Bride Being Rude? Bridesmaids Look Expectations

chloelady · May 2014

Hi all. First time poster and very new to the wedding world.

I am in a wedding in July. It's the first time I've been a bridesmaid so I've been wading through the murky waters of bridesmaid duties with five other girls who have been in multiple weddings or are married themselves. The bride is a close friend from college who has become unrecognizable since she began wedding planning, but that's a different post for a different day.

From the start, I was aware that I would be purchasing my own dress and alternations. The bride offered to pay for our hair services for the day of and didn't seem to mind so much about shoes, nails and makeup. As time as gone on, requirements have changed. She hired someone to do makeup but that cost would fall on the bridesmaids. I decided to not spend the $100 for just makeup and will be doing my own. Nails must now be done a certain way but she won't be paying for it for the manicures/pedicures. Shoes, which she once described as "whatever nude color shoes make you comfortable!" now have to be a certain height, material and style. If possible, she wants to review shoe purchases before we buy them. We are now responsible for tipping for hair services and were instructed to tip "very generously!" And now we are required to wear a certain jewelry which was never discussed before until this week and will be required to purchase pearls.

The other bridesmaids tell me I'm crazy for complaining about the costs, that it's to be expected. Is it just me or is the bride being rude?

Thanks ladies!

climbingsingle · May 2014

Ugh. These fucking brides. I just can't. No one is going to be looking at your shoes, your jewelry and especially your nails. For fucks sake!

This bride is being rude. It's not you. Do you already have your dress? Because if not, I'd drop out of this wedding.

ladyamanuet · May 2014

I concur with @climbingbrideNY. Drop out. This is ridiculous.

chloelady · May 2014

Thank you! I think it's rude to change the "requirements" like this right as we're getting ready to throw her bridal shower and bachelorette party (that she's micromanaged from the start, again another thread for another day). The other girls have told me that I just shouldn't be in another wedding party because this was what was to be expected.

KGold80 · May 2014

She's definitely being rude by dictating specific shoes, jewelry, manicure/pedicure (really? who does that?) and expecting you girls to pay for it. If she wants specific things OTHER than the dress, she needs to pay for them, and that includes the "generous" tip for the hairstylist. If she wants your hair professionally done, she needs to pay for ALL of it.

lyndausvi · May 2014

Bride is being rude and ridiculous. If money was an issue then I would drop out. I wouldn't be mean about it, but I would simply say the costs of being a BM has become a burden and you would rather just be a regular guest.

climbingsingle · May 2014

chloelady said:

Thank you! I think it's rude to change the "requirements" like this right as we're getting ready to throw her bridal shower and bachelorette party (that she's micromanaged from the start, again another thread for another day). The other girls have told me that I just shouldn't be in another wedding party because this was what was to be expected.

SITB

Nope. Those bitches are fucking wrong. I told my MOH to pick out her own dress, in whatever color she'd like. Shoes, same thing. I don't care what her nails look like. I don't care what jewelry she wears. She could shave her head the day of the wedding. The only thing that matters is that she's next to me on my wedding day. She had mentioned that she wanted to get her hair done. So I asked my friend to come do her hair and I'm paying for it.

sarawifenow · May 2014

This is on the bride not you! If she is making all of these requirements, she needs to pay for them all. I would be like, "Bride, I am so happy you are excited for your big day. Unfortunately, it just isn't financially feasible for me to take on all of these expenses. I can do xyz." If she has a problem with this, then come as a guest.

ladyamanuet · May 2014

If she is someone who doesn't understand that ones does not get to ask for or dictate parties thrown in one's honor, then she definitely doesn't get that she cannot "require" anything of you other than to be at the wedding on time in the dress she chose. The other BMs must have some equally shiesty friends if they think this is par for the course....

Politely let the bride know that all you can afford is the dress, so you will have to be a regular guest and unfortunately cannot stand with her as a BM.

NYCMercedes · May 2014

"No" is not a four letter word. It's perfectly acceptable to tell her you have shoes and jewelry and you won't be getting your hair and makeup done because you've reached your budget limit. If that's not okay with her, then tell her you can't help her.

alexnicole452647 · May 2014

My sister in law did exactly this to her girls including specific hair styles and then insisted they wear cheap earrings that she bought them from forever21 that irritated their ears. Suffice to say not all of the girls complied because it was above and beyond too much. My bridesmaids had the option of getting their makeup done but i paid for their hair and the tip, their shoes just had to be black and they could wear whatever jewelry they wanted. Guess what? They all looked beautiful and unique!

Jen4948 · May 2014

Wow. This bride needs to be told firmly that if she wants to dictate what shoes and jewelry you wear and your hair and makeup, she needs to pay for it. Bride or no, she has no right to expect you to break your budget for her wedding.

I'd tell her, "Bride, unfortunately I just don't have the budget to pay for more than the dress. I'm sorry, but if you want me to pay for more than that, I have to stand down from being your bridesmaid."

ElcaB · May 2014

You are not crazy. The other BMs drank the same lemonade as the bride if they think this is acceptable behavior.

I agree with others; let the bride know you budgeted for just the dress. If she tries to force you to conform to her crazy, graciously back out of the wedding.

chloelady · May 2014

Thank you, all. I've already had one discussion with the bride about the costs of alternations and that conversation didn't go well. The bridal shop ordered my dress four sizes too large and they couldn't get a new dress in time for the wedding, so I'm shelling out a ton of money to get it to fit me. Her response was, "I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry about the mix-up."

To make a long story short, the bride doesn't care about anyone but herself at this point. I could write an entire post on how angry she is that a bridesmaid is pregnant, people are complaining to her so much about her wedding that she can't wait for it to be over and how upset she is that so far only the "cheap items" have been purchased off the registries. I just didn't expect the rest of the bridesmaids to tell me that I was "crazy" for thinking the bride would pay for our nails, all of our hair services since she wants it done in a certain fashion. The phrase "it's the bride's day!" has been used quite frequently.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I agree with PPs...I would also add that the other bridesmaids that are married probably did the same thing to their parties which is why it's expected...given your side notes it sounds like this bride has caught the bridezilla bug...

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

There are plenty examples of good brides on this cite. I would tell her no, but that is just me. If someone required at I wore a certain height of shoe, I would laugh. If you want me down in the aisle in one piece, I am picking my own shoes. As a softball player, soccer player, and self-confessed tomboy, I don't have much practice in heels so i will wear what I can walk in.

Also, just for reference, I am letting my BM pick any long navy blue dress. I am letting them wear their own jewelry and do their own makeup (or not if they don't wear any). I am letting them do their own hair, however they want. I have a 6'1" BM (I'm 5'1"), who asked what type of shoes she should wear so she doesn't overshadow me and I said:

"Girl, wear heels, wear flats, I honestly don't care either way. I love your new nude heals"

"But pinkshorts those are like 5 inches"

"So? They are absolutely gorgeous on you"

Emmy1493 · May 2014

During planning, the only thing I asked my BP to get was their dress. Shoes, IDC. Jewelry? IDC. Hair and MU? IDGAC. I didn't have the energy to make choices like that, and you are not supposed to. Unless the bride want's to pay for all of that, the choice is yours. You should not have to go in debt (if money is tight atm.) for a few hours of an event.

I really hope you can say something to her, or drop out if the crap hits the fan. You are being treated unfairly, and that is not right. I wish you best in all of this, and hope the bride and BP pull their heads out of their butt's. (The only reason they even agree is because they were all high maintenance brides themselves.)

KatieinBkln · May 2014

Oh my. This is some un-friendable behavior on the bride's part. I agree with PPs, get out if it's not too late! Have you ordered the new (appropriately sized) dress yet? I would just tell her, "sorry, with the dress shop being unreasonable and the new, added expenses I have to drop out." Then wait for her to explode, and happily go on your way, with the load of being friends with this person off your shoulders...

chloelady · May 2014

Thank you everyone. These responses are making me feel so much better about this and my feelings.

slothiegal · May 2014

chloelady said:
The other bridesmaids tell me I'm crazy for complaining about the costs, that it's to be expected. Is it just me or is the bride being rude?

PPs have covered it, but you are in no way crazy. I'd be downright pissed if I were in your shoes. Being a bridesmaid does not mean you have to obey every whim of the bride or be expected to shell out unexpected costs. She needs a dose of reality and remember that HER wedding is not the focal point of YOUR life.

ladyamanuet · May 2014

flantastic said:

chloelady said:

Thank you, all. I've already had one discussion with the bride about the costs of alternations and that conversation didn't go well. The bridal shop ordered my dress four sizes too large and they couldn't get a new dress in time for the wedding, so I'm shelling out a ton of money to get it to fit me. Her response was, "I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry about the mix-up."
Apart from the bride for a moment - is there no way you can put the salon on the hook for their error? They should be paying for those drastic alterations.

ETA: I am also sorry that on top of everything else, you also have to either shell out money for someone else's mistake, or deal with this bridal shop in getting compensation. Both are problems you shouldn't have had to deal with, and I'm also sorry the bride isn't more supportive.

I concur. If this were me I would be making LOTS of noise until they agreed to pay for their mistake

kmmssg · May 2014

chloelady said:

Thank you, all. I've already had one discussion with the bride about the costs of alternations and that conversation didn't go well. The bridal shop ordered my dress four sizes too large and they couldn't get a new dress in time for the wedding, so I'm shelling out a ton of money to get it to fit me. Her response was, "I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry about the mix-up."

To make a long story short, the bride doesn't care about anyone but herself at this point. I could write an entire post on how angry she is that a bridesmaid is pregnant, people are complaining to her so much about her wedding that she can't wait for it to be over and how upset she is that so far only the "cheap items" have been purchased off the registries. I just didn't expect the rest of the bridesmaids to tell me that I was "crazy" for thinking the bride would pay for our nails, all of our hair services since she wants it done in a certain fashion. The phrase "it's the bride's day!" has been used quite frequently.

Maybe this bride was a BM for the other BM's who are feeding you BS and this is what they all expected. You are not wrong.

chloelady · May 2014

flantastic said:

Apart from the bride for a moment - is there no way you can put the salon on the hook for their error? They should be paying for those drastic alterations.

They offered to alter the dress but I would have to pay for it. They claimed that they ordered the dress so large because of my bust region even though there's plenty of room in the bust and the rest of the dress hangs off like a blanket. Their alteration costs would have cost me the same as buying a brand new dress - like around $200+. There is a lady in our town who is doing it for half price. Needless to say, I will never consider giving that bridal shop my business in the future.

phira · May 2014

I'm sorry this is happening to you. A lot of people drastically change during wedding planning, and it can damage or end a lot of relationships. It's a little depressing that your situation isn't unique.

It's pretty commonly accepted around these boards that as a member of the wedding party, your job is to purchase and wear an outfit (e.g. dress or suit) that the couple has selected based on the budget they've asked for, and to show up sober to the wedding. Pre-wedding parties are icing on the cake. Many of us here have (and will) gladly help out beyond those expectations, out of love for the people getting married. But purchase and wear the outfit and show up for the wedding are the basic requirements of being in the wedding party.

If your friend had said, from the start, "You will need to purchase and wear this dress; you will need to purchase and wear these shoes; you will need your hair, make-up, and nails done in this particular way," we'd still say she was being rude. However, you'd have had the opportunity to say, "I love you, but I can't afford it," and decline. Changing the expectations after you'd accepted the honor puts a rude cherry on this rude sundae.

Do not shell out the dough to fix the dress (it's the salon's fault anyway). Tell your friend that you love her very much, but that you can't afford to be a bridesmaid anymore. Be apologetic, not because you actually have anything to apologize for, but because you want to be the bigger person here. A good conversation ender would be, "But I am still looking forward to attending as a guest and celebrating with you!"

KGold80 · May 2014

ladyamanuet said:

flantastic said:

chloelady said:

Thank you, all. I've already had one discussion with the bride about the costs of alternations and that conversation didn't go well. The bridal shop ordered my dress four sizes too large and they couldn't get a new dress in time for the wedding, so I'm shelling out a ton of money to get it to fit me. Her response was, "I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry about the mix-up."
Apart from the bride for a moment - is there no way you can put the salon on the hook for their error? They should be paying for those drastic alterations.

ETA: I am also sorry that on top of everything else, you also have to either shell out money for someone else's mistake, or deal with this bridal shop in getting compensation. Both are problems you shouldn't have had to deal with, and I'm also sorry the bride isn't more supportive.

I concur. If this were me I would be making LOTS of noise until they agreed to pay for their mistake

I also agree...and I think the bride should be backing you up on that instead of basically telling you that it's your problem.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

phira said:

I'm sorry this is happening to you. A lot of people drastically change during wedding planning, and it can damage or end a lot of relationships. It's a little depressing that your situation isn't unique.

It's pretty commonly accepted around these boards that as a member of the wedding party, your job is to purchase and wear an outfit (e.g. dress or suit) that the couple has selected based on the budget they've asked for, and to show up sober to the wedding. Pre-wedding parties are icing on the cake. Many of us here have (and will) gladly help out beyond those expectations, out of love for the people getting married. But purchase and wear the outfit and show up for the wedding are the basic requirements of being in the wedding party.

If your friend had said, from the start, "You will need to purchase and wear this dress; you will need to purchase and wear these shoes; you will need your hair, make-up, and nails done in this particular way," we'd still say she was being rude. However, you'd have had the opportunity to say, "I love you, but I can't afford it," and decline. Changing the expectations after you'd accepted the honor puts a rude cherry on this rude sundae.

Do not shell out the dough to fix the dress (it's the salon's fault anyway). Tell your friend that you love her very much, but that you can't afford to be a bridesmaid anymore. Be apologetic, not because you actually have anything to apologize for, but because you want to be the bigger person here. A good conversation ender would be, "But I am still looking forward to attending as a guest and celebrating with you!"

STUCK IN BOX ARGHHH

The bolded is lovely but...is she looking forward to it? If not, I don't think she's obligated to continue being friends with this bride, if she doesn't want to. I guess there are multiple levels of "NOPE" that can be had here--no to all the "extras" but still being a bridesmaid, no to being a bridesmaid but yes to being a guest/friend, or NOPE to bridesmaiding, to guesting, and to friendship. All are valid options, to my mind.

chloelady · May 2014

phira said:

I'm sorry this is happening to you. A lot of people drastically change during wedding planning, and it can damage or end a lot of relationships. It's a little depressing that your situation isn't unique.

If your friend had said, from the start, "You will need to purchase and wear this dress; you will need to purchase and wear these shoes; you will need your hair, make-up, and nails done in this particular way," we'd still say she was being rude. However, you'd have had the opportunity to say, "I love you, but I can't afford it," and decline. Changing the expectations after you'd accepted the honor puts a rude cherry on this rude sundae.

- Absolutely. And that's been my thoughts as well. If she had told me from the start, "Chloe, you're probably going to be spend more than $2,000 on dress, shoes, makeup, jewelry, travel, accommodations, bridal shower, bachelorette party, gifts and all the stuff I'm going to require you to do/wear," then I would have said, "Can't wait to attend as a guest!"

yogablossom · May 2014

She's being a bridezilla. Every wedding I've been in where the bride required hair/make up/nails/shoes...she paid for it all. It is unfair for her to have a vision and then expect each of you to carry through with that vision on your own dime.

chloelady · May 2014

KGold80 said:

ladyamanuet said:

flantastic said:

chloelady said:

Thank you, all. I've already had one discussion with the bride about the costs of alternations and that conversation didn't go well. The bridal shop ordered my dress four sizes too large and they couldn't get a new dress in time for the wedding, so I'm shelling out a ton of money to get it to fit me. Her response was, "I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry about the mix-up."
Apart from the bride for a moment - is there no way you can put the salon on the hook for their error? They should be paying for those drastic alterations.

ETA: I am also sorry that on top of everything else, you also have to either shell out money for someone else's mistake, or deal with this bridal shop in getting compensation. Both are problems you shouldn't have had to deal with, and I'm also sorry the bride isn't more supportive.

I concur. If this were me I would be making LOTS of noise until they agreed to pay for their mistake

I also agree...and I think the bride should be backing you up on that instead of basically telling you that it's your problem.

She and the bridal shop are in cahoots. She purchased a $5,000 gown and they gave her a very steep discount if she would spread the word about the bridal shop, required us to purchase our bridesmaid dresses there and have the alterations done there. So for her, she's getting a $5,000 dress for $2,500 and that's all that matters.

She agreed that my large bust was why they ordered a size 22W. Yeah. I'm nowhere near that size.

Emmy1493 · May 2014

yogablossom said:

She's being a bridezilla. Every wedding I've been in where the bride required hair/make up/nails/shoes...she paid for it all. It is unfair for her to have a vision and then expect each of you to carry through with that vision on your own dime.

Agreed 1billion%

climbingsingle · May 2014

Ugh. All of this is a mess. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this.

Here, have some wine.

Bride Being Rude? Bridesmaids Look Expectations

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