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Hi, Again.

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Re: Hi, Again.

  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Well I'm curious to hear about this new friendship, Doey. Tell me about it. I will give you my thoughts about the relationship as it purely relates to YOU.

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    doeydo said:
    My FI knows I frequent this board and knows my screen name.  I wanted to talk to someone about a new friendship of mine, which FI has issues with, and get any advice I could on it.  I know you all think I should leave him, and deep down I know I should too.  I am not looking for validation to stay with him, nor am I looking for sympathy.  I get this is the internet, people can post however they want, and I am probably over sensitive, but some things that some of you say hurt my feelings.  I would rather not subject myself to that anymore so I'll stop posting about my life publicly.  Sorry if this comes off bad or as if I am an AW, I just wanted to talk to someone and get advice.  My apologies for having feelings and thinking I could come here again.  
    Doey, you're being a martyr, and you don't have to be one.  You have the power to leave, to be happy, to make a difference in your own life.  It's scary, but it has to happen.  You are in a relationship where you are not only unequally yoked, but also where there is no trust to work through it.  There will never be trust.  You will never feel satisfied.  You will never be happy.  These "cycles" of the broken trust, promises, honeymoon period and then broken trust will become shorter and shorter.  In the past month they've already shortened drastically.  

    You can have friends.  You can make new friends.  It doesn't matter if new friends are male or female as long as no boundaries are being crossed.  FI is a pot calling the kettle black, and you haven't even done anything.  

    People here are upset because they care and you keep subjecting yourself to the same pain, even when you know it will never work out.  You really need to ask yourself why.  And don't say it's because "you love him."  There's more to it than that.   Why do you need him?  Why is this good for you?  Why are you willing to be in pain?

    Get your name off of the lease, take your money and the cats and leave.  Get your own personal therapist.  You seriously don't owe him anything.    

    P.S. A relationship needs a hell of a lot more than love to make it work. 


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  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Time2strtliving said:
    doeydo said:
    My FI knows I frequent this board and knows my screen name.  I wanted to talk to someone about a new friendship of mine, which FI has issues with, and get any advice I could on it.  I know you all think I should leave him, and deep down I know I should too.  I am not looking for validation to stay with him, nor am I looking for sympathy.  I get this is the internet, people can post however they want, and I am probably over sensitive, but some things that some of you say hurt my feelings.  I would rather not subject myself to that anymore so I'll stop posting about my life publicly.  Sorry if this comes off bad or as if I am an AW, I just wanted to talk to someone and get advice.  My apologies for having feelings and thinking I could come here again.  
    Doey, you're being a martyr, and you don't have to be one.  You have the power to leave, to be happy, to make a difference in your own life.  It's scary, but it has to happen.  You are in a relationship where you are not only unequally yoked, but also where there is no trust to work through it.  There will never be trust.  You will never feel satisfied.  You will never be happy.  These "cycles" of the broken trust, promises, honeymoon period and then broken trust will become shorter and shorter.  In the past month they've already shortened drastically.  

    You can have friends.  You can make new friends.  It doesn't matter if new friends are male or female as long as no boundaries are being crossed.  FI is a pot calling the kettle black, and you haven't even done anything.  

    People here are upset because they care and you keep subjecting yourself to the same pain, even when you know it will never work out.  You really need to ask yourself why.  And don't say it's because "you love him."  There's more to it than that.   Why do you need him?  Why is this good for you?  Why are you willing to be in pain?

    Get your name off of the lease, take your money and the cats and leave.  Get your own personal therapist.  You seriously don't owe him anything.    

    P.S. A relationship needs a hell of a lot more than love to make it work. 
    This. Especially when that love is one-sided. 
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It's not healthy that you have to hide things from him on the internet.  Really, it isn't.  

    That's showing a lot about the status of your relationship...I'm sorry you have all this going on but I promise you the best way to make this start getting better is to value yourself. 

    He has an issue with you having friends?  How about the fact you have issues with all the shit he's throwing around.

    Ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life...because it won't get better.  It will get worse.



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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    LDay2014 said:
    It's not healthy that you have to hide things from him on the internet.  Really, it isn't.  

    That's showing a lot about the status of your relationship...I'm sorry you have all this going on but I promise you the best way to make this start getting better is to value yourself. 

    He has an issue with you having friends?  How about the fact you have issues with all the shit he's throwing around.

    Ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life...because it won't get better.  It will get worse.



    This. It will never get better.
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  • SmileDamnitSmileDamnit member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    winchestered said:
    So maybe we should all stop responding to the 'feel bad for me' posts?
    Ding. Ding. Ding.
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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    @doeydo, you're a sweet girl, and I hope that you are able to find the courage to do what you KNOW you need to do.  That being said, I'm in the camp of not feeling sympathetic when somebody continuously comes back looking for advice on the same old shit on a regular basis.  It's gonna be up to you to force the change that you know needs to happen, and asking about it on here multiple times isn't going to help you. 

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  • LadyMillilLadyMillil member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Very rarely would I advocate for keeping something from your SO, but you should be free to talk to friends (even Internet friends) without your SO knowing all the details of the conversation. He does not need to know your screen name and you can change it and not tell him. There are instructions on the tech board so KP doesn't have to do it for you. Unless this new friend is taking advantage of you, starting a type of relationship that could be considered cheating, or is just a really bad person, there is no reason for your FI to have problems with a new friendship.

    Anniversary
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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Then change your screen name.  Then in your siggy, put that you were formerly known as "Do (*) ey (*) Do", or something similar that can't be google searched.  That way we will know who you are.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    doeydo said:
    My FI knows I frequent this board and knows my screen name.  I wanted to talk to someone about a new friendship of mine, which FI has issues with, and get any advice I could on it.  I know you all think I should leave him, and deep down I know I should too.  I am not looking for validation to stay with him, nor am I looking for sympathy.  I get this is the internet, people can post however they want, and I am probably over sensitive, but some things that some of you say hurt my feelings.  I would rather not subject myself to that anymore so I'll stop posting about my life publicly.  Sorry if this comes off bad or as if I am an AW, I just wanted to talk to someone and get advice.  My apologies for having feelings and thinking I could come here again.  
    Your FI is checking up on youo on the internet?  He is trying to control the relationships you have with others?  Doeydo, this just sounds worse and worse!  There is no trust in your relationship.  Please get out before you get hurt even more!
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  • themuffinman16themuffinman16 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    What does an abusive relationship look like?
    Does your partner....
    >    Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
    >    Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
    >    Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
    >    Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
    If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

    Your FI knows about you coming here. He knows your name, he knows who you talk to and what you've said. He knows you won't dare talk to people IRL about this.  He knows he is winning.  My sister is in the SAME relationship. And it looked a lot like yours from the start. Then it went from yours to feeling she had to have threesomes to satiate her husband (she was not bisexual she just thought it was a way to make him stay faithful).Your F wants you to be embarrassed to talk about it. Once you stop talking to people, he owns you. This friend is a threat to him. Why?  because it is IRL. He knows we can't do a damn thing about it, and only interfere as much as our computer screen lets us. A real friend you would talk to is a threat to him.
       My older sister's H has threatened to kill himself and take their dogs with him if she would ever leave him. He has made her quit her job as a teacher so she can work with him (he doesn't want her out of his sight). He controls all of relationships who she talks to, who she doesn't. If there is a strong-willed person in her life, she is not allowed to have any contact with him.
       Don't you see, he may not be beating you, but there are so many more forms of abuse.  Eventually, you will just want to make him happy, and will give in to him. Until he wants more from you. You grow tired and give him more and leave nothing for yourself.  Soon, you are just an extension of his life, if you aren't all ready. You need to realize your FI may not like your friends, but he has NO RIGHT to dictate who you see and who you don't. That is control... and that's just plain scary
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    doeydo said: My FI knows I frequent this board and knows my screen name.  I wanted to talk to someone about a new friendship of mine, which FI has issues with, and get any advice I could on it.  I know you all think I should leave him, and deep down I know I should too.  I am not looking for validation to stay with him, nor am I looking for sympathy.  I get this is the internet, people can post however they want, and I am probably over sensitive, but some things that some of you say hurt my feelings.  I would rather not subject myself to that anymore so I'll stop posting about my life publicly.  Sorry if this comes off bad or as if I am an AW, I just wanted to talk to someone and get advice.  My apologies for having feelings and thinking I could come here again.  
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     Good idea.  If you ask people for opinions, you will get them.  Somehow I doubt you didn't want the attention today since you've been on the internet long enough to know that posting some vague AW thread after everything else you've posted recently would elicit     precisely the responses that have been posted in this thread.

    I've seen enough of you to know you're not actually stupid, so the only reasonable assumption left is that you are a huge AW.

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  • themuffinman16themuffinman16 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    Another insight into you:  You have a ticker for your relationship, even though you are engaged, you are not planning a wedding until your FI gets his act together.  Then you boast about how long you have been together.  DO you have issues with your parent's relationships?  
       When I was younger, I stayed in relationships with guys who would cheat on me, because I figured the number of years we were together meant we had a strongrelationship. When I came to my sense, I realized I didn't have anything at all.
       You can build a beautiful house on a foundation of quicksand, and just because it looks beautiful doesn't mean it will last. At any given moment, that house will crumble, and you will still be putting up new shutters. You have to know when a cause is lost. Your relationship is flawed from the foundation.  Nothing you do to your relationship will make it any better, it will only conceal problems. GET OUT.
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  • ScoutFScoutF member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think I love you @pinkrevenge.
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  • jynxiiejynxiie member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    I don't have much to add other then if you are planning on leaving, I believe I live pretty close (Brampton) and I'd help you get out of there (and your kitties).
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lurkergirl said:
    lulu411 said:
    I'm really late to this party but I felt the need to go back and read through all the other threads you've started that other people have mentioned, so I did, and the ONLY thing I can think of to say is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WITH HIM?!

    PLEASE tell me what he does for you. I'm not even trying to be catty, I really want to know what value you are getting from this sham of a relationship. 

    Also, life is too short to be miserable.
    Well, if she leaves him, then she can't come here and have all of us fawn over her and tell her how great she is.

    Doey, I'm curious if your therapist knows you post here.  Perhaps you should explore your need for attention and validation. 

    Disregard if I'm mistaken, but didn't you say in another thread awhile back that you developed relationships with men on the internet at a pretty young age?  Do you think that has something to do with your current state (relationship and coming here to talk about it)?  Is this something you discuss in therapy?  (You don't have to give us details of your sessions--that is just a question for you to think about).

    I think you have so much more going on in addition to your bad relationship.  I'm sorry if this all seems blunt, but I can't be the only one wondering these things.
    Right, because I totally plan my whole life and relationship based on how I can get the most attention.  Heck, if that was me, Why wouldn't I dump him and then start dating someone who would rape, beat, and pimp me out?  Then I could get some really good sympathy.  *eye roll*

    Yes, I skipped school and went online to meet men at a pretty young age and explored sexually.  Thankfully, I am OK and STD free, but I realize what I did back then was stupid and it was because of my own issues; after being abused by my father, I finally told someone and then CAS and the courts got involved and my family split.  My mom, I love her and she tried her hardest, I'm sure, but she made me feel like it was all my fault and that if I had kept my mouth shut, then her marriage would have worked and she wouldn't have to deal with any lawyers or anything.  Apparently, risky and promiscuous behaviour is kind of common in people who were sexually abused as children.
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