Le Sigh

BreMR · August 2014

I just wanted to pop in and say that I'm sorry you're going through this, as mostly an lurker of the CC board I recall your posts and may have contributed my thoughts before, but I find it super sad for you that not that long ago (if I recall correctly) you were ready to move on and felt great about it and you were convinced to stay, and this happens so soon after.

I know it's the opinion of a stranger, but you really do deserve better than the roller coaster you've been thrust upon and I hope you take your own well being and life into consideration.

hellosweetie1015 · August 2014

@doeydo I don't know if I've already commented on this, but I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and sending all the hugs. I haven't ever been through anything like this, so I don't really have any helpful input, but I agree with PPs 100% anyway.

But still. All the hugs and luck and prayers and vibes and thoughts and love and (insert your preference here).

doeydo · August 2014

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, thoughts, and hugs. @jdluvr06 I'm doing OK today, I guess.

This morning FI made me breakfast and we watched some girly shows. I was on the verge of tears all morning. We kind of talked, once he noticed my weird face. He said he loves me, would do whatever it takes, believes that we are meant to be together, etc. and then he asked what I wanted. I said how afraid I am of this sort of thing happening again, and he said he cannot give me a 100% guarantee that he wouldn't do it again (which our therapist has said before) and said that I need to ask myself if that will be enough/OK for me or not. So, I said IDK then we put off talking again until we went to our therapy appointment.

At the appointment, we explained to the therapist everything that was going on, then we kind of discussed both of our feelings on everything and the therapist agrees that I need to take some time and figure out if I will be OK with no guarantee of this not coming up again. Not that I would just be like "oh shucks" and get over it no problem but that I would be OK, if that makes sense. She also recommended us both seeing if we could find a sex addiction website/forum (since there are no groups in our tiny area). Apparently you can get like a sponsor and stuff, and hopefully FI could talk to people there that are going through the same things and it would help him.

So, I guess we are just both going to try and I'll try to think about everything.

Sugargirl1019 · August 2014

I just want you to know I cried reading this, as I had a horrible nightmare last night where DH admitted to cheating and never loving me (not true!). I am thinking about you and giving you many hugs and Reese's peanut butter cups to get through this.

You are saying IDK, where you are really saying NO. No you wouldn't be happy, my dear. Take a deep breath, tell him that, take a one month break from seeing each other, move into your moms house for a month, and see where you stand.

We love you.

beethery · August 2014

He saw his babysitting handout-provider getting ready to step out and he panicked. Don't get played by him.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

Dude, I haven't even seen the other threads.

But he's never going to change and you need to leave. Your relationship is a belly-up goldfish and you keep going "Well maybe if I just change the water it'll be better!"

It won't. The fish is dead and it's been dead for a long time. Flush it and move on. There are other fish. You can even be happy without a fish. Don't settle for a dead, rotting fish. You're better than that.

levioosa · August 2014

@Doeydo, I am so sorry you are in this position. Lolo had some spot on advice. Please don't talk yourself out of doing what is best for you, or discount your own feelings. @Beethery is right, he freaked out that his nanny/mom might disappear and he resorted, once again, to manipulation. He is still manipulating you. It won't stop.

I get wanting to give it your all, truly I do. But you are incredibly unhappy, and he's not going to change. He'll do just enough to keep you guessing and hoping that it's "for real" this time. You can love someone and still not be right for each other. Also, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that you have given your all in a balls out, motorcycle on fire jumping over the Grand Canyon kind of way.

For your own clarity and well being, leave the apartment and get your name off of the lease. You need space to process this. Start sorting as much of your finances as possible. Start an account that only your checks go to and separate money that is clearly yours. "He gets all of the money." What a complete load of crap.

And, fuck the girly shows with love and romantic backstories. Watch some man movie where shit gets blown up instead. I couldn't stand the girly love shows when I broke up with my ex. I mean, how is that even a good "break-up" remedy?!

You're doing a great job by getting help for yourself. Don't let your self esteem and self worth get torn down by an ass who can't see what he's going to miss out on.

BreMR · August 2014

I am sad to see that you're accepting of the behavior and willing to try again, just to refresh my memory I read your last post, it was not even two weeks ago that you posted about needing to talk to him because you didn't think things were going to work out, and then you had a long talk about how you could work things out.. isn't it kind of sad that things barely lasted two weeks before you felt like you had to leave him again?

I don't mean to come off as harsh, but I have a dear family member that is going through something very similar but instead of sex addiction it's drugs. She thought she could take him back and they could work it out and through his addiction, but he didn't really care to change so now she's back to leaving him again. It's a really sad situation, and she's also struggling with putting herself and needs first....

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

Telling you the same things you've heard before (i.e. "I love you and we're meant to be together"), making some food, and then saying "yea, well I can't promise this won't happen again".... is about the worst "apology" - if you can even call it that - I have ever heard.

Translation: "I will tell you what you want to hear, make you a little food and let you pick the movie, but I'm not going to stop doing what I'm doing." He pretty much told you he's not sorry and that he's not going to stop the behavior that's upsetting to you. @doeydo - if that is enough for you, if that's how you imagine your future and you're ok with it, fine. But I don't believe that you ARE ok with it. Obviously you're not or you wouldn't be upset about it and posting here.

If you had a friend in this situation, what would you be telling her to do? Would you tell her to try again - for the hundredth time - to work it out? That he *might* change, so she should just stick it out? That she should stay just to go through the same routine over and over and over again? I don't think you would because you'd see him for what he is: a selfish, manipulative man who will not change. You'd tell her that he will accept the occasional fight, in which he'll just put on his puppy dog face, he'll tell her he loves her, sorta listen to her complain about it and then go back to his normal activities - no big deal for him and no long term consequences, so why not? You'd tell her she deserves more. She's strong enough to leave. Be your own best friend here and put yourself first for once.

I think you know this isn't right, but you haven't really admitted it to yourself to the point that you will take any action. I'm very sorry for you right now because I know that you CAN do what you know you need to do.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

Oh sweetie. The answer you're looking for is not "I don't know." You do know. The answer is "NO." No, this is not good enough. No, I'm not willing to let you use sex addiction as an excuse for not trying, not committing, not caring enough. No, I'm not going to continue under the delusion that I don't deserve better than this.

FI has an addiction. He's promised me 100% that he will never, ever have another drink of alcohol as long as he lives. Not even NA beer, not even Communion wine. Not one, not ever. He has friends who battled addictions to meth, cocaine and heroin. These are intensely powerful, chemical addictions that change the chemistry of your brain. They've promised their friends and family that they will NEVER. DO IT. AGAIN. Drug addiction is one of the most powerful forces on this planet, and they've promised to never do it again because they love their families that much. Your FI can't promise you that he'll stop looking at boobies on the internet?! And you think you might be OK with that level of commitment and dedication to you?

You have Celiac disease, right? Was there a point in your life before you were diagnosed when you just really loved bagels? But then you realized "oh hey bagels, you're treating me like shit. You're no good for me." You could have chosen to keep eating bagels and keep feeling like shit... after all, you love them, and they weren't hurting you intentionally. But you didn't. You said "sorry bagels, I love you, but I can't let you keep hurting me anymore. I need to quit you."

I realize bagels aren't as serious a topic as a long term relationship, but the damage he is causing you mentally is just as serious as wheat would cause you physically.

hellosweetie1015 · August 2014

Time2strtliving said:

@Doeydo, I am so sorry you are in this position. Lolo had some spot on advice. Please don't talk yourself out of doing what is best for you, or discount your own feelings. @Beethery is right, he freaked out that his nanny/mom might disappear and he resorted, once again, to manipulation. He is still manipulating you. It won't stop.

I get wanting to give it your all, truly I do. But you are incredibly unhappy, and he's not going to change. He'll do just enough to keep you guessing and hoping that it's "for real" this time. You can love someone and still not be right for each other. Also, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that you have given your all in a balls out, motorcycle on fire jumping over the Grand Canyon kind of way.

For your own clarity and well being, leave the apartment and get your name off of the lease. You need space to process this. Start sorting as much of your finances as possible. Start an account that only your checks go to and separate money that is clearly yours. "He gets all of the money." What a complete load of crap.

And, fuck the girly shows with love and romantic backstories. Watch some man movie where shit gets blown up instead. I couldn't stand the girly love shows when I broke up with my ex. I mean, how is that even a good "break-up" remedy?!

You're doing a great job by getting help for yourself. Don't let your self esteem and self worth get torn down by an ass who can't see what he's going to miss out on.

THIS. THIS THIS THIS.

(All of it, but especially the bolded.)

Actually, no. Go blow shit up yourself, if you have half a chance. If you have a safe place at which to do so, buy some fireworks and blow them up. Have a bonfire and turn a bottle of hairspray into a flamethrower. Take a baseball bat to something, or a sledgehammer, or an axe. DO SOMETHING. Hell, I fucking break out the damn pushmower when I'm pissed off, shove some headphones in my ears, and crank up the angriest music I own. It's EXTREMELY cathartic to me.

climbingsingle · August 2014

I wish you'd realize that you deserve so much better than this. There are many, many fish out there in that sea. Fish that would treat you a million times better.

beethery · August 2014

I can't believe how fucking BALLSY that guy is. The fucking gall he has to tell you, "I can't promise that won't happen again."

FUCK THAT. FUCK IT RIGHT IN THE FACE.

You do whatever you want, but the only correct response to someone telling you they can't promise they'll be faithful and good to you is, "I can't promise that I'm going to stick around for this OBVIOUS BULLSHIT ANYMORE. Peace be the journey, you sack of shit!"

I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship for entirely too long, years ago. I would catch him in some bullshit, get socked in the ribs, and have my life and the lives of family members threatened, and then later he'd apologize, put on a tv show he knew I liked and promise that he only acted like that because he loved me so much. He'd tell me he knew it was the only way to make me stay, because he needed me. Then he'd say, "Well, you're my at-home bitch. Whatever I do outside of here doesn't matter."

Motherfucker, if all you need is someone to play momma and housekeeper and punching bag for you, you got the wrong fuckin' lady. He put his hands around my throat for the last time, and that was fucking IT.

Don't let anyone talk to you or treat you like you're LESS. Don't feel like this is what you deserve, because you DON'T. Don't let this motherfucker play you, because he is relying on your feeling of being responsible for him.

You don't owe him a god damn thing. You owe it to yourself to boost the fuck out of there and do life for YOURSELF.

What's good for the goose ain't always good for the gander, and he's running with this shit under the (what he'll realize later was misguided) impression that you'll stay faithful because you're not an asshole like he is. Get out of there and realize that he is in the wrong.

raissyrais · August 2014

The next time he goes and plunges back into those websites, you will find out and your heart will be fractured into a million pieces again. Will that 100th time be the right time to leave him? Or will you give him yet another chance? I'm sorry Doey, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. He needs help.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

When beethery goes into large font mode, that shit's the gospel. Inscribe it on a tablet. Preach it from a mountaintop. It is truth.

He may need help, but he certainly doesn't want it. Why would he want to change? He's never felt any negative repercussions from his actions. He always gets exactly what he wants. He's having his cake, and eating it while checking out some strange. He fucks up, you forgive him. He doesn't pay his bills, so you do it for him. WHEN will he be compelled to change? Not as long as you're around forgiving him and making his life easier.

sarawifenow · August 2014

Doey, he isn't going to change. I beg you to please take the responses you have gotten to heart. He basically told you that he is going to do this again because he is! Nothing will make him change. Do you really want to spend your whole life like this?

PineapplePopsicles · August 2014

lolo883 said:

Oh sweetie. The answer you're looking for is not "I don't know." You do know. The answer is "NO." No, this is not good enough. No, I'm not willing to let you use sex addiction as an excuse for not trying, not committing, not caring enough. No, I'm not going to continue under the delusion that I don't deserve better than this.

FI has an addiction. He's promised me 100% that he will never, ever have another drink of alcohol as long as he lives. Not even NA beer, not even Communion wine. Not one, not ever. He has friends who battled addictions to meth, cocaine and heroin. These are intensely powerful, chemical addictions that change the chemistry of your brain. They've promised their friends and family that they will NEVER. DO IT. AGAIN. Drug addiction is one of the most powerful forces on this planet, and they've promised to never do it again because they love their families that much. Your FI can't promise you that he'll stop looking at boobies on the internet?! And you think you might be OK with that level of commitment and dedication to you?

You have Celiac disease, right? Was there a point in your life before you were diagnosed when you just really loved bagels? But then you realized "oh hey bagels, you're treating me like shit. You're no good for me." You could have chosen to keep eating bagels and keep feeling like shit... after all, you love them, and they weren't hurting you intentionally. But you didn't. You said "sorry bagels, I love you, but I can't let you keep hurting me anymore. I need to quit you."

I realize bagels aren't as serious a topic as a long term relationship, but the damage he is causing you mentally is just as serious as wheat would cause you physically.

I teared up reading this part. This is what you deserve, @doeydo THIS kind of love & commitment. And it IS out there somewhere. As cheesy as it is, there is a really good pin that pops up on pinterest every once in a while that says something like "the next chapter of your life can't start if you're still re-reading the last one" or something like that. You deserve the best. Get out of there.

gladyscf · August 2014

raissyrais said:

The next time he goes and plunges back into those websites, you will find out and your heart will be fractured into a million pieces again. Will that 100th time be the right time to leave him? Or will you give him yet another chance? I'm sorry Doey, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. He needs help.

The bolded.

He needs help and you can't possibly give him the help he needs.

Sex addiction, as with all addictions, can't be cured if the person isn't wanting to. He only wants to get better when you catch him and call him on his shit.

I did the same damn things with my ex-husband. We installed the nanny software, we went through the "honeymoon" periods after he'd been caught, we had the begging. It just really isn't worth it. Don't continue to enable him to keep you on this roller coaster.

I used to belong to a sex addiction community on the net and I can't remember the name of it. I'll try to find it for you but to be honest, you will just hear more of the same that you are hearing on this post.

When I finally made the decision to leave my ex, I can't put into words how incredibly light I felt. I won't kid you either, you will need a long time to heal. What he is putting you through is incredibly hurtful and you will need to repair the damage he has caused. You will. It can't be anyone else.

Don't keep putting yourself through this.

You is kind. You is Smart. You is Important.

FutureMrsN3312 · August 2014

My heart breaks for you it really does. But like the other ladies have said...Get it together...

Split whatever is in your account, pack your shit, move to your moms, change your phone number and don't look back.

I've dated some scummy guys...but there's plenty out there that will treat you like the queen you are. It's a culture shock but you'll learn to accept it.

In the meantime, put on your big girl panties.

birdybride2014 · August 2014

I haven't been around to know your whole history, but I am so heartbroken by this. I hope that you are able to find the strength to do what is best for you.

So many of us are here, on the knot, all because we have found partners who are loving and gentle and kind and respectful that we wish to spend the rest of our lives with. No one here would ever wish for anyone to be in a relationship that sounded as though it as anything other than those qualities. I believe that everyone in a committed relationship should be treated as though they are loved and that they are loveable. That that is the KEY point to being in a relationship, to be LOVED and feel LOVEABLE. He may want to keep your around and tell you that he loves you, but he isn't committing to making you feel these things.

I hope you take the advice of all of these people on this bored. Sending you good thoughts!

SmileDamnit · August 2014

Honestly Doey, this comes down to a YOU thing, not a HIM thing. As you, yourself, (...and PPs, and the therapist, and HE HIMSELF) have said - he isn't going to change. And, even if he was going to change, you don't have a single iota of say in when or how he does it. THEE only thing you have control over in this situation (in ALL situations) is you. What do YOU want out of life? What are YOU willing to compromise? What are YOU willing to sacrifice? What is YOUR self worth? Scary questions, no dobut...but the sooner you're willing to invest the time & energy into figuring out you, the sooner you'll find strength & happiness & peace. Good luck & godspeed.

LadyMillil · August 2014

You are caught in a vicious circle. You are unhappy and tell him you need things to change, he says whatever it is you want to hear with no intention of following through long term, he slips back to his old habits, you are unhappy again, he says whatever you want to hear to stay, he doesn't change, you're unhappy again and so on. He has proven that he doesn't want to change for you. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Do you know why he tells you he'll change? Because he knows that he won't find some one like you again. Because he is confident you won't leave regardless of what he does. Because he knows you have some insecurities and he can use those to his advantage. Because you make his life easier by managing all the money and (I'm guessing) taking care of him. It's easier for him to be with you than to be alone and have to take responsibility for his life.

You DO NOT need to stand by his side and support him through a sex addiction ESPECIALLY IF HE WON'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE AND SAYS HE CAN'T GUARANTEE IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. No one will think any less of you. He has shown time and time again that the women on the internet mean more to him than you. You know he has texts from a local woman. Are you 100% sure that only texting has happened? Are you 100% sure that you can trust him to stop texting women? Are you 100% sure that if he was out without you and a woman flirted with him and invited him back to her place that he wouldn't go? He is going to keep pushing the boundaries because he knows that he can get away with it.

If you want to leave, you need to get everything ready and just go. Don't talk about it with him. Don't give him the opportunity to try to change your mind. Talk about it with your friends, your mom and your personal therapist.

Fran1985 · August 2014

I agree that you need to look at yourself, not his behavoir. He has shown you who he is. You know his character, and this weakness and his lies and dishonesty. Now look at yourself. What are you going to do to make yourself feel loved, valued, and proud of yourself. Love is not enough. I truly loved my high school boyfriend. But we didn't match up in terms of values and goals, and when I look back now it is 1/10000 of the love I have for my FI. I loved my college bf. It was an insane, passionate love. He made me feel like it was us against the world and that no one ever had ever felt the fire that we had. Most of that fire was jealousy and obsession (he was cheating almost all the time).

There is no love that compares to the building your life together love. Even if you love some of his traits (sense of humor or intelligence or kindness) I promise you that there is no feeling in the world like being a true partner with your spouse or future spouse. When you know that there is one person in the world who completely has your back, and you are a team. You need to start as a team and as pure equals, because as life goes on you will each have to carry the other. Can he carry you? If you get sick, if your parents die, if you lose your job. Can he support you through that emotionally? Can he take on his own burdens as well as yours?

You know the answer. Find the strength that I know you have to say it outloud.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

lolo883 said:

Oh man Doey. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I do agree, it doesn't seem like he wants to change or has any intention of doing so. You NEED to have a partner who's honest with you.

He has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, right?

He is likely incapable of changing these impulse related behaviors because he has a mental disability that prevents his mind from functioning at a normal level.

doeydo · August 2014

Yes, he has FASD.

Yes, I have Celiac disease, but I was diagnosed as a baby when I was being introduced to regular foods. So, from my memory, I have always been on a GF diet, though I used to steal goodies and hide somewhere to eat them and pay for it later.

JCbride2015 · August 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

lolo883 said:

Oh man Doey. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I do agree, it doesn't seem like he wants to change or has any intention of doing so. You NEED to have a partner who's honest with you.

He has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, right?

He is likely incapable of changing these impulse related behaviors because he has a mental disability that prevents his mind from functioning at a normal level.

And Doey, just because he can't change due to his disability, does not mean that you are somehow obligated to put up with it. His behavior is probably linked to the disability in some way, but it doesn't make you a bad person to stick up for yourself and decide that a partner who betrays you and puts your health in danger is not someone you can spend the rest of your life with. You can make that decision for yourself without casting judgment on his disability.

You are not required to martyr yourself for him, disability or not.

ETA: TK ate my words.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

doeydo said:

Yes, he has FASD.
Yes, I have Celiac disease, but I was diagnosed as a baby when I was being introduced to regular foods. So, from my memory, I have always been on a GF diet, though I used to steal goodies and hide somewhere to eat them and pay for it later.

@doeydo, I'm sorry for what you are going through and I think you have been a very strong and compassionate person to try and make this relationship work. I wish the best for you and your FI, no matter what happens.

Now, I'm reading through the comments and many of you are posting as if her FI is a mentally healthy individual who is choosing to act like an ass and mistreat her because he is unwilling to change.

This is just not the case.

He has permanent brain damage that will affect his behaviors for the rest of his life, and that no amount of therapy will "fix." He likely cannot change these behaviors, whether he might want to or not.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

lolo883 said:

Oh man Doey. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I do agree, it doesn't seem like he wants to change or has any intention of doing so. You NEED to have a partner who's honest with you.

He has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, right?

He is likely incapable of changing these impulse related behaviors because he has a mental disability that prevents his mind from functioning at a normal level.

That doesn't make his actions ok. Especially not to just shrug it off and say "yeah, I'll do this again."

JCbride2015 · August 2014

lolo883 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

lolo883 said:

Oh man Doey. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I do agree, it doesn't seem like he wants to change or has any intention of doing so. You NEED to have a partner who's honest with you.

He has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, right?

He is likely incapable of changing these impulse related behaviors because he has a mental disability that prevents his mind from functioning at a normal level.

That doesn't make his actions ok. Especially not to just shrug it off and say "yeah, I'll do this again."

Absolutely doesn't make his actions okay at all. Just because somebody is a sociopath doesn't mean it's okay for them to go around killing people.

But it does mean that when he says he'll do it again, he's just stating reality. He WILL do it again. Because he lacks impulse control. He can't just go to therapy and fix it. This is all compounded and made worse by the fact that he doesn't seem to want to get better, either.

So @doeydo is looking at a lifetime of constant betrayal. It will not change.

SmileDamnit · August 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

doeydo said:

Yes, he has FASD.
Yes, I have Celiac disease, but I was diagnosed as a baby when I was being introduced to regular foods. So, from my memory, I have always been on a GF diet, though I used to steal goodies and hide somewhere to eat them and pay for it later.

@doeydo, I'm sorry for what you are going through and I think you have been a very strong and compassionate person to try and make this relationship work. I wish the best for you and your FI, no matter what happens.

Now, I'm reading through the comments and many of you are posting as if her FI is a mentally healthy individual who is choosing to act like an ass and mistreat her because he is unwilling to change.

This is just not the case.

He has permanent brain damage that will affect his behaviors for the rest of his life, and that no amount of therapy will "fix." He likely cannot change these behaviors, whether he might want to or not.

Yep - and that was all addressed in previous threads... (ex. http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1018717/trouble-in-paradise-update#latest).

Again, it comes down to Doey doing what's best for Doey. But it doesn't sound like she's in a place where's she's really able to focus on/committ to that yet.

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