But seriously for lurkers, no one remembers the bridesmaids shoes, hair, or jewelry. NO ONE. And to boot, your bridesmaids will probably look a lot more confident and happy in your photos if they aren't wearing shoes that make their feet scream or earrings that aren't for their sensitive ears or a hairdo they just don't feel pretty in. Hopefully at least that is more important than them looking like clones.
My bridesmaids wore the dress I picked out, whatever silver shoes they wanted, did their hair/makeup however the pleased, and wore whatever jewelry suited them. And hot damn did they look FANTASTIC.
I am "newish" as you say because I don't have all day to sit around being an unpaid message board policeman. I stumbled upon this board because of my knot newsletter. I replied not looking for "wisdom" or to be schooled on the traditions of Victorian bridesmaids, but rather to defend this girl who was bullied into apologizing to her bridesmaid for what I perceive as her friend's faux pas (she should have asked about the shoes first before buying them). I have been utterly put off, however, by the extremely aggressive response to my innocuous comment. And I will let the decision of whether I am "wrong" rest on my own adult shoulders, not those of a bunch of faceless internet trolls who I am grateful will not be in attendance at my stunning, selfish, spoiled brat wedding. Shout out to my incredible bridesmaids who accept my slightly OCD nature and love me regardless. You guys are the most fabulous props a girl could ask for
I am "newish" as you say because I don't have all day to sit around being an unpaid message board policeman. I stumbled upon this board because of my knot newsletter. I replied not looking for "wisdom" or to be schooled on the traditions of Victorian bridesmaids, but rather to defend this girl who was bullied into apologizing to her bridesmaid for what I perceive as her friend's faux pas (she should have asked about the shoes first before buying them). I have been utterly put off, however, by the extremely aggressive response to my innocuous comment. And I will let the decision of whether I am "wrong" rest on my own adult shoulders, not those of a bunch of faceless internet trolls who I am grateful will not be in attendance at my stunning, selfish, spoiled brat wedding. Shout out to my incredible bridesmaids who accept my slightly OCD nature and love me regardless. You guys are the most fabulous props a girl could ask for
That's great for you but the OP actually felt bad about being a "bridezilla" and we were helping her. You rubbing it in our face that you have inpeccable taste is not helpful at all.
@lizhurt Keep in mind that just because your bridesmaids haven't said to you, "Hey, this isn't okay with me," doesn't mean they're okay with it. And I'm not surprised if they're keeping that quiet. You clearly have a set of expectations for your wedding, and even without knowing you, I can tell that, "Hey, I don't want to have my hair styled this way," would result in getting kicked out of the wedding party, a temper tantrum about how I was ruining your vision of your wedding, or the latter followed by the former.
And my partner, who actually has OCD, has repeatedly told his groomsmen they can wear whatever they want, and doesn't give two shits about what my bridesmaids wear. Don't use a legitimate mental illness as a reason why you HAVE to have your wedding a certain way or else.
I am "newish" as you say because I don't have all day to sit around being an unpaid message board policeman. I stumbled upon this board because of my knot newsletter. I replied not looking for "wisdom" or to be schooled on the traditions of Victorian bridesmaids, but rather to defend this girl who was bullied into apologizing to her bridesmaid for what I perceive as her friend's faux pas (she should have asked about the shoes first before buying them). I have been utterly put off, however, by the extremely aggressive response to my innocuous comment. And I will let the decision of whether I am "wrong" rest on my own adult shoulders, not those of a bunch of faceless internet trolls who I am grateful will not be in attendance at my stunning, selfish, spoiled brat wedding. Shout out to my incredible bridesmaids who accept my slightly OCD nature and love me regardless. You guys are the most fabulous props a girl could ask for
OCD is an actual mental disorder. Don't fucking using a real illness as an excuse to be a nit-picky anal retentive bitch. That's just insulting.
@lizhurt You absolutely need to buy your BM's anything that you are requiring, except for the dress. You want them in particular shoes? You need to buy them. You want them wearing the same jewelry and nail polish? Yup, you need to buy those too. Their only responsibility is to wear the chosen dress and show up. I could give a rats ass if you want them in matching dresses. But for god sake, you must buy them anything else you are making them wear...and NOT as their gift.
So I'm thinking about my wedding peeps' shoes now. Because I'm usually thinking about shoes cause I love shoes. I gave them zero guidelines with shoes aside from yes wear them and no flip flops please. So six very different people choose 6 pairs of very different shoes. And I'm thinking...this is gonna be awesome!
They probably aren't going to match, but they will be wonderfully reflective of their personalities. I'm now looking forward to seeing what they wear! I've got two of them texting me pictures of shoes off and on to get my opinion and to let me look at shoes (my friends are nice and feed my shoe love), so I'm getting a vague idea of how the shoes will look for them day of.
I have noticed that the young women who obsess over details and "care deeply about aesthetics and want everything looking perfect" rarely obsess over good manners or care deeply about their friend's feelings on the subject, or want their guests to feel perfectly contented.
I have some very bad news.
It is not "Your Day." It is the day you are getting married, like hundreds and thousands of other young women in the world. Other people still exist and matter, and the sun will rise and set with its usual schedule, with or without your approval. You do not own the day. The day does not exist for you. People will not stop their lives and rush to fulfill your whims and sigh with delight to be so honored as to be in your presence.
The more you trumpet that time worn stereotypical bellow of the Bridezilla- IT'S MY DAY- the more chances the day will fall short of your own absurd expectations. Because guess what? It's not your day. It also belongs to every person you come into contact with. Your friends, your family, your fiancé, his family, the vendors, even the guy that shows up to sweep the floors. It's everybody's day. You just happen to be getting married that day.
Think about it just a little bit. Deeply, if you can. Give the idea as much consideration as say, a color scheme.
eta: comments not for the OP, but for lizIT'SMYDAYhurt.
One of the ladies who actually was in or attended weddings then may be able to correct me, but I was under the impression the matchy matchy bridesmaids were an 80s thing? And it was not a good look.
Unless we're talking about the actual original tradition, which for the record is way older than "Victorian." In old school wedding tradition, the bridesmaids matched... but they also matched the bride because they were meant to distract and confuse evil spirits who wanted to mess with her.
And because it's what I was thinking reading this thread, have another gif.
@artbyallie Exactly what I always think: if you're going with legit tradition, then the bridesmaids need to look like the bride. They should be wearing whatever color the bride is wearing! So I guess this special snowflake will be dressing her bridesmaids up in white, floor-length gowns.
May I then ask how to politely say or decline when the bride states she has certain shoes she wants us to wear? I am a bridesmaid in my FSIL's wedding and she asked us a couple weeks ago to pick between getting our hair done or nails done as our gift, which then she texted that getting our hair done would be our gift; and then sent a picture of a pair of shoes saying that she wants all of us to wear Toms. Which I looked up and besides appearing to be very uncomfortable and not anything I'd ever wear - the price is the issue where I've found Toms from $60-$100+, which I can't justify spending on shoes for one day..... is there a polite way to decline or just not buy the shoes?
May I then ask how to politely say or decline when the bride states she has certain shoes she wants us to wear? I am a bridesmaid in my FSIL's wedding and she asked us a couple weeks ago to pick between getting our hair done or nails done as our gift, which then she texted that getting our hair done would be our gift; and then sent a picture of a pair of shoes saying that she wants all of us to wear Toms. Which I looked up and besides appearing to be very uncomfortable and not anything I'd ever wear - the price is the issue where I've found Toms from $60-$100+, which I can't justify spending on shoes for one day..... is there a polite way to decline or just not buy the shoes?
I would reply and say, "Hey bride, I'm sorry, but these Toms are just not in my budget. I can't afford them. Is there a certain color of flats I can get instead?"
Stand firm. No way in hell would I buy Toms for someone else's wedding.
I am "newish" as you say because I don't have all day to sit around being an unpaid message board policeman. I stumbled upon this board because of my knot newsletter. I replied not looking for "wisdom" or to be schooled on the traditions of Victorian bridesmaids, but rather to defend this girl who was bullied into apologizing to her bridesmaid for what I perceive as her friend's faux pas (she should have asked about the shoes first before buying them). I have been utterly put off, however, by the extremely aggressive response to my innocuous comment. And I will let the decision of whether I am "wrong" rest on my own adult shoulders, not those of a bunch of faceless internet trolls who I am grateful will not be in attendance at my stunning, selfish, spoiled brat wedding. Shout out to my incredible bridesmaids who accept my slightly OCD nature and love me regardless. You guys are the most fabulous props a girl could ask for
Unless you have legit OCD, diagnosed by a mental health professional, don't bandy that term about innocuous as an excuse for your micromanage behaviour.
OCD is a real thing for which people deserve consideration. Being a controlling bridezilla is a real thing for which people need sense slapped into them.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
I was under the impression that your wedding is your day and that your bridesmaids should wear the dress, shoes, hairstyle, and accessories you want if that is your choice. That does NOT make you a bridezilla. I personally am choosing my bridemaids' looks head to toe, and they don't care! They know I have impeccable taste and want a traditional look. I think if you want your bridesmaids to pick their own, they can, and if you don't, you don't have to. Any bridesmaid that puts up a fuss is forgetting the point of being one: to honor and stand next to the bride on HER special day, not to wear an outfit.
PDKH said:
SteinWife15 said:
May I then ask how to politely say or decline when the bride states she has certain shoes she wants us to wear? I am a bridesmaid in my FSIL's wedding and she asked us a couple weeks ago to pick between getting our hair done or nails done as our gift, which then she texted that getting our hair done would be our gift; and then sent a picture of a pair of shoes saying that she wants all of us to wear Toms. Which I looked up and besides appearing to be very uncomfortable and not anything I'd ever wear - the price is the issue where I've found Toms from $60-$100+, which I can't justify spending on shoes for one day..... is there a polite way to decline or just not buy the shoes?
I would reply and say, "Hey bride, I'm sorry, but these Toms are just not in my budget. I can't afford them. Is there a certain color of flats I can get instead?" Stand firm. No way in hell would I buy Toms for someone else's wedding.
Totally agree with this. Toms are not cheap, and not everyone can wear them comfortably.
Keep in mind that no matter how polite and within etiquette you are when you decline, the bride will likely still be upset with you. Stick to your decline, but stay as polite and calm as possible.
And yes, it is MY special day. I have dreamed of it my entire life. MY day to celebrate MY way with the people I love most and to stand before God and my family and friends and declare my love for my fiancé. He isn't a prop either, BTW, but I will dress him as handsomely as I can .
@lizhurt look, I get you want a certain look for your wedding. My 3 girls all wore the same dress. (Though I wish I would have nudged them for than I had about picking different ones) they then wore their hair however they chose and picked a pair of black or silver shoes. Many here don't agree with the matching dress look, and that's okay. When it comes to your attendants attire the crucial elements are asking each their budget, privately, and then selecting a dress(es) with them that is at or below the lowest budget. Go ahead and ask that they wear their hair up or down and black/nude/silver shoes.but if you want to get more specific than that than you need to pay for all of it. And also think why them matching is so important. Yes, it's your and your FI's wedding so esthetically you choose the elements together. But these are your nearest and dearest, not a table. If it is that important then you pay. Otherwise, let it go. I'm also a bit out off by the fact that you chose your FI's attire. I'm hoping he had a say? It's his wedding too....did he get to choose your dress? I'm going to go out on a limb and say no.
At the end of the day it's not so much about what you're making your attendants wear. It's about the attitude your spewing on here. No it's not YOUR day. It's your AND your FI's wedding. The ceremony is about you two. The reception is for your guests. This is not your one and only special day where you can order your nearest and dearest around under the guise of it being all about you and only you. No one deserves a princess day. This should be about getting married; sharing your love. Not having an aneurism over the color your bridesmaid where for shoes.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
May I then ask how to politely say or decline when the bride states she has certain shoes she wants us to wear? I am a bridesmaid in my FSIL's wedding and she asked us a couple weeks ago to pick between getting our hair done or nails done as our gift, which then she texted that getting our hair done would be our gift; and then sent a picture of a pair of shoes saying that she wants all of us to wear Toms. Which I looked up and besides appearing to be very uncomfortable and not anything I'd ever wear - the price is the issue where I've found Toms from $60-$100+, which I can't justify spending on shoes for one day..... is there a polite way to decline or just not buy the shoes?
I would reply and say, "Hey bride, I'm sorry, but these Toms are just not in my budget. I can't afford them. Is there a certain color of flats I can get instead?"
Stand firm. No way in hell would I buy Toms for someone else's wedding.
Totally agree with this. Toms are not cheap, and not everyone can wear them comfortably.
Keep in mind that no matter how polite and within etiquette you are when you decline, the bride will likely still be upset with you. Stick to your decline, but stay as polite and calm as possible.
Toms? really? Toms are so so so ugly. They make your feet look like they're wrapped in bandages. You know what I do when I want to make sure poor kids get a pair of shoes? I donate kids shoes to the freaking battered women's shelter. (seriously, they take donations of both new and used clothing for women and children).
Hey @lizhurt just FYI, a girl might deserve a day that is "all about her," but that day is not her wedding day unless she's Sue Silvester and marrying herself. You have to share your wedding day with the groom.... it can't be all about you... sorry to break it to you.
I am "newish" as you say because I don't have all day to sit around being an unpaid message board policeman. I stumbled upon this board because of my knot newsletter. I replied not looking for "wisdom" or to be schooled on the traditions of Victorian bridesmaids, but rather to defend this girl who was bullied into apologizing to her bridesmaid for what I perceive as her friend's faux pas (she should have asked about the shoes first before buying them). I have been utterly put off, however, by the extremely aggressive response to my innocuous comment. And I will let the decision of whether I am "wrong" rest on my own adult shoulders, not those of a bunch of faceless internet trolls who I am grateful will not be in attendance at my stunning, selfish, spoiled brat wedding. Shout out to my incredible bridesmaids who accept my slightly OCD nature and love me regardless. You guys are the most fabulous props a girl could ask for
For the record, I am @lizhurt sister and bridesmaid, and I am appalled at the cattiness and down right bitchiness that the brides on this forum have displayed in response to her opinions. To call another bride a "troll" because she desires a certain look for HER wedding is a display of rudeness and ignorance, and quite frankly, I'm embarrassed for all of you. I am honored to stand up next to her on the happy occasion of her wedding, and I will gladly wear whatever she wants me do because her wedding is NOT ABOUT ME! If she wants to dress me up according to her taste, go for it! I know that she is a thoughtful and considerate bride who will take all her BMs into consideration when picking our look. And for the record, she does have impeccable taste! I'm getting married in 17 days and she is my MOH. I have consulted her on every decision I've made since Day 1 and I am so grateful to have had her here throughout this whole process! She is far from a bridezilla, and I WOULD KNOW! So before you judge my beautiful sister too harshly, consider that each bride is different, as is each wedding. I hope in the future you will recognize that everyone's opinion is valuable, even if it is different from yours! That's why this is a forum not an advice column.
I'm so glad public love-its are back because it's fun to watch people who don't care about etiquette love posts written by people who don't care about etiquette.
I am "newish" as you say because I don't have all day to sit around being an unpaid message board policeman. I stumbled upon this board because of my knot newsletter. I replied not looking for "wisdom" or to be schooled on the traditions of Victorian bridesmaids, but rather to defend this girl who was bullied into apologizing to her bridesmaid for what I perceive as her friend's faux pas (she should have asked about the shoes first before buying them). I have been utterly put off, however, by the extremely aggressive response to my innocuous comment. And I will let the decision of whether I am "wrong" rest on my own adult shoulders, not those of a bunch of faceless internet trolls who I am grateful will not be in attendance at my stunning, selfish, spoiled brat wedding. Shout out to my incredible bridesmaids who accept my slightly OCD nature and love me regardless. You guys are the most fabulous props a girl could ask for
For the record, I am @lizhurt sister and bridesmaid, and I am appalled at the cattiness and down right bitchiness that the brides on this forum have displayed in response to her opinions. To call another bride a "troll" because she desires a certain look for HER wedding is a display of rudeness and ignorance, and quite frankly, I'm embarrassed for all of you. I am honored to stand up next to her on the happy occasion of her wedding, and I will gladly wear whatever she wants me do because her wedding is NOT ABOUT ME! If she wants to dress me up according to her taste, go for it! I know that she is a thoughtful and considerate bride who will take all her BMs into consideration when picking our look. And for the record, she does have impeccable taste! I'm getting married in 17 days and she is my MOH. I have consulted her on every decision I've made since Day 1 and I am so grateful to have had her here throughout this whole process! She is far from a bridezilla, and I WOULD KNOW! So before you judge my beautiful sister too harshly, consider that each bride is different, as is each wedding. I hope in the future you will recognize that everyone's opinion is valuable, even if it is different from yours! That's why this is a forum not an advice column.
No one has a problem with the same dress, but it is unreasonable to expect bridesmaids to purchase shoes and jewelry the bride picks out, and frankly with comfort of shoes varying from person to person it's just silly to put girls in the same shoes.
Outside of the two weddings you are about to be in, can you honestly describe the shoes and jewelry of the bridesmaids in the last few weddings you've attended?
I've been a bridesmaid in 3 weddings and the only one anyone remembered my shoes were when the bride bought us matching heels for her beach wedding, and we sank into the sand with every step looking like goobers trying to get down the aisle.
Just because YOU are ok with your sister picking out every detail of your outfit doesn't mean everyone is, even within her bridal party (of course the other girls won't tell you that b/c they don't want to hurt her feelings), but certainly not as a general rule.
I am "newish" as you say because I don't have all day to sit around being an unpaid message board policeman. I stumbled upon this board because of my knot newsletter. I replied not looking for "wisdom" or to be schooled on the traditions of Victorian bridesmaids, but rather to defend this girl who was bullied into apologizing to her bridesmaid for what I perceive as her friend's faux pas (she should have asked about the shoes first before buying them). I have been utterly put off, however, by the extremely aggressive response to my innocuous comment. And I will let the decision of whether I am "wrong" rest on my own adult shoulders, not those of a bunch of faceless internet trolls who I am grateful will not be in attendance at my stunning, selfish, spoiled brat wedding. Shout out to my incredible bridesmaids who accept my slightly OCD nature and love me regardless. You guys are the most fabulous props a girl could ask for
For the record, I am @lizhurt sister and bridesmaid, and I am appalled at the cattiness and down right bitchiness that the brides on this forum have displayed in response to her opinions. To call another bride a "troll" because she desires a certain look for HER wedding is a display of rudeness and ignorance, and quite frankly, I'm embarrassed for all of you. I am honored to stand up next to her on the happy occasion of her wedding, and I will gladly wear whatever she wants me do because her wedding is NOT ABOUT ME! If she wants to dress me up according to her taste, go for it! I know that she is a thoughtful and considerate bride who will take all her BMs into consideration when picking our look. And for the record, she does have impeccable taste! I'm getting married in 17 days and she is my MOH. I have consulted her on every decision I've made since Day 1 and I am so grateful to have had her here throughout this whole process! She is far from a bridezilla, and I WOULD KNOW! So before you judge my beautiful sister too harshly, consider that each bride is different, as is each wedding. I hope in the future you will recognize that everyone's opinion is valuable, even if it is different from yours! That's why this is a forum not an advice column.
So what you're saying is your sister got to plan TWO weddings, and neither of you consulted your grooms?
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
Re: Accidental Bridezilla
OCD is a real thing for which people deserve consideration. Being a controlling bridezilla is a real thing for which people need sense slapped into them.
I'm the fuck out.
May I then ask how to politely say or decline when the bride states she has certain shoes she wants us to wear? I am a bridesmaid in my FSIL's wedding and she asked us a couple weeks ago to pick between getting our hair done or nails done as our gift, which then she texted that getting our hair done would be our gift; and then sent a picture of a pair of shoes saying that she wants all of us to wear Toms. Which I looked up and besides appearing to be very uncomfortable and not anything I'd ever wear - the price is the issue where I've found Toms from $60-$100+, which I can't justify spending on shoes for one day..... is there a polite way to decline or just not buy the shoes? I would reply and say, "Hey bride, I'm sorry, but these Toms are just not in my budget. I can't afford them. Is there a certain color of flats I can get instead?"
Stand firm. No way in hell would I buy Toms for someone else's wedding. Totally agree with this. Toms are not cheap, and not everyone can wear them comfortably.
ME
ME
ME
ME
ME
ME
ME!!!!!!
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME ME ME ME!
At the end of the day it's not so much about what you're making your attendants wear. It's about the attitude your spewing on here. No it's not YOUR day. It's your AND your FI's wedding. The ceremony is about you two. The reception is for your guests. This is not your one and only special day where you can order your nearest and dearest around under the guise of it being all about you and only you. No one deserves a princess day. This should be about getting married; sharing your love. Not having an aneurism over the color your bridesmaid where for shoes.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
I'm the fuck out.