Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Dad doesn't want to give a toast

I'm really heartbroken that he doesn't want to and I've tried to tell him how much it would mean to me, and that this is my first wedding, and I want it to be really special and what would make it special is having my dad walk me down the aisle, father/daughter dance, and the toast. That's all I ask, and I never ask him for anything. He didn't want to wear a bow tie, I made it so that he didn't have to wear a bow tie and only my groom will wearing a bow tie and the rest of the gentlemen wear regular ties. Please help! How do I tell my dad, without sounding rude, that I want him to give a a short, simple toast and I don't want to take no for an answer?
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Re: Dad doesn't want to give a toast

  • I think you're putting way too much weight on this one thing. My dad didn't speak at my wedding and it was no big deal, he just didn't feel the need to. I'm not sure why you need your dad to publicly tell you how great he thinks you are. 
    pinkshorts27PrettyGirlLostMairePoppyKnottie37373131
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If your Dad does not want to give a toast then he doesn't have to give a toast.  You need to get over this.  No one is required to give a toast at your wedding.  H and I had zero toasts given at our wedding and honestly, they weren't missed nor did we care that no one wanted to say anything.  It didn't mean that they didn't care about us it just meant that they preferred to not speak in public.

    Don't keep pushing this issue.  Your Dad said no so now you just need to accept it and move on.

    pinkshorts27
  • cmorino12 said:
    I'm really heartbroken that he doesn't want to and I've tried to tell him how much it would mean to me, and that this is my first wedding, and I want it to be really special and what would make it special is having my dad walk me down the aisle, father/daughter dance, and the toast. That's all I ask, and I never ask him for anything. He didn't want to wear a bow tie, I made it so that he didn't have to wear a bow tie and only my groom will wearing a bow tie and the rest of the gentlemen wear regular ties. Please help! How do I tell my dad, without sounding rude, that I want him to give a a short, simple toast and I don't want to take no for an answer?
    I'm sorry that you're so heartbroken over this, but it's not that big of a deal. I've been to several weddings where the father didn't give a toast. It wasn't because they weren't close or anything, they just didn't feel like it was necessary. Honestly, they weren't missed.

    Just take a step back and breathe a little, it'll be okay. You'll still have your father/daughter dance and be able to have him walk you down the aisle. Be thankful for these things.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I agree with PPs. I would not want to force it upon him if he has already stated he doesn't want to. My mother said she doesn't like speaking in front of people and doesn't want to say anything. My father only speaks Spanish and said he wasn't too comfortable speaking in front of others. That's perfectly fine with me.

    Don't let that cloud the rest of your day. There will be plenty of special moments with the two of you that does not have to be publicly expressed.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think you need to let go of the idea of your dad giving you a toast if he doesn't want to give one.  Don't let it spoil your wedding day for you.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • toast after toast after toast is a little annoying anyway. Most people get restless and want the party to start.

    My dad isn't really comfortable with public speaking so after the MOH and BM gave their toasts my H and I thanked everyone again for coming and then the party began! short and sweet :)
    pinkshorts27PrettyGirlLost
  • My father has a wonderful singing voice. When both of my sister's got married, they asked him if he would be willing to sign at their weddings because it would mean so much to them to have him sing for them. He declined. He later said the reason was the it was an emotional day for him and he didn't feel that he could give a performance that he would be happy with because he was afraid of being chocked up. When I finally got married, I knew the history & reasons so I didn't bother asking him to sing. Only to walk me down the isle and to dance with me. My dad had a hard enough time when it came to answering "who gives this bride away". Respect your dad's request not to a toast, it just might be too emotional for him.
    spockforprez
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My dad did not give a toast at either mine or my sister's wedding, even though he hosted them.  I think I have only been to 1 wedding where the father has done a toast.  Just let this go, you dad is obviously uncomfortable about the idea.
  • Your Dad doesn't have to give you a toast.  No one gave toasts at my own wedding.  You are lucky that you have a father to walk you down the aisle.  I didn't!  Get over this.
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    chasseuse
  • We're skipping it- and there has only been one wedding that I have gone to where the father gave a toast.

    In this toast, the father mentioned the bride's dairy allergy.  It ended up getting tied in to something (sort of), but as a guest, it was just weird.  I would have been happier if it was skipped.
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  • I'm sorry that you're sad about this. But if your dad doesn't want to give a toast for whatever reason, he doesn't have to. People offer to give toasts - they're not assigned. I think it's unwise and bridezilla-ish to "not take no for an answer". He obviously has his reasons.
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  • cmorino12 said:
    I'm really heartbroken that he doesn't want to and I've tried to tell him how much it would mean to me, and that this is my first wedding, and I want it to be really special and what would make it special is having my dad walk me down the aisle, father/daughter dance, and the toast. That's all I ask, and I never ask him for anything. He didn't want to wear a bow tie, I made it so that he didn't have to wear a bow tie and only my groom will wearing a bow tie and the rest of the gentlemen wear regular ties. Please help! How do I tell my dad, without sounding rude, that I want him to give a a short, simple toast and I don't want to take no for an answer?
    To the bolded - What an odd statement.  Sounds like you want to have a few weddings/marriages.  I know what you mean, but that's a weird statement.

    As far as the speech goes, please don't press him.  If he doesn't want to talk, don't force him.  You will look back and realize it wasn't that big of a deal, I bet.

    Or he can speak at your next wedding (KIDDING!)  But honestly, you want him comfortable, right?  Maybe he's afraid he will get emotional or maybe he's afraid he'll studder or something will come out wrong.  Either way, please respect his decision.


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  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd focus on the good things. He wants to walk you down the aisle and you will get to do a dance. Toasts are something that are given in your honor and it's impolite to ask anyone to give one for that reason. Also, he's clearly uncomfortable giving one. I'd let it go and focus on the good things.
  • lc07 said:

    I'd focus on the good things. He wants to walk you down the aisle and you will get to do a dance.

    Toasts are something that are given in your honor and it's impolite to ask anyone to give one for that reason. Also, he's clearly uncomfortable giving one. I'd let it go and focus on the good things.

    I agree with the above. Look at the positives that you will share with your dad. Both my Dad and FFIL have both said no the speeches. The longest speech my FFIL has ever given was 'i would like to thank you all for coming. Enjoy the rest if your evening' :)

    He may change his mind on the day. Wait and see but let him decide :)


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  • I asked my dad to give a speech, and he said no.   I didn't understand it at the time, but Mom and I were talking about it and he told her that he knows if he goes to give a speech, he'll start crying and he doesn't want me to see him cry.
    ashleyep
  • Some men don't like to chance being emotional under the public eye.  It's ok, and doesn't reflect on how much he loves you or supports the wedding.  Stop forcing it, he may come around on his own.  If he doesn't it's still not a terrible thing.  Try to step out of your hurt and view it with compassion.



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  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    I agree with PP's.  I'm an only child, daddy's little girl, and I would love him to say a few words, just because we have such a special bond.  But he's INCREDIBLY shy, and I know he's a ball of emotions between the wedding/being in a crowd of people he doesn't know (he hasn't met ANY of FI's family yet)/etc.  I made it known to him that our wedding planner is setting aside a time for the dads to give toasts (FI's father is much more outspoken) and we can just play it by ear; if he feels comfortable with it the day of, cool, we'll go ahead.  If not, cool, he's my daddy and I want him to be having a GREAT time and not worried about stumbling over words.

    Besides, I know the REALLY special moments will be just between us.  Our first dance, the time we've carved for just the two of us to chat before going down the aisle, our goofy inside jokes I'm sure we'll giggle over after we have a couple of drinks in us (Old Fashions for me, Manhattans for him).

    Please respect his wishes.



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    eta Knotting + drinking wine = I forget words.
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  • FWIW, I've been to many weddings in the last 12 years and I've only seen a FOB speech at maybe 2. My own dad didn't speak at our wedding and it never bothered me.
  • danamwdanamw member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    I am in favor of an adult stepping out of his/her comfort zone long enough to please his daughter on one of the most important days of her life, her wedding day. So I agree, he really should give a toast, sincerely and whole-heartedly.

    But he doesn't want to. You are going to have to come to terms with that. It doesn't mean he is right.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    danamw said:

    I am in favor of an adult stepping out of his/her comfort zone long enough to please his daughter on one of the most important days of her life, her wedding day. So I agree, he really should give a toast, sincerely and whole-heartedly.

    But he doesn't want to. You are going to have to come to terms with that. It doesn't mean he is right.

    Seriously?

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  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    danamw said:

    I am in favor of an adult stepping out of his/her comfort zone long enough to please his daughter on one of the most important days of her life, her wedding day. So I agree, he really should give a toast, sincerely and whole-heartedly.

    But he doesn't want to. You are going to have to come to terms with that. It doesn't mean he is right.

    Personally, being responsible for making my father (the most important man in my life) feel uncomfortable would not please me.
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
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    I didn't even think to ask my dad to give a toast at my wedding.  And nobody felt like it was missing from the events.

    But, it sounds like you've made your opinion clear to your dad.  And he's made his clear to you.  You can't force him to speak.  And it's really not a big deal if he doesn't.  If he has a problem speaking in front of people, maybe ask him to make a more private & personal tribute to you, like writing a letter for you to read privately before wedding. Plus, then you have the written letter to keep forever.

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    danamw said:

    I am in favor of an adult stepping out of his/her comfort zone long enough to please his daughter on one of the most important days of her life, her wedding day. So I agree, he really should give a toast, sincerely and whole-heartedly.

    But he doesn't want to. You are going to have to come to terms with that. It doesn't mean he is right.

    WTH! My dad didn't give a toast at my wedding nor my sister's wedding. He's not a talker, and he probably wouldn't feel comfortable. That is fine. He still walked me down the aisle and danced with me. 

    He's an adult who can make his own decisions, and if he doesn't want to give a toast, he doesn't have to.
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    @goldchocobo‌ I got hung up on the same part; couldn't even finish the post. Exactly how many weddings do you intend to have, OP?

    The only time fathers give toasts/speeches is if they're hosting the wedding AND feel comfortable doing so. He has no obligation just because he's your dad. My dad actually said "you don't expect me to give a toast, right? No random microphone shoved into my hand by surprise like at (sister)'s wedding?" I said "oh hell no, I plan to keep those to a minimum so we can get along with dinner!"

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  • danamwdanamw member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    I do think outside the box a lot, so I have dealt with people disagreeing with me, all my life. You ladies are hardly the first to rip me a new one.

    I still think there is nothing cute about a grown man with a grown daughter getting married, who is "uncomfortable" speaking at his daughter's wedding. His daughter protecting daddy's feelings. Vomit.




  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    danamw said:

    I do think outside the box a lot, so I have dealt with people disagreeing with me, all my life. You ladies are hardly the first to rip me a new one.

    I still think there is nothing cute about a grown man with a grown daughter getting married, who is "uncomfortable" speaking at his daughter's wedding. His daughter protecting daddy's feelings. Vomit.


    WOW.  Gross.  

    Your attitude ain't cute either.
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  • danamwdanamw member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    Yes really, what kind of a father doesn't care about his daughter being heartbroken on her wedding day, because he won't leave his comfort zone to give a short toast?

    So much for your "love" theory.


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