When I was 19 ...

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

LDay2014 said:

CaitTDid23 said:

When I was 19, I was JUST beginning to return to a normal sleep cycle after almost a year of not sleeping more than an hour a night, and those were the good nights. I stayed as much as possible with my BF because I could actually sleep with him there. I struggled with nightmares, and regularly woke up crying to text the people I cared about to make sure the nightmares I had weren't real.

I imagine this was terrible...but honestly, all I'm thinking is all the productivity that could be achieved!

Oh, yeah, the productivity was great - I used to BEAST MODE some "Impossible Quiz."

Oh, wait... you meant real productivity... yeah, no, not really. I actually was a huge weenie that whole sleepless year, so most of my schoolwork was done during normal-people hours, even though I knew I would have all the night too. If I'd been writing, it would have been great for that, but I wasn't in a place mentally where writing was something that happened. There was one time I spent all night talking to a girl I knew from high school who was considerably younger than me, and my brother called me the next day asking if I'd stopped her from killing herself. I told him I didn't know anything about it. I guess that was a productive night.

levioosa · September 2014

When I was 19 I was a freshman in college and a year into a six year relationship with a boy that was manipulative and controlling. He would get butt hurt if I ate any sweets or chocolate in front of him "because it was unhealthy," and he would get upset if I hung out with my best friend. A TON of immaturity abounded and when it finally ended, I had never felt so free. I was a little upset that I didn't get to experience more in my early twenties and late teens, but life is a learning experience.

I am so eternally grateful I didn't marry him. I'm with someone now who makes me happier than I ever dreamed possible.

And he buys me chocolate.

smalfrie19 · September 2014

When I was 19 I got my first "real job" and moved out of my parents place with my bf of 3 years and I thought we were going to be together forever. I paid all the bills and he just sat on his ass and played video games and essentially ignored my existence. We worked opposite shifts and I pretty much never saw him. I was lonely all the time. He proposed the next year at Christmas and I gave back the ring 2 weeks later and we split. Best decision I ever made.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

When I was 19.. I was a freshman in college and had ended a "serious" two year relationship with my abusive high school sweetheart a few months before. I didn't see him going anywhere (no college no job) so I broke up with him. He took it really bad and stalked me, left broken bracelets, pictures, and angry letters on our front doorstep, and one day he even got into our house (my youngest autistic sister didn't know, and let him in) and pinned me in my bathroom against the wall and threatened me. Yelled, cursed, called me horrible names.

I saw 2 or 3 guys over the next fee months transitioning into college and actually turning 19. I made horrible choices with all of them. One was a drug dealer who, when i broke up with him, raped me in the back storage room of our place of employment. One was the guy who held a knife over me during not sex but play time.. I was not in a good place. I mentally transitioned into college well and loved my roommates, but this was a secret life no one knew about.

In the spring semester of college, everything changed. I met my now DH. He asked permission to kiss me, to touch me. He was a breath of fresh air, and hugged me and cried when I finally had the courage to share with him my past. He was the first one to say I love you. We dated all throughout college and then two years more to allow him to graduate, and we were married 2 months ago. He thinks he needs me, but he has no idea how much I need him to live. We did break up for 4-5 months about 2 years ago. I realized how much I wanted him in my life and I FOUGHT for that man! I lost 15 pounds I was so stressed and upset. He showed up with a bouquet of roses the night of my sorority formal asking if he could be my date and if I'd be his girlfriend again.

And I cannot imagine being happier, truly. He freed my heart from so much pain and is the yin to my yang lol. I just told him two days ago about how happy I am with him and how he makes me laugh when I'm stressed and he makes everything better.

I've never really shared my story all at once, so I'm sorry it's long but thanks for letting me release.

NowIamMrsKlein · September 2014

When I was 19 I was in my last year of College for Acting. Had it in my mind that Acting was going to be my life. I was going to succeed! I was dating a guy from the Stage Technical Program (building the sets etc) who I thought was awesome and super cute so I was hanging on for dear life to a relationship that was doomed to end after graduation. I was also trying desperately to be someone I wasnt. Trying to be cool and edgy and blah blah blah.

Im 28 now. After Graduation I realized very quickly that I had no desire or skill to be an actor. In Prairie Canada. And That I was very tired of trying to be someone I wasnt, although I was still very scared of letting people see who the real me was, I was this stoic, strong, self sufficiant 'I dont need a man to be happy' kind of person. I was also very lonely. Went back to school for Admin/Accounting/Management. Worked for a couple years at a big name oil company and saved all my money to buy a house on my own. I dated but didnt have any sort of serious relationship for years. And then 6 years after graduating from 'Acting School' I met a wonderful man who taught me how to be myself and realize that I am actually kind of awesome. That its ok to be a giant geek, that its ok to be smart and that its ok to be vulnerable. Yea. Going to marry him.

If at 19 someone told me that one day I would sell my house, quit my job and move to another province in northern Canada to be with a man I probably would have laughed in their face. But it was the biggest turning point in my life and I am now able to just be myself with someone I love.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

I was really short because I didn't think anyone would care about my entire life, but reading everyone else's is really interesting.

At 19, I had been with aforementioned loser stoner for two years. I had no future plans and had no intention of marrying him but I didn't care because I loved him and today was all that mattered. I was living at home, working three entry-level jobs and smoking and drinking a lot. My first boyfriend (I'm going to call him P) and I had become really really good friends (he's still the person I'd consider my best friend) and then boyfriend was really jealous. I didn't care - P and I were totally platonic and we had a blast together.

My relationship was getting worse and worse but I was afraid to be alone. He cheated on me and I stayed with him but made rules. He lied to me just for fun and to see if he could get away with it. I really believe he's one of those chronic actually-has-a-disorder liars. But he would stay home while I was out and he'd pick me up drunk from parties at 4:00 am. I loved being the powerful one - I knew he'd never break up with me.

Drunk at a party at P's house, my now H arrived. He had been P's friend since middle school and I had known him since I was 14. He had just broken up with his girlfriend like an hour earlier and kissed me. I let him kiss me once but stopped him after that. I felt terrible and called the boyfriend. In the next few weeks, I realized I didn't give a shit about boyfriend and broke up with him for now H. Well, P didn't like this much (not because he was jealous, but because H and I are both prone to bad relationships and staying in bad relationships and he didn't want to deal with us breaking up and the two years of misery that would precede the breakup). So we were dating secretly for like 6 months. He used to tell me he was infatuated with me because he was afraid to tell me he loved me.

During those six months, I reconnected with a group of friends who were total losers. My friend was pregnant with her third and neglecting her first two. When the baby was born, she made me the unofficial godmother, but he was never baptized. I hated kids but made a point to hold him and collect things for scrapbooks and I wanted to be a part of his life forever. When he was 6 weeks old, she killed him. She still insists she didn't do it, but he was "found" inside a plastic garbage bag. The doctors said he'd been without oxygen for at least 18 minutes and he was braindead. They unplugged him and he died. I was so upset that nothing was done and she was never prosecuted. The state took her two other kids and now they both live with the younger one's grandparents. I haven't spoken to that group since the day after the baby died.

Through that group of friends, I met a pot dealer who was interested in me. H and I weren't "official" yet so I let him take me on a date. He tried to rape me but finally stopped because I was making too much noise.

After H and I had been secretly seeing each other for six months, I got a letter from P. He knew we were together and he didn't want to be friends with us. H broke up with me because of this and I was devastated. I'd just lost a group of close friends, a baby I loved had died, I'd broken up with my BF of two years for this guy and now he was gone. That BF had met a girl online and was moving away to live with her. I felt like I totally fucked up.

A month later H called me and wanted to be with me. We told P we were going to be together and he didn't have to be friends with us. And we weren't, for about three years. We reconnected about four years ago and he's my best friend. H and I have been together ever since.

My mom also quit drinking when I was 19. We had a bad relationship because her drinking really affected me but as soon as she quit, I loved her 100% again. I never held it against her because I was so happy to have my mom back.

With H, for the first time I have plans for the future and someone I wanted to reach goals with and plan more. I never thought about the future until I met H and now I look back on the last seven years and am happy for what we've accomplished and I look at the next 60 years and smile.

emmaaa · September 2014

@Sugargirl1019 You are so strong. I'm glad you found a man like your H.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

Hmm.. the moral of the stories I'm reading... Being 19 sucks and life gets better!!

SmileDamnit · September 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

Hmm.. the moral of the stories I'm reading... Being 19 sucks and life gets better!!

I'd actually tweak that a bit to simply state LIFE GETS BETTER! At least that's how I live:

19 good, bad or ugly? It gets better!

Loved your 20s? It gets better!

30s hard? It gets better!

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

SmileDamnit said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

Hmm.. the moral of the stories I'm reading... Being 19 sucks and life gets better!!

I'd actually tweak that a bit to simply state LIFE GETS BETTER! At least that's how I live:

19 good, bad or ugly? It gets better!
Loved your 20s? It gets better!
30s hard? It gets better!

Totally agree with this. I actually thought 19 was pretty damn great, but I had NO IDEA how much better life would be. 24-28 kind of sucked because I wasn't where I thought I wanted to be, but now that I'm HERE, everything is better than I thought I wanted back then, too.

NowIamMrsKlein · September 2014

lolo883 said:

SmileDamnit said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

Hmm.. the moral of the stories I'm reading... Being 19 sucks and life gets better!!

I'd actually tweak that a bit to simply state LIFE GETS BETTER! At least that's how I live:

19 good, bad or ugly? It gets better!
Loved your 20s? It gets better!
30s hard? It gets better!

Totally agree with this. I actually thought 19 was pretty damn great, but I had NO IDEA how much better life would be. 24-28 kind of sucked because I wasn't where I thought I wanted to be, but now that I'm HERE, everything is better than I thought I wanted back then, too.

Agreed! At 19 i thought for the most part that life was Swell! Its looking back on it that I'm like.. What in the What?!? At 19 If i knew this is where I would be I would have laughed and thought it was stupid and boring. But now I look back on 19 thinking that THAT was stupid and boring. Life just... gets better.

pinklilly122 · September 2014

At 19 I was pretty much a waste of space. I barely graduated HS an had no plans for collage. Smoked massive amounts of pot and drank myself stupid regularly, while working a crap part time job and living with my mom. This was basically my life until I was 22 and got myself together. Even when I finally started collage I never imagined my life where it is now, but I love it. I am proud to say I'm extremely different than when I was 19

CMGragain · September 2014

I was a virgin.

ohannabelle · September 2014

I am seriously loving everyone's stories. There are things up there I would never have imagined, and brave things were said, and wow. What incredible resilience and strength all over the board. I'm impressed.

abbyj700 · September 2014

What an interesting thread!

At 19, I moved 350 miles and a few states away to go to college. I knew I wasn't going back to that tiny town - I just didn't fit.

BUT I was still with the high school not-so-sweetheart. We got engaged that year. It was also the same year he cheated on me with who I believe to be at least one of 3 women he slept with in our time together. I was never strong enough on the inside to believe the rumors and break it off. Our first ever was about cocaine - our last fight ever was about heroin. We broke up when I returned home my freshman year of college. Before I returned to college, and even before I had my 20th birthday - his drug use took control - and he was committing the acts he would later go to prison for.

Luckily my life while 19 was spent far away from the man I used to say I was going to marry. I was meeting new people, being active on campus, starting a new way of life outside of the small town I thrived in but felt trapped in for so many years. I would say that I didn't truly let go of my small town thinking and baggage until 20 - and that's where the adventure really began!

I'm sure at 19 I thought I'd be married by 30. I know I thought I would want to have babies. I'm sure I never wanted to be anyone's step mom. I'm sure I knew I'd be in my desired field for forever. I was really going to be something. Thankfully - I"m something - but something completely different than I ever could have imagined. :-)

ohmrs2014 · September 2014

At 19 I was in my second year of college, working part-time at the campus bookstore during the week after classes and a local museum on the weekends. Lost both my grandparents that year, within 6 months of each other. I also went through the worst breakup. Though we still saw and "dated" each other for the next 3+ years (HS sweetheart). He cheated on me then cheated on his GF with me, a whole mess. She showed up at my doorstep at 9am on a Saturday, luckily my parents were away for the weekend and didn't have to witness that mess LOL.

I had no idea what I wanted to do in life and with everything that was going on, I had a rough year school wise too.

I'm now a completely different person. I don't regret anything that happened, I'm glad my life happened the way it did. I learned so much during that year, especially that I'm stronger than what I thought I was.

steph861 · September 2014

To be perfectly honest, my life now does look a lot like what I hoped it would at 19. At 18? No. But at 19, yes.

I was about 19 when I switched majors in university and decided to pursue a career I was more passionate about. I did a lot of co-op placements in my field, and that just confirmed that I wanted to continue on this path. I now have a really good job in my field.

I was also 19 when I started to get a better sense of what I wanted out of a relationship and a partner, after experiencing what I didn't want. I had this "checklist" in my head of what I wanted in a guy. As corny as it sounds, when I started getting to know FI (I was 20 at the time), I had an "aha" moment where I realized that he was exactly what I was looking for in a partner.

In terms of life events, I'm pretty much where I wanted to be. I always told myself that I wouldn't get married until I was at least 25, and I'll be 27 when we get married in November. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember, and we're ready to TTC as soon as we get married.

My life isn't perfect by any means, but my goals haven't changed much since then. I've certainly matured in many ways and I've now had a lot more life experience (but let's be real, I'm still only 26, so I've still got a long way to go).

ilovecake84 · September 2014

When I was 19, I was in first year university, working towards becoming a dietician. I wanted to solve the childhood obesity epidemic. I had never had a serious boyfriend but was making out with guys at bars all over the place. Still had never slept with anyone though. My parents covered any expenses I had that my summer job funds wouldn't cover. I was living the good life.

10 years later, I now own a bakery (probably contributing to the childhood obesity epidemic...). I own a house with my husband and the building my business is in (on my own!). I was able to travel extensively when I finished uni which I totally think helped to shape who I am today. If I had married one of the randos I made out with at the bar when I was 19, there's no way my life would be as awesome as it is now.

I'm so glad I'm not the same person I was at 19

steph861 · September 2014

pinkcow13 said:

When I was 19 I was in college in upstate, NY. I was was still with FI, and I was still a psychology major with plans to get my PhD or PsyD and become a clinical psychologist. I was immature, having the time of my life, and imagined that FI and I would marry within 5 years, move in after marriage, and have a kid or 2 by the time we were 30. I imagined that after graduation, I would go straight to grad school, job offers would come in, and I would start making tons of money. I imagined us living in a fabulous loft or penthouse in Manhattan.

I did not imagine that my life would turn out the way it did. I think I just looked at the immediate future and jumped straight to the far future, with no in between. I didn't really think about bills, or what would happen once I graduated and hit the real world, with student loans. In some ways I am the same person, but a lot more mature, with more realistic expectations about things and the world.

I just turned 30, have lived on my own for a few years (moved to Brooklyn at one point) before moving in with FI, and becoming engaged. We broke up at one point for nearly 2 years and went through some rough times in the process, but in the end it brought us together and made us stronger. I have a job at a Fortune 500 company (which I don't totally love but I'm trying to get to there), and no kids - which I am SO happy about. We do still live in Manhattan - but definitely NOT in a loft or penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park lol.

I was the opposite way, to a fault. I knew what I wanted and I worried constantly about everything I had to do to get there. All the bills, all the classes, all the interviews, everything. Go figure, I work in strategic planning now.

If there's been one big change in me since I was 19, it's been becoming more comfortable with uncertainty. It's only within the last year or two that I've made most of that progress, too. I fully expect it to be something I deal with and become more comfortable with over the course of my life.

gladyscf · September 2014

When I was 19...

I was newly married because I was pregnant with my second son. I already had a son at 16 whose dad decided he wasn't ready for parenthood two weeks after I had him. Current H adopts first son. I had ignored the fact that H was an alcoholic and controlling. I was a SAHM and he would give me an allowance. He paid all the bills and I had no access to the checkbook other than to write out a check for groceries.

It took me two years to talk him into letting us get a dog. Finally got the dog and he would come home from work and kneel down on the carpet to check for dog hair to see if I vacuumed that day.

Finally got up the courage to leave him and file for divorce. Years later he and my first son got into a huge argument about his drinking and he tried to "un-adopt" him. What a way to make a kid feel.

I'm all about going through the shit to make you who you are in the present but man, if I could have had future me give me a few hints of what was to come...

VulgarGirl · September 2014

Hm, well I had wrapped my junior of college and FI and I had just moved in together. In a 5 bedroom house. With a rotating cast of roommates varying anywhere from 5-9 different people living with us at any one time. It was insane. And fantastic.

I gotta be honest...all my memories of this time are fuzzy. There was painting, drinking, fucking, partying, FI and I had our first threesome together, I decided I wanted to marry her (but didn't propose until a year later and we still aren't married!), and I got my first show in a gallery.

I'm so glad FI and I didn't get married before now. I've always known I wanted to marry her, but we've grown together and it's been fantastic.

Inkdancer · September 2014

At 19, I had just met H and started dating him. We were sophomores in college and everything was pretty awesome. For a while. H's roommate sexually assaulted me that year, starting a horrible downward spiral for both me and H. It was a really, really shit year.

abbyj700 · September 2014

pinkcow13 said:

When I was 19 I was in college in upstate, NY. I was was still with FI, and I was still a psychology major with plans to get my PhD or PsyD and become a clinical psychologist. I was immature, having the time of my life, and imagined that FI and I would marry within 5 years, move in after marriage, and have a kid or 2 by the time we were 30. I imagined that after graduation, I would go straight to grad school, job offers would come in, and I would start making tons of money. I imagined us living in a fabulous loft or penthouse in Manhattan.

I did not imagine that my life would turn out the way it did. I think I just looked at the immediate future and jumped straight to the far future, with no in between. I didn't really think about bills, or what would happen once I graduated and hit the real world, with student loans. In some ways I am the same person, but a lot more mature, with more realistic expectations about things and the world.

I just turned 30, have lived on my own for a few years (moved to Brooklyn at one point) before moving in with FI, and becoming engaged. We broke up at one point for nearly 2 years and went through some rough times in the process, but in the end it brought us together and made us stronger. I have a job at a Fortune 500 company (which I don't totally love but I'm trying to get to there), and no kids - which I am SO happy about. We do still live in Manhattan - but definitely NOT in a loft or penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park lol.

I love this. I did the same - didn't think about forever - thought about happiness, and learning and diving in and just BEING. The checklists and goals and pressure, ugh, no thanks! Plenty of people live lovely and successful lives DOING rather than planning!

Love your style lady!

steph861 · September 2014

Inkdancer said:

At 19, I had just met H and started dating him. We were sophomores in college and everything was pretty awesome. For a while. H's roommate sexually assaulted me that year, starting a horrible downward spiral for both me and H. It was a really, really shit year.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Inkdancer said:

At 19, I had just met H and started dating him. We were sophomores in college and everything was pretty awesome. For a while. H's roommate sexually assaulted me that year, starting a horrible downward spiral for both me and H. It was a really, really shit year.

(((hugs)))

esstee33 · September 2014

I want to hug everyone in this thread so hard.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

esstee33 said:

I want to hug everyone in this thread so hard.

It makes me sick how many Knotties were sexually assaulted or experienced domestic abuse just in this ONE year of our lives.

PennyBlossom2311 · September 2014

I was a freshman in college and was living away from home for the first time. Needless to say it was a whirlwind of parties and danging all night followed by dragging myself to class and repeating the process the next night. I would never, never, never picture myself where I am now. A few beers in now pretty much cements the fact I'll have a brutal hangover and I certainly cannot function without 8 hours of sleep. lol I've married a wonderful man that, at 19, would have been to conservative and structured for me to even think about dating. Now, I love reading and spending Saturday nights BBQ-ing with friends and going to the zoo with my friends' kids. It's funny how much we change and how priorities shift. It's been a change for the best and I wouldn't take it any other way though.

sophhabobopha · September 2014

So I'm 19 right now.

And I'm in my thirdish year of college, Fi and I live in a dumpy apartment, I work fulltime and I'm really into books and sims 3.

lovesclimbing · September 2014

Sophomore and jr. year of college. Dating and then engaged to H. Worked the summer at a tourist trap. Nothing too exciting (except getting engaged!)

When I was 19 ...

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