Le Sigh

PineapplePopsicles · August 2014

doeydo said:

Thanks so much, ladies.
After some Googling, apparently where I am, people are only classified as "common-law" after living together for 3 years or less time if they have a kid. We are childless and have been living together for a little over a year. All the bills are paid in my name but our apartment lease or whatever it is called is in both of our names. I'm just not sure what our "rights" are since we are not common-law
A week or two ago, we almost separated and he was insistent about him keeping the apartment because he "has no where else to go" (his parents said that they wouldn't take him back in again if we didn't work out, but my mom has an empty bedroom and has said that it is always there for me if I need it). If I did go back with her, it would only be temporary as I would like to live on my own and our cats don't get along (one of hers bullies my older cat and one of her other cats despises my other cat).
Another issue is money. Most of our money is kept in a couple of accounts with only my name just so I can spend it easily while grocery shopping or what have you and so he can't access it (he has money management issues). I had figured we would just go 50/50 with everything since it would be more fair. But, last time where we nearly separated, he stated he wanted all of the money from the savings account (under my name only) because he "worked his ass off for it" (he has a couple of part-time jobs, one of which is paid by cheques and is more official, while the other is by cash). I have a part-time job as well, but have been off for the Summer (starting up again in September). I'm not sure who makes more per year, since most of his work is in the Summer and it feels like a lot since he has so many hours and a higher rate per hour, however I work about 10 months out of the year.
IDK; any advice on this sort of thing? Thanks.

Um, no. He wouldn't have to solve these problems if he wasn't creating these problems, so he doesn't get to just say "you have to go live somewhere else while I keep the apartment and all of the money". Sorry, boo. How long is your lease? If you are both on the lease, you are both legally responsible. Him not having anywhere to go is not your problem to solve. Can you afford the apartment by yourself? Can you get out of the lease without crazy fees? Is there a way to figure up who makes what money? If it were me, the money thing would be split 50/50 because you've been living together and probably operating under the "our money" assumptions.

beethery · August 2014

doeydo said:

Thanks so much, ladies.
After some Googling, apparently where I am, people are only classified as "common-law" after living together for 3 years or less time if they have a kid. We are childless and have been living together for a little over a year. All the bills are paid in my name but our apartment lease or whatever it is called is in both of our names. I'm just not sure what our "rights" are since we are not common-law
A week or two ago, we almost separated and he was insistent about him keeping the apartment because he "has no where else to go" (his parents said that they wouldn't take him back in again if we didn't work out, but my mom has an empty bedroom and has said that it is always there for me if I need it). If I did go back with her, it would only be temporary as I would like to live on my own and our cats don't get along (one of hers bullies my older cat and one of her other cats despises my other cat).
Another issue is money. Most of our money is kept in a couple of accounts with only my name just so I can spend it easily while grocery shopping or what have you and so he can't access it (he has money management issues). I had figured we would just go 50/50 with everything since it would be more fair. But, last time where we nearly separated, he stated he wanted all of the money from the savings account (under my name only) because he "worked his ass off for it" (he has a couple of part-time jobs, one of which is paid by cheques and is more official, while the other is by cash). I have a part-time job as well, but have been off for the Summer (starting up again in September). I'm not sure who makes more per year, since most of his work is in the Summer and it feels like a lot since he has so many hours and a higher rate per hour, however I work about 10 months out of the year.
IDK; any advice on this sort of thing? Thanks.

If you do break it off, here are some suggestions:

Look at the deposit history from what has gone in on his side, give that to him. Go to your mom's, and get your name off of that lease immediately. He is responsible for managing his own shit. I have said this to other people having problems, and it applies here too: You owe him nothing.

Get a litter box for your cat, and do your best to keep him in that room until you get a new place on your own.

You need to get a plan together, and make sure whatever you do benefits you.

lurkergirl · August 2014

I have no advice, but I wish you the best and will be thinking of you!

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

Talk to your landlord today about having your name removed from your lease. You'll need to do this so that once you move to your mom's (which I recommend, for the time being) you can't be held responsible for anything that happens at the apartment (damages, or if he doesn't pay the rent). I'd let the security deposit go for sanity reasons.

Legally, if the accounts are in your name I'm not sure how much ground he has to stand on. Ask your therapist (privately) if he can recommend a free legal advice line. I think you can take your time working out a solution which is fair to both of you, since he won't be able to withdraw anything on his own. If possible, you could look at your statements and try to separate your deposits from his and see what percentage you've each contributed and split it out that way.

I would go start a new account today for only you and have your paycheck direct deposited into only that new account so he can't try to fight you for any money from today forward.

ShesSoCold · August 2014

Agree with PPs, again.

When is your lease up? My apartment lease would release a name off a joint lease with the other tenant's approval. Would he be willing to help you get off the lease? But please, do not leave that apartment with your name still on the lease and expect him to keep up with the rent and upkeep.

You have several options as far as the accounts and money. Since they're in your name, you can just take it and give him nothing. You can be a nice guy and give him half. You can do what beethery said and give him what he deposited.

Hugs, thoughts and vibes. I'm glad you're taking steps to do what is best for you.

beethery · August 2014

Also, motherfucker has taken you on enough rides with money and his side projects. You don't need to go on another one.

WinstonsGirl · August 2014

Sound like you might qualify as cohabiting under Ontario law. Basically, you've been living together at least 1 year, present as a couple, etc. In this case, you each keep what belongs to you, including debts. In the case of things that are in both of your names, your assets are divided equally between the two of you, and you can then decide how to divide it from there if you choose. In the case of no agreement on this, you can go to court to resolve it.

I think legally, you have access to all of the bank accounts since they're in your name only, but I'd still go 50/50. This assumption though is only cos my parents have joint name on their bank accounts (even though they treat them as separate accounts) cos they have been told there could be some issues in claiming money from the other's account if one was to die.

I totally think you deserve better, but I know how hard it can be to leave someone you've spent so much time with. We're here if you need to rant/think/anything.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

Also... under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to allow him to bully you into ANYTHING. He does not get all the savings money. He has not worked harder than you. He is not more entitled to anything just because he says so. He does not get a free pass because you love him - not everything we love is good or right for us. He doesn't deserve you or your help or your sympathy.

He wants to keep the apartment? Fine, he needs to put that lease in his own name only and can take responsibility for the rent. If he won't do that, he needs to GTFO.

Come to us as often as you need to for moral support. You can do this, and you deserve to have your life back.

PineapplePopsicles · August 2014

ShesSoCold said:

Agree with PPs, again.

When is your lease up? My apartment lease would release a name off a joint lease with the other tenant's approval. Would he be willing to help you get off the lease? But please, do not leave that apartment with your name still on the lease and expect him to keep up with the rent and upkeep.

You have several options as far as the accounts and money. Since they're in your name, you can just take it and give him nothing. You can be a nice guy and give him half. You can do what beethery said and give him what he deposited.

Hugs, thoughts and vibes. I'm glad you're taking steps to do what is best for you.

if the bolded will work, get the apartment situation settled before you piss him off with the money situation. you don't want to give him ammo to use against you, or anything to use as ransom against you.

bethsmiles · August 2014

He wants the apartment and all the money? WTF? Again you deserve so much better than this!

The PPs have given you better advice about the apartment and the money than I could offer but his comment about the money really makes it seem as though he has no respect for you. The comment about the apartment just makes me think he is incredibly selfish.You owe him nothing.

JCbride2015 · August 2014

Agree with PPs. You owe him nothing.

If you're thinking of letting him keep the apartment (how nice of you), you need to get your name taken off that lease ASAP. You choose what you think is fair with the money: just go 50%, or split it proportionally by how much you each were depositing.

Don't let him bully you into taking less than your fair share. You work hard. You have been managing the whole household and keeping him from financial ruin by paying the bills. That's worth a lot IMO.

emmaaa · August 2014

For the apartment situation, if you are okay with him having the apartment, make sure you get your name off the lease. If he has money management issues and you're still on the lease, you're risking your credit and referrals being messed up.

Legally, evcerything in the bank account is yours since your name is on it. Since you say some of it is his you could split it 50/50.

wandajune6 · August 2014

You're not stupid, you just want to have faith in someone you love.

You deserve so much better.

beethery · August 2014

ALSO, if you have both of your names on any checks that you write, you might need to figure something else out money wise. Some of the legal eagles or others who know better about this type of stuff might have better ideas and advice for you.

jenna8984 · August 2014

When I was with an abusive ex 10 years ago, I used to always ask myself "Why am I the only one that has to put up with this? How come Ashley, Kristen, Katie, etc don't have to deal with any of this but I do?" You really need to ask yourself that. I seriously dreaded that day I went to break up with him, but the second I left his house, I didn't feel sad at all. I felt freer than I've ever felt in my life. Like the whole world was mine and life was suddenly beautiful. I hope you can do what you need to do because the only regret will be waiting so long.

I don't think you need to worry about who gets what. I mean you're not married so fuck it all. Take what's yours, even down to the miniscule dish towels and dvds. If you bought it, it's yours. If it's in your bank account, it's yours. He can deal with his own money, I know he has a condition that makes it tough for him but that's not your problem anymore. Don't act like you're ruining his life by leaving and you need to make it easier on him- NO. It's his fault (condition or not) and he isn't owed shit.

alpacalunch · August 2014

I get angrier with every word of this I read. Doey, you do not deserve this sort of treatment. Look, we only know you as what you present on this forum, but from all I've read, you're a kind, funny, good person. And YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Do not give him what he wants. He sounds manipulative, and I've read some of your earlier posts regarding his behavioural issues, and I gotta say that you have the patience of a fucking saint.
You decide where you live. If he's burned bridges, too fucking bad. I am very angry, so this might be spite, but I'd keep the apartment. If you choose not to, as PPs have said, get your name off the lease ASAP. You may need his permission for that, but it's worth any damn fight that comes from it. You've said he has issues with money, being on a lease where you need to trust him to pay rent? Nope, not happening. Don't be held liable for his troubles.
Bank accounts, I'd take it all but I'm a spiteful bitch. I think we live in the same province, and our common law dictates assets be divided evenly, should you qualify. You should keep 50% at absolute minimum. And as someone said earlier, start a new account under only your name, and untangle yourself from this guy as fast as you can.
Girl, you are not stupid. He's a jerk. Him being a jerk reflects poorly on him, not on you.

ETF: Paragraphs

Inkdancer · August 2014

Oh sweetie. I have no advice. I just want to hug you. And also punch him. You deserve to be treated with respect, and he is definitely not doing that.

sarawifenow · August 2014

I just wanted to add that if you, for one second, start to believe any crap that is coming out of this guy's mouth about you, this is my response:

chibiyui · August 2014

Hugs.

You're freaking awesome, and you definitely deserve better.

Hugs

flyingfoxes · August 2014

I agree with PPs. If it makes it easier, give him half the savings, get your name off that lease, and get yourself out of that situation and into your mom's house. I think the time away would do your emotional and mental health much good. *hugs*

jdluvr06 · August 2014

I'm so angry for you. Like the PPs have said you owe him nothing. Don't let him bully you. I have no real advice but I'm thinking of you. *hugs*

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

@doeydo, you deserve so much better than this. I hope you have a fruitful discussion with your therapist tomorrow.

doeydo · August 2014

You guys are awesome.

In response to the couple of people who asked about my lease, we signed a one year one when we moved in, so it is over with now and maybe we are on a month to month one now? I don't think we ever signed another or anything, I don't know how it works. I'll try calling my mom (she just got off night shift this morning, but she's off for a few days now) and see what she says about everything, without going into too much detail.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

doeydo said:

You guys are awesome.
In response to the couple of people who asked about my lease, we signed a one year one when we moved in, so it is over with now and maybe we are on a month to month one now? I don't think we ever signed another or anything, I don't know how it works. I'll try calling my mom (she just got off night shift this morning, but she's off for a few days now) and see what she says about everything, without going into too much detail.

That's perfect if you're month to month - you're not breaking any agreement. You should be able to just go in to your landlord's office and say that this will be your last month living there.

Now, he may end up pulling a new credit check to see if your FI still qualifies to live there on only his own income/credit history. He may not qualify, and end up getting evicted. That is none of your concern, unless that detail makes you decide that you will insist on keeping the apartment and he must leave. Then you could sign a new lease (maybe even immediately) in only your own name. But honestly, I'd just concentrate on getting you out of there.

PineapplePopsicles · August 2014

doeydo said:

You guys are awesome.
In response to the couple of people who asked about my lease, we signed a one year one when we moved in, so it is over with now and maybe we are on a month to month one now? I don't think we ever signed another or anything, I don't know how it works. I'll try calling my mom (she just got off night shift this morning, but she's off for a few days now) and see what she says about everything, without going into too much detail.

Some leases auto-renew once they expire, usually on a month-to-month basis. So you may have to give a 30 day notice (and pay rent during that 30 days) and then be done. But definitely check with your landlord asap to check your options - and do it now, before the 1st of the month!!

LadyMillil · August 2014

doeydo said:

You guys are awesome.
In response to the couple of people who asked about my lease, we signed a one year one when we moved in, so it is over with now and maybe we are on a month to month one now? I don't think we ever signed another or anything, I don't know how it works. I'll try calling my mom (she just got off night shift this morning, but she's off for a few days now) and see what she says about everything, without going into too much detail.

If you have the paperwork from your lease it should state that. When I was living in Ontario the 1 year lease went to month-to-month after the year was up with no paperwork required, and I just needed to give 60 days notice when I was moving out. If you have a rental office they should be able to tell you this. Ditto PP and get your name off the lease. If there is 30-60 days notice required, I would pay my half of that so he can't later go after you for unexpectedly leaving him responsible for 1-2 months rent.

I have a friend that was in a similar situation with joint accounts with her ex. He thought he should get it all because she ended things up with him. They ended up splitting it 60% him, 40% her. She took the view that it was just money, she would earn more, she could live without it, and giving up that 10% got him out of her life now. I'm not advocating giving him all the money in the savings account, but think about how much you would be okay with "giving up" to him to get rid of him.

Good luck with everything. Get paperwork (lease, bank statements, deposit slips, receipts for any big purchases like furniture) together as soon as possible. Make a list of all the things you brought to the apartment so you know what is yours.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

PineapplePopsicles said: doeydo said: You guys are awesome.In response to the couple of people who asked about my lease, we signed a one year one when we moved in, so it is over with now and maybe we are on a month to month one now? I don't think we ever signed another or anything, I don't know how it works. I'll try calling my mom (she just got off night shift this morning, but she's off for a few days now) and see what she says about everything, without going into too much detail. Some leases auto-renew once they expire, usually on a month-to-month basis. So you may have to give a 30 day notice (and pay rent during that 30 days) and then be done. But definitely check with your landlord asap to check your options - and do it now, before the 1st of the month!! The boxes today are killing me.

This may only apply to someone staying in the apartment though, not necessarily all parties. Hypothetically, the lease will still be carrying on in FI's name. Just ask your landlord. Say "I intend to move out of the apartment by the end of the month, and would like my name removed from the month-to-month lease. Dirtbag FI intends to stay. What's the process for that?" You may be out scot-free so don't be discouraged!

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

I'm so sorry @doeydo... I think you know you deserve MUCH better than this.

If you're month to month on your lease, I would firm up with your mom that her extra room is available and then call your landlord and give your 30 days notice (that's how most standard leases are written once you're month to month, but check your lease). Let your FI know that you've terminated the lease and he can decide if he wants to resign with just himself.

The constant worry, the distrust, the excuses, the justifying his behavior, feeling the need to look at his phone just in case, the heart-in-throat when you find the inevitable. I understand it - been there. He will not change. No matter how many times you tell yourself he will or that you can "fix" it...No. He WILL NOT change. You need out of this relationship.

The cats, the money, the logistics - those are DETAILS. Very minor details and you will work out in time. Don't make excuses about why it's difficult to leave. You can do this and I think deep down you know you should. He is not what the future has in store for you. He is a tiny chapter that you will look back on and say "phew, made it out of that mess". How long you prolong that chapter is in your hands.

I promise you when (not if) you leave him, you will feel free and empowered. It'll be hard at first and you'll need the support of your family and long talks with your therapist. But you will be stronger and better off without someone who doesn't value you like you deserve to be valued.

buttercup1958 · August 2014

Honestly I wouldn't stay at all. No one deserves this. You need to get your fair share and move on. You deserve to be happy!

raissyrais · August 2014

Sorry for you doeydo

I remember reading a post from you on TN asking "when do you know if it's over?". I can't remember exactly when, but is it the same guy you're talking about right now? I really hope you find peace and that you'll figure out what to do about it. Good luck and hugs to you.

Le Sigh

Re: Le Sigh

Choose Another Board

Search Boards