Where are my child-free by choice ladies?

lilacck28 · November 2014

mrsdowster said:

I think your concerns are normal. I don't think wanting to have kids is selfish. I also don't think being child free by choice is selfish. I've heard the "selfish" bit from both sides. Everybody is unique in what they want out of life. Kids are not for everybody (Obviously it is for me, since i'm expecting LoL).

Thank you for that. It makes total sense to me that someone who does not want kids should NOT feel guilty about it (and I have told this to friends who do not want children but mention guilt), but I guess I need to take my own advice since I have feelings of guilt and worry about wanting to have kids.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2014

pinkrevenge said:

I might be going to Hell for this, but when people I don't know give me shit about my decision to not have kids (and hey, asshole, why did you even bring it up?) I tell them H and I can't have children.

Yeah, bet you feel like shit now, nosey stranger who doesn't need to pressure our reproductive life.

I'm technically not lying ; H was fixed a couple years ago. And I don't feel that bad, because if it makes that person pause and not be nosey when someone wants kids and can't have them, I feel like I've done the world some good.

When people say to me. . .and it's always to me, never to DH so think about that one, but when they say, 'but why don't you want them?" I reply, 'Why did you?"

blabla89 · November 2014

porkchops926 said:

amelisha said:

My fiance would love to have kids, but we're both too, uh, financially responsible (see: cheap) to do it unless he's making a ton more money. I refuse to leave my job for however long (or pay for exorbitant daycare) unless we can live very comfortably on the one income. I don't want to have to struggle or give up vacations etc. to have kids. So we're definitely staying childfree unless his salary doubles before I hit, say, 32. And unless we move somewhere with enough space for an au pair or something.

I'm also terrified of childbirth and the effects of pregnancy...I really, really don't want those changes to my body. Fiance laughs it off a bit, but he's not the one who has to go through it. I've also told him that I'm not having babies unless he can afford to pay for the cosmetic surgery to put everything back where it was before.

I'm honestly not a princess...like, we live pretty simply and are big savers, and I'm not vain either (I just hate my body enough as it is that I can't imagine dealing with it if it's even worse...not to mention the possibilities of stuff like tearing and abs splitting.) I just really like our life the way it is and I've never really felt compelled to have kids of my own.

My mom runs a dayhome and I've been a nanny overseas twice, and I know what it's like to have kids in your life. I don't want it. I like kids, but other people's are fine.

OMG I am so happy someone else said this. I thought I was the only one who didn't think pregnancy was "exciting and feels so natural"

Screw that.

This is me, too. FI insisted that he will regret not having biological children (primarily because that's the expectation his family has instilled) but the more he learns about pregnancy, birth and complications - he's starting to come around.

However, I've always known that I want to adopt at least one child. That comes with the benefit of being able to choose when we're ready, once we're financially stable and have enjoyed child-free life for a while, and the timing won't be dictated by fertility.

charlieyankee03 · November 2014

I am absolutely TERRIFIED of being pregnant. The thought of growing a child inside me freaks me out to no end.

I like the idea of a big family though. FI wants kids more than he'll admit to me since he knows my stance on it. I'm not sure I'm done being selfish enough to have kids though. I like my money, I like my time, and I like that we have the luxury of travelling at least once a month. I don't know that I'm ready to give that up and spend the next 9 months terrified of this human growing inside me and then the rest of my life worrying that something bad is going to happen to them.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

VulgarGirl · November 2014

Ok so we know I want a kid. I really want to be a parent. However I do not even have the slightest desire to get pregnant. At all. The idea of a tiny human living inside me is terrifying and I cannot wrap my brain around why people want to get pregnant.

Wifey says she wants to experience pregnancy. I love her but it sounds nuts to me. I'm gonna help her and all that but I still don't get the desire at all.

vegasbride2015 · November 2014

I don't understand why people think it is their right to know if and when someone is going to have a kid. It is so damn nosy.

Blergbot · November 2014

I always wanted a kid, but I never wanted to be pregnant...until I hit 30. Then part of me did want to. Still terrified of giving birth, but wanted to be pregant. Well, so far being pregnant has kind of sucked. Depression, nausea, back pain, horrible acne. Lots of people act like you are doing this sacred thing, but I'm failing to feel that "glow." I also can't believe I'm only half way through this ordeal. Ugh. Also, I still feel like my baby is an abstract concept. The ultrasounds have helped that a lot, and they're pretty amazing, but I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that this little boy (that part scares me, too!) is going to be a real person. Anyway, just saying that if you don't feel like you physically want to carry a child, you may be on to something.

phira · November 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

phira said:

Eh, it's more like ... I'd live happily without kids and don't feel any sort of drive to have kids and be a parent.

I've made it clear, though, that I am really not excited about pregnancy, labor, or breast feeding, and that I would prefer to adopt. If we don't adopt, I'm going to be a huge asshole about naming (first, middle, and last names).

So if you have kids for your spouse, how is that going to work out then?

I'm not asking to be an ass, I'm just really curious because all of the pre-marriage prep I've participated in or read up on basically says that kids/no kids is not something a person can compromise on successfully and both partners need to be on the same page or it doesn't work out. And anecdotally I have seen that be the case as well.

If you guys decide to adopt or have a child of your own, do you think things will change for you? I have also heard women say that they were never really fond of other people's kids, but once they had their own they loved them instantly.

I don't really see this as something where he and I are unable to compromise. I don't feel a need to be a parent; it's not something I've always dreamed of, and I would be fine never having kids. That doesn't mean that I do not want kids at all, full stop, and I'm only saying okay because I don't want to lose my partner. It's more like, he wants kids, I don't really care, so kids it is.

It's not really a matter of, "Ugh, I don't like kids, so I don't think I'd want my own," so much as it's, "I enjoy being able to return children to their parents, and as much as I'm sure I'd love my own kids to pieces, right now, again, I enjoy returning children to their parents."

[Deleted User] · November 2014

caitlinmca · November 2014

FI and I are on the same page as to having no kids. I think we both would do fine with kids, and easily our minds could change, but I'm more of the type of holding babies and playing with babies to cure my baby fever and then when I get tired of them, or they get tired of me, I can easily send them right back to their parents...I can't do that with my own. I'm also one that likes to be able to just pick up and go and not having to think, let alone receive my 9-10 hours of sleep a night.

Medically, I would have some concerns as well. I've had 5 hip surgeries, possibly looking at a 6th hip surgery, and a possible femur and knee surgery. I have migraines that are only controlled by anti-seizure medications and to be on those medications I have to be on BC to prevent pregnancy and birth defects so that would be a no win situation. I would refuse everyday migraines for 9 months.

beethery · November 2014

Relevant:

lilacck28 · November 2014

beethery said:

Relevant:

AHAHAHAHA.

Also, who is the ass who seems to think s/he knows enough about anything to make claims about what makes for a successful or failed life? So presumptuous. But I guess that's most people. Which is why I don't like most people.

kerbohl · November 2014

@doeydo As a rabbit owner, I recommend! Get a male though - all my females have been beyond crazy. Extremely lovable regardless, but crazy. And the few maternal instincts I might have, I put on my rabbits and on my nephews. I'm good without having kids.

kerbohl · November 2014

Also, advice question - my MIL seemed to chill with the "when are you having babies" talk when my SIL got engaged a month after our wedding. But now the wedding isn't exactly happening . . . should I expect tons of pressure again, now that I have been married for almost a year and we are again the only hope for grandchildren? I'm sorry, but lecturing me on having a garden so that my children eat only non-chemical foods when I am not pregnant nor trying to conceive is just weird. Where does that talk come from? And getting pissed when I mentioned that I am a firm believer in hand-me-downs, because "my children should have something that is theirs"? Umm, I was talking about second-hand clothes for me - where did this non-existent child enter the conversation?

PrettyGirlLost · November 2014

You all might find this article to be interesting, then: nymag.com/thecut/2014/09/what-if-you-just-dont-know-if-you-want-kids.html

buttercup1958 · November 2014

One of my peers just announced she was pregnat. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to say sorry or congts ha. She wants to be an applied geologist which you need 5 years of work before you can take the test to become a professional. And she can't exactly do the work she wants to do with a baby. I just pictured years of potential work expercience go out the window when she told us. She seems happy though.. And this is when I realized nope I don't want kids for a really long time, if ever.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

LadyMillil · November 2014

buttercup1958 said:

One of my peers just announced she was pregnat. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to say sorry or congts ha. She wants to be an applied geologist which you need 5 years of work before you can take the test to become a professional. And she can't exactly do the work she wants to do with a baby. I just pictured years of potential work expercience go out the window when she told us. She seems happy though.. And this is when I realized nope I don't want kids for a really long time, if ever.

This kind of statement pisses me off. I hear all the time that I'm "wasting my time and money" to go to school for my PhD because I want to have kids. I've always known I want to have kids and every career decision I've made, including getting my PhD, I've made with the goal to be both a scientist and a mother. I would be on exactly the same career path if I didn't want kids. You may think she has thrown years of work experience out the window. Maybe she feels that way too, but maybe she wants kids and will adjust her goals or find a position that will allow her to have both the job she wants and kids.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2014

LadyMillil said:

buttercup1958 said:

One of my peers just announced she was pregnat. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to say sorry or congts ha. She wants to be an applied geologist which you need 5 years of work before you can take the test to become a professional. And she can't exactly do the work she wants to do with a baby. I just pictured years of potential work expercience go out the window when she told us. She seems happy though.. And this is when I realized nope I don't want kids for a really long time, if ever.

This kind of statement pisses me off. I hear all the time that I'm "wasting my time and money" to go to school for my PhD because I want to have kids. I've always known I want to have kids and every career decision I've made, including getting my PhD, I've made with the goal to be both a scientist and a mother. I would be on exactly the same career path if I didn't want kids. You may think she has thrown years of work experience out the window. Maybe she feels that way too, but maybe she wants kids and will adjust her goals or find a position that will allow her to have both the job she wants and kids.

Yep, or maybe she will decide to be a SAHM, maybe her husband will quit his job and be a SAHD. It's her choice!

But whatever she chooses to do as far as raising her family, this lady's choice to have a child does not invalidate all the work she had already done towards her career nor does it mean she can't continue on later in life.

Families and career are not automatically mutually exclusive. You will likely need to make sacrifices in both arenas in order to have balance and be able to do both, but that's life. We have to make sacrifices all of the time.

She has 44 years to work potentially (assuming she began working at 21 after graduating and she will retire at 65). . . and working isn't the end all be all of life. Hell, I'm not working because I love to work. . . I'm working because I need to in order to pay my bills, buy food, and afford to do the other things in life I really want to do- my hobbies, travel, etc.

kerbohl · November 2014

@pinkrevenge Eating sushi while pregnant causes birth defects? Whaaaa?

Cookie Pusher · November 2014

kerbohl said:

@pinkrevenge Eating sushi while pregnant causes birth defects? Whaaaa?

Mercury and bacteria exposure have been brought up as concerns regarding pregnant women and sushi.

http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-health/mercury-levels-in-sushi/

abbyj700 · November 2014

LadyMillil said:

buttercup1958 said:

One of my peers just announced she was pregnat. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to say sorry or congts ha. She wants to be an applied geologist which you need 5 years of work before you can take the test to become a professional. And she can't exactly do the work she wants to do with a baby. I just pictured years of potential work expercience go out the window when she told us. She seems happy though.. And this is when I realized nope I don't want kids for a really long time, if ever.

This kind of statement pisses me off. I hear all the time that I'm "wasting my time and money" to go to school for my PhD because I want to have kids. I've always known I want to have kids and every career decision I've made, including getting my PhD, I've made with the goal to be both a scientist and a mother. I would be on exactly the same career path if I didn't want kids. You may think she has thrown years of work experience out the window. Maybe she feels that way too, but maybe she wants kids and will adjust her goals or find a position that will allow her to have both the job she wants and kids.

I was thinking the same thing.

You don't have to pick kids or a career and to think so is very close minded. I didn't decide not to have kids based ANYTHING on my career. Just because I don't want kids doesn't mean I will put my career before my family for the rest of my life. It's pretty common to be successful at both your home life and work life as a woman anymore.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

kerbohl said:

@pinkrevenge Eating sushi while pregnant causes birth defects? Whaaaa?

Mercury and bacteria exposure have been brought up as concerns regarding pregnant women and sushi.

http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-health/mercury-levels-in-sushi/

Not only that, but I can't imagine it would be very good to get a tapeworm while pregnant either.

princessofgenovia · November 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Cookie Pusher said:

kerbohl said:

@pinkrevenge Eating sushi while pregnant causes birth defects? Whaaaa?

Mercury and bacteria exposure have been brought up as concerns regarding pregnant women and sushi.

http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-health/mercury-levels-in-sushi/

Not only that, but I can't imagine it would be very good to get a tapeworm while pregnant either.

Is there a good time to get a tapeworm though?

Cookie Pusher · November 2014

princessofgenovia said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Cookie Pusher said:

kerbohl said:

@pinkrevenge Eating sushi while pregnant causes birth defects? Whaaaa?

Mercury and bacteria exposure have been brought up as concerns regarding pregnant women and sushi.

http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-health/mercury-levels-in-sushi/

Not only that, but I can't imagine it would be very good to get a tapeworm while pregnant either.

Is there a good time to get a tapeworm though?

There used to be old ads for tapeworms as a means of staying skinny. Whether it was real or not is another story.

ETA: I know the image I posted isn't real, but I can't get Snopes to load on my computer to put the link. But yea, look up tapeworm in Snopes and it has stories.

southernbelle0915 · November 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

princessofgenovia said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Cookie Pusher said:

kerbohl said:

@pinkrevenge Eating sushi while pregnant causes birth defects? Whaaaa?

Mercury and bacteria exposure have been brought up as concerns regarding pregnant women and sushi.

http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-health/mercury-levels-in-sushi/

Not only that, but I can't imagine it would be very good to get a tapeworm while pregnant either.

Is there a good time to get a tapeworm though?

There used to be old ads for tapeworms as a means of staying skinny. Whether it was real or not is another story.

It is concerning that it comes with a "bleeding bowl". Um...

Cookie Pusher · November 2014

@southernbelle0915 - see the ETA I added. That is definitely a fake ad, but Snopes has more info.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

buttercup1958 · November 2014

I wasn't being closed minded. The career she has told me she wants wouldn't all her to be a stay at home mom. She would be working long hours, over a long period of time. Sometimes she will be called in at 3 am. I hope it works out for her and her boyfriend. I think it will be more likely for him to be at the stay at home parent. In our field in applied geology it takes years of work to get in the office environment of applied geology. You have to pay your dues before then by working really crappy hours, in not so nice weather ect. I realize that many people can balance work and family. I know my views are unpopular. My parents have helped me a lot money wise but they were able to do it because they did put their careers before home life for a long time. I just don't have much experience of a good balance. So I do realize that I can't speak for everyone, just my viewpoint.

Where are my child-free by choice ladies?

Re: Where are my child-free by choice ladies?

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