Snarky Brides

What To Say and What NOT to Say to a Young(er) Bride: A Guide

135

Re: What To Say and What NOT to Say to a Young(er) Bride: A Guide

  • For what it's worth, this was meant to be humorous. It wasn't meant to be taken -too- seriously. Most of the comments I've gotten have been from strangers who only know my age and that I'm engaged. I'm genuinely appalled at some of these comments and feel like some of the responses are just as immature as what you're accusing me of. I usually give a much more tactful, thought-out response than this. So, do with that what you will. 
    Huh. I guess comedy writing isn't your thing, because it doesn't come across as funny.

    You did notice you were posting on the Snarky board, I hope?
    Check it out. This is what it says at the top of the board: Brides Beware: These Knotties have opinions and aren't afraid to share them. Get ready for some real, honest feedback! (Leave your sensitivity at the door)

    Where are the funny parts? Because I reread, this time going beyond the "I've lived eons more" business. And I like funny. But just can't find it.

    That is what I will. Yes.


    ashley8918KatieinBklnslothiegal
  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    FI and I were engaged at 20. Only a few people made comments about us being young. Mostly just hey don't rush be sure about this marriage should be forever.

    I'm very glad we didn't get married when we were that young. We grew up together. We experienced life together. And now we're really ready for forever.

    I went through a lot at a young age. That didn't make me ready for marriage.

    My parents got married at 19. Divorced at 22/23. They're both awesome people. That never should have gotten married to each other.
  • AddieCake said:
    I'm trying to compare the "living" I did in high school with the "living" I've done in the 20 years since, and......nope. Just nope.

    Exactly this.

    The thing is... you just don't know until you know. 

    And in the cases where you may have possibly lived a bit more than your peers (not something you'd ever know on a message board or blog follower list), you'd never say such a thing. You'd be so much wiser than that.

    steph861[Deleted User]
  • I had written a long post on my life, my nieces and my FSD's marriages.  But I deleted it.  The only thing I can think of is:

    You are an adult; but you ain't grown.


    Happiness is an inside job
    ohannabellevegasbride2015theartistformerlyknownasKatWAG
  • steph861 said:

    @themosthappy91‌ Your post made me love you, so I have to ask: is your sn a reference to Anne Boleyn? I will love you even more if it is.

    ETA: Getting back to the topic at hand, OP, if you have to tell people that you're mature, you're probably not as mature as you think you are. That goes for lots of things, really. If you have to try to convince people that you possess a certain quality, then you probably don't possess it. Let your actions speak for you.

    YES! I get unreasonably excited when other people on here get the reference. Love it!
    steph861manillabarraissyraisFran1985
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Blugh I was excited to read this because I too get surprised at how comfortable people are being really judge-y and invasive about getting married at my age (23) but this is sort of silly and definitely more than a little bit rude.  


    This is a nasty phenomenon I see a lot among friends my age, now that we're just graduating college and seeing the first real wave of a lot of us getting married- the two camps (married and not-married) paint each other so ridiculously, and it's always the exact same stupid stereotype.  The not-married people are like "Well I am going to take the time to live my life for me- see the world, focus on my career ambitions, have fun and figure this whole 'life' thing out!  That is clearly the much superior option."  The married people are like "I don't feel the need to sleep around and party for the next five years of my life, what a waste of time.  I'm better than all these poor single people who have to try to fill their loneliness with such shallow pursuits."  And you know what?  Both sides are SO DUMB.  You can travel, work on yourself and your career, party and go out- all with or without a spouse or significant other.    

    The reality is, yes you are going to be a way different person at 30 than you are at 20, so a lot of people would rather not make that kind of commitment at this juncture.  You're also going to be a way different person at 40 than 30, or 50 as opposed to 40, so to me I see it all as a risk.  To me, getting married is just kind of about reaching that point where you feel confident that yeah, at some point in the future both you and your SO are probably going to be different people than you are today, but you think you can roll with that.  No one- whether they're getting married at 23 or 43- can ever know for sure, and you just have to hope you're one of the ones who can make it work.  

      
    Great post. For the record, I loathe people who assumed they were superior to me because they "settled down" after college and assumed I was off partying and sleeping around. I wasn't. Believe it or not, you can be 27, single, and not a whore.
    I just got married at 31. My husband had married and divorced his college sweetheart by age 26. I'd estimate half of people I know that married their college sweetheart are divorced.
    You have a 50-50 shot, sweetie. I wish you luck.
    ________________________________


    plainjane0415yogablossom
  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    @themosthappy91‌ Your post made me love you, so I have to ask: is your sn a reference to Anne Boleyn? I will love you even more if it is. ETA: Getting back to the topic at hand, OP, if you have to tell people that you're mature, you're probably not as mature as you think you are. That goes for lots of things, really. If you have to try to convince people that you possess a certain quality, then you probably don't possess it. Let your actions speak for you.
    YES! I get unreasonably excited when other people on here get the reference. Love it!

    I am totally into Tudor history too and approve of the screenname, but I must admit that Anne Boleyn might not be my first choice for an example of a happy marriage/user name for a wedding website, lol. She is fascinating, but I can't say I hope my marriage ends up like hers...

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Blugh I was excited to read this because I too get surprised at how comfortable people are being really judge-y and invasive about getting married at my age (23) but this is sort of silly and definitely more than a little bit rude.  

    This is a nasty phenomenon I see a lot among friends my age, now that we're just graduating college and seeing the first real wave of a lot of us getting married- the two camps (married and not-married) paint each other so ridiculously, and it's always the exact same stupid stereotype.  The not-married people are like "Well I am going to take the time to live my life for me- see the world, focus on my career ambitions, have fun and figure this whole 'life' thing out!  That is clearly the much superior option."  The married people are like "I don't feel the need to sleep around and party for the next five years of my life, what a waste of time.  I'm better than all these poor single people who have to try to fill their loneliness with such shallow pursuits."  And you know what?  Both sides are SO DUMB.  You can travel, work on yourself and your career, party and go out- all with or without a spouse or significant other.    

    The reality is, yes you are going to be a way different person at 30 than you are at 20, so a lot of people would rather not make that kind of commitment at this juncture.  You're also going to be a way different person at 40 than 30, or 50 as opposed to 40, so to me I see it all as a risk.  To me, getting married is just kind of about reaching that point where you feel confident that yeah, at some point in the future both you and your SO are probably going to be different people than you are today, but you think you can roll with that.  No one- whether they're getting married at 23 or 43- can ever know for sure, and you just have to hope you're one of the ones who can make it work.  

      
    Great post. For the record, I loathe people who assumed they were superior to me because they "settled down" after college and assumed I was off partying and sleeping around. I wasn't. Believe it or not, you can be 27, single, and not a whore. I just got married at 31. My husband had married and divorced his college sweetheart by age 26. I'd estimate half of people I know that married their college sweetheart are divorced. You have a 50-50 shot, sweetie. I wish you luck.
    Seriously? Are we slut shaming now?

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    chibiyui said:



    Blugh I was excited to read this because I too get surprised at how comfortable people are being really judge-y and invasive about getting married at my age (23) but this is sort of silly and definitely more than a little bit rude.  

    This is a nasty phenomenon I see a lot among friends my age, now that we're just graduating college and seeing the first real wave of a lot of us getting married- the two camps (married and not-married) paint each other so ridiculously, and it's always the exact same stupid stereotype.  The not-married people are like "Well I am going to take the time to live my life for me- see the world, focus on my career ambitions, have fun and figure this whole 'life' thing out!  That is clearly the much superior option."  The married people are like "I don't feel the need to sleep around and party for the next five years of my life, what a waste of time.  I'm better than all these poor single people who have to try to fill their loneliness with such shallow pursuits."  And you know what?  Both sides are SO DUMB.  You can travel, work on yourself and your career, party and go out- all with or without a spouse or significant other.    

    The reality is, yes you are going to be a way different person at 30 than you are at 20, so a lot of people would rather not make that kind of commitment at this juncture.  You're also going to be a way different person at 40 than 30, or 50 as opposed to 40, so to me I see it all as a risk.  To me, getting married is just kind of about reaching that point where you feel confident that yeah, at some point in the future both you and your SO are probably going to be different people than you are today, but you think you can roll with that.  No one- whether they're getting married at 23 or 43- can ever know for sure, and you just have to hope you're one of the ones who can make it work.  

      
    Great post. For the record, I loathe people who assumed they were superior to me because they "settled down" after college and assumed I was off partying and sleeping around. I wasn't. Believe it or not, you can be 27, single, and not a whore.
    I just got married at 31. My husband had married and divorced his college sweetheart by age 26. I'd estimate half of people I know that married their college sweetheart are divorced.
    You have a 50-50 shot, sweetie. I wish you luck.

    Seriously? Are we slut shaming now?



    Srsly. Whores are good people. Ain't nothing wrong whoring around before settling down, no whoring around, or whoring around after settling down if that's what you and your partner is in to.

    Signed.
    A whore.

    Seriously? No. I wasn't slut shaming. My number isn't exactly low. I was responding to the stereotype that either one is a prim married woman or Samantha Jones if she doesn't settle down at 22. There's a spectrum of behavior and I never appreciated the stereotypes.
    ________________________________


    cupcait927
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers

    chibiyui said:



    Blugh I was excited to read this because I too get surprised at how comfortable people are being really judge-y and invasive about getting married at my age (23) but this is sort of silly and definitely more than a little bit rude.  

    This is a nasty phenomenon I see a lot among friends my age, now that we're just graduating college and seeing the first real wave of a lot of us getting married- the two camps (married and not-married) paint each other so ridiculously, and it's always the exact same stupid stereotype.  The not-married people are like "Well I am going to take the time to live my life for me- see the world, focus on my career ambitions, have fun and figure this whole 'life' thing out!  That is clearly the much superior option."  The married people are like "I don't feel the need to sleep around and party for the next five years of my life, what a waste of time.  I'm better than all these poor single people who have to try to fill their loneliness with such shallow pursuits."  And you know what?  Both sides are SO DUMB.  You can travel, work on yourself and your career, party and go out- all with or without a spouse or significant other.    

    The reality is, yes you are going to be a way different person at 30 than you are at 20, so a lot of people would rather not make that kind of commitment at this juncture.  You're also going to be a way different person at 40 than 30, or 50 as opposed to 40, so to me I see it all as a risk.  To me, getting married is just kind of about reaching that point where you feel confident that yeah, at some point in the future both you and your SO are probably going to be different people than you are today, but you think you can roll with that.  No one- whether they're getting married at 23 or 43- can ever know for sure, and you just have to hope you're one of the ones who can make it work.  

      
    Great post. For the record, I loathe people who assumed they were superior to me because they "settled down" after college and assumed I was off partying and sleeping around. I wasn't. Believe it or not, you can be 27, single, and not a whore.
    I just got married at 31. My husband had married and divorced his college sweetheart by age 26. I'd estimate half of people I know that married their college sweetheart are divorced.
    You have a 50-50 shot, sweetie. I wish you luck.

    Seriously? Are we slut shaming now?

    Srsly. Whores are good people. Ain't nothing wrong whoring around before settling down, no whoring around, or whoring around after settling down if that's what you and your partner is in to.

    Signed.
    A whore.

    Seriously? No. I wasn't slut shaming. My number isn't exactly low. I was responding to the stereotype that either one is a prim married woman or Samantha Jones if she doesn't settle down at 22. There's a spectrum of behavior and I never appreciated the stereotypes.

    It's cool. I didn't really notice the your either married young or a whore thing going on in the thread, so it didn't occur to me you were just pointing out that it's possible to not be a stereotype. My bad.
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    Anniversary
  • amelisha said:



    steph861 said:

    @themosthappy91‌ Your post made me love you, so I have to ask: is your sn a reference to Anne Boleyn? I will love you even more if it is.

    ETA: Getting back to the topic at hand, OP, if you have to tell people that you're mature, you're probably not as mature as you think you are. That goes for lots of things, really. If you have to try to convince people that you possess a certain quality, then you probably don't possess it. Let your actions speak for you.

    YES! I get unreasonably excited when other people on here get the reference. Love it!


    I am totally into Tudor history too and approve of the screenname, but I must admit that Anne Boleyn might not be my first choice for an example of a happy marriage/user name for a wedding website, lol. She is fascinating, but I can't say I hope my marriage ends up like hers...

    Ha! I'm weirdly loyal to Anne Boleyn, so I fully approve of any and all references to her. There's a funny story about that from when FI and I were courting but not dating. You could say she played a part in bringing us together.
    image



    themosthappy91
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Blugh I was excited to read this because I too get surprised at how comfortable people are being really judge-y and invasive about getting married at my age (23) but this is sort of silly and definitely more than a little bit rude.  

    This is a nasty phenomenon I see a lot among friends my age, now that we're just graduating college and seeing the first real wave of a lot of us getting married- the two camps (married and not-married) paint each other so ridiculously, and it's always the exact same stupid stereotype.  The not-married people are like "Well I am going to take the time to live my life for me- see the world, focus on my career ambitions, have fun and figure this whole 'life' thing out!  That is clearly the much superior option."  The married people are like "I don't feel the need to sleep around and party for the next five years of my life, what a waste of time.  I'm better than all these poor single people who have to try to fill their loneliness with such shallow pursuits."  And you know what?  Both sides are SO DUMB.  You can travel, work on yourself and your career, party and go out- all with or without a spouse or significant other.    

    The reality is, yes you are going to be a way different person at 30 than you are at 20, so a lot of people would rather not make that kind of commitment at this juncture.  You're also going to be a way different person at 40 than 30, or 50 as opposed to 40, so to me I see it all as a risk.  To me, getting married is just kind of about reaching that point where you feel confident that yeah, at some point in the future both you and your SO are probably going to be different people than you are today, but you think you can roll with that.  No one- whether they're getting married at 23 or 43- can ever know for sure, and you just have to hope you're one of the ones who can make it work.  

      
    Great post. For the record, I loathe people who assumed they were superior to me because they "settled down" after college and assumed I was off partying and sleeping around. I wasn't. Believe it or not, you can be 27, single, and not a whore. I just got married at 31. My husband had married and divorced his college sweetheart by age 26. I'd estimate half of people I know that married their college sweetheart are divorced. You have a 50-50 shot, sweetie. I wish you luck.
    Seriously? Are we slut shaming now?

    Srsly. Whores are good people. Ain't nothing wrong whoring around before settling down, no whoring around, or whoring around after settling down if that's what you and your partner is in to. Signed. A whore.
    Seriously? No. I wasn't slut shaming. My number isn't exactly low. I was responding to the stereotype that either one is a prim married woman or Samantha Jones if she doesn't settle down at 22. There's a spectrum of behavior and I never appreciated the stereotypes.
    It sounded judgy to me, like there is something wrong with sleeping around.  Whore has negative connotations. 
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  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    edited October 2014
    Sorry OP, you went in the wrong direction by posting this. Instead of coming off as a mature 22 year old, you sound like a child who just wants her way. That's okay, we all do that and have done that at times, but it's probably not best when discussing your future marriage.

    FWIW, I'm almost 24 (my birthday is in 10 days, yayyy!) and FI is 23. We got engaged when I was 23 and he was 22. Not a single person made these comments to us. Everyone basically said, "It's about time!" You know why? Because FI and I have made our lives together up to this point and people have noticed that.

    We started dating when we were 17 and have known each other since we were 5 and have been best friends ever since. We've lived together for over 2 years and been engaged almost 1 year. FI is the only person I have ever slept with, I don't regret that. 

    When we graduated high school, we got comments about needing to live a little and sow our wild oats. Well you know what, we didn't want to do any of that alone. Let me tell you, FI and I have lived a lot. We have gone out to parties, gotten drunk, and came back home to have drunken sex, it was just with each other. We couldn't imagine experiencing those things in life with someone else. 

    FI and I also realize that we will inevitably change. We have in the time since we started dating until now and obviously will the rest of our lives. You aren't them same person you were at 16 that you will be at 25 or 45 or 75. Shit happens. But it is important that you understand you have to grow and change together. That is something that I can say I am most proud about for FI and I, we have grown up together and in that time changed and accepted each other for those changes and have come to love the those qualities. 


    ashley8918holyguacamole79doeydoNegativity
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MegEn1 said:
    I've reread this thing a couple of times and I'm pretttty sure it could have been snatched from the pages of my high school LiveJournal account.

    SITB OH MY GOD. I found my livejournal from high school two years ago. It. was. so. bad. The shame waves were so strong I could not get to that delete button fast enough.

    I actually loved this post because I am going to use "Mentally and emotionally I've lived eons longer than you" the next time my boss insists that he outranks me. It has just surpassed "I thought this was a supportive place for brides" as my favorite knot phrase. That is a huge achievement.
    OH MY FUCKING GOD. NO. WHY DID I LOOK?

    Finding mine has got to be the worst thing that has happened to me in the recent past. SO AWFUL.
    esstee33levioosasteph861Fran1985
  • All I can think is that I'm far more convinced by my 3 year old nephew's tantrums that he should absolutely get another marshmallow because "BUT I NEEEEEEEEEED IT, LOLO!" than I am by your foot-stomping insistence of your own maturity.

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    novella1186esstee33beetheryrajahmd
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    I also got married rather young, and get annoyed at the exact same comments you posted. However, my agreement with you stops at the bolded. Your reasoning on each one sounds extremely defensive and immature.

    Also, you shouldn't be getting very many of these comments. My friends and relatives don't say such things to me. Also, strangers didn't until they found out my age. 

    If you truly are mature enough to get married, your family and friends won't be saying such things because they'll know you are prepared. As for strangers, just ignore them.

    Negativitynicole4793


  • I'm in my early 20s and the only people who have ever made comments were complete strangers (both in a bar setting) that felt the need to ask "Oh wow, are you sure you want to do that?" To which I replied, "Yup" and changed the subject.

    My friends and family have never made a comment about concerns over the age we are getting married. I've been with my FI for 8 years and they know us well enough to respect the choice we are making (the majority of responses were actually along the lines of "Finally" or "It's about time!"

    That being said, based on my relationship with my family, if somebody did comment, I would give it some thought as I know they are only looking out for my best interest and that at least some facet of their concerns may be valid.
    theartistformerlyknownasnicole4793
  • For my own mental sanity and faith in humanity, I'm pretending that OP was intended as a (poorly written) satire; like, "Oh, I'm young but I've lived eons haha guys, this is what young brides say, haha" The alternative is just too disheartening to consider.
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    [Deleted User]
  • This post reminds me of people I knew in high school who would constantly feel the need to state labels for themselves. "I'm SUCH a nerd!" "Oh, I'm such a tomboy! I'm so different from all those girly girls" etc etc. I agree with another PP on here that if you have to reiterate to people that you ARE something, rather than letting your actions speak for themselves, it probably means that you AREN'T that thing. It also shows how insecure you are to constantly have to justify/point out who you are.

    ____________________________________________________________________________________


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    slothiegalsouthernbelle0915
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This post reminds me of people I knew in high school who would constantly feel the need to state labels for themselves. "I'm SUCH a nerd!" "Oh, I'm such a tomboy! I'm so different from all those girly girls" etc etc. I agree with another PP on here that if you have to reiterate to people that you ARE something, rather than letting your actions speak for themselves, it probably means that you AREN'T that thing. It also shows how insecure you are to constantly have to justify/point out who you are.
    Word. This former friend of mine is constantly insisting on how classy she is. Uh. If you have to keep saying you're classy, you're NOT. 

  • This post reminds me of people I knew in high school who would constantly feel the need to state labels for themselves. "I'm SUCH a nerd!" "Oh, I'm such a tomboy! I'm so different from all those girly girls" etc etc. I agree with another PP on here that if you have to reiterate to people that you ARE something, rather than letting your actions speak for themselves, it probably means that you AREN'T that thing. It also shows how insecure you are to constantly have to justify/point out who you are.
    1 millionX this.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • I was a mature person in my early 20s.  I was also proposed to by my then bf (now ex, obviously).  I had the sense to say no (there were several reasons why he wasn't right for me, I am just glad I didn't say yes!).  If I hadn't, I know for certain we'd be divorced right now, or we'd be in an unhappy marriage.  I am definitely not the same person I was back then. This is definitely not to say all people who get married in their early 20s get divorced or have bad marriages. This is hardly the case. 

    But I want to point out that no matter how mature I was back then, I am NOT the person I was when I was 22...and I am now only 27 (good lord 30 is so near!).  Since then, I've learned so much more about myself, what I want for my life, how I will and wont be treated by romantic partners, and I've even had the chance to meet and soon marry my fiance!
  • nicole4793nicole4793 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited October 2014
    I was excited to read this because it was by a young bride, but I'm a little bit disappointed. I got engaged last Christmas Eve at 20, and I'm getting married next October at 22. Not a single time has anyone told me that I'm too young or asked if I was pregnant. People are just happy that I want to graduate college first before I get married. FI and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 16, but we have grown and changed so much, which has been amazing.

    As far as age goes, it's so easy to chat with the brides on this site and bounce ideas off of each other without anyone judging by age. I think people's commentary on your relationship have a lot to do with the way you act and the things that you say.

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    psiloveyouu[Deleted User]bumbletiger88novella1186
  • MusicSoul24MusicSoul24 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
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