Wedding Etiquette Forum

The Money Talk Update in comments

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Re: The Money Talk Update in comments

  • For whoever asked where I live, I live in Cherry Creek in Colorado. It is a very upscale neighborhood. I was very priveledged growing up and I have always been very grateful. My family is very well off. I realize not everyone is.

     

    50k for a wedding is really common in area. I am really hurt by some of your assumptions that I would spend the money just because I can, that I am a brat, that I am selfish...really, you don't know anything about me.

  • kmmssg said:

    And with this, I call troll rolling around in the MUD
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  • Wow. I had a perfectly nice response until I read your later reply.

    My wedding will cost just over $15k because that's what I can afford. All by myself. I guess that means I'm having a shitty wedding.
  • Perhaps I should have posted this on the luxury board?
  • Wow. I had a perfectly nice response until I read your later reply. My wedding will cost just over $15k because that's what I can afford. All by myself. I guess that means I'm having a shitty wedding.
    I never once said that anyone had a shitty wedding!!! I said that corners were probably cut. Is this not true? Were sacrifices not made?
  • Realistically, only your father knows how much he can spend on your wedding. You don't know how much he has, so you can't tell him how much to give you. When he tells you, thank him profusely and graciously. Even in a very expensive area, you can have a nice evening dinner reception for $30,000.
  • Perhaps I should have posted this on the luxury board?
    It doesn't matter where you post. If your tone comes off as being entitled/spoiled, people are going to take note of that and respond in kind.

    I grew up in a really well-off area too (several retired pro athletes live nearby, as well as some coaches), and I never for a moment even considered asking my parents for money. Had they offered, I would never have just assumed they could give me any specific dollar amount - gifts are up to the giver, not the recipient. I'm quite happy to have my fully hosted, etiquette approved, Saturday evening wedding for under 20k - and the only "corner" we cut was not having flowers since the wedding is in a garden anyway.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014

    OP, I will agree that you were jumped on pretty bad with this one. Normally, I am completely on board with these posters, but I find myself disagreeing with PPs today. I don't think you think people's weddings are shitty. I did have to cut a ton of corners for my 12k wedding. I've always wanted an evening wedding, but it is cheaper to have one in the afternoon.

     

    Also, I know Cherry Creek well. 50k is child's play for weddings there. Keep your head up! I still think you should let your dad give you the amount, though. Just leave that one alone. ETF: Finishing a thought it difficult sometimes!

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  • I never once said that anyone had a shitty wedding!!! I said that corners were probably cut. Is this not true? Were sacrifices not made?


    No, that's not at all true. I didn't "cut any corners" and I don't feel like I had to make any sacrifices. Who's making unfair assumptions now?

  • People are saying that because that is how you are coming off.  By expecting the same as your sister, by telling people they must have cut corners to have a wedding under $15K, by saying you're going to ask for $50K to have wiggle room - these come off as selfish and bratty.

    Had you said "my father wants to talk about wedding money.  I would be SUPER grateful if it was just $100, I do know that he spent $40K on my sister. I am much more comfortable with him giving me a number and working within that, but if he asks me for one, is it unreasonable for me to say $40K since that is what my sister got? I really feel like he should be the one telling me what he can afford and me working within that, but if he insists I give him a number, is it wrong to ask for the same as my sister?"

    THAT would have come off as a lot less bratty and selfish and seemed like you were at least partially grateful what your family is generously providing.
    EXACTLY.  OP, it's in your tone, not the substance of your post.
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  • l9il9i member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Wow. I had a perfectly nice response until I read your later reply. My wedding will cost just over $15k because that's what I can afford. All by myself. I guess that means I'm having a shitty wedding.
    I never once said that anyone had a shitty wedding!!! I said that corners were probably cut. Is this not true? Were sacrifices not made?
     
    STIB
     
    My wedding will be about $12k and in no way do I feel corners were cut.  With that I even feel like some of it is not necessary.  Could I spend more?  Sure, but I could also put money into a honeymoon or perhaps my house, or other things that are more lasting than a one day event.  I've been to weddings where money has been thrown at it like no other and to ones that were even less than mine, all were fantastic.  I agree with what others say, do your research and be realistic.  Let your family decided if and what they will contribute.  IMO, later down the road you aren't going to remember and your guests aren't going to notice all the little things that you "absolutely needed" that contributed to a large budget.
  • No, that's not at all true. I didn't "cut any corners" and I don't feel like I had to make any sacrifices. Who's making unfair assumptions now?
    ^ THIS.  I feel like we haven't had to cut any corners!
    At the end of the day, I have a hard time distinguishing any significant difference between a 10k wedding and a 50k wedding. Because really all that matters is two people getting married.
  • Thank you for your responses. I will just let my dad do all the talking.

     

    Once again, I did not mean to offend anyone, but you all really hurt my feelings by saying I am an entitled brat, that I would spend all the money just because, and that I would be upset if my dad invited people.

     

    I hope you all have a nice day.

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  • My FI's mother was gave a generous offer to help with the wedding after we were engaged. It was the same amount she gave my fiance's brother a few years ago. We didn't ask or assume. She offered. I would talk about the type of wedding you want and see what your dad offers. I'm having a 12k wedding and we're not cutting any corners. I found an affordable hall and other venders by doing my homework. Also lots of things don't appeal to us (photobooth, limos, videographers, massive bridal parties, candy buffet) which helped. Your posts do sound entitled whether you meant to or not.
  • Thank you for your responses. I will just let my dad do all the talking.

     

    Once again, I did not mean to offend anyone, but you all really hurt my feelings by saying I am an entitled brat, that I would spend all the money just because, and that I would be upset if my dad invited people.

     

    I hope you all have a nice day.

    If you don't want people to make assumptions about you, don't make assumptions about them. Also, remember that on the internet tone doesn't translate. Read and reread what you are posting to be sure it is coming off as you want it to. Otherwise, all we have is what you give us. And in this instance you gave us no other information than you want as much as your sister plus wiggle room and you think that $15K or under weddings "cut corners" - give us more with better tone next time and people won't "make assumptions" - we can only respond to what you provide us
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  • I don't think you came off as bratty as some think, but you did come across as a bit spoiled. By saying others must have had to cut corners or sacrifice for their weddings that were under $15,000 (which I would have died for) you made it sound like our weddings must have been these half assed consolation prize. Almost like we grudgingly had to accept grilled cheese, a pre loved dress, and an elks lodge for a venue (all of these things are a-ok!) if we couldn't she'll out $15,000.

    Our wedding was right around $8000. Early evening reception, plated dinner with filet mignon, stuffed chicken, and broiled fish, a custom 3 tier cake, a full open bar, and around 70 guests. Sure we "sacrificed" but it wasn't because we weren't handed a big chunk of change. It was because we wanted our guests to have a good time more than we wanted fancy decor. Nice, but simple decor and a well hosted party were our priorities and we never felt as if we sacrificed.

    Don't give your father a number. Say something like, "dad, we think it's awesome you want to help and appreciate it so much. We could never give you a number as that wouldn't feel right to us. Whatever you're willing to give is perfect and will be a huge help to us." Then let him take the lead.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • I never once said that anyone had a shitty wedding!!! I said that corners were probably cut. Is this not true? Were sacrifices not made?
    Yes and no.  Granted I had a much larger budget than average, but we still made plenty of non-monetary sacrifices.  Your dream venue will only hold so many people.  We couldn't invite everyone we wanted in part because of capacity (250, we invited 216) and in part because I wanted to be able to speak with all our guests, and getting around to 300 people would have been too overwhelming for me anyhow.  Our absolute favorite venue only held 100, 80 with a dance floor, so we had to sacrifice having it there because it was more important to invite our cousins and more of our friends.

    It's not just if you have the money, it's also if it is worth the cost.  I DIY'd my pocket invitations because I couldn't justify the amount being charged for them for something 99% of my guests will throw away.  I skipped calligraphy for the same reason, DIY'd the programs (one of my mother's few requests) and centerpieces, and ordered my flowers from Costco because it seemed frivolous to spend more money on those things.  I loved my Mori Lee (under $1k) dress and didn't feel like that was a sacrifice AT ALL.
  • For whoever asked where I live, I live in Cherry Creek in Colorado. It is a very upscale neighborhood. I was very priveledged growing up and I have always been very grateful. My family is very well off. I realize not everyone is.

     

    50k for a wedding is really common in area. I am really hurt by some of your assumptions that I would spend the money just because I can, that I am a brat, that I am selfish...really, you don't know anything about me.

    If you really do live in Cherry Creek, I'm not surprised you think weddings need to be super expensive, I'm sure in your circle they are. But just for the record, most couples in Colorado are NOT spending 50K on a wedding, they are spending closer to 10K so you can absolutely have a beautiful wedding for much less than 50K.

    The point the PPs are trying to make is that you sound like you are going to demand a certain amount of money from you parents because you are entitled to your parents money for your wedding. But you aren't. They are giving you a gift. The best way to handle this would be to tell them whatever amount they want to give will be appreciated and let them set the amount. If you need more than that, save up the rest yourself.


  • edited June 2014
    Wow, I had no idea that there is absolutely no middle ground between balls to the wall spending, and "cutting corners"!

    It makes me wonder how OP lives her daily life, with that point of view. Like, does she go to the salon and order the most expensive service possible, because anything else at all is"cutting corners"? No matter that you didn't want that style! Nothing but the most expensive or Muffy shall tease me for being a peasant! Egads!



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