My surprising reaction to a cash bar

Maggie0829 · June 2014

CJLINDZ said:

This is a difficult occasion for all of us and while you may be correct in your statement, Maggie0829, I will do everything within my power to make her wedding memorable even though her dad can't be part of it as we never thought we would lose him.

My apologies to everyone for posting.

And I think that is wonderful but you also shouldn't have to go into debt or be hurting financially to do it either. I doubt your daughter would be happy to know that she is putting you in the "poor house" because of her wedding. Maybe it is time to have a discussion with her about this and maybe tone down whatever it is you are planning.

LDay2014 · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

CJLINDZ said:

This is a difficult occasion for all of us and while you may be correct in your statement, Maggie0829, I will do everything within my power to make her wedding memorable even though her dad can't be part of it as we never thought we would lose him.

My apologies to everyone for posting.

And I think that is wonderful but you also shouldn't have to go into debt or be hurting financially to do it either. I doubt your daughter would be happy to know that she is putting you in the "poor house" because of her wedding. Maybe it is time to have a discussion with her about this and maybe tone down whatever it is you are planning.

Alcohol does not a memorable wedding make. Friends, family, laughs...those are what are memorable. There are plenty of options available if you are not able to host a full open bar, dry wedding, beer and wine, limited bar...cut the guest list, reduce the amount being paid for other thing (Florist, photographer, cheaper meal option, attire etc). There are always ways to do it, if you're willing.

Kudos to you for trying your darnedest to give her the wedding she wants, I know it's hard as a single mom...been there. But, that doesn't mean you have to neglect your own financial self in order to give your kids 'extra' things.

This is about priorities and at a wedding reception, the guests are #1

CJLINDZ · June 2014

I didn't completely ignore anything. It's truly a shame that not everyone is as perfectly informed as you seem to be. Flat mind boggling!

CJLINDZ · June 2014

And Inkdancer, thank you for your input.....it is greatly appreciated.

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

CJLINDZ said:

New here. My daughter will be getting married next year and both sides of the family think a cash bar is a great idea. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it and it helps people keep themselves in check. Open bars lead to many drunk people and the potential for a ruined reception. It is a particularly good option for me because my husband passed away very unexpectedly last year. I've been a stay at home mom for over a decade and now having to work at 51 years old to try and stay afloat and pay for her wedding is extremely hard.

Obviously, I've left myself wide open here, so please GENTLY share your thoughts. I've been to many weddings that have cash bars.

So, while I am not personally offended by cash bars, but I agree that they are rude, and I do find your rationale for one (about it leading to drunk people and a ruined reception and keeping people in check) to be offensive and I disagree with it. Your alcohol-drinking guests are adults and should be treated as if they are capable of making responsible decisions and you are implying that they aren't.

I think it's very admirable that you want to pay for your daughter's wedding, and being on a budget, we're all here to help you make that happen within your budget. We will give you all sorts of ideas, feel free to ask, seriously! I agree with Maggie, that you do not have to do it all by yourself and can look to your child to help. I paid for my own wedding, as much as my parents wanted to help me. I also agree with Addie that you don't need to provide a full bar or any bar at all. You could do an entirely dry wedding and that would be completely acceptable and far more inexpensive.

I did a a limited drink menu with 2 signature drinks, wine and beer and soft drinks, For about maybe 60 people over a 4 hour reception or so, it cost in the $700 range. Before my father in law offered to help us on this, we were going to do punch bowls (alcoholic) and soft drinks. It would've cost us around $200.00 in total.

I know you've spoken to a few people on both sides of your family, I think (as someone else mentioned) that what you might find from all these posts, is that most of us wouldn't tell how we feel about it if we were your guest, that our opinions on the topic are varied, and that the offense has impact on the enjoyment and memory of the event to some (and they are not being unreasonable). So you really don't have any idea how people are being affected by it and In these cases, I would much prefer to err on the side of caution.

In the end, you're going to do what you're going to do. We can only help you understand the different positions.... but like i said, if you want us to help you work it into your budget and be creative and help you cut costs, we are here!

ETA: Corrected Typo

AddieCake · June 2014

One doesn't have to be "perfectly informed on everything" to know alcohol is not a requirement for a wedding.

CJLINDZ · June 2014

Again, I am well aware, AddieCake. I think it would do most of you well to try and be a little bit less abrasive when responding. I've seen several posts on different topics and you can be sure that I am not the only one who feels this way.

While I greatly appreciate input and ideas, you do not need to be rude about it.

MuppetoverLord - There is no need for you to be offended. I know who will be attending this wedding and you do not. They are mostly college kids that love to party and have a good time and I am wanting to keep everyone safe. So, please don't judge when you do not know all of the details. Asking would have been nice.

I really thought I would find nice people here.

AddieCake · June 2014

Wait....what? There are people who don't like some of us or our posting style? After all these years, I had NO idea! Thank goodness you came along to tell us and to tell us how we should post. If you don't like it here, perhaps Wedding Bee or Wedding Wire would suit you better.

lilacck28 · June 2014

CJLINDZ said:

Again, I am well aware, AddieCake. I think it would do most of you well to try and be a little bit less abrasive when responding. I've seen several posts on different topics and you can be sure that I am not the only one who feels this way.

While I greatly appreciate input and ideas, you do not need to be rude about it.

MuppetoverLord - There is no need for you to be offended. I know who will be attending this wedding and you do not. They are mostly college kids that love to party and have a good time and I am wanting to keep everyone safe. So, please don't judge when you do not know all of the details. Asking would have been nice.

I really thought I would find nice people here.

The most effective way to stop people from over drinking, or drinking and driving, is to not serve alcohol, which also solves your budget issues.

I'm having a brunch reception, and serving only bloody mary's, mimosas, and champagne. That's another option, as previous posters have already suggested. Or just beer and wine. Of course, people can get just as drunk off of those types of alcohol.

@CJLINDZ you have not replied about what you think about these other options. They would be more economical, as well as avoid the rudeness of a cash bar.

chibiyui · June 2014

LDay2014 · June 2014

CJLINDZ said:

Again, I am well aware, AddieCake. I think it would do most of you well to try and be a little bit less abrasive when responding. I've seen several posts on different topics and you can be sure that I am not the only one who feels this way.

While I greatly appreciate input and ideas, you do not need to be rude about it.

MuppetoverLord - There is no need for you to be offended. I know who will be attending this wedding and you do not. They are mostly college kids that love to party and have a good time and I am wanting to keep everyone safe. So, please don't judge when you do not know all of the details. Asking would have been nice.

I really thought I would find nice people here.

It doesn't matter who is coming - etiquette remains the same.

But seeing a how they are a younger crowd, what a wonderful time to show them how to properly host a wedding! If you want to keep them safe (and granted, most college kids don't have the whole 'actions have consequences' mastered) then don't have alcohol, or do a single champagne/beer toast (I'd love a beer toast....mmmmm) and a dry wedding otherwise.

There are a lot of options here. And while you might find a lot of posters a bit abrasive, don't let their posting style detract from the message that cash bars in any form are rude.

CJLINDZ · June 2014

I am taking everyone's options into consideration. We are looking at venues tomorrow, so I will discuss it with my daughter, her fiance' and his parents.

Thank you.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2014

Did I miss something? @muppetoverlord gave a very well thought about and considerate response and she gets yelled at by @cjlindz. Seriously? Of course she doesn't know your guests but let's face it, neither do you as you are not a mind reader. Your friends and family may tell you they love cash bars but that doesn't mean that's how they truly feel- why would they want to hurt your feelings (especially during an already difficult time)? Wouldn't it be better to err on the side of caution and nix the cash bar?

Plus, your rationale is very off base. People will still get drunk at a cash bar. Please take the options given to you into consideration. You sound like a great mom and it's really great of you to want to give your daughter her dream wedding. But if alcohol is part of that dream it needs to be hosted. Good luck!

aniluisa · June 2014

AddieCake said:

Wait....what? There are people who don't like some of us or our posting style? After all these years, I had NO idea! Thank goodness you came along to tell us and to tell us how we should post. If you don't like it here, perhaps Wedding Bee or Wedding Wire would suit you better.

Ok, seriously. I usually keep my mouth shut, but why in the world is this necessary? How is it that you can go on and on about being a good host and being good to your guests, but you are so snarky and sarcastic to people online?

I really do appreciate the advice that you ladies give, but this tone is so prevalent on these boards and I find it extremely off-putting and mean girl-y. Just because some of us don't like abrasive/harsh answers (although I know that you would just call them "blunt" and "honest") doesn't mean that we are all special snowflakes that want to hang out on Weddingbee.

ETA: I know that you all won't agree with me. You will probably attack me for saying this. I won't respond, because I'm actually not interested in getting in an argument with all of you. It's just been really bugging me for as long as I've been reading forums on TK and I wanted to throw it out there.

laurakay0705 · June 2014

aniluisa AMEN SISTER!!!

@cjlindz please try to ignore all these rude people. Honestly, I have found that asking a question or posting your opinion on boards other than the etiquette board is probably the way to go. Although these same rude and snarky people tend to go looking at other boards to find discussions that they can butt into to give their holier than thou advice, it's at least 50/50 nice people to rude people in other areas of the knot discussion boards.

Seriously, they should rename the etiquette board the mean girls board. If I wanted an intelligent, mature and respectful discussion or advice on anything, this is not where I would come to get it. I actually started looking at this board to find topics on addressing invitations and the like, but it's overrun with botchy posts about all the "snowflake" brides in the world and how we will go to hell for having a cash bar. Seriously, I'm just going to google the address questions.

Is it weird that people can't go to a wedding website discussion board and instead use google because they can't stand the behavior that is allowed to take place? Someone at the knot should really start to think about that....

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

CJLINDZ said:

Again, I am well aware, AddieCake. I think it would do most of you well to try and be a little bit less abrasive when responding. I've seen several posts on different topics and you can be sure that I am not the only one who feels this way.

While I greatly appreciate input and ideas, you do not need to be rude about it.

MuppetoverLord - There is no need for you to be offended. I know who will be attending this wedding and you do not. They are mostly college kids that love to party and have a good time and I am wanting to keep everyone safe. So, please don't judge when you do not know all of the details. Asking would have been nice.

I really thought I would find nice people here.

I have made absolutely no judgement about you, however, you are indeed judging your guests.

I took 20 minutes of my personal time to write you a really thoughtful response, providing you with perspective, kudos, volunteering advice to help you make things work with your budget, giving you suggestions that didn't include alcohol at all.....and I'm not nice?

You have completely offended me, actually. You thanked everyone else and told me off. I'm sorry I wasted my time trying to be supportive. Also, partying college kids are perfectly capable of acting respectfully at a wedding.

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

laurakay0705 said:

aniluisa AMEN SISTER!!!
@cjlindz please try to ignore all these rude people. Honestly, I have found that asking a question or posting your opinion on boards other than the etiquette board is probably the way to go. Although these same rude and snarky people tend to go looking at other boards to find discussions that they can butt into to give their holier than thou advice, it's at least 50/50 nice people to rude people in other areas of the knot discussion boards.
Seriously, they should rename the etiquette board the mean girls board. If I wanted an intelligent, mature and respectful discussion or advice on anything, this is not where I would come to get it. I actually started looking at this board to find topics on addressing invitations and the like, but it's overrun with botchy posts about all the "snowflake" brides in the world and how we will go to hell for having a cash bar. Seriously, I'm just going to google the address questions.
Is it weird that people can't go to a wedding website discussion board and instead use google because they can't stand the behavior that is allowed to take place? Someone at the knot should really start to think about that....

You are on one hell of a high horse, "Sister".

Liatris2010 · June 2014

CJLINDZ said:

New here. My daughter will be getting married next year and both sides of the family think a cash bar is a great idea. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it and it helps people keep themselves in check. Open bars lead to many drunk people and the potential for a ruined reception. It is a particularly good option for me because my husband passed away very unexpectedly last year. I've been a stay at home mom for over a decade and now having to work at 51 years old to try and stay afloat and pay for her wedding is extremely hard.

Obviously, I've left myself wide open here, so please GENTLY share your thoughts. I've been to many weddings that have cash bars.

Whereas cash bars do not? Have you ever been to a bar? They are filled with drunk people, who are all paying for their drinks. By your logic people should be buying their food too, otherwise they might overeat.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

photokitty said:

Maybe I'm a jerk, but when my friends have shared their plans that went against etiquette I most certainly have suggested the E-approved route. For instance my friend is having a gap, we discussed why gaps are rude and how he could host people during the gap. Not sure if he will do so or not, but I politely shared my opinion and knowledge. I want to help my friends, I wouldn't want my friend to let me make an ill-informed decision that would reflect poorly on me and my fellow hosts. Just like I'd want them to tell me if I shouldn't go out in public in an ill-fitting outfit. But that's JMHO

Yep me too. I very tactfully and carefully let ppl know that their idea is rude. . . validation by silence is tacitly validating, and that keeps ppl ignorant and perpetuates rude behavior.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

CJLINDZ said:

New here. My daughter will be getting married next year and both sides of the family think a cash bar is a great idea. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it and it helps people keep themselves in check. Open bars lead to many drunk people and the potential for a ruined reception. It is a particularly good option for me because my husband passed away very unexpectedly last year. I've been a stay at home mom for over a decade and now having to work at 51 years old to try and stay afloat and pay for her wedding is extremely hard.

Obviously, I've left myself wide open here, so please GENTLY share your thoughts. I've been to many weddings that have cash bars.

And cash bars and regular bars all over the country also lead to many drunk people.

In fact, people who are determined to get drunk, whether they pay for it out of their own pocket of whether the drinks are free, lead to many drunk people.

The rationalization that having a cash bar causes people who'd otherwise become unruly drunks to remain sober is really just an excuse for poor hosting.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

laurakay0705 said:

aniluisa AMEN SISTER!!!
@cjlindz please try to ignore all these rude people. Honestly, I have found that asking a question or posting your opinion on boards other than the etiquette board is probably the way to go. Although these same rude and snarky people tend to go looking at other boards to find discussions that they can butt into to give their holier than thou advice, it's at least 50/50 nice people to rude people in other areas of the knot discussion boards.
Seriously, they should rename the etiquette board the mean girls board. If I wanted an intelligent, mature and respectful discussion or advice on anything, this is not where I would come to get it. I actually started looking at this board to find topics on addressing invitations and the like, but it's overrun with botchy posts about all the "snowflake" brides in the world and how we will go to hell for having a cash bar. Seriously, I'm just going to google the address questions.
Is it weird that people can't go to a wedding website discussion board and instead use google because they can't stand the behavior that is allowed to take place? Someone at the knot should really start to think about that....

OMG Look out everyone, the interwebs hall monitors are here! Watch your fucking language and stop acting like bitches, all you all 'waffles. Why couldn't any of you be bothered to answer he question about her invitations?!

Did you even bother to ask your question @laurakay0705 before claiming that we are all bitches?

VulgarGirl · June 2014

Did I miss where someone was even kind of mean or blunt to @cjlindz? Cause I'm not seeing. I mean, aside from no one saying "What a fantastic idea, all of your ideas are fantastic and you've never had a bad one ever!!", because that's just bullshit. Everyone was very polite and offered other solutions. I didn't even spot sarcasm. How kid gloved do we need to handle a grown ass adult?

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

MagicInk said:

Did I miss where someone was even kind of mean or blunt to @cjlindz? Cause I'm not seeing. I mean, aside from no one saying "What a fantastic idea, all of your ideas are fantastic and you've never had a bad one ever!!", because that's just bullshit. Everyone was very polite and offered other solutions. I didn't even spot sarcasm. How kid gloved do we need to handle a grown ass adult?

Apparently if you dare disagree with another woman on this forum you are being a mean bitch, and donchaknow that women are supposed to support each other just by virtue of the fact that we all have ovaries.

NYCBruin · June 2014

laurakay0705 said:

aniluisa AMEN SISTER!!!
@cjlindz please try to ignore all these rude people. Honestly, I have found that asking a question or posting your opinion on boards other than the etiquette board is probably the way to go. Although these same rude and snarky people tend to go looking at other boards to find discussions that they can butt into to give their holier than thou advice, it's at least 50/50 nice people to rude people in other areas of the knot discussion boards.
Seriously, they should rename the etiquette board the mean girls board. If I wanted an intelligent, mature and respectful discussion or advice on anything, this is not where I would come to get it. I actually started looking at this board to find topics on addressing invitations and the like, but it's overrun with botchy posts about all the "snowflake" brides in the world and how we will go to hell for having a cash bar. Seriously, I'm just going to google the address questions.
Is it weird that people can't go to a wedding website discussion board and instead use google because they can't stand the behavior that is allowed to take place? Someone at the knot should really start to think about that....

Gosh, you're right. We should all follow your example. This post is nothing but polite.

lyndausvi · June 2014

MagicInk said:

Did I miss where someone was even kind of mean or blunt to @cjlindz? Cause I'm not seeing. I mean, aside from no one saying "What a fantastic idea, all of your ideas are fantastic and you've never had a bad one ever!!", because that's just bullshit. Everyone was very polite and offered other solutions. I didn't even spot sarcasm. How kid gloved do we need to handle a grown ass adult?

I guess giving advice on how not to go broke in order to pay for a wedding is bad advice?

Although it does help explain why some kids these days have a sense of entitlement. Parents need to learn how to say no or realize they do not have to give their kids everything.

Don't get me wrong, it sucks that dad passed away unexpectedly, going into dept for your daughter's wedding will not change that.

AddieCake · June 2014

aniluisa said:

AddieCake said:

Wait....what? There are people who don't like some of us or our posting style? After all these years, I had NO idea! Thank goodness you came along to tell us and to tell us how we should post. If you don't like it here, perhaps Wedding Bee or Wedding Wire would suit you better.

Ok, seriously. I usually keep my mouth shut, but why in the world is this necessary? How is it that you can go on and on about being a good host and being good to your guests, but you are so snarky and sarcastic to people online?

I really do appreciate the advice that you ladies give, but this tone is so prevalent on these boards and I find it extremely off-putting and mean girl-y. Just because some of us don't like abrasive/harsh answers (although I know that you would just call them "blunt" and "honest") doesn't mean that we are all special snowflakes that want to hang out on Weddingbee.

ETA: I know that you all won't agree with me. You will probably attack me for saying this. I won't respond, because I'm actually not interested in getting in an argument with all of you. It's just been really bugging me for as long as I've been reading forums on TK and I wanted to throw it out there.

I was raised by wolves.

photokitty · June 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

photokitty said:

Maybe I'm a jerk, but when my friends have shared their plans that went against etiquette I most certainly have suggested the E-approved route. For instance my friend is having a gap, we discussed why gaps are rude and how he could host people during the gap. Not sure if he will do so or not, but I politely shared my opinion and knowledge. I want to help my friends, I wouldn't want my friend to let me make an ill-informed decision that would reflect poorly on me and my fellow hosts. Just like I'd want them to tell me if I shouldn't go out in public in an ill-fitting outfit. But that's JMHO

Yep me too. I very tactfully and carefully let ppl know that their idea is rude. . . validation by silence is tacitly validating, and that keeps ppl ignorant and perpetuates rude behavior.

So I just did it again. My coworker was telling me about her destination wedding and that they are considering getting married here a few days before bc she heard it would be easier. I said, "no, you shouldn't do that because then everyone will fly out for a non-wedding and then it's not really your wedding day." She said, "yeah, that's true." For being rude and speaking up I might have saved her major embarrassment and her guests a ton of money on a PPD.

I think she honestly didn't realize why this was inconsiderate and that it might hurt feelings. Ignorance is bliss...help your friends be informed. I know she'd want to do the right thing, but can't unless someone tells her what it is.

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

MagicInk said:

Did I miss where someone was even kind of mean or blunt to @cjlindz? Cause I'm not seeing. I mean, aside from no one saying "What a fantastic idea, all of your ideas are fantastic and you've never had a bad one ever!!", because that's just bullshit. Everyone was very polite and offered other solutions. I didn't even spot sarcasm. How kid gloved do we need to handle a grown ass adult?

I missed it too. I re-read everything I wrote. I was really nice. I even shared my own experience.

AddieCake · June 2014

It's probably my fault, your Muppetness. Your association with me and my photo in your sig have brought trouble upon you! I will try to behave and stop dragging you down!

lilacck28 · June 2014

@muppetoverlord @addiecake I had no idea that was a picture of you! I always thought you both just happened to look alike!

My surprising reaction to a cash bar

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