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Chit Chat
VulgarGirl
member
This is bugging more often now...(vent)
VulgarGirl
member
in Chit Chat
Alright, so anytime I have an emotion anymore, I bring it to you people. That's not whats bugging me, I'm just stating that's why this post is now in existence.
So...I've been out for a long time, almost 15 years now (oh fuck, wow...I feel old now), and I've gotten used to the idea that most people use heterosexual language as their default setting. Bride and groom, girlfriend and boyfriend, what does your husband do, the default is to assume everyone is straight until told otherwise. I don't like it, but it's standard practice.
Well lately, it's been pissing me off more and more! Every single wedding thing I read aimed at women talks about your groom, what he'll do, how you should talk with him, how he'll be your husband, blah, blah, blah, him, him, him. Why can we not use the word partner? Why can we not say spouse? What the fuck, it's 2014, as of yesterday 19 states and DC have legalized same sex marriage. Our federal government recognizes same sex marriage. And our default is still to assume straight until told otherwise?!
I'm not sure why this bugs me now so much. Maybe...I feel kind of like...it's a way to keep separating us. It's a way to say, you, you're over there. Read this special article about your special wedding that will be specially different from the normal weddings. And yeah, my wedding is going to be a bit odd, but not because my partner is also a woman, but because I'm a fucking weirdo. I'd be just as weird if I liked guys.
And just to be clear, this isn't about ya'll or anything. You people have been awesome and very accepting and just like "Oh, you're marrying a chick, alright, what's she like, what is she wearing and you still can't have a cash bar", ya know, like we're a fucking normal couple just like the heteros. It's more the Wedding Industrial Complex in general. Like, The Knot is all "Oh yeah, we're cool with same sex weddings" but everything is about "your groom" and pushes the hetero-normative idea. Every ad in bridal magazines is happy straight people. Mostly white too, rarely mixed race couples. It's just fucking annoying!
Ok, that's it, that's all I had to say. I think. (also I'm proud I got through this with very few misspellings, I'm a terrible speller)
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Re: This is bugging more often now...(vent)
Also sometimes I spend too long just watching Amy Pohler wink at me from your sig. Just a little extra info about me.
I am so glad it was well received as I sure meant no disrespect. I guess the other thing I would share with you is this: Someone has to be the one to pave the way and fight the fight. Right now that is you. 26 years ago it was me. I see these young women in here today and every once in awhile I get a little cocky in my head and think to myself "Sister, we fought HARD for YOU! You don't have to be a medic or an admin specialist or a cook anymore. You can be a freaking fighter pilot if you want to."
One day, you will be able to stand back, looking at other same sex couples and think "I fought HARD for YOU." I hope it brings you the same sense of accomplishment and gratitude it brings to me. I am honored to have walked that path and been part of change (even though there were some men along the way who were ultimate pigs). It doesn't make it any easier right now, but the path you are forging will be walked by many. Go you!
Our venue gave us (well, me) a binder called the "Bride Binder," and I absolutely hate it. I have no fucking clue if they have different versions for different couples, but the binder I have has all this information written to the bride, and it mentions lots of stuff like, "Talk to the groom's family about ..." or, "The bride and groom ...." Worse, in the introduction, it said, "We'll let you know what information you need to pass on to the groom." I'm sorry, is he not supposed to read the venue's guide? Because he has a penis? Even if the venue does give a different binder to hetero couples, lesbian couples, and gay couples, it's entirely unacceptable that the hetero binder is all, "Bride, you are planning the wedding! Here are the three things you should pass on to the groom who will of course not be reading this binder."
This is Massachusetts. We've had marriage equality for a decade. Get with the fucking program. Hell yeah!!!
And also, WTF? Can straight dudes not read? I'm pretty sure I've seen straight dudes read. My dad reads. He's straight. The funniest part about it is that my partner has OCD and part of his job is event planning and coordinating vendors (like wedding planning without the ceremony and enormous mark-ups). So ... I mean, if only one of us was going to read the binder cover to cover, it would have been him!
@phira I would've been like "wtf is this????" with that binder!!! I can't believe that, I guess if you have balls, you need to be read to like a kid or something.
I get so pissed at my job because we had a seminar a year ago that got us HEI certified and one of the things that we learned was to use "spouse" instead of "husband" or "wife". I've always done this because you never know. Then when I talk to older people that I need to get in touch with, they get all snotty like "Jane, MY WIFE, not SPOUSE".
It just grinds my gears when people just assume that the majority of couples are man/woman.
Um, ok, but the majority of couples are man/woman. I'm totally on board with everything else - being inclusive etc etc etc, but to say that it is unreasonable for people to assume that the majority of couples are hetero is just ridiculous.
Yeah, it seems like that's one of those things where the statistical reality doesn't have bearing on individual situations. (Much like the much-discussed "50% of marriages end in divorce" stat, which does NOT mean that an individual's marriage has a 50% shot of lasting forever. That is not how statistics work, but it's also not how people should ideally approach marriage/their friends' marriages).
There are 3 other couples in my life who are planning weddings at the moment. They're all men. And a few of them are far more excited about wedding planning than I am.
As a side note, I love that this is an environment open, safe environment where people can talk about these issues. It's a pleasure, even when the topics aren't happy.