BYO Food, Drink, Chair - Gifts also Expected

Knottie43854273 · June 2014

I got invited to a friend's wedding. There were no invitations sent out, everything is being organized through facebook as an event. At first, guests were told that it will be a potluck reception and the registry information was provided. I looked back later, and the event info was edited to tell guests to bring their own drinks (no alcohol permitted) and that there will be no seats in the area and that everyone needs to bring their on chair. Now, it looks like the wedding planners want to know the potluck dish that all guests are bringing, and have "approved" the few that were commented back to them. Am I the only person that feels that asking guests to bring chairs, drinks, and gifts is a burden? Am I wrong to be offended that the couple wants guests to bring a potluck dish, but it has to be pre-approved? Help me get some perspective on this!

lyndausvi · June 2014

RUN FOREST, RUN!

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

There is no perspective to gain because every little bit of this is rude and completely ignores etiquette.

Knope2014 · June 2014

That sounds like the worst family reunion ever.

annathy03 · June 2014

Sorry to tell you OP, but you have a terribly rude friend.

A well hosted wedding is not difficult, it involves a seat for every butt, guests not opening their wallets to purchase anything offered/served, and refreshments appropriate for the time of day (cake and punch in the afternoon, dinner at dinnertime, etc).

Your friends cannot apparently be bothered with these things, and I would decline. Possibly with a facebook message along the lines of "Sorry, busy washing my hair, cooking whatever nonapproved food we want and sitting in chairs we've already set up in our house- best wishes!"

jnrsgirl · June 2014

I would not go to a wedding that was so poorly planned. My family loves potluck weddings. Its beentheir tradition for generations where the bride's family prepares the RD. But I have never heard of the dishes having to be pre-approved. That just seems terribly rude and inconsiderate.

kitty8403 · June 2014

I went to a wedding almost exactly like this, and aware of similar ones that have been done by friends or friends of friends. This seems to be something of a trend, especially among young, not particularly well off couples. I agree with PPs that it is rude. Whether I side eye hard or let it go depends a lot on my personal relationship to the couple.

alpacalunch · June 2014

Run so far far away. This is definitely in the top 10 rudest weddings I've heard about.

Wait, are they already married too? Because that would be the ultimate. As it is, penultimate.

April192002 · June 2014

If it were an intimate gathering and the couple nor family could afford a fully hosted reception then I think it'd be weird but okay (but like I said, intimate...as in your family and closest friends who probably already know there's financial difficulty). I know people have potluck receptions for smaller weddings 2nd +, or older couples, but it's usually assigned to people as dessert, side dish, etc. without fully dictating what is being brought (and isn't a requirement to attend). If I was ever invited to a wedding where I had to bring food, drinks, chairs, or whatever else they don't want to pay for and I wasn't super close to the couple, I would respectfully decline (to their faces and talk about it like crazy behind their backs). If I did attend such a poorly hosted event (if you can even call it hosted at this point), my gift would be myself attending with a chair, drinks for myself, probably a flask in my purse, and food - fast food for myself if the item I offered to bring wasn't good enough to be approved.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

April192002 said:

If it were an intimate gathering and the couple nor family could afford a fully hosted reception then I think it'd be weird but okay (but like I said, intimate...as in your family and closest friends who probably already know there's financial difficulty). I know people have potluck receptions for smaller weddings 2nd +, or older couples, but it's usually assigned to people as dessert, side dish, etc. without fully dictating what is being brought (and isn't a requirement to attend). If I was ever invited to a wedding where I had to bring food, drinks, chairs, or whatever else they don't want to pay for and I wasn't super close to the couple, I would respectfully decline (to their faces and talk about it like crazy behind their backs). If I did attend such a poorly hosted event (if you can even call it hosted at this point), my gift would be myself attending with a chair, drinks for myself, probably a flask in my purse, and food - fast food for myself if the item I offered to bring wasn't good enough to be approved.

Still not okay. And why would a smaller wedding get a pass? Or older couples? They are getting married just as much as young people with a big party!

vt&dt · June 2014

OH LORD. Just when I think it can't get any worse....

Not being able to afford it is a terrible excuse. Either plan something different, cut the guest list, or wait and save $. I truly believe (except in the case of serious illness) anyone can afford almost anything - as long as they work hard and save.

April192002 · June 2014

Just because it's not the proper thing to do doesn't mean it doesn't happen. If I were bascially living paycheck to paycheck, had older kids with families, and a few close friends then I would be more okay with asking people to chip in...and they should be close enough to me to know why I'd ask such a thing without having to explain it. Just 'cause you're broke or don't want to spend your life savings on a marriage later in life doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have friends and family gather to celebrate.

kitty8403 · June 2014

April192002 said:
Just because it's not the proper thing to do doesn't mean it doesn't happen. If I were bascially living paycheck to paycheck, had older kids with families, and a few close friends then I would be more okay with asking people to chip in...and they should be close enough to me to know why I'd ask such a thing without having to explain it. Just 'cause you're broke or don't want to spend your life savings on a marriage later in life doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have friends and family gather to celebrate.

Actually, that's exactly what it means. If you're truly "broke" or don't want to pay for a big party, then you either don't host a party, or you scale back your event. Potluck weddings are basically just attempts to have your cake and eat it too. People may still come and be supportive, but that doesn't make the choce to have a potluck wedding any less rude.

bethsmiles · June 2014

sophhabobopha · June 2014

annathy03 · June 2014

April192002 said:

Just because it's not the proper thing to do doesn't mean it doesn't happen. If I were bascially living paycheck to paycheck, had older kids with families, and a few close friends then I would be more okay with asking people to chip in...and they should be close enough to me to know why I'd ask such a thing without having to explain it. Just 'cause you're broke or don't want to spend your life savings on a marriage later in life doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have friends and family gather to celebrate.

Just because it happens doesn't mean it isn't rude. I could host a cake and punch event in the afternoon at my house for under $100, or in a public park with a shelter area for under $200 if my house doesn't have enough seating for the guest list. Properly hosting doesn't need to cost a lot, but it shouldn't cost your guests anything.

AddieCake · June 2014

No way would I attend this wedding.

LondonLisa · June 2014

Very, very rude. I would be "busy" that day and send a card.

phira · June 2014

I'd be super busy that day. Sitting in a chair I didn't have to schlep around with me.

lyndausvi · June 2014

April192002 said:

Just because it's not the proper thing to do doesn't mean it doesn't happen. If I were bascially living paycheck to paycheck, had older kids with families, and a few close friends then I would be more okay with asking people to chip in...and they should be close enough to me to know why I'd ask such a thing without having to explain it. Just 'cause you're broke or don't want to spend your life savings on a marriage later in life doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have friends and family gather to celebrate.

If you can not afford to feed your guests some cake and punch in a lovely non-meal-time afternoon reception you have way bigger issues. Seriously.

There are many ways to have a celebration that does not put you in debt nor make your guests host their own damn party.

FiancB · June 2014

That's awful! I could deal with maybe one of those things. But really, even though alcohol isn't allowed, it's STILL BYOB? Water/punch/pop is not that expensive! I can understand when people can't afford alcohol, but not nonalcoholic drinks ffs. That just takes the (bring your own) cake.

And chairs are expensive, but you'd think they could manage that when they aren't paying for any food or beverages. Whole lotta nope. Curious how many guests are invited?

scrunchythief · June 2014

Where is this wedding that they have no chairs? Not even picnic benches? While I am personally ok with potlucks (still against etiquette, I just love cooking), this is just crazy. At any potluck, you don't get to approve the dishes. Offer suggestions, sure, but not tell people that what they're making isn't good enough. I just can't fathom having a potluck at a place with no chairs.

sarahufl · June 2014

No way would I go.

I also have an honest question. At these BYO Chair weddings- where do you get your chair? I live in an apartment. The only chairs I own are not super portable. I don't have space to store beach chairs, etc. So would I have to go out and buy a chair? What kind of chair should I get? Lawn? Beach? Chaise? Do I stop at Walmart on my way and grab one of those Coleman camping chairs? The blow up kind you find in freshman dorms?

Honestly. This is a real question.

phira · June 2014

sarahufl said:

No way would I go.

I also have an honest question. At these BYO Chair weddings- where do you get your chair? I live in an apartment. The only chairs I own are not super portable. I don't have space to store beach chairs, etc. So would I have to go out and buy a chair? What kind of chair should I get? Lawn? Beach? Chaise? Do I stop at Walmart on my way and grab one of those Coleman camping chairs? The blow up kind you find in freshman dorms?

Honestly. This is a real question.

I have some folding chairs from IKEA. We use them when we have a lot of company over. My future in-laws also have a stock of folding chairs in their house for the same purpose, and they often bring them to family events when more chairs are needed. But that's a liiiiiiittle different.

And while I do have my folding chairs, I wouldn't go to this wedding anyway.

sarahufl · June 2014

phira said:

sarahufl said:

No way would I go.

I also have an honest question. At these BYO Chair weddings- where do you get your chair? I live in an apartment. The only chairs I own are not super portable. I don't have space to store beach chairs, etc. So would I have to go out and buy a chair? What kind of chair should I get? Lawn? Beach? Chaise? Do I stop at Walmart on my way and grab one of those Coleman camping chairs? The blow up kind you find in freshman dorms?

Honestly. This is a real question.

I have some folding chairs from IKEA. We use them when we have a lot of company over. My future in-laws also have a stock of folding chairs in their house for the same purpose, and they often bring them to family events when more chairs are needed. But that's a liiiiiiittle different.

And while I do have my folding chairs, I wouldn't go to this wedding anyway.

Yeah, I know a lot of people have chairs. Rudeness of this WHOLE THING aside, though- some people don't have places for them!

sofakingmad · June 2014

They can afford wedding planners?

OP, please decline or tell them that they are being completely rude.

If I absolutely HAD to go to this monstrosity, I would NOT be bringing a gift.

gladyscf · June 2014

When my FBIL got married last year they had a potluck wedding. I can't tell you how many watermelons were rolling around under the folding tables because so many people brought them. I also came to realize that there are a shit-ton variations of potato salad. Maybe it's not so bad to get approval of what to bring if you insist on making your guests bring their own food.

There was so much side-eyeing at this wedding that I'm surprised people could see straight at the end of it.

The wedding was in August and in Washington state and we live in Wisconsin. I offered to bring a bag of ice but FI told me to play nice.

FiancB · June 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

They can afford wedding planners?

OP, please decline or tell them that they are being completely rude.

If I absolutely HAD to go to this monstrosity, I would NOT be bringing a gift.

I probably would, but it would be my chair.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

They can afford wedding planners?

OP, please decline or tell them that they are being completely rude.

If I absolutely HAD to go to this monstrosity, I would NOT be bringing a gift.

I was thinking this too. Also, can we say that they are probably the worst wedding planners in the history of wedding planners?

FiancB · June 2014

When I read wedding planners, I assumed OP was referring to the B&G as the wedding planners. At least I hope that's the case.

Hosted food & drink & chairs > wedding planners. I would love to have a wedding planner, but really that's the first thing that got cut from the budget.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I assumed it meant the people handling the details, not hired planners. If they are hired planners, you need to find out who they are and post it on here so NO ONE uses them EVER - because daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn that's some bad planning

BYO Food, Drink, Chair - Gifts also Expected

Re: BYO Food, Drink, Chair - Gifts also Expected

Choose Another Board

Search Boards