my maiden name that the kid had). Now that I'll be married before there are any possibilities of kids, I'll take his name and they'll share it. 

    Out of the situations I've experienced...
    FI's mom Mrs. Smith was widowed, his sister, also Smith, had a baby Smith but passed away, FMIL adopted baby (nephew-brother) and remarried around the same time. Nephew-brother is still Smith, mom is Smith-Jones, adopted dad is Jones.
    Dated a guy whose mom divorced and remarried. He hated his birth dad, loved step dad, went by step-dad's name socially and changed it legally when he was 18. Didn't feel enough attachment to it to have a wife take it, so if we were to get married he wanted us both to take his mom's maiden name.
    My mom got divorced and remarried several years ago, but kept her maiden name that time because she thought it would offend us less or something, IDK. I didn't care and wasn't consulted.
    Friend got married and kept her maiden name til baby was born; at that time changed maiden to middle and took H's surname. Baby also has her maiden as his middle.

    But I think LDay is spot on, it doesn't matter what the kids think. If she wants so badly to take his name, she could always take her kids' last name as her middle name to share that connection. But it's not up to them, and it's not up to her FI. It's 100% up to her and everyone else needs to get over it. You never know how people will feel about it in time. Make a decision and own it.
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    flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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    edited April 2014
    If she feels that strongly about it, I agree with hyphenating.  The new husband taking the all or nothing approach?  Hope he likes nothing.  As far as her not "loving him enough"?  Way to not love her enough to respect her wishes.
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    lvgirl1000lvgirl1000 member
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    My son and I have my maiden name.  FI will be adopting my son (little on the silly to me as son is 16 but whatevs).  Son is happy with being adopted but adamant about keeping my maiden name.  So I will be taking FI's name & making my maiden name my middle name.  I'm not a lover of hyphens.  
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    carliealissacarliealissa member
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    I realize we've only got one sentence to judge Adam by, but based on it, he sounds like an immature, manipulative creep.  Pressure to change my name would be the surest way to get me to want to keep my own name, or not marry him at all... what's his big deal about it, anyway?

    With that said, if she WANTS to change her name, I don't really see what the kids have to do with it.  Of all the changes they are about to face and have already faced, I don't see why the name their mother goes by is or needs to be a big one.  The kids are always going to be able to come up with some divorce related issue to be upset about.  I like what @LDay2014said about it- here are the facts and we move on. 

     

     

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    smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    edited April 2014
    LDay2014 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    When my mother married my step father, when I was 8, I had no feeling about it. It is what it is. I was old enough to understand that that's what "women do". I wish she had changed mine too because for the next 5.5 months I am still stuck with my biological father's name.
    Curious, Why didn't you change yours when you got older if you wanted to?
    I hate my ex's last name...it's an anglicized italian mashup that not a single person can pronounce or spell.  My new last name will be 3 letters.  3 :)

    I never really made it a priority I guess. I mean I don't like my biological father, but my last name is still familiar to me, its what's on my SS. It makes applying for jobs easier because I don't have to list alias's or anything. Plus, until recently I never really thought about what I would change it to
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    My grandma changed her name when she got re-married. My mom was about 4 and had 3 older brothers. None of them changed their name. I don't think they thought twice because it was just that way at the time. You got married and change the name, so maybe not applicable but a story that might help.

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    VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
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    When my dad married my step-mom he took her last name because she had two sons from a previous relationship with the same last name. He was going to adopt the sons (my brothers) and this way they only had to do one name change and not three. It was no big deal.

    When I was born I was given my dad's last name. When my parents divorced my mom went back to her maiden name (I'm not sure if she ever changed it actually, I have to double check) and I kept my dad's. It wasn't a big deal, because she was still Mom. I probably didn't even realize for awhile we had different last names (I was 4 when they divorced). Then my dad changed his last name. But he was still Dad to me and I thought it was really cool he was willing to take his wife's name and that I was gonna get two brothers out of the deal (I was 11). Later I realized I had the last name of a bunch of family members who no longer spoke to me. So I changed my last name when I was 18. So I have one last name, my dad has another, and my mom another. It doesn't really matter. Trust me, everyone knows we're related. 

    FI will be taking my last name. After her mom divorced her dad, she changed her name and the kid's names. Well her mom doesn't speak to FI anymore (threw her out) and FI is sick of being saddled with her last name. Her dad took his husband's last name, so she decided to take mine.

    I think Eve does need to talk with her sons about name changes and what it means. But Adam needs to grow up. If Eve keeps her name, it doesn't mean diddly. Why doesn't Adam change his last name?
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    The way I understand it (and I'm only getting bits and pieces, mostly from DH, some from Eve) is that Eve wanted to and planned to and was excited about changing her last name to his (she doesn't really like having the last name of her philandering ex-husband), but then the kids pitched a hissy fit about it and accused her of not loving them and wanting to get rid of their connection by changing her name.

    So she thought about not changing it. And then Adam pitched a fit about that because he feels like she babies her sons too much and coddles to them too much and caters to them too much and that she should love him enough to go through with her plan.

    In addition to DH's advice to Adam, my suggestion to Eve when she asked was, 'Bring this up with your minister at your pre-marital counselling session this week, because these are fundamental issues that you two have to figure out.'

    She should just go back to her maiden name and annoy them all equally.
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    phira said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    The way I understand it (and I'm only getting bits and pieces, mostly from DH, some from Eve) is that Eve wanted to and planned to and was excited about changing her last name to his (she doesn't really like having the last name of her philandering ex-husband), but then the kids pitched a hissy fit about it and accused her of not loving them and wanting to get rid of their connection by changing her name.

    So she thought about not changing it. And then Adam pitched a fit about that because he feels like she babies her sons too much and coddles to them too much and caters to them too much and that she should love him enough to go through with her plan.

    In addition to DH's advice to Adam, my suggestion to Eve when she asked was, 'Bring this up with your minister at your pre-marital counselling session this week, because these are fundamental issues that you two have to figure out.'

    She should just go back to her maiden name and annoy them all equally.
    That's what I'd do, honestly.
    Yep, me, too! 

    And again, I can see all sides. They moved their wedding date because her oldest son (12) didn't want them to get married in his birthday month. She caters to them A LOT, in an effort to compensate for their dad being a prick, but she's not really doing them any favours.
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    My mom's first husband (who she took the last name of) was an asshole who cheated on her during their entire marriage.  She had two children with him and the kids took his name.  They divorce, etc. then my mom meets my bio-dad.  They get engaged and get married, my mom changes her last name to her new husband's name and the kids keep their last names.  While the first two kids were growing up, teachers, kids, etc. would always refer to her as Mrs. FirstHusband.  She would correct them but it still happened.  When they had me, I was given my dad's last name.  When my parents separated, my mom wanted to change her name back to her maiden name, but it was too expensive and too much hassle, so she put it to the wayside.  
    I would totally understand if a mother wanted to keep the last name of her children.  I do kind of think Adam is being an idiot, but maybe they just need to talk it out.
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    ArtemischiefArtemischief member
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    When I was 12 and my mom told me she was getting remarried, the very first thing out of my mouth was, "Are you going to change your name?"  

    I was very unhappy.  I would have given a lot to still have that same connection.  I felt like I was being replaced (but maybe that's because at 12 she actually told me that she loved him more than she loves me.)

    I would have been much happier if she had changed to her maiden name.

    Now that I'm older (and hopefully wiser) I understand that she wanted her husband's name, but it does not  change the feelings I had as a preteen.
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    carliealissacarliealissa member
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    phira said:
    Adam is being a douche-canoe.

    The most important thing that comes up every time we discuss name changing here is: It is 100% the decision of the person whose name it is.

    I'm mildly annoyed when I hear stuff like, "He's okay with me keeping my last name," or, "It was important to him that we have the same last name," not because I'm annoyed at the people saying those things, but because I'm frustrated that anyone else's opinion matters. When my partner says, "I'm okay with you keeping your name as it is," I point out, "And what if you weren't?" His opinion isn't less important than mine is--it's irrelevant.

    Which isn't to say that anyone else is WRONG for caring about their partner's opinion. Just that I'm frustrated that partners even get opinions.

    As for the issue at hand, here's how I know that Adam is douching it up.

    1) Eve wants to keep her last name as is because she loves her children and wants to share a last name with them. Adam is painting the situation as Eve wanting to keep her last name as is because she loves her ex more than she loves Adam.

    2) Healthy relationships are about trust and respect. Adam may sincerely believe that Eve keeping her last name means she loves her ex more than she loves Adam, or that she doesn't respect their relationship (whereas sharing a last name would mean she did). However, at best, this belief is misguided. If the only way Adam believes Eve loves him and/or respects their relationship is by changing her last name to his (or if her reluctance to change her name means, to him, that she doesn't love/respect him), then he's not basing love/respect off of the rest of her behavior. Put simply: he should be feeling loved and respected because Eve treats him with love and respect, and not because of what her last name is.

    3) I'd be seriously reluctant to marry someone who was essentially making me choose between my children and him. Obviously, Eve can change her last name and still love her children and have a wonderful relationship with them. My mom went back to her original last name after my parents split, and it's been a non-issue. But when Eve says, "I want to share a last name with my children," and Adam says, "WHAT ABOUT ME," I get super uncomfortable.

    4) Adam clearly is not interested in finding a way for everyone to be comfortable and happy. He doesn't want her to hyphenate? Why on earth not? That tells me his priority isn't sharing a last name (granted, she would be taking his last name--he wouldn't be changing anything; not sure I feel like that's really sharing). It tells me his priority is that Eve has HIS last name, and not THAT GUY'S last name.

    This is basically a huge huge huge red flag. Which seems kind of silly, like ... could something so small really be such a deal-breaker? Especially since Eve is on the fence about changing her last name (and not 100% against it)? But honestly, the way Adam is dealing with the situation is really worrisome. I'd suggest that Eve NOT change her last name, and if Adam doesn't get the fuck over it, counseling or call off the wedding.


    @phira, this is awesome!  Thanks for taking the time to write out everything I was thinking and didn't have the energy to at the time when I just said Adam is an immature, manipulative creep.  3. and 4. are especially great.

    @hisgirlfriday13, clearly there are additional and separate issues going on with her and the kids.  Hopefully this couple realizes there's a LOT more going on beyond just the question of her name, and does address their issues in counseling before the wedding.

     

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