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The dreaded "gap"

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Re: The dreaded "gap"

  • PaigeGVPaigeGV member
    First Comment
    I think a lot of it depends on culture.  It's typical in my family to have a morning wedding and an evening reception which usually leaves a gap of 6 hours (that's crazy, I know).  My wedding is actually atypical in that it's a 20 minutes drive for most folks, instead of 5, and that there is no gap and I've received lots of flack for it.  I know I would appreciate a break and chance to relax if I were travelling for a wedding.  Have you talked to both sets of parents for opinions?  Not that either set of parents will be correct; it's just a good place to start.  The bottom line is that it's your and your FH's decision. You'll never be able to please everyone.  And honestly, if having a gap is your biggest 'diva' moment in the wedding process, you're doing just fine!
  • I am having the same issue with my upcoming wedding.  Catholic mass at 2, ending at 3:15, 15-20 minutes to get to the reception venue, and the cocktail hour starting at 4:30.  Who knew "the gap" was such a big deal until I read all of the comments that had been posted already.  Rude? Inconsiderate?  - Absolutely not.  With all of the aspects to coordinate on such a big day, and dishing out a ton of money not only for the wedding, but to provide food and drinks to all of the guests attending.  If the guests mind that there is an hour gap in between, then I would rather they not come.  They should be there to help celebrate a momentous occasion, not hate on the planning skills of the Bride for things that are beyond her control.  When there are limited venues, times, and budgets there is a lot to consider.  The times were also noted in the invites.  Also if the hour is too much to ask, go to one or the other.  My reception will be 7 hours long as it is because of the early mass time.  I was not given an option because the catholic church mandated it, and they're the only one in town. Cocktail hour + Snacks + Dinner + open bar + Candy bar = I think they'll be ok.
  • Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    Etiquette is etiquette. Either all is to be followed to a T, or you're a hypocrite. There's no such thing as a "victim-less violation" because for all you know you did offend someone with your violation even if they won't tell you to your face that your labeled envelope done over hand-addressing made them feel like they weren't worth your time to properly address their envelopes. Most of you seem fine inconveniencing your guests in whatever ways you think is okay (it's okay to expect them to show up drunk at the hotel at 10 pm to check in, but not okay to give them an allotted time to do so earlier where they're not missing anything else, seriously??) but think you can dictate and speak for all guests everywhere in the world at all times. Well I've been to a dozen weddings in the last 5 years and you sure as hell don't speak for me as a guest or a bride. 

    There are lots of matters not addressed by etiquette technically that could still be rude. If you know a majority of your guests are not going to want whatever spicy ethnic food you want to serve, it would be rude to serve it, even though you won't find anywhere in the etiquette books that serving particular types of ethnic foods is rude per se. If the majority of your guests are of that ethnicity it would probably be weird not to serve it, and if there is a minority of guests not familiar with that cuisine, well they get to try something new. Likewise, there's nothing rude about having a DJ of course, but if the majority of your guest list is going to be bored listening to loud top-40s all night, it might be rude for that to be the only entertainment for several hours and maybe inconvenient if they would prefer a quiet, non-dancing event. Likewise, many guests may be very put out to be served "dinner" at 3:30 in the afternoon (and NO, we can't just extend our receptions or our cocktail hours because we're not effing made of money and your DJ and caterers and the venue and whoever else isn't just going to provide their extended services for free).

    There is absolutely no reason for you all to disbelieve what many of the brides here have posted that they as guests have attended numerous weddings in their circle with no complaint about gaps (even if they didn't complain to the bride's face, you'd expect people to talk behind people's back, if they're that aggravated) or that they are expected in their circle for whatever reason (tradition, outfit changes, weather, etc.). 

    All you guys can say is technically a gap of an "extended time" (which is a vague term meaning different things to different people) is not good etiquette and should be avoided where possible and where it makes sense to do so. But technically there's a lot of etiquette surrounding weddings that gets ignored when its convenient and no doubt you all made etiquette violations in your own weddings. Etiquette is a guide to good social interaction. It is not the end all, be all, follow this or be worthy of being called a "rude, shallow, vapid bitch" as one lovely poster did above. You may know your wedding etiquette, but your general life etiquette knowledge fails you severely.

  • Cmilks06 said:
    I am having the same issue with my upcoming wedding.  Catholic mass at 2, ending at 3:15, 15-20 minutes to get to the reception venue, and the cocktail hour starting at 4:30.  Who knew "the gap" was such a big deal until I read all of the comments that had been posted already.  Rude? Inconsiderate?  - Absolutely not.  With all of the aspects to coordinate on such a big day, and dishing out a ton of money not only for the wedding, but to provide food and drinks to all of the guests attending.  If the guests mind that there is an hour gap in between, then I would rather they not come.  They should be there to help celebrate a momentous occasion, not hate on the planning skills of the Bride for things that are beyond her control.  When there are limited venues, times, and budgets there is a lot to consider.  The times were also noted in the invites.  Also if the hour is too much to ask, go to one or the other.  My reception will be 7 hours long as it is because of the early mass time.  I was not given an option because the catholic church mandated it, and they're the only one in town. Cocktail hour + Snacks + Dinner + open bar + Candy bar = I think they'll be ok.
    Gaps are not acts of God.  They are completely within your control.

    If your ceremony ends at 3:15, then your cocktail hour should start at 3:35 or 3:40.  What options did your reception venue give you as far as the reception strat time?  That's where the issue lies, it has nothing to do with your church and their mass schedule.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Etiquette is etiquette. Either all is to be followed to a T, or you're a hypocrite. No, that's just the spin you are putting on things because you are justifying having a gap.  There's no such thing as a "victim-less violation" because for all you know you did offend someone with your violation even if they won't tell you to your face that your labeled envelope done over hand-addressing made them feel like they weren't worth your time to properly address their envelopes. Sure there are victimless crimes- no one is physically put out or made to feel uncomfortable if you don't hand address their envelopes, something that is ripped open and then thrown away within 2 seconds.  People are made physically uncomfortable if you don't have enough chairs for them to sit in, don't have enough food during a meal time and they go hungry, or if they are made to wait around aimlessly w/o anything to do, or if they have to pay for their drinks at an event that is supposed to be hosted, etc.  Most of you seem fine inconveniencing your guests in whatever ways you think is okay (it's okay to expect them to show up drunk at the hotel at 10 pm to check in, but not okay to give them an allotted time to do so earlier where they're not missing anything else, seriously??) 1st of all, whether or not grown ass adults choose to get inebriated and inappropriate, no matter the time of day, is just that- their own choice.  2nd, guests can choice to check into their hotel whenever they want to, and if that means missing a few minutes of cocktail hour- quel horreur- that's their choice and it's on them.  That doesn't justify inconveniencing everyone else who is already checked in or who has no need to check in with a gap.  but think you can dictate and speak for all guests everywhere in the world at all times. Well I've been to a dozen weddings in the last 5 years and you sure as hell don't speak for me as a guest or a bride.  Yeah, clearly.

    There are lots of matters not addressed by etiquette technically that could still be rude. If you know a majority of your guests are not going to want whatever spicy ethnic food you want to serve, it would be rude to serve it, even though you won't find anywhere in the etiquette books that serving particular types of ethnic foods is rude per se. If you lurked more you would have found a few threads in the past that discussed this very thing, and the recommendation was to have non-spicy or non-ethnic options for people who may not be used to nor like that type of food, because it would be bad for ppl to go hungry at a reception you are hosting.  If the majority of your guests are of that ethnicity it would probably be weird not to serve it, and if there is a minority of guests not familiar with that cuisine, well they get to try something new. Likewise, there's nothing rude about having a DJ of course, but if the majority of your guest list is going to be bored listening to loud top-40s all night, it might be rude for that to be the only entertainment for several hours and maybe inconvenient if they would prefer a quiet, non-dancing event. You are confusing personal taste with etiquette now.  1st, a good DJ will be able to get the feel of his crowd and adjust the music accordingly to keep the dance floor packed all night.  2nd, just because I as a guest hates country music does not mean it's rude for the DJ to play country music if other ppl enjoy it.  I would be bored at a reception that had nothing but country music, just as I have been bored at receptions that didn't have any dancing, but I didn't think the hosts were rude.  Likewise, many guests may be very put out to be served "dinner" at 3:30 in the afternoon (and NO, we can't just extend our receptions or our cocktail hours because we're not effing made of money and your DJ and caterers and the venue and whoever else isn't just going to provide their extended services for free).  They can be put out, but it isn't rude because they are being properly hosted by being fed.  Agaian, that's a personal preference issue on the part of the guests.  This is not the same issue as a gap, because a gap is improper hosting.

    There is absolutely no reason for you all to disbelieve what many of the brides here have posted that they as guests have attended numerous weddings in their circle with no complaint about gaps (even if they didn't complain to the bride's face, you'd expect people to talk behind people's back, if they're that aggravated) Sure there is. . . the Worst Wedding Thread which has countless stories of ppl complaining about gaps behind the couples' backs and all of the posters here who have said that they hate gaps  or that they are expected in their circle for whatever reason (tradition, outfit changes, weather, etc.). 

    All you guys can say is technically a gap of an "extended time" (which is a vague term meaning different things to different people) is not good etiquette and should be avoided where possible and where it makes sense to do so. But technically there's a lot of etiquette surrounding weddings that gets ignored when its convenient and no doubt you all made etiquette violations in your own weddings. Etiquette is a guide to good social interaction. It's a guide to good social hosting, and twice now posters have provided you with etiquette sources that state that gaps are considered rude, and why, on top of countless personal stories for why gaps are rude, and very logical anecdotal reasoning behind why gaps are rude.  You choose to ignore those sources and info and keep bringing up strawman arguments and conflating issues of tradition and personal preference with what is considered etiquette for hosting events.  It is not the end all, be all, follow this or be worthy of being called a "rude, shallow, vapid bitch" as one lovely poster did above. I must have missed that because I don't recall anyone saying anything like that.  You may know your wedding etiquette, but your general life etiquette knowledge fails you severely.

    If you want to have a gap, go ahead and have one.  But I'm not going to tell you that it isn't rude, and I'm not going to agree with claims that no one in your circle, absolutely no one, thinks they are rude and a total inconvenience.  Not when there have been a bunch of ppl posting here that gaps are common in their families and circles and that the hate them.

    If ppl want to do something that is rude, just own up to, acknowledge that many consider it rude, but that you are doing it anyways.  But if you are going to try and rationalize and justify something many here feel is rude, then ppl are going to rebut those claims.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Guest are allowed to check-in prior to 3 0r 4pm. Rooms may not be ready but they can leave there bags with bell staff. Believe me a worked at a busy hotel. Also unless the hotel had a big group previous to you rooms could be available before and/or you can request for earlier check-ins like 2 or 2:30. Maybe all rooms won't be given by at least some.
  • Etiquette is etiquette. Either all is to be followed to a T, or you're a hypocrite. There's no such thing as a "victim-less violation" because for all you know you did offend someone with your violation even if they won't tell you to your face that your labeled envelope done over hand-addressing made them feel like they weren't worth your time to properly address their envelopes. Most of you seem fine inconveniencing your guests in whatever ways you think is okay (it's okay to expect them to show up drunk at the hotel at 10 pm to check in, but not okay to give them an allotted time to do so earlier where they're not missing anything else, seriously??) but think you can dictate and speak for all guests everywhere in the world at all times. Well I've been to a dozen weddings in the last 5 years and you sure as hell don't speak for me as a guest or a bride. 

    There are lots of matters not addressed by etiquette technically that could still be rude. If you know a majority of your guests are not going to want whatever spicy ethnic food you want to serve, it would be rude to serve it, even though you won't find anywhere in the etiquette books that serving particular types of ethnic foods is rude per se. If the majority of your guests are of that ethnicity it would probably be weird not to serve it, and if there is a minority of guests not familiar with that cuisine, well they get to try something new. Likewise, there's nothing rude about having a DJ of course, but if the majority of your guest list is going to be bored listening to loud top-40s all night, it might be rude for that to be the only entertainment for several hours and maybe inconvenient if they would prefer a quiet, non-dancing event. Likewise, many guests may be very put out to be served "dinner" at 3:30 in the afternoon (and NO, we can't just extend our receptions or our cocktail hours because we're not effing made of money and your DJ and caterers and the venue and whoever else isn't just going to provide their extended services for free).

    There is absolutely no reason for you all to disbelieve what many of the brides here have posted that they as guests have attended numerous weddings in their circle with no complaint about gaps (even if they didn't complain to the bride's face, you'd expect people to talk behind people's back, if they're that aggravated) or that they are expected in their circle for whatever reason (tradition, outfit changes, weather, etc.)

    All you guys can say is technically a gap of an "extended time" (which is a vague term meaning different things to different people) is not good etiquette and should be avoided where possible and where it makes sense to do so. But technically there's a lot of etiquette surrounding weddings that gets ignored when its convenient and no doubt you all made etiquette violations in your own weddings. Etiquette is a guide to good social interaction. It is not the end all, be all, follow this or be worthy of being called a "rude, shallow, vapid bitch" as one lovely poster did above. You may know your wedding etiquette, but your general life etiquette knowledge fails you severely.

    Enh. I've learned to be careful with my bitching. I.E I would never bitch about the dollar dance one of my friends had at her wedding to anyone who might mention it to said friend. And if dollar dances come up in conversation with people that friend might talk to, I probably won't say that I find them rude or tacky, just that my family doesn't do them. 

    As far as gaps go, many people in favor of them seem to have grown up with them as the norm. It can be really, really hard to objectively view something you grew up with as normal being another persons definition of poor planning/rude. If it's normal within your ethnic culture (someone mentioned Iranian weddings earlier) I'm not going to side eye it too much, I'd like a heads up. If it's because of poor planning, then I'm going to side eye and snark with my Mom later. 
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  • It would appear that @Butterflyz419 is not a careful reader. In more than one instance. 

    What I said was : 

    "....if I make my friends and family sit around and wait for me for two or three hours, for any reason, I'd be a special kind of rude bitch. If I make them wait for me because I need more pictures of me, (you know, the Pinterest kind without a bunch of dumb guests ruining the artfulness) or because I want to go a particular place, or because I want my party to look like all the TV weddings, I'd be a shallow, vain, rude bitch.

    It's your wedding day. Not the I'm the Center of the Universe and Nobody Matters but Me Day. Unless, of course, you're a shallow, vain, rude bitch.  Suit yourselves. "


    So that would be me. And I said vain, not vapid. In the first case, I addressed my own potential behaviors- that taking responsibility thing. In the second instance, I addressed imaginary people who might mistake their wedding day for a cosmic realignment of the universe resulting in themselves being located at the center of all things existing. Not name calling any particular poster. 

    And if someone does indeed believe that they are the Center of The Universe and Nobody Else Matters, than my opinion will have no impact at all.  

    So yes, I can safely own the phrase, knowing it doesn't impact anyone who cares in the least.
  • Regarding alcohol, I was married once before back in 1995 (for 18 years).  My ceremony was in a beautiful Korean chapel and they didn't permit alcohol, but everyone had a great time. I don't think it's vital to your guests to have alcohol but I think it's preferred. For second marriage, even though we are keeping things fairly small, we will have it catered and there will be a full bar for the entire reception time.
  • @Butterflyz419

    The basis of my prior comment was to show the OP that she is not entitled to b rude in order to have all of these things she wants to on her wedding day just because she has endured hardships in her life. My FI lost his father to terminal illness a few years ago, so he will not be at our wedding. My mother will not be there either. That does not make me entitled to everyone else having to be there on my terms and wait around for me however long I feel like taking even though I could have planned it differently. You don't get the sympathy vote when you are being blatantly rude to people while arguing that you deserve to act this way.
  • Seriously the boxes hate me. Don't even know why I am in one right now...

     

    Gaps are rude to your guests. Don't want to worry about hosting your guests properly? Easy fix! Don't invite any!! 

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • honestly i have been through both situations and yes most guests are very understanding, especially if they understand whats happening ahead of time- allowing them to accommodate themselves. I would call the hotel and explain the situation to them, they will probably allow your guests early check in :) and if they don't thats ok too, your guests will probably want to wait and get checked in first so they have time to get changed or relax and unpack, wrap any last minute presents etc etc especially if people are from out of state... it allows people time to get organized. 
    it also allows you time to have your photos and not rush, enjoy them with the family and then you have time to freshen up and anything you had from the ceremony you can put safely away (if your taking your veil off or changing dresses or shoes etc etc ) it'll give you and your new hubby time to take a breath and get organized so by the time the reception starts you head in refreshed and ready to party.
  • DaisyMaeMommyDaisyMaeMommy member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited May 2014
    Looks like some WW users have been lurking here on TK and have decided to bring the discussion up over there.


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  • aussiesar said:
    honestly i have been through both situations and yes most guests are very understanding, especially if they understand whats happening ahead of time- allowing them to accommodate themselves. I would call the hotel and explain the situation to them, they will probably allow your guests early check in :) and if they don't thats ok too, your guests will probably want to wait and get checked in first so they have time to get changed or relax and unpack, wrap any last minute presents etc etc especially if people are from out of state... it allows people time to get organized. 
    it also allows you time to have your photos and not rush, enjoy them with the family and then you have time to freshen up and anything you had from the ceremony you can put safely away (if your taking your veil off or changing dresses or shoes etc etc ) it'll give you and your new hubby time to take a breath and get organized so by the time the reception starts you head in refreshed and ready to party.
    That's what the cocktail hour is for! And FWIW, I am changing twice during my wedding day for cultural reasons. Does that mean I get to stop the party each time I need to change into a different dress? My guests would totally understand why I have to kick them out of their seats and make them wander around outside the venue for an hour!
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • No hotel will guarantee early check-in, especially for large groups, because availability is 100% dependent on room utilization the night before, and what time the previous night's guests check out. If the hotel is fully occupied the night before, and nearly every guest waits till checkout time to check out, early checkin for that night's guests is impossible. They will tell you they can try, but they will not give you a hard yes.

    Why not have your ceremony after the afternoon mass? We are doing photos in the late afternoon followed by a 5:45 PM full Catholic Mass, cocktail hour at 7, and dinner at 8. I would never have subjected my guests to a gap, not just for etiquette reasons, but because it dramatically increases the likelihood that younger guests especially will show up half in the bag...and I would prefer my guests don't get full on drunk until at least cocktail hour. :-)
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    Some people believe a gap is rude.  For some it's the norm.  Voice your opinion but stop attacking each other because of something you believe is rude.  

    Our ceremony is at 3pm because our church, with a priest whom we are very close with, only has weddings at 3pm on Saturdays due to Saturday evening mass.  How are we rude for wanting to be married by a man who is very near and dear to our hearts?  The cocktail hour begins at 6pm.  The family I am marrying into, in their culture they change between the ceremony and cocktail hour/reception.  How are we rude for allowing our guests to embrace their own culture and still be able to attend all wedding events.  I can also tell you that my family; aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, don't mind the gap.  We embrace it.  They would also be disappointed if the reception ended at 9 as opposed to the planned time of 11:30.  

    We are only inviting those nearest and dearest to us.  No acquaintances or or random plus ones that aren't in a serious relationship.  Everyone attending knows each other.  There is only one girl, the wife of one of the groomsman who is shy and may be uncomfortable during the gap.  For that reason she is invited to come around on the bus with us while we take pictures in the city.  Guests will also be provided with fun things to do in the city, Chicago, during the gap.  

    In the end, you are the one who knows your guests the best.  What some consider rude might be completely non offensive to someone else.  Some people think it is rude for their children not to be invited to the wedding.  That is their belief.  My belief is that it is rude for parents to expect their children to be invited.  In the Persian culture, weddings are the event of the season and people wear their absolute best.  They might find it rude when they arrive at a casual rustic wedding to see people in simple dockers and a button down shirt.  

    What works for one bride and groom's family and friends might not work for another.  So knock it off with the personal and vicious attacks.  Not one of you is better than the other or is your wedding better than the other.
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  • Looks like some WW users have been lurking here on TK and have decided to bring the discussion up over there.



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    Oh FFS. Look at all the snow over there. Can't our special snowflakes just join WW and leave us alone?
    Wish they would.

    Then I could continue to laugh at the trolls and snowflakes over there and actually give helpful advice to brides who want it over here.
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  • @drina0218 it's so nice to have a breath of fresh air among all of the new posters!
  • Wow, i had no idea that so many people thought having a gap between the ceremony and the wedding was selfish on the part of the bride and groom!  I have never been to a wedding where there wasn't some sort of time gap.  My fiance and I have decided that we do not want to see each other before the wedding, therefore will be doing our "together" pictures after the ceremony.  I have said from the very beginning that I do not want my guests waiting a long time for us, but all of my friends and family said that I shouldn't worry about it.  If everything goes on time, we will only have a 45 minute gap between the ceremony and cocktail hour.  If anyone does photos after the ceremony their guests will be waiting for some amount of time.  Our photographer even suggested that we have a some type of gap between the ceremony and reception, not only for pictures but so that the couple can have a moment together after the ceremony to take it all in.  While my guests are very important to me, this is my wedding and I don't think that I should have to change when I want to see my groom just because of my guests.  I think too many people are losing sight of what a wedding is about...it is about the two people who are pledging to love each other for the rest of their lives.  Don't get me wrong, I love to party just as much as the next person, but the ceremony is more important than the reception.    
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