Help! I need relationship advice

lifeisajourney · November 2014

I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point but if I leave anything out that you need to know just ask....

Bf and I have been together for almost 2 months (very new relationship)

The only thing I dislike about him is that he doesn't have a stable career. He works but is currently looking for a new job that makes more money. He has no clear path about where he wants to work. He doesn't really care as long as it will give him the financial security he's looking for

It bothers me greatly that he doesn't have a clear path or goal as far as his career is concerned

Last night he asked me how I would feel about him going into the military. I told him that I wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship if he made that choice. He didnt like that answer at all. I respect the military wives out there for their sacrifice, but it's not something I'm willing to do and that's a nonnegotiable for me. I feel like he's so all over the place that I cant feel secure in our relationship. One day you want to be a post office worker, the next day a police officer, the next day you want to join the army. We are too old for this. He is 27.

He says that he feels like I beat him up and attack him by always telling him that I'm not happy about his career situation, but then he cant tell me exactly what I'm saying that makes him feel beat up. He says he wants to hear my thoughts and feelings (I never bring this conversation up, he brings it up and I give my honest thoughts) but then when I tell him how i feel he says i'm attacking him

Im very frustrated. Tell me like it is. If Im being ridiculous tell me. I need to hear it straight.

lacqueredlover · November 2014

2 months in, you have no say over his career choices. You have zero investment in this. You guys also sound like you don't really communicate that well. At 2 months, you guys should still be going gaga over each other and falling in love, not saying you don't feel secure in your "relationship" and thinking about being a wife to this person. Take a step back, you are really rushing it here.

For the record, at 27, I wasn't sure what I wanted in a career either and at 29, I'm just now settling into it.

Bottom line is if you're unhappy, then leave. It's his life and career, not yours, and if you can't get past that, then you shouldn't be with him.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

Why the quotes around "relationship"? My relationship doesn't count because it's still new? And why shouldnt I be thinking about possibly being his wife one day if that's the end goal for me? Im not thinking about being his wife any time soon but Why shouldnt I even think about it? Im spending this time getting to know him and enjoying our time together and determing if he is husband materilal. Isnt that the point of dating? And I'm not into that "gaga over each other" stuff. I would rather look with my eyes wide open even from the start. I like to fall in love with a level head. @lacqueredlover

lacqueredlover · November 2014

You dont' want advice, you want people to tell you that you're right. That's fine. I'm not going to do it. I think that at two months into knowing someone, you're being ridiculous and judgmental. I also think it's ridiculous to be posting on a wedding website when you've been in a relationship for two months. Take a step back. If you were happy in this relationship, you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet for advice. Time to move on and find someone that will meet your criteria.

Good luck to you.

peekaboo2011 · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point but if I leave anything out that you need to know just ask....

Bf and I have been together for almost 2 months (very new relationship)
The only thing I dislike about him is that he doesn't have a stable career. He works but is currently looking for a new job that makes more money. He has no clear path about where he wants to work. He doesn't really care as long as it will give him the financial security he's looking for
It bothers me greatly that he doesn't have a clear path or goal as far as his career is concerned
Last night he asked me how I would feel about him going into the military. I told him that I wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship if he made that choice. He didnt like that answer at all. I respect the military wives out there for their sacrifice, but it's not something I'm willing to do and that's a nonnegotiable for me. I feel like he's so all over the place that I cant feel secure in our relationship. One day you want to be a post office worker, the next day a police officer, the next day you want to join the army. We are too old for this. He is 27.
He says that he feels like I beat him up and attack him by always telling him that I'm not happy about his career situation, but then he cant tell me exactly what I'm saying that makes him feel beat up. He says he wants to hear my thoughts and feelings (I never bring this conversation up, he brings it up and I give my honest thoughts) but then when I tell him how i feel he says i'm attacking him

Im very frustrated. Tell me like it is. If Im being ridiculous tell me. I need to hear it straight.

I'm going to start with something you're not going to like. This is a brand new relationship. His career choices should not at all be based on you at this point.

I was with my exFI for 3.5 years. In that time, he waited tables, got a MA from Georgetown, waited more tables, and lived with his parents. I ended the relationship for many reasons, but a big one was that he expected me to do all of the work to have a career and let him do whatever the hell he wanted.

BF and I have been together now almost 3 years. When we started dating, he was an admin making not a ton of money, hating his job, and trying to figure out what he wanted to do. We spent a lot of time talking about potential career paths, what he was good at, should he go back to school, etc. And those conversations morphed based on the interviews he was getting for various things. At some point, he got all the way through an interview process and was offered a position as a Sharepoint Admin, with zero back-end experience. It took me a solid month to talk him into taking it because he didn't know if he would be good at it, he didn't have any training, and the most he had ever done with Sharepoint was content management. Two years later, he's now the senior person on his team, loves what he does, and is being recruited by several large organizations with a significant pay raise involved. But in that time that he was trying to decide what he wanted, we talked about all of those things - police officer, military, post office, all of the things were up for discussion.

It sounds to me like your BF is driven to do SOMETHING, but he doesn't know what. That's okay. If he's able to support himself, he's allowed to be unsure of what he wants to do with the rest of his professional life. I think that if you're invested in this relationship, you need to be supportive. When these conversations happen, it's not about you and what you want your SO to do or not do. You need to ask the right questions to get him thinking. Let's take the military option for example:

-What is it about the military that's drawing your attention?

-What branch would you want to join?

-What kind of training would you want to get?

-Would this be a permanent career or a fairly short-term time investment in order to get training and then join the private sector?

If you ask the questions to get him to think about WHY these different options are interesting to him, you're going to be more successful in your conversations with him. I would also like to point out that having Veteran's Preference is SO helpful when you're applying for federal jobs, which have amazing benefits. So, if he's only looking at a short term commitment, that's actually a decent route to go. I definitely would have joined short-term, but I'm medically ineligible.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

@peekaboo2011 thank you so so much! I really do need to work on my approach with these conversations. I didnt even think to ask any of those questions. He said "Army" and I saw red. I like your approach so much better. I think it will help him not to feel attacked as well.

peekaboo2011 · November 2014

lacqueredlover said:

You dont' want advice, you want people to tell you that you're right. That's fine. I'm not going to do it. I think that at two months into knowing someone, you're being ridiculous and judgmental. I also think it's ridiculous to be posting on a wedding website when you've been in a relationship for two months. Take a step back. If you were happy in this relationship, you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet for advice. Time to move on and find someone that will meet your criteria.

Good luck to you.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with this.

I think it's a little weird to pop up for the first time 2 months in, but we've had a LOT of girls go from dating/engaged to single back to in a relationship on this board. I, for one, broke off my engagement, stuck around, and then all these ladies actually helped me dress for my first date with BF, and they got the recap of said first date. My hiatus started about 1.5 years into our relationship. So, not weird to be on this if you're new in a relationship. Weird to be here for the first time in a new relationship.

peekaboo2011 · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

@peekaboo2011 thank you so so much! I really do need to work on my approach with these conversations. I didnt even think to ask any of those questions. He said "Army" and I saw red. I like your approach so much better. I think it will help him not to feel attacked as well.

You also need to remember that these conversations are 150% NOT ABOUT YOU and what you want. That is the absolute most important part.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

peekaboo2011 said:

lacqueredlover said:

You dont' want advice, you want people to tell you that you're right. That's fine. I'm not going to do it. I think that at two months into knowing someone, you're being ridiculous and judgmental. I also think it's ridiculous to be posting on a wedding website when you've been in a relationship for two months. Take a step back. If you were happy in this relationship, you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet for advice. Time to move on and find someone that will meet your criteria.

Good luck to you.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with this.

I think it's a little weird to pop up for the first time 2 months in, but we've had a LOT of girls go from dating/engaged to single back to in a relationship on this board. I, for one, broke off my engagement, stuck around, and then all these ladies actually helped me dress for my first date with BF, and they got the recap of said first date. My hiatus started about 1.5 years into our relationship. So, not weird to be on this if you're new in a relationship. Weird to be here for the first time in a new relationship.

And When I did my intro I explained that I was engaged b4 and the ladies on TK helped me through my broken engagement so I enjoy the friendships that the boards can provide so I came over to NEY because its the only board that really fits my situation

peekaboo2011 · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

peekaboo2011 said:

lacqueredlover said:

You dont' want advice, you want people to tell you that you're right. That's fine. I'm not going to do it. I think that at two months into knowing someone, you're being ridiculous and judgmental. I also think it's ridiculous to be posting on a wedding website when you've been in a relationship for two months. Take a step back. If you were happy in this relationship, you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet for advice. Time to move on and find someone that will meet your criteria.

Good luck to you.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with this.

I think it's a little weird to pop up for the first time 2 months in, but we've had a LOT of girls go from dating/engaged to single back to in a relationship on this board. I, for one, broke off my engagement, stuck around, and then all these ladies actually helped me dress for my first date with BF, and they got the recap of said first date. My hiatus started about 1.5 years into our relationship. So, not weird to be on this if you're new in a relationship. Weird to be here for the first time in a new relationship.

And When I did my intro I explained that I was engaged b4 and the ladies on TK helped me through my broken engagement so I enjoy the friendships that the boards can provide so I came over to NEY because its the only board that really fits my situation

Are we back in 1999?

Who were you before?

lifeisajourney · November 2014

i was raeah219 before.

eilis1228 · November 2014

I agree with @lacqueredlover. At two months in, you have no say in his career. Additionally, if the military is something he seriously wants to pursue, you need to put aside your issues with his choices and support him. If you choose to end the relationship, fine, but you can't hold him back either. It's incredibly selfish to assume that you have that much clout with him to push him to find a career and then criticize the various career paths he considers.

You guys need to sit down and discuss whatever is going on, but I don't blame him for feeling beat up and attacked. I understand not wanting to be with someone who is aimless and has no goals, but you can't control this aspect of his life. Whatever career path he chooses is his decision.

I think you also need to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he constantly told you that what you did for a living was not good enough for him, and then when you try to come up with different career options, he told you they were dealbreakers? I'm betting you'd feel pretty shitty.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

eilis1228 said:

I agree with @lacqueredlover. At two months in, you have no say in his career. Additionally, if the military is something he seriously wants to pursue, you need to put aside your issues with his choices and support him. If you choose to end the relationship, fine, but you can't hold him back either. It's incredibly selfish to assume that you have that much clout with him to push him to find a career and then criticize the various career paths he considers.

*****STUCK IN THE BOX****
My response to him wasnt "choose me or the army" My answer was, "baby I think you need to do what you feel is best for you and if you're passionate about the army then I think you should go for it but I know that I would never marry someone who was in the military because that's not the kind of lifestyle I want for myself or my son.

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Someone's career choice is an extremely personal thing, and not everyone knows what they want the rest of their life to look like by 21. In fact, most people don't. The only thing that should concern you is whether or not he's able to support himself financially, and whether or not he would mooch off of you.

I myself am guilty of career jumping. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, went to law school, realized it wasn't for me, and jumped ship. Since then, I've worked in Operations, Marketing, and Project Management for numerous industries. Can I earn a respectable salary? Yes. Even in my unemployment lull was I ever expecting DH to support me while I sat on my ass? No.

Right now, I have a great job. I still have days where I wonder if I should go back to school to teach or be a therapist or something. I think that's normal, especially if you're smart enough and have enough diverse interests to be able to be good at a number of professions.

I also think that you're relationship is BRAND new. Not even 2 months old yet. Like...under 10 WEEKS. That is BRAND NEW. If you're unhappy with any part of this person at this point, keep on shopping, but don't think you're in a position to dictate what his career should be. You're not.

As a complete aside, I do agree with you on one point. I could never marry a member of the military. I appreciate those who risk their lives so that we can all be free, but I wouldn't want to be married to someone who could be in that kind of danger on a daily basis.

eilis1228 · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

eilis1228 said:

I agree with @lacqueredlover. At two months in, you have no say in his career. Additionally, if the military is something he seriously wants to pursue, you need to put aside your issues with his choices and support him. If you choose to end the relationship, fine, but you can't hold him back either. It's incredibly selfish to assume that you have that much clout with him to push him to find a career and then criticize the various career paths he considers.

*****STUCK IN THE BOX****
My response to him wasnt "choose me or the army" My answer was, "baby I think you need to do what you feel is best for you and if you're passionate about the army then I think you should go for it but I know that I would never marry someone who was in the military because that's not the kind of lifestyle I want for myself or my son.

Your response was exactly "choose me or the army," just with a bit of sugarcoating. You've told him that if chooses the military, you see no future with him. While you won't hold him back, you won't be around either. I understand completely why he feels upset with you about this.

bethsmiles · November 2014

Your BF is 27. When the hell did 27 become old?! Sometimes it takes people a little longer to figure out what they want to do in life. I have students much older than him who decided they want to make a change. And some people don't find fulfillment in having a career. It's okay for a job to just be a job as long as the bills are getting paid. It's okay for someone's passion to be outside of their job.

It sounds like you are making his job search too much about yourself. It isn't about you and your feelings. You are being selfish. It sounds like he is trying. If he was just complaining and doing nothing that would be different. But figuring out what you want to do with your life takes time, it isn't going to happen overnight.

My advice to you is to leave out your negativity if he asks for you opinion again. He clearly knows how you feel about it and he doesn't need to hear it over and over again. It sounds like he is looking to you for some support, try focusing the conversations on that.

I don't think your answer about the military was unfair. He asked and you gave him an honest answer. And to be honest, my answer would have been the same. The military life isn't one I could live, it's a huge life altering decision and that should be a 100% honest conversation.

@lacqueredlover - It is really unfair of you to cast judgment on the validity of others' relationships.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

@bethsmiles thanks so much for your advice. What you said about it being ok so have passions outside of a career is something that really hit me. His job can just be a job. I've just been programmed to think that passion and ambition towards a career is the only way to be passionate and have ambition, but you are so right,

lifeisajourney · November 2014

loves2shop4shoes said:
I also think that you're relationship is BRAND new. Not even 2 months old yet. Like...under 10 WEEKS. That is BRAND NEW. If you're unhappy with any part of this person at this point, keep on shopping, but don't think you're in a position to dictate what his career should be. You're not.

I dont think that I should set aside all of his amazing qualities and "keep shopping" just because I dont love this one thing, especially since Im seeing from this conversation that I'm being overly judgmental about this one thing anyway. I dont think he deserves to just be set aside for this one thing alone. If i take your advice I'll be in search of perfection. You cant just stop dating someone just because you dont love every little thing about them

ChemFanatic25 · November 2014

lacqueredlover said:

You dont' want advice, you want people to tell you that you're right. That's fine. I'm not going to do it. I think that at two months into knowing someone, you're being ridiculous and judgmental. I also think it's ridiculous to be posting on a wedding website when you've been in a relationship for two months. Take a step back. If you were happy in this relationship, you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet for advice. Time to move on and find someone that will meet your criteria.

Good luck to you.

Not trying to stir the pot, but I want to point out that @lifeisajourney recently came back to the boards. She was engaged before and that is why she was on theknot and after that ended, later on she decided to come back. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I don't think I have ever seen in her other posts where she was disillusioned into thinking "oh my god, I must get married now, I'm going on every wedding website even though I'm in a two month relationship."

[Deleted User] · November 2014

didn't we kind of have this conversation a few days ago...?

lifeisajourney · November 2014

@cocobellaF Kind of but since BF and I just had this army conversation last night and he just told me this morning that he felt like I was beating him up I really wanted to get a little more advice

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

loves2shop4shoes said:
I also think that you're relationship is BRAND new. Not even 2 months old yet. Like...under 10 WEEKS. That is BRAND NEW. If you're unhappy with any part of this person at this point, keep on shopping, but don't think you're in a position to dictate what his career should be. You're not.

I dont think that I should set aside all of his amazing qualities and "keep shopping" just because I dont love this one thing, especially since Im seeing from this conversation that I'm being overly judgmental about this one thing anyway. I dont think he deserves to just be set aside for this one thing alone. If i take your advice I'll be in search of perfection. You cant just stop dating someone just because you dont love every little thing about them

My point is that you're not even TWO MONTHS in. If you're seeing red flags or "dealbreakers" at this point (and hey, everyone's deal breakers are different), then keep it moving. Someone can be a fantastic guy with numerous great qualities, but that doesn't mean he's right for you.

I'm going to venture a guess that the fact that you've already (mere WEEKS into this relationship) openly criticized his career path isn't going to do great things for your relationship long-term. And to be honest, I see a MILLION red flags here. You're way too serious way too soon.

You’re already calling each other “baby”? You’ve already introduced each other to your kids (less than two MONTHS in)? You’re already thinking marriage and “he’s the one?” Do you even know his middle name? Do you know where he was born? Do you know his parents names, or his mother’s maiden name? Do you know what his childhood was like? Do you know if he has debt, and how much? Do you know if he’s ever been convicted of a crime? Do you know what his religious affiliations are? Do you know what his biggest accomplishment is? Do you know what in life he associates shame with?

Like…SLOW.YOUR.ROLL. Why don’t you LEARN more about this guy before judging him, calling him baby, introducing him to your kids, and considering whether or not he’s a good marriage prospect?

[Deleted User] · November 2014

I'm going to weigh in on the "could never marry a member of the military" part.

I always said that I would never date or marry someone who was in the military, because I couldn't handle the pressure or the separation of being apart for that long. When I met Mr. Historian, he was a nice, normal college professor...who, a year into our relationship, left academia (not by choice...he was the target of some really nasty departmental politics, which happens a lot in academia) and went to work for the military. He spent a year deployed to Afghanistan, and I had to make the decision to stay or leave. I chose to stay. It has simultaneously been the most challenging and the most rewarding decision I have ever made. Rewarding because I am absolutely, 100% sure that this is the person I'm supposed to grow old with, and because the challenges we've faced have actually brought us closer together. Challenging because...well, he spent every day for a year in mortal danger. And those experiences still come back to haunt us. For example, near the end of his tour, the convoy he was in was hit by a suicide bomber. He was ahead of the bomb, but had to work triage at the scene, and literally held a man's intestines in place while the medic tried to stabilize him. What experiences like this mean for us is that, when we are reunited, what is supposed to be a joyous, celebratory occasion sometimes turns into long nights when he has nightmare after nightmare and I wake up with his hands pressed to my stomach because he's reliving the experience. It means a ton of not-fun sleepless nights, but...when he finally does fall asleep, and I lie there with the man I love next to me, I can quite literally thank God that the man I love is safe and snoring right next to me. It kind of puts everything else in perspective.

My point here is that I let myself be open to loving someone with a job that, quite frankly, I HATE. And I'm very, very grateful now that the experiences he had in Afghanistan impacted him so much that he has decided to look for another job. But I wanted to share with you that, even though you may not think you can do it, if the relationship is right, you can. It isn't easy, and it takes a metric ton of hard work and a solid support system, but it can work.

2 months in is a nice, new relationship...one in which I hope you're still in the "honeymoon stage". And everyone who has said that you have zero say over his career choices is, technically, right. But you do have a say in how you respond to what he chooses to do.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

@loves2shop4shoes

You’re already calling each other “baby”? You’ve already introduced each other to your kids (less than two MONTHS in)? You’re already thinking marriage and “he’s the one?” Do you even know his middle name? Do you know where he was born? Do you know his parents names, or his mother’s maiden name? Do you know what his childhood was like? Do you know if he has debt, and how much? Do you know if he’s ever been convicted of a crime? Do you know what his religious affiliations are? Do you know what his biggest accomplishment is? Do you know what in life he associates shame with?

Yes ma'am I know all of those things

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

@loves2shop4shoes

You’re already calling each other “baby”? You’ve already introduced each other to your kids (less than two MONTHS in)? You’re already thinking marriage and “he’s the one?” Do you even know his middle name? Do you know where he was born? Do you know his parents names, or his mother’s maiden name? Do you know what his childhood was like? Do you know if he has debt, and how much? Do you know if he’s ever been convicted of a crime? Do you know what his religious affiliations are? Do you know what his biggest accomplishment is? Do you know what in life he associates shame with?

Yes ma'am I know all of those things

Well did you have him fill out a questionnaire? Because these things (at least the full story of them) do not typically come out in a month.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

@futuremrshistorian thank you so much for that perspective on the military aspect. I really appreciate it.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

@loves2shop4shoes. Of course not. We have had these conversations. I think from going through couples therapy with my ex and reading a lot of relatinship books I kind of know what things to ask and what things to talk about in the "getting to know you phase" of course we are still getting to know each other because some things you cant find out through conversation because actions speak louder, but all the stuff you mentioned we have spoken about.

GoldenPenguin · November 2014

eilis1228 said:

lifeisajourney said:

eilis1228 said:

I agree with @lacqueredlover. At two months in, you have no say in his career. Additionally, if the military is something he seriously wants to pursue, you need to put aside your issues with his choices and support him. If you choose to end the relationship, fine, but you can't hold him back either. It's incredibly selfish to assume that you have that much clout with him to push him to find a career and then criticize the various career paths he considers.

*****STUCK IN THE BOX****
My response to him wasnt "choose me or the army" My answer was, "baby I think you need to do what you feel is best for you and if you're passionate about the army then I think you should go for it but I know that I would never marry someone who was in the military because that's not the kind of lifestyle I want for myself or my son.

Your response was exactly "choose me or the army," just with a bit of sugarcoating. You've told him that if chooses the military, you see no future with him. While you won't hold him back, you won't be around either. I understand completely why he feels upset with you about this.

Also, you said you "saw red." I can imagine if you were THAT angry, it didn't come out sweet and supportive.

CLoGreenEyes · November 2014

Everyone here has given the best advice already, which is to chill out with your approach to his career choices. At two months in, just try to enjoy the relationship and truly get to know him. I'm not saying that you should ignore the issue of his career entirely, because it's important to have someone who will work with you to support your family, but maybe sit back and see what happens if this is the ONLY issue you see right now. Some people spend their whole lives changing careers, earning additional degrees, etc., and they still manage to meet their financial responsibilities to their loved ones. He doesn't sound like a deadbeat from what you've told us so far; maybe just indecisive, flexible, and versatile. Not horrible qualities in a man, even if sometimes they are frustrating.

I don't think it's wrong that you were honest about your feelings about the military lifestyle; that's something that is very personal and you have a right to them. Like @futuremrshistorian said, you might find that you change your mind overtime, but it's good to know where you stand on it right now. Remember that and keep it in mind as he brings up other ideas - for example, jobs that would require him to travel a lot, require you to move, etc.

That being said, he doesn't seem dead-set on any of these ideas right now; more just casting them out there as possibilities. I know I did this for YEARS with ex-BF; I changed my mind about what career I wanted every two weeks when we first met. It would have been very hurtful and discouraging to hear him point out all the negatives to my ideas, especially how they would mess things up for him, when really all I needed was time to consider them for myself. Your BF might be experiencing the same thing - getting excited about the possibilities and seeking your "permission" to explore them more in depth.

I think the time to get serious and talk about how your relationship would work (or not work) with a certain career is once he's ready to commit to that path. Once he's like, "I'm ready to fill out the paperwork," or, "I'm ready to apply to this job," or, "I'm ready to start classes next semester," at that point, you can actually come up with a game plan and see how you feel about everything in front of you. Especially once you're further into the relationship, I can understand wanting him to talk with you about major decisions like a career change, but you also don't want your relationship to prevent him to pursuing something he really wants. That DOES NOT work out in the end.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

I think you just need to listen when he's telling you he feels like you're attacking him and beating him up. if I were him, those would be red flags to me.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

thank you so so much for your thoughts and your advice.@CLoGreenEyes

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