My surprising reaction to a cash bar

tammym1001 · June 2014

So I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar before. It's just not done around here that I'm aware of. The only time I've really heard anything about cash bars is on here and how horrible they are.

So my story: a friend of mine is getting married later this year. I have to fly to the wedding and get a hotel. He informed me recently that they will be having a cash bar. I thought about all the ladies on here and how much everyone hates them, but I said "so what. we don't care about that". The scary part: I actually meant it. I thought for sure I would think it was the rudest thing in the world, but I know their situation and I'm really happy for them and I truly don't care. I'm still going to fly to their wedding, pay for a hotel room, and bring them a gift.

I know cash bars are rude and I'm definitely not speaking for how any of their other guests will feel, but I was just surprised by my reaction when I had to deal with it in real life.

ashleyep · June 2014

Well that's the thing with a lot of these etiquette blunders. They're annoying and an inconvenience. But at the end of the day, it's still your good friend and your family member and you want to celebrate with them, so you let it slide.

KatWAG · June 2014

I would still heavily side- eye a cash bar at a close friends wedding. There just isnt a valid reason to have one.

tammym1001 · June 2014

KatWAG said:

I would still heavily side- eye a cash bar at a close friends wedding. There just isnt a valid reason to have one.

I don't think he was really trying to justify it. He was just giving us a heads up. I just threw in the "I know their situation" because I do. I thought I would feel the same way about it as you, but I was surprised that I didn't. I'm just happy to go watch him get married and celebrate with him.

sarals24 · June 2014

Doesn't mean it isn't bad etiquette.

AddieCake · June 2014

I would still go and be supportive of my friend. Of course. However, I would still find it inappropriate.

thisismynickname2 · June 2014

tammym1001 said:

So I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar before. It's just not done around here that I'm aware of. The only time I've really heard anything about cash bars is on here and how horrible they are.

So my story: a friend of mine is getting married later this year. I have to fly to the wedding and get a hotel. He informed me recently that they will be having a cash bar. I thought about all the ladies on here and how much everyone hates them, but I said "so what. we don't care about that". The scary part: I actually meant it. I thought for sure I would think it was the rudest thing in the world, but I know their situation and I'm really happy for them and I truly don't care. I'm still going to fly to their wedding, pay for a hotel room, and bring them a gift.

I know cash bars are rude and I'm definitely not speaking for how any of their other guests will feel, but I was just surprised by my reaction when I had to deal with it in real life.

I totally understand. I was surprised to see a cash bar (just for booze; soda and stuff was free) at a very close friend's wedding, but it was also an afternoon reception (no gap after the Church ceremony!) so I was just like, "Oh well, guess I'm not drinking today." And you know what? It still is in my top-3 wedding list because we still danced like maniacs and had a blast, and I love the couple. The groom is a recovering alcoholic. I think they went for the "we won't pay for it for reasons but let it be available for those that want it" route. The etiquette misstep did not at all ruin the wedding.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

Which is why we tell brides that your friends and family won't tell you what you are doing is rude because they love you and will be supportive no matter (to a point) what...even if they do find what you are doing is horrid and inappropriate.

Jen4948 · June 2014

tammym1001 said:

So I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar before. It's just not done around here that I'm aware of. The only time I've really heard anything about cash bars is on here and how horrible they are.

So my story: a friend of mine is getting married later this year. I have to fly to the wedding and get a hotel. He informed me recently that they will be having a cash bar. I thought about all the ladies on here and how much everyone hates them, but I said "so what. we don't care about that". The scary part: I actually meant it. I thought for sure I would think it was the rudest thing in the world, but I know their situation and I'm really happy for them and I truly don't care. I'm still going to fly to their wedding, pay for a hotel room, and bring them a gift.

I know cash bars are rude and I'm definitely not speaking for how any of their other guests will feel, but I was just surprised by my reaction when I had to deal with it in real life.

By saying "so what, you don't care," you perpetuate in their minds the idea that cash bars are okay.

tammym1001 · June 2014

I just wanted to clarify that I did say in my OP that I'm aware that cash bars are rude. I was just sharing my real life experience with it and how surprised I was by my reaction.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

Yes, I can see how you would have this reaction. My FBIL and FSIL are having a Honeyfund. I still think it's tacky as shit. But I'm happy to celebrate with them and would never tell them I think it's rude.

grumbledore · June 2014

And?

AddieCake · June 2014

OK, Question for Jen. So you would tell your friend or family member your thoughts on their cash bar if they didn't specifically ask what you think about cash bars?

perdonami · June 2014

I don't think that is what Jen meant, I think she meant to say that OP writing a post about how she was not upset about a cash bar when she thought that she would be is what perpetuates snowflakes to go and have cash bars.

jdluvr06 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

OK, Question for Jen. So you would tell your friend or family member your thoughts on their cash bar if they didn't specifically ask what you think about cash bars?

I was wondering that too.

I know that it is against etiquette but cash bars don't really bother me. I think we are all bothered by different things and this doesn't make my list.

tammym1001 · June 2014

perdonami said:

I don't think that is what Jen meant, I think she meant to say that OP writing a post about how she was not upset about a cash bar when she thought that she would be is what perpetuates snowflakes to go and have cash bars.

I was simply stating my experience with someone I care about having a cash bar. I can assure he is by no means a "special snowflake" and I even stated in my OP that cash bars are rude. It was a post to share my personal experience and how it didn't bother me like I thought it would.

tammym1001 · June 2014

grumbledore said:

And?

And this is a public forum for people to share ideas, opinions, and experiences so I came here to share my experience. Just because my experience doesn't match what other people on here say they would do doesn't mean I don't have a right to post it.

tammym1001 · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

tammym1001 said:

So I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar before. It's just not done around here that I'm aware of. The only time I've really heard anything about cash bars is on here and how horrible they are.

So my story: a friend of mine is getting married later this year. I have to fly to the wedding and get a hotel. He informed me recently that they will be having a cash bar. I thought about all the ladies on here and how much everyone hates them, but I said "so what. we don't care about that". The scary part: I actually meant it. I thought for sure I would think it was the rudest thing in the world, but I know their situation and I'm really happy for them and I truly don't care. I'm still going to fly to their wedding, pay for a hotel room, and bring them a gift.

I know cash bars are rude and I'm definitely not speaking for how any of their other guests will feel, but I was just surprised by my reaction when I had to deal with it in real life.

By saying "so what, you don't care," you perpetuate in their minds the idea that cash bars are okay.

I said "so what, I don't care" because that is genuinely how I felt about it. I certainly wasn't going to lie and tell him I thought it was absurd and I wasn't coming to his wedding. I also wasn't going to tell him that other people would think it was rude because that isn't for me to judge. The truth was that I didn't care and that's what I told him.

So how am I perpetuating anything by telling him the truth?

Maggie0829 · June 2014

perdonami said:

I don't think that is what Jen meant, I think she meant to say that OP writing a post about how she was not upset about a cash bar when she thought that she would be is what perpetuates snowflakes to go and have cash bars.

No she was specifically speaking towards the soon to be married couple in question. She was basically telling Tammy that her saying that she didn't care about the cash bar means that the couple is just that more comfortable with having one.

Look I don't know about the rest of you but I don't go around telling my friends that what they are doing or planning is rude. Now if they ask me to be honest with them and tell them how I feel about X or Y then I will be truthful, but typically giving your opinion on something when you are not asked (I am talking in real life here not on these forums) is not appropriate behavior.

aurianna · June 2014

I know you said you understand their situation. I assume that means they don't have a lot of money.
...A dry wedding would probably have been even more affordable for them, and not rude.

But yes, a bigger person still goes to support the people they care about.
We're going to a family member's wedding soon and I'm anticipating an etiquette disaster based on the invites (which had an insert that specifically said to bring cash because the venue doesn't accept credit cards)... but we love them anyway, even if they aren't being proper hosts (though I'll still complain about it behind their back, obviously. So not a much bigger person I guess....)

annathy03 · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

perdonami said:

I don't think that is what Jen meant, I think she meant to say that OP writing a post about how she was not upset about a cash bar when she thought that she would be is what perpetuates snowflakes to go and have cash bars.

No she was specifically speaking towards the soon to be married couple in question. She was basically telling Tammy that her saying that she didn't care about the cash bar means that the couple is just that more comfortable with having one.

Look I don't know about the rest of you but I don't go around telling my friends that what they are doing or planning is rude. Now if they ask me to be honest with them and tell them how I feel about X or Y then I will be truthful, but typically giving your opinion on something when you are not asked (I am talking in real life here not on these forums) is not appropriate behavior.

QFT. The milestone birthday party MIL threw for FIL last year had a cash bar for alcohol. Did I side-eye a little? Yep, we would have had just as great of a time with the soda they hosted. Did/will I ever say anything to her or my BIL and SIL that helped plan it? NOPE NOPE NOPE.

perdonami · June 2014

tammym1001 said: perdonami said: I don't think that is what Jen meant, I think she meant to say that OP writing a post about how she was not upset about a cash bar when she thought that she would be is what perpetuates snowflakes to go and have cash bars. I was simply stating my experience with someone I care about having a cash bar. I can assure he is by no means a "special snowflake" and I even stated in my OP that cash bars are rude. It was a post to share my personal experience and how it didn't bother me like I thought it would.

************************************* Never said your friend was a snowflake and I was only trying to elucidate what I thought (which after re-reading see that I may have been wrong) Jen may have meant when referencing your original post. Actually, my comment wasn't directed at you (or your friend) at all. In fact, the post was directed at Addiecakes' previous comment.

tammym1001 said:

grumbledore said:

And?

And this is a public forum for people to share ideas, opinions, and experiences so I came here to share my experience. Just because my experience doesn't match what other people on here say they would do doesn't mean I don't have a right to post it.

Go ahead post about your experiences as I think all kinds of different perspectives are beneficial but don't get upset if some other folks share their .02 that differ than your own.

photokitty · June 2014

Maybe I'm a jerk, but when my friends have shared their plans that went against etiquette I most certainly have suggested the E-approved route. For instance my friend is having a gap, we discussed why gaps are rude and how he could host people during the gap. Not sure if he will do so or not, but I politely shared my opinion and knowledge. I want to help my friends, I wouldn't want my friend to let me make an ill-informed decision that would reflect poorly on me and my fellow hosts. Just like I'd want them to tell me if I shouldn't go out in public in an ill-fitting outfit. But that's JMHO

AddieCake · June 2014

I have only made suggestions if people are running ideas by me or asking questions. If I were in Tammy's position, where the plans were already set, I would not say, "Oh, a cash bar is not appropriate." I wouldn't have said that I didn't care, either. I would just not have said anything about it at all.

Jen4948 · June 2014

I wouldn't actually say to anyone unless asked directly that I think a cash bar is rude.

But here, in this forum, posters come looking for advice and sometimes validation, and to say that you had a surprising "I didn't care" reaction to something that is considered rude may be seen, if not by the actual bride and groom who did it, some lurking bride or groom looking for acceptability of it here as okay. And that gives them what they perceive as "permission" to do it.

biggrouch · June 2014

By saying "so what, you don't care," you perpetuate in their minds the idea that cash bars are okay.

I would take this a step further, actually: OP, you are making the baby kittens cry every time you allow people to violate traditional etiquette without passive-aggressively notifying them that they have incurred, deservingly, the Dread Side-Eye (hopefully your own, but a hypothetical one is good enough if you have the gall not to side-eye such a sin yourself). I think you should know that what you did is analogous to hearing someone say, "I'm going to shoot my coworker tomorrow" and not trying to stop it. Do you want a bunch of people at some office tomorrow to die, OP? DO YOU? If not, why are you being so chill about a bunch of people having to pay for drinks?!

tammym1001 · June 2014

biggrouch said:
By saying "so what, you don't care," you perpetuate in their minds the idea that cash bars are okay.

I would take this a step further, actually: OP, you are making the baby kittens cry every time you allow people to violate traditional etiquette without passive-aggressively notifying them that they have incurred, deservingly, the Dread Side-Eye (hopefully your own, but a hypothetical one is good enough if you have the gall not to side-eye such a sin yourself). I think you should know that what you did is analogous to hearing someone say, "I'm going to shoot my coworker tomorrow" and not trying to stop it. Do you want a bunch of people at some office tomorrow to die, OP? DO YOU? If not, why are you being so chill about a bunch of people having to pay for drinks?!

I'm seriously hoping that this is sarcasm and you aren't really comparing an etiquette breach to mass murder.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

tammym1001 said:

By saying "so what, you don't care," you perpetuate in their minds the idea that cash bars are okay.

I would take this a step further, actually: OP, you are making the baby kittens cry every time you allow people to violate traditional etiquette without passive-aggressively notifying them that they have incurred, deservingly, the Dread Side-Eye (hopefully your own, but a hypothetical one is good enough if you have the gall not to side-eye such a sin yourself). I think you should know that what you did is analogous to hearing someone say, "I'm going to shoot my coworker tomorrow" and not trying to stop it. Do you want a bunch of people at some office tomorrow to die, OP? DO YOU? If not, why are you being so chill about a bunch of people having to pay for drinks?!
I'm seriously hoping that this is sarcasm and you aren't really comparing an etiquette breach to mass murder.

I vote sarcasm.

Jen4948 · June 2014

tammym1001 said:

By saying "so what, you don't care," you perpetuate in their minds the idea that cash bars are okay.

I would take this a step further, actually: OP, you are making the baby kittens cry every time you allow people to violate traditional etiquette without passive-aggressively notifying them that they have incurred, deservingly, the Dread Side-Eye (hopefully your own, but a hypothetical one is good enough if you have the gall not to side-eye such a sin yourself). I think you should know that what you did is analogous to hearing someone say, "I'm going to shoot my coworker tomorrow" and not trying to stop it. Do you want a bunch of people at some office tomorrow to die, OP? DO YOU? If not, why are you being so chill about a bunch of people having to pay for drinks?!
I'm seriously hoping that this is sarcasm and you aren't really comparing an etiquette breach to mass murder.

I'm sure it is sarcasm. The point is, if you advocate that you are, even surprisingly, "okay" with something that violates etiquette, you let everyone who sees it, including people down the line who may rely on it, feel comfortable with perpetuating that violation of etiquette. And in a forum dedicated to promoting good etiquette, that's counterproductive.

tammym1001 · June 2014

Jen4948 said:
I wouldn't actually say to anyone unless asked directly that I think a cash bar is rude.

But here, in this forum, posters come looking for advice and sometimes validation, and to say that you had a surprising "I didn't care" reaction to something that is considered rude may be seen, if not by the actual bride and groom who did it, some lurking bride or groom looking for acceptability of it here as okay. And that gives them what they perceive as "permission" to do it.

I did put in my op that cash bars are rude. I also stated that I was surprised by my reaction to it. I'm not justifying their cash bar. I just came on here to share my experience with my first one. People come on here all the time and share their experiences with cash bars, pot lucks, ppds, etc. Just because my experience with it was different than what people on here would like it to be doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share it.

AddieCake · June 2014

Hahaha @biggrouch I LOL'd for real at that.

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