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What would you do?

climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Let's say that your FBIL (also FI's best man) has a girlfriend. Girlfriend has an extremely rocky relationship with FMIL. Girlfriend has even gone so far as to threaten FMIL. However, girlfriend lives with FBIL and she helps take care of FFIL, who is ill. (Oh, FMIL and FFIL are divorced and have been for 20 years). 

FBIL told both FMIL and FI that he does not want to bring girlfriend with him to the wedding. He does not in any way want to attend with her. And I'm assuming that girlfriend does NOT know this. 

Would you invite just him? Invite the girlfriend anyway? Invite him with a guest? 
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Re: What would you do?

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    sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    This is a tough situation. My general rule is if someone threatened another person, I would not invite them. Is there any way you could send FBIL's invite to FMIL's house?
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    scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
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    Ugh, this one sounds tricky. When the time comes to address the invites, I would suggest you have your FI ask his brother how the invite should be addressed. That way you're not stepping on their toes relationship wise, I think. At least the FBIL sees having her there could cause problems. Sounds like a bad situation on a lot of sides there...
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    edited July 2014
    SaraBrideSoon said:
    This is a tough situation. My general rule is if someone threatened another person, I would not invite them. Is there any way you could send FBIL's invite to FMIL's house?
    This is what FMIL suggested. 


    OliveOilsMom said:
    I would probably honor FBIL's wishes. I would just hand him the invite in person, without any names on the front. That way he can explain it to GF. I think overall, you will be blamed for this oversight by GF.
    They all live in Florida. I'm in NY. I won't see FBIL until the week of the wedding. 

    You're probably right that I will be blamed. But honestly, I think I'm OK with that. I've never met her. Don't really plan on meeting her. And I love FMIL and am angry about the way the girlfriend has treated her. I've actually seen the text messages myself. 
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    OliveOilsMom said:
    I would probably honor FBIL's wishes. I would just hand him the invite in person, without any names on the front. That way he can explain it to GF. I think overall, you will be blamed for this oversight by GF.
    This.  Give it to FBIL, let him decide.
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    mysticlmysticl member
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    Can he receive personal mail at work? That could be an option.
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    mysticl said:
    Can he receive personal mail at work? That could be an option.
    He runs his own business out of his house. 
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    steph861steph861 member
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    On one hand, threatening another guest is a perfectly valid reason for not inviting somebody. On the other hand, somebody is going to have to take the fall for not inviting the girlfriend (I'm assuming she won't be happy about it). A few things to consider:

    1. Are you willing to take the blame for not inviting her in order to take the heat off FBIL? How do you anticipate this affecting your relationship with her?

    2. If you refuse your FBIL's request and extend an invitation to her anyway, will he be upset with you and FI? The same goes for how your FMIL would feel about the situation.

    It seems to me that there will be negative consequences for somebody no matter which option you choose. Ultimately, it comes down to deciding which consequences you and your FI are willing to live with.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I would honor FBIL's wishes.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    mysticlmysticl member
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    mysticl said:
    Can he receive personal mail at work? That could be an option.
    He runs his own business out of his house. 
    Does the business have a PO box?  Or maybe put it in another envelope that is addressed to the business and let him know it is coming.  
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    If you are OK with being blamed by GF, then go ahead and send the invite to just FBIL. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    mysticl said:
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    mysticl said:
    Can he receive personal mail at work? That could be an option.
    He runs his own business out of his house. 
    Does the business have a PO box?  Or maybe put it in another envelope that is addressed to the business and let him know it is coming.  
    That's a good question. I'll contact FMIL. She would know, as she helps him run the business, also out of her house. 

    I'll tell ya - sometimes I'm happy they're all down there in Florida. And while I plan on visiting FMIL often, I can very easily avoid FBIL's girlfirend. 
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    jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
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    I would honor FBIL's wishes.
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    mellowmarshmallowmellowmarshmallow member
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    I may be missing something (horrible day at work + migraine = possible reading comprehension fails), but is there a reason you would not just address the invitation to FBIL and girlfriend and let him hash it out with her? I understand respecting his wishes, but that really sets you up to be the bad guy in their relationship. He doesn't want to attend the wedding with his own GF? If you are cool with that dynamic in support of your FBIL, then I agree that FMIL's safety concerns can trump the SO etiquette rule.
    Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.
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    offensivekitten2offensivekitten2 member
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    Yeah my guest tolerance limit stops at threats of physical harm. The safety of your guests must be a high priority. If someone is attending that jeopardizes that, then they don't get to attend.



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    sarahuflsarahufl member
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    I am kind of confused. You have a GF who threatens your mother and you don't want to bring her to a wedding.

    Why is she still your GF?
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    sarahufl said:
    I am kind of confused. You have a GF who threatens your mother and you don't want to bring her to a wedding.

    Why is she still your GF?
    She's FBIL's girlfriend. She's not my friend! I've actually never even met her before. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Also, she's threatened FMIL, not my mother. But still, almost the same thing. 
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    edited July 2014
    I'm just sitting here wondering why FBIL doesn't dump the girlfriend.  He doesn't even want to bring her to a wedding? Um, red flag on that relationship.  Does it have to do with the fact that she takes care of FFIL?  
    Yeesh.  

    I'd put "FBIL and GF" on the invite but somehow get it to him alone so he can figure that crap out. 

    ETA: Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. FI has some cousins that are jerks, and even his mom (who has controlled the family side of the guest list) didn't want to invite them. But, they showed up to a recent 4th of July party and weren't jerks, and afterwards, FI said he felt like he had to invite them.  So, we did, and we just heard they're coming.  Just invite because it's proper and let the cards fall where they may--- that's my opinion. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    edited July 2014
    thisismynickname said:
    I'm just sitting here wondering why FBIL doesn't dump the girlfriend.  He doesn't even want to bring her to a wedding? Um, red flag on that relationship.  Does it have to do with the fact that she takes care of FFIL?  
    Yeesh.  

    I'd put "FBIL and GF" on the invite but somehow get it to him alone so he can figure that crap out. 

    ETA: Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. FI has some cousins that are jerks, and even his mom (who has controlled the family side of the guest list) didn't want to invite them. But, they showed up to a recent 4th of July party and weren't jerks, and afterwards, FI said he felt like he had to invite them.  So, we did, and we just heard they're coming.  Just invite because it's proper and let the cards fall where they may--- that's my opinion. 
    I honestly have no idea. Apparently they've been dating on and off for a few years. All of them live in Florida, so I've only really spent limited time with FBIL. 
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    sarahuflsarahufl member
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    sarahufl said:
    I am kind of confused. You have a GF who threatens your mother and you don't want to bring her to a wedding.

    Why is she still your GF?
    She's FBIL's girlfriend. She's not my friend! I've actually never even met her before. 
    lol, by "you", I mean the general you. Not you, you. But FBIL.

    I just can't figure out why someone continues to be a GF if this is how she is seen by others.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    sarahufl said:
    I am kind of confused. You have a GF who threatens your mother and you don't want to bring her to a wedding.

    Why is she still your GF?
    She's FBIL's girlfriend. She's not my friend! I've actually never even met her before. 
    I don't think she was talking to you specifically.  But generally asking the question who keeps a GF  around who threatens your mother and you do not want to bring to a social event?








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    sarahufl said:
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    sarahufl said:
    I am kind of confused. You have a GF who threatens your mother and you don't want to bring her to a wedding.

    Why is she still your GF?
    She's FBIL's girlfriend. She's not my friend! I've actually never even met her before. 
    lol, by "you", I mean the general you. Not you, you. But FBIL.

    I just can't figure out why someone continues to be a GF if this is how she is seen by others.
    Haha! Whoops! I had a migraine earlier and my brain was not working properly. 

    I also find the whole situation extremely weird. FI and FBIL have a very strained relationship right now too. 
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    SewInLoveWithDMBSewInLoveWithDMB member
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    EllieAugust said:
    I'm just gonna throw this out there…can you just not send him an invite at all?!?  Have your FI tell him that you didn't want to get involved so you just didn't send him one.  Ask him what he wants to eat and be done with it.  If he needs to know when the wedding starts, he can ask his mom.  If his gf asks about it then its on him.

    SITB

    I agree with this. Sure, not getting an invitation is rude. But, sometimes those closest to us know they are obviously invited. (You can give him an invite when he comes to the actual wedding for keepsake purposes.) I would make sure he knows all the information and that he is clearly invited and wanted there, but wouldn't get involved in their relationship if there are so many ripples that will come out of having an invitation sent to him at their home. I know this isn't the best etiquette-ly sound advice, but it doesn't appear that you will come out unscathed with any of the other options.  Make sure FBIL knows all the information he needs to know, ask him what food he wants if you need to know in advance, and don't think about it again.
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    smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    I know it has been touched on..but WHY live with someone and date someone who threatens your parents...and you don't want to bring to a social function?!??!?! Do they have kids together? ...yeesh
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    MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    Maybe the conversation between FBIL and GF will be how they figure out they're not meant to be. 

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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    smalfrie19 said:
    I know it has been touched on..but WHY live with someone and date someone who threatens your parents...and you don't want to bring to a social function?!??!?! Do they have kids together? ...yeesh
    They don't have kids together. She has kids from a previous relationship. 

    FBIL seems to be...I don't know...troubled? 
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    Vivandiere8Vivandiere8 member
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    EllieAugust said:
    I'm just gonna throw this out there…can you just not send him an invite at all?!?  Have your FI tell him that you didn't want to get involved so you just didn't send him one.  Ask him what he wants to eat and be done with it.  If he needs to know when the wedding starts, he can ask his mom.  If his gf asks about it then its on him.
    This. It's not like the etiquette world will explode and a puppy will die if a physical invitation is not sent to someone who is clearly invited, and who has put you in a sticky situation. He may have already told her he isn't going to be bringing her to the wedding because of the issues with his mom, but seeing her name on an invite might just make things worse. I would call him, give him the info, and let him deal with it. It should be your stress.
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    larrygagalarrygaga member
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    edited July 2014
    Hiding the invite probably won't do much if he's going to take the trip from Florida to NY for your wedding. I mean she will know about the wedding either way when he gets his nice dress clothes and leaves for a weekend. I would just address the invite to him only and prepare for it to be a drama. If she acts like she is going to come anyway, make sure the brother knows not to bring her and have security. He sounds like he doesn't stand up for himself, so don't trust him much to put his foot down. 

    OR, you could just tell him all the info by phone. In the end, paper invites are just another thing that don't actually matter that much.
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