Where are my child-free by choice ladies?

larrygaga · November 2014

I guess I'm kind of in this group.

I want them but for all the wrong reasons, so I won't be having them unless I can come up with a good reason.

*someone to care for me when I'm old*

*i wanna see what FI and I would look like if our genes meshed*

*playing dress up doll with a baby is not appropriate*

*i am not allowed to go and party all the time with a baby*

decembergrl2014 · November 2014

I'm 37 and FI is 38. I don't see us having kids. At first I had a hard time with it, but I'm okay with it now. He has 3 kids from his previous marriage, and I've come to enjoy being the stepmom. I'm "mommy" to my dog, Lady. Im also a teacher so I have plenty of kids on my life.

mrscomposer · November 2014

I was always planning on having kids, but as I got older and figured out what life was like with a steady income and freedom, I started to slowly move away from it. J is the same way - and by the time we got together, he was solidly in the no-kids camp and I was very easily swayed to be there, too. If he had wanted kids, I probably could have been persuaded again, but it just finished making up my mind. We ARE waiting a few years before we do anything permanent, but it'll likely happen.

I'm with the PP's - I like the abstract idea of having kids, just not the actual, nitty-gritty of it. I love kids, and I'm REALLY looking forward to being a kick-ass aunt. And that's just fine. Thankfully our parents agree that we can make our own choices with our own reproductive organs.

KytchynWitche · November 2014

We're child-free by choice too.

I'm not particularly good with children. I'm VERY not good with bodily emissions. I have genetic issues that pretty much guarantee any podlings I pop would be screwed, and I LIKE not having to become a lion-taming contortionist and strong-man every time I want to go to the store. And financially we just aren't in a place to support a child. I am having a really hard time finding work, and DH and I are just barely making ends meet.

DH doesn't particularly want children either, though I know he would be an amazing dad. We've agreed that if we are ever in a situation of financial stability such that we have significantly (and I do mean significantly) more money than we would need to raise a child, then we may consider the possibility of adoption, but that seems very unlikely.

porkchops926 · November 2014

amelisha said:

My fiance would love to have kids, but we're both too, uh, financially responsible (see: cheap) to do it unless he's making a ton more money. I refuse to leave my job for however long (or pay for exorbitant daycare) unless we can live very comfortably on the one income. I don't want to have to struggle or give up vacations etc. to have kids. So we're definitely staying childfree unless his salary doubles before I hit, say, 32. And unless we move somewhere with enough space for an au pair or something.

I'm also terrified of childbirth and the effects of pregnancy...I really, really don't want those changes to my body. Fiance laughs it off a bit, but he's not the one who has to go through it. I've also told him that I'm not having babies unless he can afford to pay for the cosmetic surgery to put everything back where it was before.

I'm honestly not a princess...like, we live pretty simply and are big savers, and I'm not vain either (I just hate my body enough as it is that I can't imagine dealing with it if it's even worse...not to mention the possibilities of stuff like tearing and abs splitting.) I just really like our life the way it is and I've never really felt compelled to have kids of my own.

My mom runs a dayhome and I've been a nanny overseas twice, and I know what it's like to have kids in your life. I don't want it. I like kids, but other people's are fine.

OMG I am so happy someone else said this. I thought I was the only one who didn't think pregnancy was "exciting and feels so natural"

Screw that.

raissyrais · November 2014

porkchops926 said:

amelisha said:
I'm also terrified of childbirth and the effects of pregnancy...I really, really don't want those changes to my body. Fiance laughs it off a bit, but he's not the one who has to go through it. I've also told him that I'm not having babies unless he can afford to pay for the cosmetic surgery to put everything back where it was before.

OMG I am so happy someone else said this. I thought I was the only one who didn't think pregnancy was "exciting and feels so natural"

Screw that.

I'm there with you too girls. It's not the main reason why I don't want kids I mean, I love my freedom, my money, the undivided attention of my FI, my sleep, my leisure etc etc. But I adore my slim body and flat stomach and I would like to stay that way thank you! Also, ahem, I don't want my vajayjay to become splattered smoked meat hihihihhihihi

doeydo · November 2014

I shouldn't get pregnant because of my back issues, but yeah, pregnancy and childbirth would be absolutely horrible.

climbingsingle · November 2014

raissyrais said:

porkchops926 said:

amelisha said:
I'm also terrified of childbirth and the effects of pregnancy...I really, really don't want those changes to my body. Fiance laughs it off a bit, but he's not the one who has to go through it. I've also told him that I'm not having babies unless he can afford to pay for the cosmetic surgery to put everything back where it was before.

OMG I am so happy someone else said this. I thought I was the only one who didn't think pregnancy was "exciting and feels so natural"

Screw that.

I'm there with you too girls. It's not the main reason why I don't want kids I mean, I love my freedom, my money, the undivided attention of my FI, my sleep, my leisure etc etc. But I adore my slim body and flat stomach and I would like to stay that way thank you! Also, ahem, I don't want my vajayjay to become splattered smoked meat hihihihhihihi

I know my body. It would NEVER come back from a pregnancy. I would never be one of those women that could have my body back without surgery. The idea of carrying a baby and birthing it scares me too. I know I wouldn't enjoy pregnancy.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

amelisha · November 2014

I'm glad you all are with me on that one.

My mom was 95 pounds until she got pregnant...and hasn't been able to get below 140 ever since. She was a D cup pre-pregnancy...and now they're probably in the latter half of the alphabet. I am terrified.

And let's not get into all the horror stories I've seen about things prolapsing and incontinence and ripping and splitting and stretching and drooping.

I don't even like my body! But I certainly don't want it to get any worse, you know?

vegasbride2015 · November 2014

What if you had a kid in a previous marriage but don't want anymore with your second marriage? That's where I am at. I have a smart-mouthed teenaged girl and the thought of going through another 18 years makes me cringe. (She's a great kid, but just over the thought of another kid). I've struggled to post on this because I have a kid, but I honestly do not want anymore. However, I had a total hysterectomy in 2009 due to health issues that remedies that. When I was married the first time around it was one of the things that lead to my eventual divorce. My ex-husband wanted 4 kids. I didn't really want any at all, and after my daughter (who we did not plan for - we were very young at the time - 20 years old), we TTC even though I didn't want to (that's another story), and never got pregnant again (and I always had a huge sigh of relief when I got negative tests back).

My FI will never have a kid that is his own, at all, and he is fine with that (he wants no children either). We have gotten side eye from his parents and mine for not considering adoption, but we both have younger siblings (mine is pregnant right now), and hope that will be enough to curb the parents baby cravings.

lilacck28 · November 2014

I don't think it is selfish to not want kids, I think it's selfish to have kids without thinking of the consequences.

...I think I may be very selfish. I always thought I'd have kids. And I'm obsessed with babies and young kids (that sounded creepy. I mean obsessed in the "aww I want to smush your cheeks!" way.) But I am very afraid of the financial burden. And I do not look forward to worrying 24/7. My dad has passed along his OCD tendencies, and I can tell that he is often miserable with worry over my brother and me.

I already have worries like: omg, this world is often a horrible place, how can I bring new little babies into it? What if my child has a very hard life? What if I can't give him/her/ them all the things I had? I probably won't be able to. Is that fair? What if she/he/them can't find jobs or partners in life? Will I be financially supporting them forever? What if I do a terrible job and they become little monsters? Or real monsters, like killers? (I don't really have that last worry very often.)

Because of these types of fears, I used to joke with a friend from college that I would get pregnant, and take care of the baby until age 12, and then I'd pass off the kid to her for ages 12-24, and then we'd just be two mommies plus our partners chillin'.

I am very scared to have kids. I don't feel financially ready, and I don't think I will feel financially ready for many years to come. But I have a mild version of PCOS, which will probalby make getting pregnant difficult for me. My mom had a very hard time getting pregnant with both me and my brother. She had me at 32, my brother at 37. She tried for 2 years with me and had miscarriages, she tried for 4 years with my brother and had more miscarriages. (Oddly, she got pregnant with both of us immediately after having D&Cs and the doctors telling my parents to rest and not try for a while.)

I am 25, and will be basically 26 when FI and I get married. If I want kids, I should probably start trying (ie, at least stop taking the pill) around 27 or 28. I don't want to regret not having kids, because I DO get all those "OMGSOCUTEIWANT!" feelings. But I can't define those feelings with any non-selfish/ logical reasons. So I second guess.

novella1186 · November 2014

When I was 17 I was working as a hostess in a Mexican restaurant. I was holding the door open for this really really old man with a long beard, and out of nowhere he gets close to me and tells me to not ever have babies. I kind of laughed because it was such an odd thing to hear out of the blue from a stranger. He said "No, really. My wife was never the same again. It took too much out of her, and you can't ever get that back." The way he said it was so eerily convincing.

He was either my FI from 60 years in the future, or a wizard, I think. Anyway, it scared the hell out of me.

ETA: clearly I mean that my FI came back in a time machine to warn me

Lowell14 · November 2014

I'm 32 and H is 39. He has a 9 yo and a 17 yo. I confirmed with H last Monday we are not TTC. We thought we would try for 1 year, then, once H turned 40, we would stop trying. I made an appointment to take my implant out...then had a,complete meltdown at work about it...:(

I love my freedom, income and travel
So does H. We love the kids and his siblings babies but they don't stay forever. I don't consider myself selfish for not having kids, I would consider myself selfish having a baby I'm not 100% wanting just because "it's what you do..."

vegasbride2015 · November 2014

lilacck28 said:

I don't think it is selfish to not want kids, I think it's selfish to have kids without thinking of the consequences.

...I think I may be very selfish. I always thought I'd have kids. And I'm obsessed with babies and young kids (that sounded creepy. I mean obsessed in the "aww I want to smush your cheeks!" way.) But I am very afraid of the financial burden. And I do not look forward to worrying 24/7. My dad has passed along his OCD tendencies, and I can tell that he is often miserable with worry over my brother and me.

I already have worries like: omg, this world is often a horrible place, how can I bring new little babies into it? What if my child has a very hard life? What if I can't give him/her/ them all the things I had? I probably won't be able to. Is that fair? What if she/he/them can't find jobs or partners in life? Will I be financially supporting them forever? What if I do a terrible job and they become little monsters? Or real monsters, like killers? (I don't really have that last worry very often.)

Because of these types of fears, I used to joke with a friend from college that I would get pregnant, and take care of the baby until age 12, and then I'd pass off the kid to her for ages 12-24, and then we'd just be two mommies plus our partners chillin'.

I am very scared to have kids. I don't feel financially ready, and I don't think I will feel financially ready for many years to come. But I have a mild version of PCOS, which will probalby make getting pregnant difficult for me. My mom had a very hard time getting pregnant with both me and my brother. She had me at 32, my brother at 37. She tried for 2 years with me and had miscarriages, she tried for 4 years with my brother and had more miscarriages. (Oddly, she got pregnant with both of us immediately after having D&Cs and the doctors telling my parents to rest and not try for a while.)

I am 25, and will be basically 26 when FI and I get married. If I want kids, I should probably start trying (ie, at least stop taking the pill) around 27 or 28. I don't want to regret not having kids, because I DO get all those "OMGSOCUTEIWANT!" feelings. But I can't define those feelings with any non-selfish/ logical reasons. So I second guess.

You are very smart. You are thinking logically and I applaud you for that, because so many people do not. I was young and dumb and while I didn't have a non-chalant attitude about it, I was sadly unprepared. If hindsight were 20/20 I would have had the same concerns and questions you did.

I also had PCOS, and later on developed Adenomyosis, which were two of three reasons why I had a total hysterectomy.

climbingsingle · November 2014

I just want to say - I'm so happy this discussion is going on. I have friends IRL I can talk to, but I still get a lot of the, "But you'd have such cut babies!" and "Bobby would be such a good dad!", so I don't always come away from those conversations with good feelings, you know? It's really nice that there are so many of you here that share my feelings.

Jells2dot0 · November 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I just want to say - I'm so happy this discussion is going on. I have friends IRL I can talk to, but I still get a lot of the, "But you'd have such cut babies!" and "Bobby would be such a good dad!", so I don't always come away from those conversations with good feelings, you know? It's really nice that there are so many of you here that share my feelings.

I agree, even if I haven't been a total part of the conversation.

I think it's absurd that people even approach me about the topic of kids since I've been very vocal about not having them for years. Oh, and knowing that my DH is going to retire in the next 5 years. Why would anyone think we'd throw a kid in there while trying to retire???

I hope my recent battle with the Big C shuts them up...

phira · November 2014

Eh, it's more like ... I'd live happily without kids and don't feel any sort of drive to have kids and be a parent.

I've made it clear, though, that I am really not excited about pregnancy, labor, or breast feeding, and that I would prefer to adopt. If we don't adopt, I'm going to be a huge asshole about naming (first, middle, and last names).

climbingsingle · November 2014

phira said:

Eh, it's more like ... I'd live happily without kids and don't feel any sort of drive to have kids and be a parent.

I've made it clear, though, that I am really not excited about pregnancy, labor, or breast feeding, and that I would prefer to adopt. If we don't adopt, I'm going to be a huge asshole about naming (first, middle, and last names).

You don't want to be a parent but you're going to have kids anyway?

phira · November 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said: phira said: Eh, it's more like ... I'd live happily without kids and don't feel any sort of drive to have kids and be a parent.
I've made it clear, though, that I am really not excited about pregnancy, labor, or breast feeding, and that I would prefer to adopt. If we don't adopt, I'm going to be a huge asshole about naming (first, middle, and last names). You don't want to be a parent but you're going to have kids anyway? I don't feel the same kind of drive to have kids the way that a lot of people seem to. It's not something I've always assumed would happen for me, something I haven't always dreamed of happening for me, and something that doesn't have to happen for me to lead my life in a way that satisfies me and makes me happy.

I also could have lived a happy and satisfied life without getting married, but I don't feel like I'm only getting married because my partner wants to.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2014

phira said:

Eh, it's more like ... I'd live happily without kids and don't feel any sort of drive to have kids and be a parent.

I've made it clear, though, that I am really not excited about pregnancy, labor, or breast feeding, and that I would prefer to adopt. If we don't adopt, I'm going to be a huge asshole about naming (first, middle, and last names).

So if you have kids for your spouse, how is that going to work out then?

I'm not asking to be an ass, I'm just really curious because all of the pre-marriage prep I've participated in or read up on basically says that kids/no kids is not something a person can compromise on successfully and both partners need to be on the same page or it doesn't work out. And anecdotally I have seen that be the case as well.

If you guys decide to adopt or have a child of your own, do you think things will change for you? I have also heard women say that they were never really fond of other people's kids, but once they had their own they loved them instantly.

WinstonsGirl · November 2014

I have a former teammate who said the same. She didn't want kids, but her DH did, so she'd probably give him 1-2 in the future. She just had one (lost her IUD somewhere) and is so happy. I figure she was never big on the idea but wasn't a definite no either.

APDSS22 · November 2014

lilacck28 said:

I don't think it is selfish to not want kids, I think it's selfish to have kids without thinking of the consequences.

...I think I may be very selfish. I always thought I'd have kids. And I'm obsessed with babies and young kids (that sounded creepy. I mean obsessed in the "aww I want to smush your cheeks!" way.) But I am very afraid of the financial burden. And I do not look forward to worrying 24/7. My dad has passed along his OCD tendencies, and I can tell that he is often miserable with worry over my brother and me.

I already have worries like: omg, this world is often a horrible place, how can I bring new little babies into it? What if my child has a very hard life? What if I can't give him/her/ them all the things I had? I probably won't be able to. Is that fair? What if she/he/them can't find jobs or partners in life? Will I be financially supporting them forever? What if I do a terrible job and they become little monsters? Or real monsters, like killers? (I don't really have that last worry very often.)

Because of these types of fears, I used to joke with a friend from college that I would get pregnant, and take care of the baby until age 12, and then I'd pass off the kid to her for ages 12-24, and then we'd just be two mommies plus our partners chillin'.

I am very scared to have kids. I don't feel financially ready, and I don't think I will feel financially ready for many years to come. But I have a mild version of PCOS, which will probalby make getting pregnant difficult for me. My mom had a very hard time getting pregnant with both me and my brother. She had me at 32, my brother at 37. She tried for 2 years with me and had miscarriages, she tried for 4 years with my brother and had more miscarriages. (Oddly, she got pregnant with both of us immediately after having D&Cs and the doctors telling my parents to rest and not try for a while.)

I am 25, and will be basically 26 when FI and I get married. If I want kids, I should probably start trying (ie, at least stop taking the pill) around 27 or 28. I don't want to regret not having kids, because I DO get all those "OMGSOCUTEIWANT!" feelings. But I can't define those feelings with any non-selfish/ logical reasons. So I second guess.

The highlighted is where I'm at. People ask us all the time (especially now that we've been married a year) when we're going to start having kids. I'm not 100% sure we're not going to ever have kids, but I know we're not in a good place to have kids right now. We've got student loans, we're house hunting and we live no where near any family that could help out if we did have a kid. My car might break down at any point and I only just got a full time job so our savings isn't fabulous.

My DH has always said he doesn't want children, which is fine with me. After his sister got married, he realized he's the last of his "line" and said something about having a kid to carry on the family name. I'm fairly certain he was joking. I'm open to the idea of kids later on, but just for the sake of carrying on the family name? Nope.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

I have known my whole life kids weren't for me- never felt that maternal urge AT ALL. It was hard finding someone who also didn't want kids, but I did- yay! Be rational and use your brain? How many bad decisions have you made by following your heart or emotions. That said, in case these urges become more than urges, I would say avoid having anything permanent done to prevent pregnancy until you've had more time to think about this and talk about it with your other half.

flyingfoxes · November 2014

I've had several friends who made the choice to not have children. I think it's becoming more acceptable and common for people to be able to make the choice. I never questioned them or gave them any shit about it, because it wouldn't be me raising or paying for the kids, so ain't none of my business.

climbingsingle · November 2014

mobride2015 said:

I've had several friends who made the choice to not have children. I think it's becoming more acceptable and common for people to be able to make the choice. I never questioned them or gave them any shit about it, because it wouldn't be me raising or paying for the kids, so ain't none of my business.

Well, thank you for that. I totally feel validated in my choice now.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

climbingsingle · November 2014

pinkrevenge said:

I might be going to Hell for this, but when people I don't know give me shit about my decision to not have kids (and hey, asshole, why did you even bring it up?) I tell them H and I can't have children.

Yeah, bet you feel like shit now, nosey stranger who doesn't need to pressure our reproductive life.

I'm technically not lying ; H was fixed a couple years ago. And I don't feel that bad, because if it makes that person pause and not be nosey when someone wants kids and can't have them, I feel like I've done the world some good.

I'm so so so tempted to do this to the next stranger that asks when we're having kids.

lilacck28 · November 2014

FeeleyToBe said:

I have known my whole life kids weren't for me- never felt that maternal urge AT ALL. It was hard finding someone who also didn't want kids, but I did- yay! Be rational and use your brain? How many bad decisions have you made by following your heart or emotions. That said, in case these urges become more than urges, I would say avoid having anything permanent done to prevent pregnancy until you've had more time to think about this and talk about it with your other half.

Was this in response directed at me? Or someone else in particular (perhaps OP?) Or was it just the royal "you"?

In case it was directed at me:

To be clear, I do think FI and I are going to (try to) have kids, but right now I don't know how to define my urge to have children in a rational way. But does anyone who has had/ wants kids have a rational/ non selfish reason for wanting kids? I don't think so. Continue legacy? Selfish. Have a cute little thing to dress up and take care of? Selfish. Have someone to love unconditionally that will hopefully love you the same way? Selfish. Have someone to teach your point of view to? Selfish. I don't think knowing they are selfish reasons has stopped anyone from having or wanting children though, and it probably won't stop me (even if it does give me pause.)

But despite having an amorphous desire for kids (that is, of course, selfish), I have rational concerns about providing for them, and their future lives. Ultimately, I don't think this will stop me from trying to have children but... these concerns make the decision to have children much less simple.

JeeGooDowster · November 2014

lilacck28 said:

FeeleyToBe said:

I have known my whole life kids weren't for me- never felt that maternal urge AT ALL. It was hard finding someone who also didn't want kids, but I did- yay! Be rational and use your brain? How many bad decisions have you made by following your heart or emotions. That said, in case these urges become more than urges, I would say avoid having anything permanent done to prevent pregnancy until you've had more time to think about this and talk about it with your other half.

Was this in response directed at me? Or someone else in particular (perhaps OP?) Or was it just the royal "you"?

In case it was directed at me:

To be clear, I do think FI and I are going to (try to) have kids, but right now I don't know how to define my urge to have children in a rational way. But does anyone who has had/ wants kids have a rational/ non selfish reason for wanting kids? I don't think so. Continue legacy? Selfish. Have a cute little thing to dress up and take care of? Selfish. Have someone to love unconditionally that will hopefully love you the same way? Selfish. Have someone to teach your point of view to? Selfish. I don't think knowing they are selfish reasons has stopped anyone from having or wanting children though, and it probably won't stop me (even if it does give me pause.)

But despite having an amorphous desire for kids (that is, of course, selfish), I have rational concerns about providing for them, and their future lives. Ultimately, I don't think this will stop me from trying to have children but... these concerns make the decision to have children much less simple.

I think your concerns are normal. I don't think wanting to have kids is selfish. I also don't think being child free by choice is selfish. I've heard the "selfish" bit from both sides. Everybody is unique in what they want out of life. Kids are not for everybody (Obviously it is for me, since i'm expecting LoL).

Where are my child-free by choice ladies?

Re: Where are my child-free by choice ladies?

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