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Wedding Party
alyssanicole18
member
What to do about bridesmaid..
So one of my bridesmaids is a friend I've had since high school. We've remained close after all these years. Recently she just started disappearing off the face of the planet. She isn't responded to texts (I believe her phone is off) and when I fianlly do get ahold of her she just gives me weird stories about why her phone isn't working. We're going to look at bridesmaid dresses in two weeks and I asked her what her schedule was like so we could plan which day would work best with everyone. It took her over a week to respond and she basically said she quit her job and didn't care and gave me someone's number to "get in touch" with her "if" I needed her. She's known about us going shopping that week for 5 months, so it's not a sudden thing. I just don't know how to go about talking to her. If she doesn't want to be in the wedding she won't hurt my feelings in any way. I'm not gonna ask someone else to take her spot because that's rude. I'm just concerned with her dropping out like a day before the wedding (she did this to one of her other friends, so she claims). I don't wanna hurt her feelings or imply anything. But I feel like for one She can't afford the dress at this time, considering she is job and phone less.
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Re: What to do about bridesmaid..
Take your wedding out of the equation. Your friend has just lost her job and her phone has been shut off. Her life is probably spiraling out of control on her and you are worried about her purchasing a dress. Reach out to your friend again and see what you can do to help her.
When is your wedding? Can you put off purchasing BM dresses until she can get back on her feet? Perhaps go an alternate route on dresses and giving all your girls parameters to get their own dresses. If you select a black dress, it may be something she already has in her closet.
If the worse happens and she just doesn't show up to your wedding (without a justifiable reason), you just move on. You will still marry your Best Friends that day! It will also show you that she doesn't value your friendship as much as you do. So you just move on in your life without her.
Take your wedding out of the equation. Your friend has just lost her job and her phone has been shut off. Her life is probably spiraling out of control on her and you are worried about her purchasing a dress. Reach out to your friend again and see what you can do to help her.
When is your wedding? Can you put off purchasing BM dresses until she can get back on her feet? Perhaps go an alternate route on dresses and giving all your girls parameters to get their own dresses. If you select a black dress, it may be something she already has in her closet.
If the worse happens and she just doesn't show up to your wedding (without a justifiable reason), you just move on. You will still marry your Best Friends that day! It will also show you that she doesn't value your friendship as much as you do. So you just move on in your life without her.
She didn't lose her job she quit, so she can spend more time with her bf. That's an entire situation that boggles my mind, but it's her life so I don't pass judgement. The phone issue is constant with her, she is one of those who has a new number every few months. So this isn't something she's not used to, it's normal for her. Regardless of how she choses to live her life, she's still someone who has been there for me. I asked her the first time I reached out to her about a month ago if everything was ok and if she needed anything and she read it and never replied.
My wedding is in May so yss there's time. But one of my BMs, actually my MOH lives in Florida and they don't have an Alfred Angelo. That's why I discussed it with my BMs months ago to make sure she came at a good time for everyone. Everyone agreed and no one had issues. Yes things can come up and that's fine I undestand, but atleast say something. at that time we decided on a price limit and etc so that everyone was comfortable. We had talked about everyone doing different dresses as long as it was same color, and fabric. But I have quite a few girls that now want the same dress and at this point if they all like it then we're gonna settle on one dress.
I'm just more worried about paying for things for her and her not showing up. Money is tight for me just as much, and I'm using the money I do have to pay for everything besides their dresses. I just want her to be straight up and I won't have hard feelings.
I really don't get what there is to do or what your question is. You knew all of these things about her and asked her anyway. So, you find out her budget for a dress. If she shows up dress shopping, great. If she doesn't, then everyone else picks out a dress making sure it's in her budget. Then you tell her which dress they all picked and give her details on how to order it. If she buys the dress and shows up at your wedding, great. If she flakes out the day before, then so be it - you already said you don't plan on replacing her so other than being a minor disappointment and maybe a quick last minute shuffling of the processional and recessional it's not that big of a deal. And even though money is tight, you were planning on her being there and presumably worked that into your budget so the money is technically there - it's the risk you take when you ask a friend you know is a flake to be in your wedding. Keep your receipts and return as much as you can if it ends up going unused because she flakes out.
That's pretty much all you can do. You knew what you were getting and you asked anyway. You can't unask.
I guess I'll just go as if she's not in the wedding at this point. I can't make the other bridesmaids change their plans, etc off one person. If she decides at a later date she wants involved she can go buy a dress.
Doesn't work that way. You knew her tendencies long before you asked her to be a bridesmaid. Should've thought of that before.
It sounds like now you're frustrated because, despite her flaky personality, you asked her to be a BM and she continued to be flaky. If you kick her out, it will end your friendship, so consider that while you think about what to do.
Personally, I would do nothing. Tell her when shopping/fitting is and if she doesn't show up, then tell her what dress was decided on and that she needs to order it. If she doesn't, then she takes herself out of the wedding. Presumably though, you would get her budget ahead of time and the dress should be under that budget.
Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.
I feel like my point is kind of clear, but maybe it isn't and I apologize. For one, if she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to tell me she can't afford the dress, I don't know that unless she says something. I know she has money saved, because she told me about a month ago she was thinking of quitting her job to spend time with the BF and she'd be fine on bills.
I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.
Honestly, all of your posts at this point make it sound more like you're upset that she isn't falling all over herself for your wedding and dress shopping since she's not being as communicative as you would like. But a) not everyone will be falling all over themselves, and b) you already said this is par for the course for her, which you claim not to care about or judge...unless of course it might interfere with her buying a dress for your wedding.
I agree with these PP's. I think you are making things more complicated than they really are.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.
But you said that she is always hard to get a hold of because of her phone issues. You said that it took her a week to respond to you but she did respond and told you that she didn't care when the dress shopping took place. I don't see how she is avoiding you. It sounds like she is still acting like she has always acted. So no I don't see your problem.
I didn't know it was common practice to not talk to your friends or your bridal party aside from giving them a time and place to be. Guess Ive had the one idea all these years. Thank you!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
In real life, no one is going to care as much as you do. It's dress shopping. For you, it's super squishy OMG these are the dresses my friends are going to wear when I get married SQUEE! For them, it's a dress and not that different from any other shopping trip. I hate dress shopping - they either fit my bust but not my hips or my hips but not my bust. And they are pretty much just trying to please you and don't care nearly as much as you may think. It's just not that exciting and a wee bit frustrating. Will there be some women who are "Super squishy squee!" over it? Sure, but there's just as many if not a substantial number more who are happy for you for a few moments and then just keep on living their lives until you interrupt them with the next piece (dress shopping date and time, dress rehearsal date and time, wedding date and time). And really, that's all that's required. Buy attire, show up sober, walk down an aisle. All the rest is just gravy and if it happens, then great! But if it doesn't happen, it's not a reason to contemplate kicking them out or have discussions about whether they want to drop out.