How much do you gift?

SBmini · June 2014

ktjanesmom said:

I went to a wedding last summer, the daughter of a cousin. Not close to either one. But I am embarrassed as to how cheap I was with my gift. Especially after seeing what is "normal". Would it be terribly weird if I was to send her a check or gift card this far after the wedding? I really feel bad.

Oh don't feel bad. I actually had a VERY close cousin- the girl who babysat me all the time when I was a kid, come with her family of four to my wedding and give me two wadded up 10s and a 5 that were obviously pulled from a wallet and shoved into a card purchased at the hotel giftshop. Now, I know that I am not supposed to judge one's gift and that their attendance is gift alone, but I was shocked that she would give me not just so little (seriously, 5 a person?) but wallet money at that.

Her husband also polished off an entire bottle of Black Label by himself. He had to be helped out of the reception hall because he couldn't stand. So they more or less purchased the bottle for him to drink.

emmaaa · June 2014

SBmini said:

ktjanesmom said:

I went to a wedding last summer, the daughter of a cousin. Not close to either one. But I am embarrassed as to how cheap I was with my gift. Especially after seeing what is "normal". Would it be terribly weird if I was to send her a check or gift card this far after the wedding? I really feel bad.

Oh don't feel bad. I actually had a VERY close cousin- the girl who babysat me all the time when I was a kid, come with her family of four to my wedding and give me two wadded up 10s and a 5 that were obviously pulled from a wallet and shoved into a card purchased at the hotel giftshop. Now, I know that I am not supposed to judge one's gift and that their attendance is gift alone, but I was shocked that she would give me not just so little (seriously, 5 a person?) but wallet money at that.

Her husband also polished off an entire bottle of Black Label by himself. He had to be helped out of the reception hall because he couldn't stand. So they more or less purchased the bottle for him to drink.

This seems really petty. At least they gave you anything. It is not required.

SBmini · June 2014

emmaaa said:

SBmini said:

ktjanesmom said:

I went to a wedding last summer, the daughter of a cousin. Not close to either one. But I am embarrassed as to how cheap I was with my gift. Especially after seeing what is "normal". Would it be terribly weird if I was to send her a check or gift card this far after the wedding? I really feel bad.

Oh don't feel bad. I actually had a VERY close cousin- the girl who babysat me all the time when I was a kid, come with her family of four to my wedding and give me two wadded up 10s and a 5 that were obviously pulled from a wallet and shoved into a card purchased at the hotel giftshop. Now, I know that I am not supposed to judge one's gift and that their attendance is gift alone, but I was shocked that she would give me not just so little (seriously, 5 a person?) but wallet money at that.

Her husband also polished off an entire bottle of Black Label by himself. He had to be helped out of the reception hall because he couldn't stand. So they more or less purchased the bottle for him to drink.

This seems really petty. At least they gave you anything. It is not required.

You misunderstand my point. I'm aware that I should just be happy that they came and I'm not meaning to outright complain about the gift, regardless of how unplanned it was. I'm telling the other poster not to stress her gift, because it likely wasn't the worst one received.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

SBmini said:

emmaaa said:

SBmini said:

ktjanesmom said:

I went to a wedding last summer, the daughter of a cousin. Not close to either one. But I am embarrassed as to how cheap I was with my gift. Especially after seeing what is "normal". Would it be terribly weird if I was to send her a check or gift card this far after the wedding? I really feel bad.

Oh don't feel bad. I actually had a VERY close cousin- the girl who babysat me all the time when I was a kid, come with her family of four to my wedding and give me two wadded up 10s and a 5 that were obviously pulled from a wallet and shoved into a card purchased at the hotel giftshop. Now, I know that I am not supposed to judge one's gift and that their attendance is gift alone, but I was shocked that she would give me not just so little (seriously, 5 a person?) but wallet money at that.

Her husband also polished off an entire bottle of Black Label by himself. He had to be helped out of the reception hall because he couldn't stand. So they more or less purchased the bottle for him to drink.

This seems really petty. At least they gave you anything. It is not required.

You misunderstand my point. I'm aware that I should just be happy that they came and I'm not meaning to outright complain about the gift, regardless of how unplanned it was. I'm telling the other poster not to stress her gift, because it likely wasn't the worst one received.

But what if it is? Point is there shouldn't be a "best" or "worst" gift.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Trust that people gave generously and from the heart and it doesn't matter what the amount is or how it compares to anyone else.

WinstonsGirl · June 2014

I'm not actually sure where they're going. We're not super close to them, so I was a little surprised to be invited. A box of wine would probably go over well, though I'm banking on cash bar, so it might be half empty by the time they get to it.

peachy13 · June 2014

There have been many weddings for my friends and age group lately (late 20's) and I'm noticing it's very typical to give a registry gift for the bridal shower gift, and cash in a card for the wedding. (I think anywhere from $100-200 per person, is standard-- so $300 a couple, let's say).

Also I noticed someone above posted that they didn't give a gift because they were in the wedding. I have honestly never heard of anyone doing that. If you're in a wedding, you're not exempt from gift-giving! Eek!

beethery · June 2014

spookyblondebride said:

There have been many weddings for my friends and age group lately (late 20's) and I'm noticing it's very typical to give a registry gift for the bridal shower gift, and cash in a card for the wedding. (I think anywhere from $100-200 per person, is standard-- so $300 a couple, let's say).

Also I noticed someone above posted that they didn't give a gift because they were in the wedding. I have honestly never heard of anyone doing that. If you're in a wedding, you're not exempt from gift-giving! Eek!

Arranging or assisting in arranging a bridal shower, bachelor, or bachelorette party can count as a gift. That is why some WP members would not feel obligated to give an additional gift.

cupcait927 · June 2014

spookyblondebride said:

There have been many weddings for my friends and age group lately (late 20's) and I'm noticing it's very typical to give a registry gift for the bridal shower gift, and cash in a card for the wedding. (I think anywhere from $100-200 per person, is standard-- so $300 a couple, let's say).

Also I noticed someone above posted that they didn't give a gift because they were in the wedding. I have honestly never heard of anyone doing that. If you're in a wedding, you're not exempt from gift-giving! Eek!

@spookyblondebride Well, considering that gift-giving is ALWAYS optional, everyone can be exempt. You may be referring to me, as I said in my post that I didn't give a gift AT the wedding for my BFF. I did, however, give her a gift at her first shower (off of her registry), plus threw her a SECOND shower upon her demand (that all of 9 people attended and I shelled out over $200), and helped to host a bachelorette party for her (also $100+). I think at that point, I was well within my right to not give additional money/gifts to her at her wedding, considering I didn't even get a thank you card for everything else I did for her.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Am I the only one who doesn't give bigger gifts "as a couple" than singly? For any gift-giving occasion, one of us is typically closer to the person than the other. If it's my friend or family, I pay, and if it's his, he pays. We don't shell out double now that we're together. I don't believe in "covering your plate(s)" so it wouldn't matter to me that we attend as a couple, or it we're both invited but only one of us can make it. Am I totally in the wrong here? Or is it just a matter of combined incomes meaning more disposable income so gift rates naturally rose, and FI and I just haven't gotten there yet?

ElcaB · June 2014

lolo883 said:

Am I the only one who doesn't give bigger gifts "as a couple" than singly? For any gift-giving occasion, one of us is typically closer to the person than the other. If it's my friend or family, I pay, and if it's his, he pays. We don't shell out double now that we're together. I don't believe in "covering your plate(s)" so it wouldn't matter to me that we attend as a couple, or it we're both invited but only one of us can make it. Am I totally in the wrong here? Or is it just a matter of combined incomes meaning more disposable income so gift rates naturally rose, and FI and I just haven't gotten there yet?

I feel similarly. I know weddings are very different than birthday parties, but in the event of a birthday party I wouldn't give double gifts if we were attending as a couple.

beethery · June 2014

FI covers plates. That's his deal. He was nice enough to make sure I was invited to his friends' weddings, even though I had nooooo money at all. He paid $150 and asked if I'd like to sign the card, because he was happy to give on my behalf.

@lolo883 that reasoning sounds acceptable to me too. It's all about how much you feel comfortable giving.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

@ElcaB and @beethery ok glad I'm not crazy. I mean... the rule is to invite SOs because of the comfort of/respect for your guests and their social status, NOT to get double the gifts. My feeding you at the reception is MY gift to you and your SO, I don't expect double giftage because of it.

cupcait927 · June 2014

@lolo883 I think FI and I will gift more in the future simply because of the increased disposable income. We both make more money than we used to and can afford to be more generous.

csaville · June 2014

When i was in college and law school I stuck to a $25 minimum for sorority sisters. Closer friends get around 100 and family the same. Since I just graduated, I still dont have the funds to just give money for extravagant presents. It also depends if I had to travel for the wedding since a hotel room costs money, and the expenses to get there, so that has to factor into the gift in the end too. Now that Im getting married I dont expect extravagant presents. Its a bit much to ask people to give large presents when a lot of people just dont have the money right now.

csaville · June 2014

Thats just tacky. Seriously. To decide on the gift by how great of a party they throw? Jeez

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

csaville said:

Thats just tacky. Seriously. To decide on the gift by how great of a party they throw? Jeez

@csaville who are you replying to?

csaville · June 2014

The knot wouldnt let me comment on the post. It was to the person who posted that she would decide upon the gift as to how what kind of bar was offered...etc. So tacky.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

csaville said:

The knot wouldnt let me comment on the post. It was to the person who posted that she would decide upon the gift as to how what kind of bar was offered...etc. So tacky.

You have to quote or @ mention. And if you're referring to the one mentioning a cash bar, I don't find that tacky What's tacky is anyone deferring the costs of the wedding to their guests. If I'm shelling out 30-40 bucks on drinks at an event that should have been hosted, then you (general "you," not you specifically) can't expect me to shell out even MORE money as a gift. Why should I be generous toward you when you haven't been toward me, and have just shown you're a crappy budgeter? Dry weddings aren't tacky. Limited bars aren't tacky. Cash bars are.

NYCBruin · June 2014

lolo883 said:

csaville said:

The knot wouldnt let me comment on the post. It was to the person who posted that she would decide upon the gift as to how what kind of bar was offered...etc. So tacky.

You have to quote or @ mention. And if you're referring to the one mentioning a cash bar, I don't find that tacky What's tacky is anyone deferring the costs of the wedding to their guests. If I'm shelling out 30-40 bucks on drinks at an event that should have been hosted, then you (general "you," not you specifically) can't expect me to shell out even MORE money as a gift. Why should I be generous toward you when you haven't been toward me, and have just shown you're a crappy budgeter? Dry weddings aren't tacky. Limited bars aren't tacky. Cash bars are.

Agreed. I don't see writing a check for less money because of a cash bar as tacky, I see it as a shift in your gift. So I was going to give you $100, but I spent $40 on your cash bar. Since you should have been properly hosting, by writing a check for $60, I'm still giving you $100 ($60 in cash and $40 as the gift of helping you fund your reception).

Now, I agree, if someone gave less because it was a dry wedding, I'd judge them for that.

OnceUponAVine · June 2014

ElcaB said:

lolo883 said:

Am I the only one who doesn't give bigger gifts "as a couple" than singly? For any gift-giving occasion, one of us is typically closer to the person than the other. If it's my friend or family, I pay, and if it's his, he pays. We don't shell out double now that we're together. I don't believe in "covering your plate(s)" so it wouldn't matter to me that we attend as a couple, or it we're both invited but only one of us can make it. Am I totally in the wrong here? Or is it just a matter of combined incomes meaning more disposable income so gift rates naturally rose, and FI and I just haven't gotten there yet?

I feel similarly. I know weddings are very different than birthday parties, but in the event of a birthday party I wouldn't give double gifts if we were attending as a couple.

I'm of the same mindset. For weddings/birthdays/baby showers/house warming parties my boyfriend and I alternate paying based on who is closer. For weddings I typically will gift a friend $100, no one in my family will be getting married anytime soon so how much I gift then will depend on my financial situation at that point.

LadyMillil · June 2014

csaville said:

The knot wouldnt let me comment on the post. It was to the person who posted that she would decide upon the gift as to how what kind of bar was offered...etc. So tacky.

I don't know if this was directed at me. I said that I give less if there was a stag and doe and a cash bar. I find it incredibly rude and tacky that people hold a fundraiser to pay for their wedding AND don't host their guests properly. I've already donated $40-60 to the bride and groom at the stag and doe so I give $50 at the wedding. The total amount I give the bride and groom is the same, but I've split my gift money between the stag and doe and the wedding.

The only dry wedding I've been to didn't have a stag and doe.

FutureMrsN3312 · June 2014

Some people are ridiculous. "Friends" of my ILs told them that they took money out of our envelope because we didn't do table visits (we did a receiving line at the church, greeted and thanked guests as they arrived at the venue, went to our cocktail hour to visit and thank people, and we made sure to say our good byes) if that's not good enough I don't know what to tell you. We felt like we saw everyone so decided to skip the table visits. This particular couple we actually stood at the bar and had a drink with. Luckily our photographer took a picture of this. So take that!

Another "friend" of theirs took money out because we didn't have favors. We did a candy bar (which guests got to fill bags with candy to take home) and a photo booth. Again didn't think a favor was necessary. I question people who tell "friends" that they took money out of an envelope.

ElcaB · June 2014

FutureMrsN3312 said:

Some people are ridiculous. "Friends" of my ILs told them that they took money out of our envelope because we didn't do table visits (we did a receiving line at the church, greeted and thanked guests as they arrived at the venue, went to our cocktail hour to visit and thank people, and we made sure to say our good byes) if that's not good enough I don't know what to tell you. We felt like we saw everyone so decided to skip the table visits. This particular couple we actually stood at the bar and had a drink with. Luckily our photographer took a picture of this. So take that!

Another "friend" of theirs took money out because we didn't have favors. We did a candy bar (which guests got to fill bags with candy to take home) and a photo booth. Again didn't think a favor was necessary. I question people who tell "friends" that they took money out of an envelope.

These people sound like they're nuts. You & H did nothing wrong --- the way I've learned, as long as you do at least one or the other (receiving line or table visits) you're practicing good etiquette.

Are both of these "friends" old? Like, grandma & grandpa old?

FutureMrsN3312 · June 2014

ElcaB said:

FutureMrsN3312 said:

Some people are ridiculous. "Friends" of my ILs told them that they took money out of our envelope because we didn't do table visits (we did a receiving line at the church, greeted and thanked guests as they arrived at the venue, went to our cocktail hour to visit and thank people, and we made sure to say our good byes) if that's not good enough I don't know what to tell you. We felt like we saw everyone so decided to skip the table visits. This particular couple we actually stood at the bar and had a drink with. Luckily our photographer took a picture of this. So take that!

Another "friend" of theirs took money out because we didn't have favors. We did a candy bar (which guests got to fill bags with candy to take home) and a photo booth. Again didn't think a favor was necessary. I question people who tell "friends" that they took money out of an envelope.

These people sound like they're nuts. You & H did nothing wrong --- the way I've learned, as long as you do at least one or the other (receiving line or table visits) you're practicing good etiquette.

Are both of these "friends" old? Like, grandma & grandpa old?

Nah just shitheads...they're in their late 50's. Meanwhile at their daughters wedding there wasn't enough seats at cocktail hour, limited bar (rest was cash), and not enough food. They wouldn't know etiquette if they fell over it so I don't let them get to me but its just ballsy to even bring up.

PrincessOfHavoc · June 2014

Depends....

Are you being a good host, do we actually like you, what all is involved in your day all play in.

If I see anything with Honeyfund, I get them a financial basics book and that's it. Seriously, you are just giving a random company 7% of your gift, you need help.

Start around $100, have gone to $1,500.

ElcaB · June 2014

FutureMrsN3312 said:

ElcaB said:

FutureMrsN3312 said:

Some people are ridiculous. "Friends" of my ILs told them that they took money out of our envelope because we didn't do table visits (we did a receiving line at the church, greeted and thanked guests as they arrived at the venue, went to our cocktail hour to visit and thank people, and we made sure to say our good byes) if that's not good enough I don't know what to tell you. We felt like we saw everyone so decided to skip the table visits. This particular couple we actually stood at the bar and had a drink with. Luckily our photographer took a picture of this. So take that!

Another "friend" of theirs took money out because we didn't have favors. We did a candy bar (which guests got to fill bags with candy to take home) and a photo booth. Again didn't think a favor was necessary. I question people who tell "friends" that they took money out of an envelope.

These people sound like they're nuts. You & H did nothing wrong --- the way I've learned, as long as you do at least one or the other (receiving line or table visits) you're practicing good etiquette.

Are both of these "friends" old? Like, grandma & grandpa old?

Nah just shitheads...they're in their late 50's. Meanwhile at their daughters wedding there wasn't enough seats at cocktail hour, limited bar (rest was cash), and not enough food. They wouldn't know etiquette if they fell over it so I don't let them get to me but its just ballsy to even bring up.

I mean, you'd have to be a shithead to do something like that. It kind of reminds me of the opening scene in 27 Dresses where she deducts cash from the cab driver for peeking at her while she's changing between weddings (although that is totally different, obviously).

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

ElcaB said:

FutureMrsN3312 said:

ElcaB said:

FutureMrsN3312 said:

Some people are ridiculous. "Friends" of my ILs told them that they took money out of our envelope because we didn't do table visits (we did a receiving line at the church, greeted and thanked guests as they arrived at the venue, went to our cocktail hour to visit and thank people, and we made sure to say our good byes) if that's not good enough I don't know what to tell you. We felt like we saw everyone so decided to skip the table visits. This particular couple we actually stood at the bar and had a drink with. Luckily our photographer took a picture of this. So take that!

Another "friend" of theirs took money out because we didn't have favors. We did a candy bar (which guests got to fill bags with candy to take home) and a photo booth. Again didn't think a favor was necessary. I question people who tell "friends" that they took money out of an envelope.

These people sound like they're nuts. You & H did nothing wrong --- the way I've learned, as long as you do at least one or the other (receiving line or table visits) you're practicing good etiquette.

Are both of these "friends" old? Like, grandma & grandpa old?

Nah just shitheads...they're in their late 50's. Meanwhile at their daughters wedding there wasn't enough seats at cocktail hour, limited bar (rest was cash), and not enough food. They wouldn't know etiquette if they fell over it so I don't let them get to me but its just ballsy to even bring up.

I mean, you'd have to be a shithead to do something like that. It kind of reminds me of the opening scene in 27 Dresses where she deducts cash from the cab driver for peeking at her while she's changing between weddings (although that is totally different, obviously).

Yeah these sound completely outside the realm of anything mentioned here as a legitimate decision-making strategy for gift giving. Like what, you start the night with 100 $1s and peel some off the top for each infraction?

Don't like the dress, -$5.

First kiss was sloppy, -$2.

Didn't fit pump during the recessional, +$3.

Only offered chicken and roast beef but no steak, -$15.

Got a second piece of cake, +$2

Waegerle87 · June 2014

Wow, I feel cheap. I usually give $50, but have given as low as $25. This is also considering I usually attend at least one shower and give a gift costing between $25-50 for that as well.

ashley8918 · June 2014

We will give a gift or two off the registry at the shower and $100 at the wedding, generally.

Aray82 · June 2014

Lately it's been 40-50...from both of us. Because the weddings we've been to recently have required extensive travel expenses. When we're able to give more, it'll be more, likely $150ish. For showers, usually $30-50 depending on what I can afford. That said, we always like to give something even when we don't have much and cash requests are alienating for people in our income bracket. FI is still embarrassed about only being able to give $50 from both of us to his college friend's wedding after we'd spent a lot for the road trip and hotel and they asked for cash on their website to help with their Virgin Islands honeymoon. He thinks the reason we never got a thank you note was because the gift "wasn't enough". I keep having to explain, "No, honey--it's because your friends are asshats." If people want to give a gift, they will do so based on what they can afford. For all occasions, I give the most I am able to give at the moment in the most thoughtful way possible (ie, buying from registry if there is one or remembering a bag my mom was admiring), and I would just assume anyone who gives me a gift does the same. ETA: We're also both full-time students at an age range in which many of our friends are getting married, so that affects how much we can give right now. But we both enjoy giving gifts so we do still give something even if it's not much.

How much do you gift?

Re: How much do you gift?

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