Hi, Again.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

beethery said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

beethery said:

emcmac87 said:
So according to the thing @raissyrais posted in July of 2013 your ticker said you guys had been together 4 years and 10 months. And you're 21 right now. So a guy in his early 30's-late 20's was dating a 15/16 year old? That just seems all kinds of wrong, especially with what you've said about him.

Oh god, I hadn't even done that math. This is so fucked up.

Unfortunately I'm thinking pedophile, but now his little girl isn't so little anymore and he wants what the internet can give him.

------------BOX YOU WERE HERE BEFORE!-------

First thought that came to mind: GROOMING.

--------DAMN BOX-----------------------------
Aaaannd I'm going to puke.

misshart00 · September 2014

beethery said:

emcmac87 said:

So according to the thing @raissyrais posted in July of 2013 your ticker said you guys had been together 4 years and 10 months. And you're 21 right now. So a guy in his early 30's-late 20's was dating a 15/16 year old? That just seems all kinds of wrong, especially with what you've said about him.

Oh god, I hadn't even done that math. This is so fucked up.

Yeah, um, I'll agree that that's weird.

BreMR · September 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

beethery said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

beethery said:

emcmac87 said:
So according to the thing @raissyrais posted in July of 2013 your ticker said you guys had been together 4 years and 10 months. And you're 21 right now. So a guy in his early 30's-late 20's was dating a 15/16 year old? That just seems all kinds of wrong, especially with what you've said about him.

Oh god, I hadn't even done that math. This is so fucked up.

Unfortunately I'm thinking pedophile, but now his little girl isn't so little anymore and he wants what the internet can give him.

First thought that came to mind: GROOMING.

Aaaannd I'm going to puke.

I think I'm stuck in the box! Can't tell on my phone

What's the deal with grooming? Is this a previous issue?

theycallmelinz · September 2014

misshart00 said:

beethery said:

emcmac87 said:

So according to the thing @raissyrais posted in July of 2013 your ticker said you guys had been together 4 years and 10 months. And you're 21 right now. So a guy in his early 30's-late 20's was dating a 15/16 year old? That just seems all kinds of wrong, especially with what you've said about him.

Oh god, I hadn't even done that math. This is so fucked up.

Yeah, um, I'll agree that that's weird.

What a creeper! It makes SO much sense now. There's a whole big wide world out there you'll never know about if you stay with this person who has basically taken part of your childhood.

theycallmelinz · September 2014

And I'm infuriated because it doesn't matter what ANY of us say, you're still going to stay with this creepy son of a bitch.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

Grooming is what a pedophile does to make a child trust him, then feel like they need him, and make them feel threatened and scared to mention it to anybody and that the deserve what they're getting. Long story short.

BreMR · September 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:
Grooming is what a pedophile does to make a child trust him, then feel like they need him, and make them feel threatened and scared to mention it to anybody and that the deserve what they're getting. Long story short.

Does he groom her? Unless I'm taking the term grooming too literally, because I'm picturing shaving and hair brushing

JCbride2015 · September 2014

The age thing is terrible. My advice is the same. DTMFA.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child-Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming

misshart00 · September 2014

BreMR said:

Grooming is what a pedophile does to make a child trust him, then feel like they need him, and make them feel threatened and scared to mention it to anybody and that the deserve what they're getting. Long story short.
Does he groom her? Unless I'm taking the term grooming too literally, because I'm picturing shaving and hair brushing

I think you're taking up it too literally.

BreMR · September 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child-Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming

Okay! Now I'm up to speed! Thanks

beethery · September 2014

BreMR said:

Grooming is what a pedophile does to make a child trust him, then feel like they need him, and make them feel threatened and scared to mention it to anybody and that the deserve what they're getting. Long story short.
Does he groom her? Unless I'm taking the term grooming too literally, because I'm picturing shaving and hair brushing

hahahahaaaa!!!! you are so wrong for that!

chibiyui · September 2014

So like, when I want to read a cheesy ass shoujo manga, I have a weak spot for ones that feature age differences, specifically teacher/student relationships, cause-I-thought-it-was-hot-don't-judge-me.

Anyway.

I get the fantasy of an older man, they're more mature, more stable (usually) charming, sexier, etc. Especially when I was a teen, cause damn my peers were not worth banging. As I've grown older, I realize how much bullshit a lot of that myth is. The power balance between a teenager and a 20 some year old is crazy tilted toward the 20 something. That is not an equal relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great guys out there that end up dating/marrying much younger women, they are the exception. The fact is, if you met your FI when you were (being generous) 16-17 and he was (being generous) 25, there is a world of difference between where the two of you were emotionally, mentally, everything!. Holy shit Doey, you're still growing up! The amount of change I went through from 23 to 25 alone, was huge! Let alone the change from being a teenager to an adult.

Also, let me tell you. your early 20's can be a blast! I really grew a lot, tried new things, made friends and discovered a lot about myself during that time. Don't let it pass you by worrying about whether or not your FI is looking at boobies online and doesn't want to touch yours. Give yourself some space, live a little, and give yourself some options. Don't resign yourself to your current path just cause it's familiar.

wajohnson09 · September 2014

I am 21 and, yes, this is my first serious relationship. he is in his 30's, if that matters.

-----------

Gah!!!! Run! Run fast and far away!!!!

FYI- my FI is 8 years older than me and I'm still saying this!

levioosa · September 2014

Oh man, Doey, people can say "age doesn't matter," but at a certain point it does. A nearly thirty year old MAN dating a teenage CHILD is wrong no matter which way you slice it. Nothing against you, but a mid twenties-thirty year old man shouldn't even be interested in knowing a sixteen year old, let alone being in a relationship with them.

I'm not a big person at 5'1", but when I look at high school boys now, all I can think is, "When did you get so young? I could snap you like a fucking twig. And you're so....scrawny. And puh-leaaase, enough with the penis jokes!" lol. I get that boys do mature a little more slowly than girls, but the fact still remains: Mature adults have zero interest in teenagers not only because it is wrong, but also because the relationship holds nothing for them. The maturity isn't there--and can't be there, because their brains are not fully formed yet.

There is literally nothing positive about this relationship (nope--carrying the groceries in doesn't count). How did you two meet? Was it online? At a coffee shop? How does a man in his late twenties even approach a girl without being a total creeper about it?

(Again, I'm not trying to insult you, but I really would like to know. I only know of one instance where someone I know met a man online--she was seventeen and he was thirty, and he turned out to be a pedophile. She doesn't believe it, although he was arrested previously for making inappropriate gestures at twelve year olds, and she still didn't believe it when he was fired from a job for hitting on a seven year old, when his excuse to his boss was that "she looked twelve." His favorite thing about the girl I knew was that she had an underdeveloped "athletic" and "boyish" body. I get that that's an extreme example, but I think it's still valid here. A man does not pursue a child--even a teenage child).

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

chibiyui said:
So like, when I want to read a cheesy ass shoujo manga, I have a weak spot for ones that feature age differences, specifically teacher/student relationships, cause-I-thought-it-was-hot-don't-judge-me.

Anyway.

I get the fantasy of an older man, they're more mature, more stable (usually) charming, sexier, etc. Especially when I was a teen, cause damn my peers were not worth banging. As I've grown older, I realize how much bullshit a lot of that myth is. The power balance between a teenager and a 20 some year old is crazy tilted toward the 20 something. That is not an equal relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great guys out there that end up dating/marrying much younger women, they are the exception. The fact is, if you met your FI when you were (being generous) 16-17 and he was (being generous) 25, there is a world of difference between where the two of you were emotionally, mentally, everything!. Holy shit Doey, you're still growing up! The amount of change I went through from 23 to 25 alone, was huge! Let alone the change from being a teenager to an adult.

Also, let me tell you. your early 20's can be a blast! I really grew a lot, tried new things, made friends and discovered a lot about myself during that time. Don't let it pass you by worrying about whether or not your FI is looking at boobies online and doesn't want to touch yours. Give yourself some space, live a little, and give yourself some options. Don't resign yourself to your current path just cause it's familiar.

QFT

I am a different human being than I was at 21. Holy shit, so different. If I had been dating DH then, I surely would have fucked it up.

Anyway doey - you are a sexy young minx right now. If a dude would rather look at internet porn, than a hot 21 year old, he has major issues. Big time. What's it going to be like when your boobs start sagging, you get wrinkly and old? If you think its bad now... Just GTFO and find a real man (or woman, you are bi right?) who appreciates a real women FFS. Dude's a fucking loser. Sorry not sorry.

beethery · September 2014

I have a fun story about my aunt's friend.

My aunt's friend, R started dating C when she was 14. He was 22. He is a part of a holy-roller church. R joined at his request so that they could spend time together. They eventually got married.

Not super long after they got married, they took in a teenaged girl from their church. C got busted for having a hidden camera in the bathroom she was using, also for groping her. R got an ankle tattoo and dyed her hair for a while and made lots of proclamations about tests and strength and faith and all this shit.

They, and their church, had to pay that girl a whole shit ton of money for her trouble.

They got a rental house. C put hidden cameras in it, got caught, settled out of court. At any birthday parties for my aunt's kids, my mom has warned me without telling me why for years and years* to stay away from him. At one point he offered to teach me how to drive and my mom got a wild shock of maternal I-will-fuck-your-shit-up across her face and finally told me what that dude's deal was that night.

R has told my aunt in times of trouble that she stays for their kids, because she doesn't want C to teach them to be like him. Because she'd have nothing without his support. Because god doesn't approve of divorce, because because because though she knows the shit he does is wrong, she's been groomed for 20+ years that his behavior is acceptable and any times she's considered leaving him is a weakness and fault of her character.

GROOOOOOOOOOOMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGGG

*because the one time she told me someone was a bad toucher I called him a gross pervert in front of his aging mom and nobody appreciated it. Can't imagine why.

CMGragain · September 2014

ENOUGH, PEOPLE!!!!

You are reading things into Doeyedo's relationship that are pure speculation. Stop it. This is crossing the line.

Fact: Doeyedo's FI is 10 years older than she is. He has some developmental disabilities. He is unable to keep promises he makes to her regarding his behavior when they are not together. Doeyedo knows that she should leave him, but she is reluctant to do this, since it is the only serious relationship she has ever known, and she is very young.

Everything else is pure conjecture, and you need to stop. For shame!

@lyndausvi. if this continues, I think this thread should be closed.

wrigleyville · September 2014

Their ages when they started dating is not conjecture; it's math.

JennyColada · September 2014

wrigleyville said:
Their ages when they started dating is not conjecture; it's math.

But it is conjecture over whether he is a pedophile, a very serious accusation with potential legal ramifications.

bethsmiles · September 2014

I don't see how the age issue is conjecture. As @wrigleyville pointed out, it's math not reading into things. Doeydo provided that information herself and it seems completely relevant to me.

Unless you would have been perfectly fine with your daughter dating a man who was almost 30 when she was still a child I don't think you get to wag your finger and say shame on you to posters who have given their opinion on the situation.

wrigleyville · September 2014

JennyColada said:

Their ages when they started dating is not conjecture; it's math.
But it is conjecture over whether he is a pedophile, a very serious accusation with potential legal ramifications.

*Stuck in the box*

Oh, I agree many other things were assumptions, but cmgr said everything else was pure conjecture. She acknowledged doey's FI is 10 years older than her, but it's like it didn't even matter that doey was a teenager when they started dating.

While I wouldn't go so far as to call him a pedophile, for the reasons you mentioned, it IS really bizarre, weird, and fucked-up for someone in their late twenties/early thirties to date someone who is still in high school and not 18 yet.

hellohkb · September 2014

I am not really sure what to say at this point, but @doeydo I'm sending you positive energy and I hope you figure all this out.

artbyallie · September 2014

chibiyui said:

So like, when I want to read a cheesy ass shoujo manga, I have a weak spot for ones that feature age differences, specifically teacher/student relationships, cause-I-thought-it-was-hot-don't-judge-me.

Anyway.

I get the fantasy of an older man, they're more mature, more stable (usually) charming, sexier, etc. Especially when I was a teen, cause damn my peers were not worth banging. As I've grown older, I realize how much bullshit a lot of that myth is. The power balance between a teenager and a 20 some year old is crazy tilted toward the 20 something. That is not an equal relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great guys out there that end up dating/marrying much younger women, they are the exception. The fact is, if you met your FI when you were (being generous) 16-17 and he was (being generous) 25, there is a world of difference between where the two of you were emotionally, mentally, everything!. Holy shit Doey, you're still growing up! The amount of change I went through from 23 to 25 alone, was huge! Let alone the change from being a teenager to an adult.

Also, let me tell you. your early 20's can be a blast! I really grew a lot, tried new things, made friends and discovered a lot about myself during that time. Don't let it pass you by worrying about whether or not your FI is looking at boobies online and doesn't want to touch yours. Give yourself some space, live a little, and give yourself some options. Don't resign yourself to your current path just cause it's familiar.

@misshart00, I'm sorry I offended you, but all of this ^^ is exactly what I meant. 31+ (because she didn't specify how far into his thirties he is, which does tend to make me think 35 or more, but that is admittedly jumping to conclusions) does not belong with 21 and under. It's just too much difference in terms of brain/life development.

misshart00 · September 2014

artbyallie said:

chibiyui said:

So like, when I want to read a cheesy ass shoujo manga, I have a weak spot for ones that feature age differences, specifically teacher/student relationships, cause-I-thought-it-was-hot-don't-judge-me.

Anyway.

I get the fantasy of an older man, they're more mature, more stable (usually) charming, sexier, etc. Especially when I was a teen, cause damn my peers were not worth banging. As I've grown older, I realize how much bullshit a lot of that myth is. The power balance between a teenager and a 20 some year old is crazy tilted toward the 20 something. That is not an equal relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great guys out there that end up dating/marrying much younger women, they are the exception. The fact is, if you met your FI when you were (being generous) 16-17 and he was (being generous) 25, there is a world of difference between where the two of you were emotionally, mentally, everything!. Holy shit Doey, you're still growing up! The amount of change I went through from 23 to 25 alone, was huge! Let alone the change from being a teenager to an adult.

Also, let me tell you. your early 20's can be a blast! I really grew a lot, tried new things, made friends and discovered a lot about myself during that time. Don't let it pass you by worrying about whether or not your FI is looking at boobies online and doesn't want to touch yours. Give yourself some space, live a little, and give yourself some options. Don't resign yourself to your current path just cause it's familiar.

@misshart00, I'm sorry I offended you, but all of this ^^ is exactly what I meant. 31+ (because she didn't specify how far into his thirties he is, which does tend to make me think 35 or more, but that is admittedly jumping to conclusions) does not belong with 21 and under. It's just too much difference in terms of brain/life development.

So you're saying that my marriage is basically doomed to fail because of my young marriage age and our age difference?

LDay2014 · September 2014

@doeydo‌ you mentioned earlier that you had some misbehavior issues in high school due to some abuse from your dad. Do you think that staying with an older FI who doesn't give you the most in respect and partnership might be the manifestation of your relationship with your dad?

jenna8984 · September 2014

@doeydo

I got my first boyfriend when I was 17. He was 23 so bordering on inappropriate but I wouldn't say that it was. Anyways, for the first year he was amazing and sweet and everything that I'd ever hoped for in a man. He was my first love and I was madly in love, he was my first sexual partner, my first everything and I was so hooked because of that. About a year into the relationship, after I moved in with him, the abuse started. He would tell me that I could no longer see my male friends (who were like brothers to me), I couldn't even go to dinner with my best girl friend because he said we were going out to pick up men. I had never cheated, ever and it was ridiculous. I didn't understand why he was banning these things and not being normal.

It got worse, he would have friends over and tell me to sit up in his bedroom so that I didn't flirt with any of them. Then when the friends asked why I was up in the room he would tell them "She's a bitch, she doesn't like any of you". It got the point where I had to silence my cell phone because if any male called me- even like a group project for school- he would rage about how I was cheating. I never understood any of it but I dealt with it. All of it, I would silence my phone, I would tell male friends not to talk to me. I would just find ways to work around it, and live with it because I thought "I'm so in love, if that's what he wants then that's what I'll do to be with him."

It even turned to him controlling what I ate. I couldn't order chicken fingers at a restaurant because he didn't want me to get fat. Literally when he was at work, I would order dominos buffalo wings, binge eat them until I was sick, then drive somewhere to throw out the containers. He started getting handsy, not in a sexual way, but in a push me/ grab me/ bruise my arm way.

I never had any friends tell me to break up with him.....because I never told anyone. I just acted like everything was so great and wonderful and we were going to get married one day, and he was my first so how could I ever be without him? Then when I graduated community college, and I moved an hour away to the University, I went out to a party with my new roommate. I spent the entire night outside, crying on the phone to him about how I wasn't picking up men and I was sorry that I was out. I told my roommate that I was sorry, and that I'm not "that" girl who normally does that. She looked me dead in the face and said "But you ARE that girl- you might not have been before and might not realize but you are now". I was like holy shit, she's right, how did my life/relationship get like this??

Breaking up with him one the hardest things to do...but that's the thing. It wasn't. It was hard gathering the courage to do it that fateful day at his house. But after that, all the sadness and lonliness that I'd been anticipating was not there. I felt free, I felt relieved, I felt ALIVE and ready to conquer the world ahead of me. I was 22 and I could do anything I wanted in life without this dirtbag. I just hope that you see that one day, that you will not be sad and regretful, you will be happy and triumphant. Please think about my story and know that you can do this.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

LDay2014 said:

@doeydo‌ you mentioned earlier that you had some misbehavior issues in high school due to some abuse from your dad. Do you think that staying with an older FI who doesn't give you the most in respect and partnership might be the manifestation of your relationship with your dad?

Or have you ever had a normal, healthy, functioning relationship to look up to? Have you even seen what they're supposed to look like? I'm being completely serious here. Your dad was a piece of shit, and your parents had a fucked up relationship, you started dating a man who has severe, ehrm, limitations in areas that would make someone good relationship material while you were still a child, impressionable and probably more than a little broken. I know that you say you love each other but I honestly don't feel like you have enough positive, appropriate life experience at this point to know what that means and I think that's why you have such a hard time leaving. Hell, I wasn't abused and I didn't really know what love meant at 21.

LDay2014 · September 2014

I got married at 21 and I had a ton of life experience and a great model of a relationship in my parents. You know what I didn't have? Maturity. I am in no way the same person I was then and I'm a pretty level headed person.

You are going to change so much in the next decade. Believe it or not, at 21 you don't know who you are. And you don't know what you don't know.

Step back, take some time for you and breathe. There are so many mitigating factors at play here and you are so engrained in it all that you can't see the forest for the trees.

You're in a haunted forest, not an enchanted one.

climbingsingle · September 2014

There is a 7 year age difference between myself and my FI. But I'm 33 and he's 40. I've mostly always dated older guys, and I chalked it up to just being more mature - I was on my own with a full time job at 20 years old. So, I don't find it strange or concerning for a 21 year old woman to be dating a man in his 30s. What I do think is concerning, Doey, is if your relationship started while you were a teenager, and this is in fact your first serious relationship.

You are in a very unhealthy situation. Please find yourself a therapist - NOT one that also counsel's your SO.

Hi, Again.

Re: Hi, Again.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards