Best way to tell wedding guests we were secretly married 2 years ago?

mrs4everhart · August 2014

I don't know about this public record checking being acceptable. I think it's intrusive as hell to go seeking information on your friends and family by digging around behind their back. But yea, I get it, it's public, therefore anyone has access. But I still think it's intrusive.

Besides, everyone knows the deal with snooping though by this point, right? Sometimes you find things you wished you hadn't.....

I don't assume that my friends DON'T lie to me frankly. I try not to assume. We know about that too, right?

In fact, our BFF's didn't tell us the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about the details of their romantic relationship due to some professional reasons, and what was referred to as plausible deniability at the time. It was shocking when they finally came out with it, but we understood why things were the way they were and moved on rather quickly. No point in ruining a great friendship over something they didn't think we needed to know and we technically didn't.

VulgarGirl · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

@mobkaz so, you think is right, even though is public records, to be stalking and live thinking your friends lie to you?

Too much effort, really. I don't see the point. But everyone in here is free to do whatever with their free time.

So you've never googled someone? Just for shits and giggles? Never looked up an old classmate on Facebook? Or better an old bully on Facebook, and maybe gotten really excitied your life turned out better (right here, I've done that, totally done that, I'm happy to report my old bullies have gotten exactly what they deserve out of life)? Never done those things? Cause I have a really hard time believing that.

MollyandD · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

@mobkaz so, you think is right, even though is public records, to be stalking and live thinking your friends lie to you?

Too much effort, really. I don't see the point. But everyone in here is free to do whatever with their free time.

This is hardly what I'd consider stalking. Looking at public records online is completely ok. Stalking would mean she's following people or maybe digging through their trash. Looking online at public records is totally different.

VulgarGirl · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

Wait, what? Who goes around checking friend's public records for fun? I believe it if you start dating someone and are eeky about him, maybe check if he is married, but your own friends? That's low.
And about the newspaper, that is possibly right, but again, grandparents are the ones reading it, our generation reads the news online.

Really? Only certain generations are allowed to read a regular newspaper? My FI reads the actual newspaper. She likes to read her newspaper over coffee and doesn't like to do it on line. She's only 28. My mom is 48, she'll read it on-line but doesn't like reading the physical paper. Then my grandma is 64 she doesn't read the paper at all except on Sundays and that's just the ads and coupons (which she cuts out and puts in an envelope where she waits for them to expire before remembering she has them). She doesn't read it on line either. She says it keeps her from worrying about dumb shit.

So...I guess I should tell FI to put down the newspaper because she shouldn't be reading it least she find out someone got married and they are trying to keep it a secret so they can throw a big fake wedding later. But my grandma can read it...is she allowed to tell me what she reads in it? Or is that being nosiey too?

VulgarGirl · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

@magicink I don't understand why you get so worked up about the newspaper, it is on every poll made. The majority of people get their news online, less people read the newspaper every day. But hey, good for your FI it is cool to sit and read a newspaper once in a while. And is this what's all about, every time you get an invite to a wedding you will look up PR to see if they got married before? I can't even comment on that. Certainly, I have a different outlook on friendships, and I don't live worrying if someone lies to me. Unless of course is something that directly involves ME!

No, I don't look up every single invite I get. And I never said I did. I said I've plugged my friends and family's names into the public records search from time to time. Just because. I also google people I know, just because. Usually with no provocation from them to do so, just plugging in the names of people I know to see what comes up. I google myself all the time, just to see what it says about me on the internet.

Now if I had gotten a wedding invite to Bob and Sue's wedding, then one day I was just screwing around and looked up Sue and saw that she and Bob had gotten married already, yeah, I'd be pretty peeved cause what the fuck yo? I can't even get legally married in my state and you're gonna scoff at legal marriage as "not real" and you need a big fancy wedding but couldn't wait because of reasons? Bull shit. I'm not hunting out the information because I got a wedding invite. I assume Bob and Sue aren't married. But one day I'm screwing around on the internet and happen to find out otherwise and now I think they're pretty shitty for trying to pull a fast one. And that's what Bob and Sue get for lying. And yeah, I'll call them on their shit.

manateehugger · August 2014

@butterscotchjbeans - My husband and I spent thousands of dollars on a PPD last year - we didn't know it was a PPD. I think it's easy to sit here and tell people they are crazy for not wanting to be lied to about something like this when it hasn't happened to you. I probably would have said the same thing a couple years ago. But being lied to about your friend's marital status? Yeah, it's a betrayal and shows a disregard for your friends that I can't really comprehend.

Now, actually, I haven't looked up any marriage records for weddings I've been invited to recently. But I've been tempted to do so. I also had people ask me if I was already married prior to our wedding. Why? Because no one likes being lied to about something so important and something they will spend time and money on - aka, directly involving you. That's the point people are trying to make here.

mysticl · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

@magicink I don't understand why you get so worked up about the newspaper, it is on every poll made. The majority of people get their news online, less people read the newspaper every day. But hey, good for your FI it is cool to sit and read a newspaper once in a while. And is this what's all about, every time you get an invite to a wedding you will look up PR to see if they got married before? I can't even comment on that. Certainly, I have a different outlook on friendships, and I don't live worrying if someone lies to me. Unless of course is something that directly involves ME!

It's not about worrying if someone lies to you. It's that fact that the OP did lie and someone else said it was her personal business. Others pointed out that marriages are a matter of public record (and therefore stops being personal/private) and it is possible for someone to find the information out. It doesn't even have to be an issue of setting out to prove someone is a liar. They could pick up a newspaper and see it. They could be going through records for another reason and stumble across it. I've done that. I was looking for information that pertained to me and due to some broad search parameters found out something about someone I used to know.

And you seriously wouldn't be upset if you found out a friend or relative had been lying to you for 2 years?

MobKaz · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

@mobkaz so, you think is right, even though is public records, to be stalking and live thinking your friends lie to you?

Too much effort, really. I don't see the point. But everyone in here is free to do whatever with their free time.

Say what???

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

@magicink I don't understand why you get so worked up about the newspaper, it is on every poll made. The majority of people get their news online, less people read the newspaper every day. But hey, good for your FI it is cool to sit and read a newspaper once in a while. And is this what's all about, every time you get an invite to a wedding you will look up PR to see if they got married before? I can't even comment on that. Certainly, I have a different outlook on friendships, and I don't live worrying if someone lies to me. Unless of course is something that directly involves ME!

*******SITMFB*********

This is pretty simple, really.

It costs a lot of money to go to a wedding. For many people, it's time away from their jobs (money), travel, hotels, food since they're away from home, car rentals, gift purchase, attire purchase, etc. It adds up. I will do all that in a heartbeat if I know I'm witnessing one of the biggest moments in a friend/family member's life.

What I'm not interested in is spending all that time, money and energy to watch a husband and wife pretend to get married. That's what movies are for. If I KNOW it's a fake wedding and I have the time/money to spend, then I can make an educated choice on whether to go (probably won't, though). If they lie to me and tell me it's a wedding, I can't make that educated choice. If they tell me it's a wedding, obviously I'm going to think I'm going to watch them go from single people to spouses.

It's shitty that anyone feels the need to look up any of these things via public records to know whether they're being lied to. But it's becoming SO much more common for people to lie to their guests and have fake weddings - because their courthouse wedding was "good enough" or "real" for them.
*eyeroll* Sorry, but before I drop a shit load of money and take time off work to attend a wedding, I'd like to know if it's actually a wedding.

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

I see your point, I still don't google for fun. Like I said before I have googled guys I have dated due to a traumatic experience I had before. I feel the need to cover my bases and check how much I can trust the guy. I don't google acquaintances, or friends. I would be furious if one of my two sisters gets married and doesn't tell me or include me on their elopement or civil wedding. The difference with that is that family is different than friends. I expect do much more from my family than my friends. Maybe because it is a southamerican thing. We are all about family. We love our friends and a betrayal needs to be more than not being invited to a civil wedding. I would feel a little weird to find out by other people that they are already married, so I agree that it they plan to have a second bigger wedding people should know they have been wed, and now it is to be wed before the eyes of The Lord if they are christian or catholic. And want to share that moment with more people. About same sex marriage, yes it sucks. But your problems are not the same to any other persons problems. Not more than or less than. We all have our own issues, and for me not finding a dress can be devastating and horrible, you can't say that is not enough reason to be unhappy just bc you can't marry your gf in your state. - not the greatest example but I think in being clear. And no, I'm not crying over a dress. I see you are getting married soon? I really hope for the best in your marriage and for all the 50 states get their shit together and accept love doesn't care about laws.

SIB

The point of an elopement is to not include ANYONE. So, while it may be hurtful, it was an equal opportunity offender. It's what the couple wanted. Not everyone wants people present at their wedding. People need to respect that decision. An elopement is NOT a lie unless the couple doesn't tell anyone upon return, so you really can't compare it to someone purposely lying about being married.

To the second bolded line; I also hate to break it to anyone who suddenly realizes they need to have their civil wedding recognized by the church, so they want a big re-do. Most churches will not allow the big, full ceremony if you are already legally married. And if someone lies to the church to get what they want, well, that speaks volume for their intentions and character.

sophhabobopha · August 2014

MobKaz said:

butterscotchjbeans said:

@mobkaz so, you think is right, even though is public records, to be stalking and live thinking your friends lie to you?

Too much effort, really. I don't see the point. But everyone in here is free to do whatever with their free time.

Say what???

SITB

Marzipan13 · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

They do allow it, christian or catholic, it is allowed.
I know because of my cousin went trough the whole thing to get her marriage validated by the church.
No lies involved, nothing. Church is strict, but they will work with you.

Like hell the Catholic church allows it - unless by "allows" you mean "will validate after it's already happened because there's nothing else you can do". The RCC recognizes one valid marriage at a time - if you decided to get hitched by a JoP and then wanted the big affair with cake & a white dress, it doesn't really work that way. You can get it validated, but it's not the same as you going through the process to have a wedding ceremony in the church.

ETF: spelling

Liatris2010 · August 2014

My understanding is that having a wedding validated is usually done in the priest's office. It isn't something you would wear a ballgown and invite spectators to.

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

As pps stated, yes, churches allow "validations" of civil marriages. I'm aware of that, but what I was referring to was wives wanting the whole "walking down the aisle, escorted by dad, in a big white gown" event. Most churches will only allow more informal ceremonies where you can have people witness.

Marzipan13 · August 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

As pps stated, yes, churches allow "validations" of civil marriages. I'm aware of that, but what I was referring to was wives wanting the whole "walking down the aisle, escorted by dad, in a big white gown" event if you're already married civilly or otherwise. Most churches will only allow more informal ceremonies where you can have people witness.

That is true - the Catholic church, anyway, doesn't allow the "walking down the aisle, escorted by dad, big white gown" if you're already civilly married or otherwise, because it's a PPD and a mockery of the Sacrament of a real marriage ceremony.

ETF: spelling is killing me today

mysticl · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

I see your point, I still don't google for fun. Like I said before I have googled guys I have dated due to a traumatic experience I had before. I feel the need to cover my bases and check how much I can trust the guy. I don't google acquaintances, or friends. I would be furious if one of my two sisters gets married and doesn't tell me or include me on their elopement or civil wedding. The difference with that is that family is different than friends. I expect do much more from my family than my friends. Maybe because it is a southamerican thing. We are all about family. We love our friends and a betrayal needs to be more than not being invited to a civil wedding. I would feel a little weird to find out by other people that they are already married, so I agree that it they plan to have a second bigger wedding people should know they have been wed, and now it is to be wed before the eyes of The Lord if they are christian or catholic. And want to share that moment with more people. About same sex marriage, yes it sucks. But your problems are not the same to any other persons problems. Not more than or less than. We all have our own issues, and for me not finding a dress can be devastating and horrible, you can't say that is not enough reason to be unhappy just bc you can't marry your gf in your state. - not the greatest example but I think in being clear. And no, I'm not crying over a dress. I see you are getting married soon? I really hope for the best in your marriage and for all the 50 states get their shit together and accept love doesn't care about laws.

Not being invited to someone's wedding is not a betrayal. The betrayal is when they get married and then LIE about it. When they tell people they are just dating. When they refer to each other as girlfriend or boyfriend instead of husband or wife. When they invite people to a "wedding" sometime after the fact and act like they just got married. Plus, the couple in the OP got married in an attempt to defraud the United States government. So not only did they lie to people they committed a federal crime.

Ndelible · August 2014

Tangent time. I find it weird to randomly look up friends and family. I have looked up records for specific reasons to check for friends and family to see if something was accurate. And I do check on what my online footprint is. Other than that, I wold only check on someone I didn't know (like FH - we met online - and he encouraged me to do it) or thought was lying about something because their behavior was questionable.

VulgarGirl · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

I see your point, I still don't google for fun. Like I said before I have googled guys I have dated due to a traumatic experience I had before. I feel the need to cover my bases and check how much I can trust the guy. I don't google acquaintances, or friends. I would be furious if one of my two sisters gets married and doesn't tell me or include me on their elopement or civil wedding. The difference with that is that family is different than friends. I expect do much more from my family than my friends. Maybe because it is a southamerican thing. We are all about family. We love our friends and a betrayal needs to be more than not being invited to a civil wedding. I would feel a little weird to find out by other people that they are already married, so I agree that it they plan to have a second bigger wedding people should know they have been wed, and now it is to be wed before the eyes of The Lord if they are christian or catholic. And want to share that moment with more people. About same sex marriage, yes it sucks. But your problems are not the same to any other persons problems. Not more than or less than. We all have our own issues, and for me not finding a dress can be devastating and horrible, you can't say that is not enough reason to be unhappy just bc you can't marry your gf in your state. - not the greatest example but I think in being clear. And no, I'm not crying over a dress. I see you are getting married soon? I really hope for the best in your marriage and for all the 50 states get their shit together and accept love doesn't care about laws.

My friends and my family are the same to me. I treat my friends like I treat my family, because a lot of my family has treated me way worse then any of my friends. Blood does not make a family in my eyes. So it'd piss me off if one of my brothers got married two years ago for benefits, hid it from me, and then said "Ok this is my real wedding now", it'd also piss me off if my best friend got married two years ago for benefits, hid it from me, an dthen said "Ok this is my real wedding now". Because to me, those are the same. It's not that I didn't get to go or they didn't include me. It's that they are lying first off. And second off (and this leads nicely into my point about same sex marriage) it's saying that a legal marriage isn't as good as a big to do wedding. Bullshit.

And why I brought up the fact that I can't get legally married wherever I damn well please is because when people have a PPD what they are saying is "This is my real wedding, that was just paperwork, that doesn't matter", it matters. As someone who doesn't have that right, the legal marriage matters. I'm fighting tooth and nail to have the same damn rights these people have the nerve to scoff at as not important enough to count. That it isn't "real" because it didn't include all the trapping the Wedding Industrial Complex tells you need to have. Again, bullshit. You're legally married, you're married, celebrate the fact that no matter what state or what country you go to you will be considered a married couple. Because not everyone gets that right. You don't need a big to do to prove it.

And I can't remember which Catholic knottie posted up about how her church basically flat out said "No PPDs" if you're married outside the church they priest will do the deal you need to have done, but no big wedding will be hosted. I'm not Catholic so I don't know all the right words here. @PrettyGirlLost, I think it was you...was it you who posted about that?

Also fiance (or FI on here). Not girlfriend. She's my intended wife, so FI.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

@MagicInk it wasn't me, but it's a brilliant policy imo.

VulgarGirl · August 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

@MagicInk it wasn't me, but it's a brilliant policy imo.

I concur. Wish I could remember who it was...I can't recall the signature (and seriously that's how I tell everyone apart).

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:
Wait, what? Who goes around checking friend's public records for fun? I believe it if you start dating someone and are eeky about him, maybe check if he is married, but your own friends? That's low.
And about the newspaper, that is possibly right, but again, grandparents are the ones reading it, our generation reads the news online.

A lot of us are going to check records now since so many ppl think lying and PPDS are totes acceptable now.

Lying and PPDS are low.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

What butterscotch us confused about is a Catholic convalidation. . . Which is a ritual, I guess, done during a regular mass in order to make a marriage valid in the eyes of the church.

During a Convalidation, you don't get to have a wedding party, you don't get to wear a floofy dress, you don't walk down the aisle, etc.

If you want all of that shut then you get married like a normal person. . . Ceremony and legal signing of license at the same time, on the same day.

mrsmagicgeek · August 2014

I look up information on everyone I know. Creepy? Perhaps, but part of my job is information security and I find that often the best way to get someone to believe how much information is out there about them is to show them. Most of what I look up is for educational purposes, not stalkery ones. Not all, though.

Best way to tell wedding guests we were secretly married 2 years ago?

Re: Best way to tell wedding guests we were secretly married 2 years ago?

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