How much do you gift?

Aray82 · June 2014

Waegerle87 said:

Wow, I feel cheap. I usually give $50, but have given as low as $25. This is also considering I usually attend at least one shower and give a gift costing between $25-50 for that as well.

I have, too. I'm a student currently and so is FI. Most of our close mutual friends who are getting married soon are as well, so I would hope they understand.

Aray82 · June 2014

KPBM89 said:

ElcaB said:

KPBM89 said:

Before we moved, FI and I would give around $150. Now that we have to travel 24+ hours to go to weddings, we typically give $50-100, more if they're family. It costs us a lot of money to do all the travel, plus whatever we paid for the gifts we had sent for showers.

I'd love to know if any of the couples ever appreciated their money and gifts though. We have never received a thank you card for anything we've given at a wedding or shower. Not a single one. And I've been to a fuckton of weddings.

Are you kidding me? This makes me stabby.

I wish I were kidding. Sadly, this includes my brother's wedding (and his wife's shower beforehand), my cousin's wedding, the weddings of several close friends, my cousin's baby shower, and my brother's baby shower.

There is only one exception now that I think about it. It was a surprise baby shower that I hosted for a dear friend/ coworker a couple years ago. She gave me the most heartfelt card ever. I cried when I read it and it still hangs on my wall.

I received two TY notes from the three baby showers and 8 weddings that I've been to in the last couple of years. For a few, my parents' got a non-personalized photo card for all of us, but I haven't lived with them for over a decade and I definitely sent my own gift! I just think people don't really stop to consider why they matter, or think if they're exhausted and busy after the wedding/honeymoon, it's something they can check off their to-do list because people won't really care about something as small as a card...but we do care! A lot! And we remember and save them!

My parents put the fear of God into me and my siblings when it comes to the importance of proper, timely, personalized thank-yous, for any gift, and I intend to do the same with my kids.

sunshyney · June 2014

If they are registered, I give off of the registry and expect to spend somewhere between $50-$100. At weddings where cash is the norm (i.e. most Asian weddings) a check for $100-200 will suffice, depending on how close I am to them and how much I can afford at the time. Traveling for the wedding or being in the bridal party does not make a difference on how much I give. Trying to guess how much my plate cost is too difficult and doesn't make sense to me. I flew to Japan for a wedding and gave $100 (in a check since I knew the couple lived in the US and probably would have to exchange yen back to dollars). I got asked to be a last minute bridesmaid at a wedding taking place that weekend and gave nothing.

As far as thank you cards go, I've received thank you cards for every wedding I gave a gift to except the last two, in Nov. 2013...I'm giving the benefit of the doubt and hope that they think they have a year to write the cards. We'll see.

Oh, and one last note. The Japanese wedding couple actually sent me a thank you card AND a thank you gift, as a thank you for my wedding gift. In addition to the gifts they gave everyone at the reception. The Japanese are number one in gift giving etiquette. They probably think all of us are a bunch of cheap skates, ha ha!

perdonami · June 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

It totally depends on the circumstances. We typically give boxed gifts from the registry, but we've been moving more towards giving cash. Assuming FI and I both attend:

- For someone where I'm pretty sure I'm just a courtesy invite because we're not close, $75-100
- For a friend/coworker, $200
- For family $300-1,000

Then there are extenuating circumstances:

- If your wedding is timed so we have to either book a hotel room over night or drive home in the middle of the night, I deduct the approximate amount of the hotel room or $50 if I have to drive home at 2am

Would you do this if you were an out of town guest or if it was a DW and you knew ahead of time? Unfortunately, I am doing kind of a DW as its about a 2.5 hour drive to our venue for the majority of our guests and so everyone will most likely have to get a hotel.. or leave after dinner and cake to avoid a late night drive home.

I hope this is not being inconsiderate of my guests...

None of my guests will have to open their wallet for anything at my wedding besides for lodging, transportation to the venue, and a gift if they feel inclined to do so. There will be lots of food, cake/desserts, and drinks for everyone (and an assigned seat for each butt).

perdonami · June 2014

MairePoppy said:

@CookiePusher - Your payment scale reminds me: My father's cousin would size up the meal, bar, hospitality and entertainment and then write up her check in the lady's room. She deducted money from my wedding gift because I didn't invite her two adult daughters and SIL. She explained her reasoning to one of my bms to make sure I understood why I was being penalized. At my shower, she gave me an ugly hand made ceramic candy dish and took home a weeks worth of left over food from the buffet.

Your father's cousin sounds like a real peach.

Cookie Pusher · June 2014

perdonami said:
Would you do this if you were an out of town guest or if it was a DW and you knew ahead of time? Unfortunately, I am doing kind of a DW as its about a 2.5 hour drive to our venue for the majority of our guests and so everyone will most likely have to get a hotel.. or leave after dinner and cake to avoid a late night drive home.

I hope this is not being inconsiderate of my guests...

None of my guests will have to open their wallet for anything at my wedding besides for lodging, transportation to the venue, and a gift if they feel inclined to do so. There will be lots of food, cake/desserts, and drinks for everyone (and an assigned seat for each butt).

Depends. If I haven't booked a hotel room for your wedding, I'm going to leave early so that I won't have to drive in the middle of the night. If you make my leaving early difficult (like having been voluntold I have to help clean up or guilt-tripping me or having everything at the wedding take a super long time), I absolutely will leave a less-full envelope. If it's on top of other etiquette faux pas, your gift will be a bit lighter. I have been to the 6 o'clock wedding where the salad course wasn't served until 9pm and cake-cutting was after 11. You better believe I gave a smaller gift. Sorry, you can't expect me to be happy about sitting around for hours with nothing to eat but some crudite.

perdonami · June 2014

FutureMrsN3312 said:

Some people are ridiculous. "Friends" of my ILs told them that they took money out of our envelope because we didn't do table visits (we did a receiving line at the church, greeted and thanked guests as they arrived at the venue, went to our cocktail hour to visit and thank people, and we made sure to say our good byes) if that's not good enough I don't know what to tell you. We felt like we saw everyone so decided to skip the table visits. This particular couple we actually stood at the bar and had a drink with. Luckily our photographer took a picture of this. So take that!

Another "friend" of theirs took money out because we didn't have favors. We did a candy bar (which guests got to fill bags with candy to take home) and a photo booth. Again didn't think a favor was necessary. I question people who tell "friends" that they took money out of an envelope.

That is just awful.. its one thing to reduce the amount of your cash gift if you feel the hosts are being rude to you but its another thing entirely to tell other guests this information with the hope it will get back to the hosts.

The worst part is that it sounds like you were a gracious host and the best appreciation they could give you is a rude remark? Geez, talk about being a rude jerk. If I were your ILs I would be embarrassed for them.

perdonami · June 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

perdonami said:
Would you do this if you were an out of town guest or if it was a DW and you knew ahead of time? Unfortunately, I am doing kind of a DW as its about a 2.5 hour drive to our venue for the majority of our guests and so everyone will most likely have to get a hotel.. or leave after dinner and cake to avoid a late night drive home.

I hope this is not being inconsiderate of my guests...

None of my guests will have to open their wallet for anything at my wedding besides for lodging, transportation to the venue, and a gift if they feel inclined to do so. There will be lots of food, cake/desserts, and drinks for everyone (and an assigned seat for each butt).

Depends. If I haven't booked a hotel room for your wedding, I'm going to leave early so that I won't have to drive in the middle of the night. If you make my leaving early difficult (like having been voluntold I have to help clean up or guilt-tripping me or having everything at the wedding take a super long time), I absolutely will leave a less-full envelope. If it's on top of other etiquette faux pas, your gift will be a bit lighter. I have been to the 6 o'clock wedding where the salad course wasn't served until 9pm and cake-cutting was after 11. You better believe I gave a smaller gift. Sorry, you can't expect me to be happy about sitting around for hours with nothing to eat but some crudite.

Okay, then I am feeling a lot better about my reception now. We're having cocktail hour at 6PM and dinner will be served at 7PM and cake cutting will be at 8:30PM. However, if you didn't get a hotel room you would have to leave right after cake to avoid a late night ride home (and probably couldn't enjoy the open bar too much as a result) as a guest at my wedding.

Cookie Pusher · June 2014

perdonami said:
Okay, then I am feeling a lot better about my reception now. We're having cocktail hour at 6PM and dinner will be served at 7PM and cake cutting will be at 8:30PM. However, if you didn't get a hotel room you would have to leave right after cake to avoid a late night ride home (and probably couldn't enjoy the open bar too much as a result) as a guest at my wedding.

See, I'd be fine with that. If I haven't booked a hotel room, I don't plan on drinking much anyway (I'm always DD). As long as you're not treating me rudely in other ways, it's my choice to not stay late and I wouldn't penalize you for it. If, however, you commit a whole bunch of other etiquette mistakes, a lot more stuff is going to be fair game for a reduction of your gift. If you can't respect me/my time/my money, then you don't get any of it anymore.

perdonami · June 2014

I will say, that I am a very generous gift giver and will budget if necessary to get someone a lovely gift. However, if you do not provide me with a thank you card you will never get anything from me ever again.

If I took the time and budgeted to get you a thoughtful gift, the least you could do is write me a thank you card.

This is such a pet peeve of mine.

Waegerle87 you shouldn't feel bad or cheap about any gift you give. We give to those we care about within our means and any gift is always appreciated. There is a lot of truth to the phrase: 'it's the thought that counts.' We give what we can, when we can and nothing more should be expected.

bnwright0721 · June 2014

ITT: Some crazy-rich people.

FiancB · June 2014

We typically give a gift worth $60-$120, which seems to be pretty normal for our circle/area.

bucksgirl414 · June 2014

PPD?

SaraMDC · June 2014

A minimum of $100 per person attending. Unless they are not having an open bar...then likely $75 per person.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

bucksgirl414 said:

PPD?

bucksgirl414 pretty princess day. It is when you are already married (often hiding the fact that you are) and throw a fake second "wedding" so people can "witness" you "get married" and give you gifts.

johnetteweber · June 2014

I just got married 2 weeks ago and the average amount was either $50 or $100.

kkilgallon · July 2014

At minimum you're supposed to pay for your plate!

cupcait927 · July 2014

kkilgallon said:

At minimum you're supposed to pay for your plate!

Yeah, this is a really outdated rule. Considering gifts are optional to begin with, and the reception is a thank you to the guests for coming, no one should be "expected" to cover their plate.

MairePoppy · July 2014

kkilgallon said:

At minimum you're supposed to pay for your plate!

This was never an etiquette rule.

Why would the guests have to cover their plates when they have no control over the cost? No couple should count on their guests covering the cost of their plates.

lauraukoctober2014 · July 2014

In the UK i've never really thought too much about how much to give. We're going to a wedding reception next month and itll be 50pounds between us. Not because its all we can afford, but the idea of giving several hundred pounds is mad!

xnotbobx · July 2014

My relatives insist on putting me on my mother's invite, at least I assume it's me since they misspell my name, so I go in on hers. I don't think we've spent more than $50-75 for shower and wedding gift combined.

I've never been to a non-family wedding.

hellosweetie1015 · July 2014

...I feel terrible after reading this. I've only been to one wedding as an adult, but I bought a registry shower gift that cost less than $40 for sure, and didn't give anything for the wedding. I didn't realize that the wedding meant a gift, but I wouldn't have been able to afford any more at the time anyway. I know it's not required, but they're my friends, and I feel like I should have at least given something.

If anyone - including the aunt that took my entire family of six to Hawaii with her - cut me a $1500.00 check for a present, I would be on the floor in a big white heap and end up with a blankie for shock.

FiancB · July 2014

So now that I'm an OMH, I'll report that most people gave us $50-100 or something worth around that, with a few things that were worth less, like a roasting pan or cutting board or what have you, and a small handful giving more. Someone gave us $10, which is so that person that it was more funny than anything because he is just oblivious to this kind of thing. Anyway, it made me less paranoid about not having given enough in the past and feel like that range is pretty normal for my area (MN, where IME catering runs $25-35 pp)

ShadeofGreen816 · July 2014

Ugh I'm feeling a little like a brat but this just happened to me this week. Friend from college, got married almost a year ago. Invites had one of those "cutesy" cash poems, so I gave her $75 in cash and a card. NEVER receive a thank you...So my wedding comes around, and she RSVPs no. And puts a folded up Visa gift card in the envelope with the RSVP, no note, nothing... for $25. WTH? I kinda feel like it would have been better if she did nothing! Better bet her TY note went out the very next day and was as nice as I could be without sounding sarcastic.

NYCBruin · July 2014

kkilgallon said:

At minimum you're supposed to pay for your plate!

Aside from this not being a rule and gift giving being optional and all that, how is one supposed to know the cost of their plate?

FiancB · July 2014

NYCBruin said:

kkilgallon said:

At minimum you're supposed to pay for your plate!

Aside from this not being a rule and gift giving being optional and all that, how is one supposed to know the cost of their plate?

That, and I don't really think someone that can afford the best caterer in town really deserves more than someone that keeps things small and simple. It's an okay rule of thumb when accounting for regional differences, but that's about it.

Cookie Pusher · July 2014

We didn't register for anything as we've lived together long enough to already have the nicer versions of the things we want (I'm the girl who's had Lenox full service for 8 sitting in her pantry for nearly a decade). Almost all of our guests gave us cash gifts, and were quite generous - most gave $75-100 per person and several gave more than that. But that's pretty normal by NY Metro standards.

How much do you gift?

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