How do you tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding?

laur6327 · May 2014

How do you tell a bridesmaid that you no longer want her in the wedding?

I was talking to one of mine about the wedding and how some of the other bridesmaids stood me up at an appointment and it hurt my feelings. She then proceeded to tell me my wedding wasn't a priority for anyone else but me and that I should just understand even if people make plans with me that I should understand their lives change. I then told her that if it wasn't a priority to anyone else that they shouldn't have accepted my invitation to be a bridesmaid, I mean what is the point of them if they aren't there to help and be supportive? And she said well its May and your wedding is December so you can't expect people to remember this stuff.

She truly hurt my feelings and this isn't the first time either.

I am planning to give her the boot bc I don't want to look back in 10 years and regret having her in all my pictures or running the risk she will hurt me again.

Am I wrong?

JCbride2015 · May 2014

laur6327 said:

How do you tell a bridesmaid that you no longer want her in the wedding?
I was talking to one of mine about the wedding and how some of the other bridesmaids stood me up at an appointment and it hurt my feelings. She then proceeded to tell me my wedding wasn't a priority for anyone else but me and that I should just understand even if people make plans with me that I should understand their lives change. I then told her that if it wasn't a priority to anyone else that they shouldn't have accepted my invitation to be a bridesmaid, I mean what is the point of them if they aren't there to help and be supportive? And she said well its May and your wedding is December so you can't expect people to remember this stuff.
She truly hurt my feelings and this isn't the first time either.
I am planning to give her the boot bc I don't want to look back in 10 years and regret having her in all my pictures or running the risk she will hurt me again.

Am I wrong?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: Kicking her out of the wedding party is a friendship-ending move. You might feel like you have good reasons, but this WILL end your friendship for better or for worse.

Your BMs are a position of honor because you love these women. They don't have to help with your wedding or "support" you during planning. Their only obligation is to buy an appropriate dress within their own budget, show up on time and decently sober, and walk down the aisle. You are honoring them; they are not your helpers.

Nobody will care about your wedding as much as you do. It's great when your friends really care. I see this girl hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. But that's a friendship issue, not a BM issue. If you kick her out of your wedding, you will end this friendship.

Peaseblossom55 · May 2014

Agree with @JCBride2015

silver0319 · May 2014

JCbride2015 said:

laur6327 said:

How do you tell a bridesmaid that you no longer want her in the wedding?
I was talking to one of mine about the wedding and how some of the other bridesmaids stood me up at an appointment and it hurt my feelings. She then proceeded to tell me my wedding wasn't a priority for anyone else but me and that I should just understand even if people make plans with me that I should understand their lives change. I then told her that if it wasn't a priority to anyone else that they shouldn't have accepted my invitation to be a bridesmaid, I mean what is the point of them if they aren't there to help and be supportive? And she said well its May and your wedding is December so you can't expect people to remember this stuff.
She truly hurt my feelings and this isn't the first time either.
I am planning to give her the boot bc I don't want to look back in 10 years and regret having her in all my pictures or running the risk she will hurt me again.

Am I wrong?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: Kicking her out of the wedding party is a friendship-ending move. You might feel like you have good reasons, but this WILL end your friendship for better or for worse.

Your BMs are a position of honor because you love these women. They don't have to help with your wedding or "support" you during planning. Their only obligation is to buy an appropriate dress within their own budget, show up on time and decently sober, and walk down the aisle. You are honoring them; they are not your helpers.

Nobody will care about your wedding as much as you do. It's great when your friends really care. I see this girl hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. But that's a friendship issue, not a BM issue. If you kick her out of your wedding, you will end this friendship.

@JCBride2015 is 100% correct. The only requirements I had for my bridesmaids were to buy a dress (within their budgets), show up at the wedding, and walk down the aisle. That's it.

SewInLoveWithDMB · May 2014

laur6327 said:

How do you tell a bridesmaid that you no longer want her in the wedding?
I was talking to one of mine about the wedding and how some of the other bridesmaids stood me up at an appointment and it hurt my feelings. She then proceeded to tell me my wedding wasn't a priority for anyone else but me and that I should just understand even if people make plans with me that I should understand their lives change. I then told her that if it wasn't a priority to anyone else that they shouldn't have accepted my invitation to be a bridesmaid, I mean what is the point of them if they aren't there to help and be supportive? And she said well its May and your wedding is December so you can't expect people to remember this stuff.
She truly hurt my feelings and this isn't the first time either.
I am planning to give her the boot bc I don't want to look back in 10 years and regret having her in all my pictures or running the risk she will hurt me again.

Am I wrong?

My short answer was going to be: "You don't."

As mentioned, it's totally a friendship ending move.

However- if you mention often enough how important it is for everybody to drop everything for you and that they always have to be "supportive" to everything you plan, there is a good chance that they will drop out on their own accord.

A bridesmaid's sole job is to show up, and you can possibly add to that - in the dress of your choosing.

In NJ, it is very common for bridesmaids to help plan the shower (or even pay for it - depends on the group and the level of the shower), chip in for a group gift at the shower, plan a bachelorette party, and pay for the bride's way at the bachelorette party - and then give a gift at the wedding that is quite possibly above and beyond what other guests give. But, all of these things are NOT REQUIRED of the bridesmaids. If they choose to do any or all of these things for you, you should be thankful. If they do not, you cannot complain (or you will make yourself look like a total ass.)

Good luck with your planning - don't get so personally offended when your bridesmaids aren't able to do absolutely everything.

Jenn7778 · May 2014

You don't in-ask someone to be in your wedding. Like other posters have said it is a friendship ending move. If you cares about her enough to ask her to be in the wedding then I am guessing that she was and is very close to you.

As others have said, it is not our bridesmaids responsibility to help, plan or be your gofer. While it would be nice to have them help if you are asking for it, not everyone has the time to do so.

My bridesmaids are all over the country so it would be impossible for them to be by my side for everything. We are going bridesmaid shopping in August, which is still 14 months before my wedding, because it is the only time they will all be in NJ at the same time.

Try and let things roll off your back more and don't put so much pressure on them or yourself or you're just going to drive yourself crazy.

laur6327 · May 2014

I think everyone completely misunderstood what I wrote. I have never once asked anyone for any help. No one has ever been my "goafer" or "helper" or anything of the sort. I simply only asked for them to buy the dress and i said they can wear whatever shoes they wanted. I have not at any time put any pressure on any of them at all. As far as not expecting them to be supportive? I think that is complete crap, if they aren't there to be supportive and happy for you then what is the point?

It seems like everyone completely misunderstood what I had said. I still stand firmly behind what I said that what she did was extremely hurtful. I never once asked anyone to make this their top priority but it should be expected of them to at least care a little about you as the bride, otherwise having a bridal party is really nothing more than them buying a dress and standing next to you.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

laur6327 said:

I think everyone completely misunderstood what I wrote. I have never once asked anyone for any help. No one has ever been my "goafer" or "helper" or anything of the sort. I simply only asked for them to buy the dress and i said they can wear whatever shoes they wanted. I have not at any time put any pressure on any of them at all. As far as not expecting them to be supportive? I think that is complete crap, if they aren't there to be supportive and happy for you then what is the point?
It seems like everyone completely misunderstood what I had said. I still stand firmly behind what I said that what she did was extremely hurtful. I never once asked anyone to make this their top priority but it should be expected of them to at least care a little about you as the bride, otherwise having a bridal party is really nothing more than them buying a dress and standing next to you.

This is what you said that made it sound like you want help and for your wedding to be a priority for them: "I then told her that if it wasn't a priority to anyone else that they shouldn't have accepted my invitation to be a bridesmaid, I mean what is the point of them if they aren't there to help and be supportive?"

I think you need to realize you've probably gotten your BMs a little tired by talking about your wedding a lot, and asking them for help. Let this girl's comment be a sign to you that you need to back off from the wedding talk with your friends.

And the point of BMs is to honor them as your closest loved ones. Not for them to help you.

laur6327 · May 2014

JCbride2015 I think you are confused. Not only have I not asked them for help I barely ever seen any of them to discuss this. Rather I spend most of the time discussing them and all their events and happenings. And none of my bridesmaids have complained except this one and that is because she is more concerned about being able to buy herself expensive shoes & purses and thought the dress they ALL agreed on for under $200 was still too expensive. If anything I have heard from my MOH and future SIL that I don't talk about it enough and they want to know more of what I have planned!

Furthermore I do/have honored them every step of the way, when I asked them to be in it, it wasn't just a text or a call. I went out and bought them all gifts and wrote them nice cards asking them. I also let them pick out their own dress, decide on their own hair/makeup/shoes/everything.

It's really quite a shame to see other brides act this way and make it seem as if the idea of having a bridal party to support you is such an awful thing. And why is it so awful to want your BM to help you and give you some second opinions? I mean really is it that much to ask? Again, they are my friends first and isn't that something you'd go to friends for as well?

JCbride2015 · May 2014

laur6327 said:

JCbride2015 I think you are confused. Not only have I not asked them for help I barely ever seen any of them to discuss this. Rather I spend most of the time discussing them and all their events and happenings. And none of my bridesmaids have complained except this one and that is because she is more concerned about being able to buy herself expensive shoes & purses and thought the dress they ALL agreed on for under $200 was still too expensive. If anything I have heard from my MOH and future SIL that I don't talk about it enough and they want to know more of what I have planned!
Furthermore I do/have honored them every step of the way, when I asked them to be in it, it wasn't just a text or a call. I went out and bought them all gifts and wrote them nice cards asking them. I also let them pick out their own dress, decide on their own hair/makeup/shoes/everything.
It's really quite a shame to see other brides act this way and make it seem as if the idea of having a bridal party to support you is such an awful thing. And why is it so awful to want your BM to help you and give you some second opinions? I mean really is it that much to ask? Again, they are my friends first and isn't that something you'd go to friends for as well?

Now you're just backtracking though. You said in your OP that you want help and support from your bridesmaids. That they should make your wedding a priority.

Obviously, that's great if they want to do that. If your bridesmaids are asking about the wedding or volunteering to help you, that is wonderful. Enjoy it. But you shouldn't be asking anything of them unless they volunteer first.

Look, I don't really know what you want from us. You asked if you are wrong, and everyone on this thread said that you are wrong. Isn't that what you wanted to know?

Go ahead and kick her out of your bridal party. But you will lose a friend.

laur6327 · May 2014

JCbride2015 Wrong, I never said I wanted help...I said they should be there to help and support you if the bride needed it. I did mention I planned this all myself which would indicate I didn't ask for any help. Asking for help with the appointment came as a request from my FH as he asked me to include his family in some of my appointments.

I also told her this didn't need to be her #1 priority of course but it should still have some level of priority in her life as she was chosen to be a part of a day I put a lot of time into not only for myself but for all of them as well. I am not a bride who was soley focused on herself and that is what you are making me out to be which is completely wrong. I rather instead, planned a lot of my wedding around my family & friends and found ways to make it special for everyone so you should really calm down with your tone.

Also, I did not lose a friend as it was assumed. She admitted she was wrong today and apologized. Again, its really a shame to hear other brides act like this because I can guarantee if anyone treated you this way it would hurt you as well and if you disagree you're only fooling yourself.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

laur6327 said:

JCbride2015 Wrong, I never said I wanted help...I said they should be there to help and support you if the bride needed it. I did mention I planned this all myself which would indicate I didn't ask for any help. Asking for help with the appointment came as a request from my FH as he asked me to include his family in some of my appointments.
I also told her this didn't need to be her #1 priority of course but it should still have some level of priority in her life as she was chosen to be a part of a day I put a lot of time into not only for myself but for all of them as well. I am not a bride who was soley focused on herself and that is what you are making me out to be which is completely wrong. I rather instead, planned a lot of my wedding around my family & friends and found ways to make it special for everyone so you should really calm down with your tone.
Also, I did not lose a friend as it was assumed. She admitted she was wrong today and apologized. Again, its really a shame to hear other brides act like this because I can guarantee if anyone treated you this way it would hurt you as well and if you disagree you're only fooling yourself.

That's nice. So you did not kick her out of the wedding and she's still a BM?

ETA: Wait-- is this person related to your Fi? Double-bad idea then to kick her out. Glad it looks like you did not do it.

ETA again: It's a "shame" to hear other brides answer a question you asked? Gee sorry, I thought this was a wedding advice board. You know, where people ask questions and other people give honest opinions.

laur6327 · May 2014

JCbride2015 no she was not a family member. It was the family member that stood me up. I am totally fine with someone not being able to attend appointments but at least letting me know you aren't coming when you already said yes would have been nice esp since it was on my birthday which was a double hit that they not only forgot my birthday but also the appt. But I let it go because my FH stepped up and was there.

No I did not kick her out, I did express how she hurt me and was going to see where it went from there and decide. But she came back and apologized because she said she was wrong and she was having a bad day and took it out on me for no reason.

chraron · May 2014

laur6327, I totally agree with you.

3 weeks ago I had asked all my BM to go BM dress shopping this past Saturday. - Followed up an confirmed time/ location with everyone a few days prior. Then day of, I had to call one of my BMs to see if she was on her way because I had not heard from her -- she was sleeping and said she was sick. Well I know she had been sick, but she was also out until the wee hours of the night on the night prior. I couldn't believe that she a) had blown off the appointment and b) hadn't even bothered to try to call me to tell me she couldn't come.

Her friendship is super important to me, but how do you treat a friend like this?

JCbride2015 · May 2014

chraron said:

laur6327, I totally agree with you.
3 weeks ago I had asked all my BM to go BM dress shopping this past Saturday. - Followed up an confirmed time/ location with everyone a few days prior. Then day of, I had to call one of my BMs to see if she was on her way because I had not heard from her -- she was sleeping and said she was sick. Well I know she had been sick, but she was also out until the wee hours of the night on the night prior. I couldn't believe that she a) had blown off the appointment and b) hadn't even bothered to try to call me to tell me she couldn't come.
Her friendship is super important to me, but how do you treat a friend like this?

Sounds like she made a bad choice going out drinking the night before, eek. Just tell her the dress everyone picked within the budget (she should have already been consulted about budget, right?) and it's her job to go independently and buy the dress on time to have it for the wedding. She has missed out on the shopping trip.

Idk, I just feel like we often expect too much of our BMs. If your friend is normally flaky or bitchy or whatever, she won't change just because she's a BM. Things don't immediately become all hearts and roses.

laur6327 · May 2014

chraron it's a pretty crappy feeling I know...hopefulyl you can let her know how you feel and you can both move on in a more positive direction. It's sad but most of the time (as I have been in a lot of weddings myself) you tend to find out who you're true friends are throughout a process like this. Keep your head up! At least the other girls showed!

bereasonable2 · May 2014

Well, what about me, mE, ME??

tmarie288 · May 2014

I don't think you're wrong at all. When someone is asked to be a bridesmaid there are certain responsibilities with the title one of the most important is beig available for dress shopping. If you set a date way in advance and gave everyone ample opportunity to back out then it is extremely rude for her to not show and I wouldn't want her in my party either if she can't be trusted.

I understand that friends may get "frustrated" with constant wedding talk but if they were true friends they would just be supportive you won't be getting married forever. Planning a wedding is a big part of your life and it's normal to want to talk about it with friends.

Do what feels right in your gut yes it may end the friendship but if she can flake on you so easily is it really a loss to begin with?

laur6327 · May 2014

Tmarie288 ! Glad someone else understands!

JoanE2012 · May 2014

Tmarie288 said:

I don't think you're wrong at all. When someone is asked to be a bridesmaid there are certain responsibilities with the title one of the most important is beig available for dress shopping. If you set a date way in advance and gave everyone ample opportunity to back out then it is extremely rude for her to not show and I wouldn't want her in my party either if she can't be trusted. I understand that friends may get "frustrated" with constant wedding talk but if they were true friends they would just be supportive you won't be getting married forever. Planning a wedding is a big part of your life and it's normal to want to talk about it with friends. Do what feels right in your gut yes it may end the friendship but if she can flake on you so easily is it really a loss to begin with?

Really?? Is dress shopping really what you think is the most important responsibility when they accept the role?

SewInLoveWithDMB · May 2014

There are definitely aspects associated with being a bridesmaid that require time and support. I am not denying that at all. However, there are a lot. And, as mentioned, the only really important one is showing up on that day in the dress of your choosing.

I find in my life I have some free time, but not a whole lot. I'm currently a matron of honor in a close friend's wedding. I'm doing everything in my power to be there for her, but there are times it's just not possible. She totally understands! I may not be able to attend every get-together, shopping trip, brunch, dress-trying-on for her - but of course I have every intention to be there for her shower, bachelorette, rehearsal dinner and day of!

When it comes down to it, it's more important to actually order the dress than to appear at one specific dress shopping experience. As long as she ultimately does that, what's the problem? I went to look at dresses a few times with different pairings of bridesmaids - and some never came along and ended up ordering online, sight unseen. It wasn't a big deal at all! (For example, while out to lunch, I'd show them a picture of the dress on my phone online. They then ordered it on their own. Done and done.)

You can't turn on someone because one day they didn't pull through for what is a low-priority "event." Sure, going out the night before isn't the most responsible behavior, but that is her life and her priorities. They aren't going to align with yours all the time.

You can expect a friend to be close enough to "be there for you" with the wedding planning process. But kicking someone out for not going shopping with you one time for dress shopping is absurd. You tried to call her bluff with the whole "if I'm not a priority then you don't need to be a bridesmaid." That's really not a nice thing to do - I personally would have dropped out right then and there. Emotional blackmail or threats are just not cool.

So, you can come back and disagree with all the advice given to you on a public message board. But, most people are trying to nicely explain to you that this isn't all that big of a deal. You have many more months to go of planning and if this upsets you now, more important things are likely to upset you over the coming months.

Good luck with everything.

EDIT: I realize now the girl who didn't show up from drinking the night before was not the OP. Doesn't matter- the sentiment still stands. Not everyone has the same priorities and the girl who didn't show up for the OP had her own situation (presumably). Sorry for the confusion.

How do you tell a bridesmaid she's out of the wedding?

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