We hit a kink

ShallowSeas · June 2014

in wedding planning. Originally, my BIL was suppose to marry us. He called us on the night we got engaged very excited and asked us if he could marry us, so of course we agreed. We were happy that he offered and felt so strongly about it.

Thursday night he backed out -_-

FI and I are currently looking for a new officiant. We talked to the pastor of our church yesterday about possibly doing it but he gave us a few requirements...one being that we had to have premarital counseling paid for by the church, which I'm fine with, but the second issue is that FI and I live together. He said preferably he does not marry couples who are living together before marriage but if he does, he requires that they refrain from sex until the wedding night.

Not sure how I feel about that. That's about 3 months of no sex. FI and I rarely go 3 days without sex. Is this a normal requirement? I've known a lot of people get married and none of them had to abstain from sex. I get the whole "no sex before marriage" thing and why he wouldn't approve of it, but I don't get requiring us to abstain from it in order to be married. So I'm irritated. End rant.

CLoGreenEyes · June 2014

I can understand why you'd be irritated! That is really no one else's business. *hugs* Unfortunately I have no experience or advice for you, but I hope you are able to find someone easily and soon!

beanbot2002 · June 2014

What he doesn't know, won't kill him?? Probably terrible advice on my part but...well there you go

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@clogreeneyes thanks! I mean, if that's what we have to do to get married, then so be it. I just feel like that's an important part of a relationship and no one should be told they can or can't do it.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@beanbot2002 that's exactly what I told FI! But FI has known him for a very long time and is very involved in the church's worship band so he doesn't feel right lying to him about it and not honoring the requirements.

buddysmom80 · June 2014

@severmilli12 that sucks that BIL backed out, I hope everything is okay.

Where I live, the Catholic church is very big on the whole pre-marital sex thing. Couples are required to go to pre-cana and then depending on the priest, the severity of how you abstain from sex varies. My one friend's priest who is a younger guy just told them to wait until marriage (it was six months!), my MOH her priest told her and then FI they had to live like brother and sister until marriage. They had to sleep in seperate bedrooms, no physical contact, etc. My mom called the church we used to go to when I was little before I was engaged (she was a little BSC) and there were no requirements except for a couples class. So yes, I've heard of this before.

Can you guys find an officiant that may be a little more lax in regards to the "rules" before marriage?

CLoGreenEyes · June 2014

@severmilli12‌, exactly. Plus, I'm not sure what would even be accomplished by abstaining at this point. It changes nothing about your relationship, and probably just adds to the pre wedding stress.

How does your FI feel about it? Any other options for officiants that you know of right now?

Dignity100 · June 2014

I have to say, I wouldn't feel right lying to somebody who works with the church. Is there anybody else you could look at using (even if you had to pay for them to become ordained)?

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@buddysmom80 I've heard of some Catholic churches being very strict about the couple living together. I had a Catholic wedding the first time around and even then the priest knew we were living together and never once told us that we should abstain from sex or sleeping in the same bed, I guess that's why I was so thrown off by our pastor requiring it. Its actually written in an agreement that we have to sign for our pastor to do our wedding o_O

We are going to continue to look for someone else to officiate it and if we can't find/afford anyone then I guess I'll have to suck it up. BIL was doing the wedding for free so aside from money for a nice gift, we didn't budget for an officiant

Our pastor does weddings free of charge/donation to members which was a really nice perk.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@Clogreeneyes FI isn't too happy about it either, but at this point due to budget restrictions (BIL and pastor are both doing it for free, although we had planned on giving BIL a nice gift) we're kinda stuck at this point. We don't have $500 dollars to pay someone else to do it.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@TwoDimes I would love for him to be able to do it because I like the pastor, but I'm not adamant about him doing it. I've only been going to this church for a couple months; FI has been going a couple years. If we choose to go with him, FI said that we HAVE to honor the agreement.

doubleSS07 · June 2014

@severmilli12 if you guys are ok with someone officiating that is not associated with a particular church, you can check the county website where you will be getting married and they should have a list of people you can contact. We did that because we also had a friend who was going to marry us but he's a Dr. and ended up not being able to get to CA for the wedding. We met with her before hand and she was fantastic. She was open to all type of ceremonies and gave suggestions based on experience. She filed everything with the county for us afterwards and she was only $100! I hope you guys find someone that doesn't break the bank!

Peaseblossom55 · June 2014

We are getting married in the catholic church they have no problem with us living together and they did not mention anything about sex either. I don't know if I could lie about it though, especially if your FI is close with people there.

Can you just try to find another officiant not related to the church that is within budget?

Swazzle · June 2014

That really sucks about your BIL.

If premarital sex is against the religion I don't think it's out of the ordinary for them to ask you to refrain. I would either agree to their requests or find someone more in line with your beliefs. I don't think it's right to lie.

luckya23 · June 2014

My sister had a judge marry her, at her own venue, and I don't think it was even close to $500. Maybe someone you know knows a judge?

carliealissa · June 2014

That does seem so weird and inapppropriate to be so involved in your most personal life! FI is Catholic and there are a lot of "rules" that seem totally wild to me as an outsider (like the women who work at our church showing and discussing a photo of my wedding dress with their priest to make sure it was modest enough?!) , but I never dreamed of anything like that! We don't have to do anything but take the premarital class.

labro · June 2014

I agree with Kelani. How about researching judges in your area? I'm sure many of them will perform a nice, personalized ceremony for you and they probably have some sort of standard format for you to build off of. When my parents got married their pastor asked them to refrain from sex before the wedding. My mom said they lasted about 2 weeks and went ahead and did it anyway. Your situation is a little different, it sounds like you both are very involved in your church and my parents definitely were not so I'd think hard about this.

LabLove86 · June 2014

Do you guys have any mutual friends that would like to/are willing to officiate? In NYS its a (I believe free) online course - and I think its just an hour or so. And they email the cert right to you when done - so you don't even have to wait for it to come in the mail.

I'm sorry that you guys are going through all of this though - it really sucks!! Hugs and support your way!

ETA - I like the judge idea too

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@lablove86 That is something we may have to talk about. We have one friend who is already ordained but he is a groomsmen. He said if we absolutely need him to that he could marry us but if at all possible he would rather stay a groomsman because he feels that if he does the roll of the officiant that he would not be able to drink at the reception like he normally would since he would have to portray a certain 'look'. So that's our last option at this point.

I will also look into a judge. I didn't even think about that being an option.

BreMR · June 2014

Maybe this is a dumb question, but is there a chance your BIL will change his mind?? Is he just having a bad day? I mean, I can't imagine putting someone in that kind of position right before their wedding. Otherwise, I'd go with what Kelani suggested and research judges. I know that where I'm from they do it very cheaply and they go to your location, not just the courthouse. I definitely couldn't go three months without having sex while living with my fiance, impossible.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@BreMR I thought that maybe he was just upset and being petty about it and would change his mind...but so far he hasn't. I haven't heard anything from him since Thursday. If he did change his mind I would gladly take him back as our officiant because I loved that my BIL was the one marrying us.

LabLove86 · June 2014

severmilli12 said: @lablove86 That is something we may have to talk about. We have one friend who is already ordained but he is a groomsmen. He said if we absolutely need him to that he could marry us but if at all possible he would rather stay a groomsman because he feels that if he does the roll of the officiant that he would not be able to drink at the reception like he normally would since he would have to portray a certain 'look'. So that's our last option at this point.

I will also look into a judge. I didn't even think about that being an option.
I can understand why he would feel this way but I personally would have no issue with the officiant drinking after the ceremony - especially if I knew it was a friend of the couple. I might side-eye it if I saw a priest get smashed - but even then I wouldn't think it was a big deal if a priest had a drink or 2 - I also was not raised in a church.

About 2 years ago I was at a wedding for a couple friends and they had a friend officiate - and he DRANK after the ceremony - this is also a big group of drinkers and he was definitely not the most drunk there, but I didn't even think twice about it - and I didn't hear anyone complain about it. And honestly this is the first time I even thought about the fact that he officiated - then had a few drinks.

Anyway - I understand his feeling - but if you guys and the guests are comfortable with him drinking after- then it might be OK - but you want him to feel like its OK too.

Dignity100 · June 2014

@severmilli12 - is there anybody else that's important to both you and your FI that you could ask to become ordained so that they could marry you? I know to become ordained online, it does not cost all that much (I think it's around $25, it's definitely under $100).

You could check with your JOP/council members as well. Sometimes they will come out to a location.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@lablove86 We definitely don't have a problem with him drinking at the reception if he marries us. He is the worship leader at our church though and since we will be having a lot of church members at our church (including the pastor we talked to about marrying us. He was already invited before we talked about him possibly marrying us) he will be representing the church if he marries us and has to present himself a certain way.

LabLove86 · June 2014

@severmilli12 - ooooooh ok - makes perfect sense. I get it now.

phira · June 2014

Honestly, I wouldn't really want an officiant who was so frowny about cohabitation and required us to sign something saying we wouldn't have any more sex till we were married. Although it's really irrelevant--as long as you're married, you're married--it would kind of ruin the ceremony for me.

Two (and a half) options I'd recommend:

1) Ask the groomsman to marry you anyway. The point of him being a groomsman is that he would be an honored guest, and as an officiant, he'd still be an honored guest. You wouldn't be requiring him not to drink at the reception, and you've been clear that he's welcome to. You just need someone to perform the ceremony so you can be, ya know, married, and he's welcome to go back to being a groomsman after that.

1a) If he gives a hard decline, or if you feel like that's already settled as a no, I'd look into asking another friend to officiate and having them be ordained for the day. Obviously, it depends on your state and county.

2) There are ALWAYS tons of non-religious officiants. In MA, a Justice of the Peace usually costs about $100-150 tops, and often, they're flexible on the price.

eilis1228 · June 2014

Eh... I mean, I understand why he's asking you guys to abstain, but that just seems silly at this point since you've been living together. BF and I have discussed who we want to marry us since we aren't religious, and we plan to ask his father to officiate since you can get ordained online for cheap. Is there anyone else in your life who could possibly do it? You could pay any fees for them to get ordained and still use the money set aside for a nice gift for them as well. Otherwise, I'd look around online at local officiants.

You just don't seem too jazzed about this idea, and I feel like you should be on board 100% with something like this. That's just my two cents though.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

@phira thanks for the suggestions! I will definitely be looking into the JOP or clerk or something along that line. I also plan on talking to FI about seeing if someone would like to be ordained to marry us.

I also have issues with our pastor not wanting to marry us because of our living arrangements. The first thing he said to us when we sat down to talk to him about marrying us was, "I don't typically like to marry people who already live together, but when I do, I require them to abstain from premarital sex until after the wedding." The bolded rubbed me the wrong way. It kinda made me feel like we weren't 'good enough' for him to marry us because we live together, or like we were doing something wrong, which I obviously don't feel like we are. That statement immediately didn't sit well with me, and then once he mentioned the no sex thing, I pretty much had my mind made up right there. Because we chose to live differently than he did, we aren't 'worthy' of him marrying us unless we abide by his rules... -_-

I really hope we're able to find someone whose beliefs are more similar to ours.

Blue & White · June 2014

We had a marriage commissioner (found on the county court website) marry us for $60. She did a slightly religious ceremony that was perfect for us and our beliefs. Hope you can find someone soon!

kaitlynmichelle · June 2014

We are having a marriage commissioner drive out to the lake we are getting married at. She charges $75 plus a small fee for travel, so maybe closer to $100 with that included.

However, we are not having religion in our ceremony. She did send me some options of her ceremonies and some were more spiritual than others.

I found her online by searching marriage commissioners near Banff.

eilis1228 · June 2014

kaitlynmichelle said:

We are having a marriage commissioner drive out to the lake we are getting married at. She charges $75 plus a small fee for travel, so maybe closer to $100 with that included. However, we are not having religion in our ceremony. She did send me some options of her ceremonies and some were more spiritual than others. I found her online by searching marriage commissioners near Banff.

OMG I love Banff! I went there a few years ago on a family vacation. What a stunning backdrop for your wedding. Are you getting married on Lake Louisa?

We hit a kink

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