Help! I need relationship advice

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

@LifeIsAJourney, Ok, I’m going to give you my honest to goodness opinion on all of this, which I put a lot of thought into, with the hope that you'll heed my advice.

You’re pretty young and you have a LOT going on in your life. You were with your ex since you were young, got pregnant accidentally, and now have a son. By some miracle, you were able to get a Master’s Degree and now have a very respectable job as a teacher. Good for you!

You pulled a really immature and rookie move by forcing your ex into proposing, which seems understandable since you likely wanted to create a solid family for your son. Your ex realized the relationship wasn’t right, which probably wasn’t a huge shock to you since you had to force him to propose.

In the six/seven months since your breakup from your ex, you’ve dated two different dudes, one for a “few months” and maybe a month after THAT breakup, your BF. It seems almost like serial rebounding to me, like complete and total desperation to settle down and get married (especially when you pose questions like “How do you know he’s the one” and talking about how your BF of less than two MONTHS might be the one for you.)

I get that you want to get married. I get that you probably want a solid family unit for your son. Those are understandable things to want: stability, financial support, and a family for your child. But to be perfectly honest, you don’t sound like you’re really ready to be in a committed relationship right now. Your priorities are not where they should be. You are thinking about gifts and whether or not you can deem someone's lack of a "stable career" to be acceptable. It does not seem like you're really looking into healing from your breakup and finding yourself.

Honestly, I think it would be VERY wise to spend your energy on your son, your career, and getting to know YOURSELF better. I think jumping from relationship to another (and in your desperation, getting SO serious SO soon) is a truly horrible idea. You need some time to be SINGLE. Don’t date. Focus on your kid and yourself. And when you do eventually start dating again, realize that a man worth spending your life with is a man whose company you’ll still enjoy in the nursing home. While having a prestigious or “steady” career is nice, and while gifts are lovely, the important thing is that someone contributes and treats you with kindness and respect. Furthermore, before you allow yourself to be so quick to judge others, realize that while you do indeed have a steady, respectable career, you come with plenty of baggage yourself (not the least of which is a failed engagement and a child.) So just like you may not want someone to judge you based on your baggage, you probably shouldn't be so quick to judge others who may not have every facet of their shit together.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

I appreciate everyone's advice. Thanks ladies

cu97tiger · November 2014

@lifeisajourney - What @loves2shop4shoes said... all of it.

lilacck28 · November 2014

I agree with the spirit of all the advice given.

BUT, I do disagree with the "thinking about 'the one' doesn't happen at two months into a relationship." It happens! It happened with me.

I'm going to go wayyyyy into TMI right now:

I am very analytical... and also a romantic sap. I started dating FI, and I asked all those questions about family, debt, life goals, religion, politics, etc within the first three months. They just came up in conversation, because I'm nosy and very chatty, and I guess I bring out those qualities in other people. Also, FI and I had so much in common that those things were just fun to talk about.

We exchanged "I love yous" about a month in. That was pretty much because of him. He moved fast... I went with it. We had sex after a month. We talked about marriage and kids (as in, do you ever want to get married or have kids, when do you think would be a good time for you, where do you think you'd like to live when you settle down) about two weeks in, after quite a few dates, and right before we were about to get more physical. I also made him tell me about all his prior partners, and I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him until he got tested. (That kind of makes him sound very promiscuous. He wasn't, but safety was very important to me.)

So, I put him through the ringer. Maybe that was because I was a virgin, I don't know. (no religious reason-- I just wanted to be in love or close to it before I had sex, and that just never happened in high school or college.)

I considered him as "the one" almost right away. Not in a "OMG IT'S HIM!" way, but in a "I really like this guy. He seems to have all the things I wanted in a life partner. Maybe he could actually BE my life partner. hmm. weird." type of way.

He checked off all the boxes, and I felt like I cared about him enough to hand away the v-card. And by "checked off all the boxes", I do mean that I considered his beliefs, his politics, his career goals/ passions, his friends, his relationship with his family and that he eventually wanted to get married and have kids and wanted to live in New England (just like me.)

He was working at a lobbying firm as a policy intern and walmart as a cashier. His career was definitely not stable. He wasn't sure if he wanted to go to graduate school. He knew what he was interested in, but his prospects were fuzzy. He is in grad school now.. .and his prospects are still fuzzy! We don't know if he'll be able to find a stable job in government or a nonprofit or lobbying firm...

But I could tell that he worked hard! I was so impressed that he was working at walmart, even though he HATED it. For me, his intelligence and interest in the world definitely trumped the fact that he may not ever make a lot of money. He was most definitely not a bum, and he was not an idiot. That's what counted.

BUT, if I had started dating him, and liked him a lot, but something didn't "tick off a box" , l...I don't know what I would have done. I was young (22, right out of college), so maybe I would have just continued to date him... or maybe not. I've always been really serious. It's why I never fell in love in college. No one checked all the boxes and I just couldn't emotionally get there with someone who didn't.

ANYWAY. In my opinion, 2 months in, can you consider him a possibly being a good life partner? YES! absolutely.

BUT this is a long process. I considered FI as a possibility that early, but I didn't really decide that yes, this was it, I'm sure, until about 12 months in, after living with him for 3 months. Had red flags been raised in the first two months... I wouldn't have considered him a possible life partner. I would have just had fun with him and gone on dates. If I only wanted to be with someone that could have been a life partner, I would have broken up and moved on, not tried to change him into someone that met my needs. Because that does not work. Ever.

All of that said... there are certain things that I think you need to change your thinking on. I think you need to reevaluate what your "needs" are in a partner. I think your "standards" may be a little misguided.

I think the "gift giving" love language is something that is kind of problematic. My best friend claims to have this. I have to constantly tell her "yes, you may love to give and receive gifts but someone else may not. Telling someone that you need gifts to feel loved, and convincing them to give you gifts often, is not going to mean that this non-gift-giving-love-language person's gifts mean that he cares about you. It will just mean that you've forced someone who doesn't care about giving gifts into giving them to you. If his "love language" is different, then he will show you affection in other ways. You need to figure out what the signs of true affection are for him, and learn to appreciate them." It's frustrating. She's constantly disapointed. And she sees the gifts that she's cajoled out of her boyfriends as showing that they care. They don't. They've learned that they can be lazy in showing her true affection and respect if they just give her a gift.

And about jobs:

The economy isn't that bad right now (our unemployment rate is pretty low!) BUT it is still not easy to get a job in a lot of fields. And our generation changes their job/ career many times. There is no one path to success. Just because a man doesn't know what job he wants to have for the rest of his life doesn't mean he isn't someone who will work hard at whatever position he has in the moment.

And one career doesn't mean he will be stable. He could lose his job as an accountant at 40 years old and then not be able to find another position. There are no guarantees. My father is a dentist. He hated it. He had his own practice, but it did not make him money, and he was germaphobic and stressed, so he sold the practice and was a stay at home dad while my mom worked.

I have the terminal degree in my field, but I took a job that was only sortof tangentially related. I don't know if I'll stick with this type of career path or not. But, again, that doesn't make me not marriage material. That makes me a person who is willing to adapt.

That was really long, and meandering. Sorry.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

The fact that u ladies would take so much time out of your day to write such meaningful responses to my post really means a lot. I may not agree with everything said but I am taking it all in and I truly appreciate all of the wisdom

lilacck28 · November 2014

OMG. What @Loves2shop4shoes just said.

All of that.

You remind me of my best friend. She desperately wants a relationship, and jumps from one to the other. She stays in relationships that don't make her happy for too long because she is afraid to be alone. Based on all the conversations we've had, it seems pretty clear to me that she is not emotionally prepared for or stable enough herself, to have a long term relationship. She is more concerned with getting gifts and being with someone who is athletic and preppy than being with someone that treats her well and she has good conversations with. She, like you, is also very concerned with status symbols (having an acceptable "career", having money, being well traveled, playing games like tennis/ golf/ sailing.) It really hurts to watch her make herself miserable all the time with her need to be in a relationship.

Don't do that to yourself. Take time to be single, to figure yourself out, to really understand what will make you happy and feel stable.

rn1989 · November 2014

It just seems like everyone is fighting and criticizing this girl for her choices. She came to us for help, so let's help her. It's hard to describe everything that's going on in a forum. She can't paint the whole picture for us over the Internet. the only advice I have for her is to have good communication with him. kudos to you for being honest with him about your feelings. Try to have an open mind, because if you really love him, you'll choose to stick it out no matter what. I'd go anywhere with my Paul, and support him in whatever he needs to do, as long as it's positive for him. We've been together about a year, so we're still kind of new too. Good luck, try not to let the negativity get to you.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

thanks so much @rn1989

GoldenPenguin · November 2014

rn1989 said:

It just seems like everyone is fighting and criticizing this girl for her choices. She came to us for help, so let's help her. It's hard to describe everything that's going on in a forum. She can't paint the whole picture for us over the Internet. the only advice I have for her is to have good communication with him. kudos to you for being honest with him about your feelings. Try to have an open mind, because if you really love him, you'll choose to stick it out no matter what. I'd go anywhere with my Paul, and support him in whatever he needs to do, as long as it's positive for him. We've been together about a year, so we're still kind of new too. Good luck, try not to let the negativity get to you.

You haven't been here long, have you?

peekaboo2011 · November 2014

rn1989 said:

It just seems like everyone is fighting and criticizing this girl for her choices. She came to us for help, so let's help her. It's hard to describe everything that's going on in a forum. She can't paint the whole picture for us over the Internet. the only advice I have for her is to have good communication with him. kudos to you for being honest with him about your feelings. Try to have an open mind, because if you really love him, you'll choose to stick it out no matter what. I'd go anywhere with my Paul, and support him in whatever he needs to do, as long as it's positive for him. We've been together about a year, so we're still kind of new too. Good luck, try not to let the negativity get to you.

We did help her. She doesn't want help. She wants validation.

We don't provide validation.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

I dont know what makes you think I want validation. I thanked you all graciously for your advice, asked clarifying questions, and took it all in. @peekaboo2011

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

rn1989 said:

It just seems like everyone is fighting and criticizing this girl for her choices. She came to us for help, so let's help her. It's hard to describe everything that's going on in a forum. She can't paint the whole picture for us over the Internet. the only advice I have for her is to have good communication with him. kudos to you for being honest with him about your feelings. Try to have an open mind, because if you really love him, you'll choose to stick it out no matter what. I'd go anywhere with my Paul, and support him in whatever he needs to do, as long as it's positive for him. We've been together about a year, so we're still kind of new too. Good luck, try not to let the negativity get to you.

If I were interested in fighting or criticizing this girl, I would've put in a snarky GIF in. I wouldn't have written a full dissertation on why she needs to focus on herself and her kid and stop desperately hopping from "serious" relationship to "serious" relationship.

So...nice try, but nope.

lacqueredlover · November 2014

peekaboo2011 said:

rn1989 said:

It just seems like everyone is fighting and criticizing this girl for her choices. She came to us for help, so let's help her. It's hard to describe everything that's going on in a forum. She can't paint the whole picture for us over the Internet. the only advice I have for her is to have good communication with him. kudos to you for being honest with him about your feelings. Try to have an open mind, because if you really love him, you'll choose to stick it out no matter what. I'd go anywhere with my Paul, and support him in whatever he needs to do, as long as it's positive for him. We've been together about a year, so we're still kind of new too. Good luck, try not to let the negativity get to you.

We did help her. She doesn't want help. She wants validation.

We don't provide validation.

That was my main point. Advice was given. IT wasn't the advice the OP wanted to hear so she lashed out. She wanted validation that it was totally ok for her to be acting the way she was to the guy she's been dating for 2 months. After the guy she dated for a few months. After her engagement ended only 6 months ago. Many people come here asking for advice, few actually take it.

And for the record, no one is fighting. Giving honest advice isn't fighting, it's reality.

eilis1228 · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point but if I leave anything out that you need to know just ask....

Bf and I have been together for almost 2 months (very new relationship)
The only thing I dislike about him is that he doesn't have a stable career. He works but is currently looking for a new job that makes more money. He has no clear path about where he wants to work. He doesn't really care as long as it will give him the financial security he's looking for
It bothers me greatly that he doesn't have a clear path or goal as far as his career is concerned
Last night he asked me how I would feel about him going into the military. I told him that I wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship if he made that choice. He didnt like that answer at all. I respect the military wives out there for their sacrifice, but it's not something I'm willing to do and that's a nonnegotiable for me. I feel like he's so all over the place that I cant feel secure in our relationship. One day you want to be a post office worker, the next day a police officer, the next day you want to join the army. We are too old for this. He is 27.
He says that he feels like I beat him up and attack him by always telling him that I'm not happy about his career situation, but then he cant tell me exactly what I'm saying that makes him feel beat up. He says he wants to hear my thoughts and feelings (I never bring this conversation up, he brings it up and I give my honest thoughts) but then when I tell him how i feel he says i'm attacking him

Im very frustrated. Tell me like it is. If Im being ridiculous tell me. I need to hear it straight.

We did what you asked.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

What makes you ladies think I didnt want your advice?! I did. I really appreciated it. Especially @loves2shop4shoes. Your response was very thoughtful and I really do appreciate the time it took you. I'm taking in everything you ladies have said. I also have to take into account that you dont know me and my whole story but thats what happens when you post in a public forum for strangers. At the end of the day I asked for advice, I got it, and I'm grateful

lilacck28 · November 2014

Correct me if I'm wrong... but OP didn't seem to be complaining about our advice after the initial "wait no!" moment. She said she didn't agree to all of it, but she now seems to be taking it pretty well.

Not sure why a tangent about us being meanies was necessary.

GoldenPenguin · November 2014

lilacck28 said:

Correct me if I'm wrong... but OP didn't seem to be complaining about our advice after the initial "wait no!" moment. She said she didn't agree to all of it, but she now seems to be taking it pretty well.

Not sure why a tangent about us being meanies was necessary.

A tangent about us being meanies is ALWAYS necessary.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

I think its a little mean that yall keep skipping over all my "I appreciate the advice, thanks a bunch" posts. Can a sister at least get a "Love It' goodness! At least acknowledge me. lol. Im j/k...kind of .

GoldenPenguin · November 2014

OMG I'm SO glad you genuinely appreciated everyone's advice!!

Swazzle · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

I think its a little mean that yall keep skipping over all my "I appreciate the advice, thanks a bunch" posts. Can a sister at least get a "Love It' goodness! At least acknowledge me. lol. Im j/k...kind of .

Yea, you seem to really like us around here....

lifeisajourney said:
Uh oh OP, the popular girls dont remember you! You better run and hide.

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

OMG, @swazzle, you can't just ask people why they're white!

lifeisajourney · November 2014

@swazzle @loves2shop4shoes I dont know you guys personaly, plus I'm new here so I dont know who I like just yet but I do see that there are certain "queen bees" on the board. People that I'm assuming have been around for a while and kind of dominate the boards. I didnt say "mean girls" I said "popular"

Swazzle · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

@swazzle @loves2shop4shoes I dont know you guys personaly, plus I'm new here so I dont know who I like just yet but I do see that there are certain "queen bees" on the board. People that I'm assuming have been around for a while and kind of dominate the boards. I didnt say "mean girls" I said "popular"

And you also included a ton of sarcasm. If you so genuinely appreciated the advice you received and plan to stick around and get to know us all, I'm not really sure what the point of that comment was.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

Swazzle said:

lifeisajourney said:

@swazzle @loves2shop4shoes I dont know you guys personaly, plus I'm new here so I dont know who I like just yet but I do see that there are certain "queen bees" on the board. People that I'm assuming have been around for a while and kind of dominate the boards. I didnt say "mean girls" I said "popular"

And you also included a ton of sarcasm. If you so genuinely appreciated the advice you received and plan to stick around and get to know us all, I'm not really sure what the point of that comment was.

Did I include a ton of sarcasm or did you assume that I was being sarcastic? Thats the thing about communicating via text, you cant hear my voice so you cant always tell if I'm being sarcastic or not. I assure you I wasnt being sarcastic about being grateful for the advice. I was being sarcastic about yall not knowing the girl in the other post and giving her a hard time. Yall did give her a hard time at first bcuz you didnt recognize her. Thats what happened. The popular ppl on the board (the ppl who post a lot) didnt recognize her and were getting on her for just "popping up" . Thats the truth. Why that was so offensive I'm unsure. Lighten up! Have a drink. Its not that deep. Yall may not like me but I dont dislike anybody on this board. Not yet anyway, I dont have any reason not to.

loves2shop4shoes · November 2014

My only issue with @RN1989 was her essentially saying we were all being bitchy to you, when I for one took a considerable amount of time to write out a very thoughtful (and right, if I may be so bold) response.

lifeisajourney · November 2014

Your reply was very well thought out, maybe she wasnt referring to you in her post. She didnt actually mention any names. She just said some ppl were being very judgemental, which is true. Some ppl were. @loves2shop4shoes

Swazzle · November 2014

Just because someone's been here for a while and posts a lot that doesn't meant they're necessarily "popular". That's not really a term we use on this board/TK in general unless you're trying to be a smart ass. So yea, that's how I took it and it rubbed me the wrong way.

The "You better go run and hide" portion of your post without a doubt sounds sarcastic since why would you be serious when telling someone to do that on a message board. But if 'deny, deny, deny' is going to be your motto right now, then by all means.

lacqueredlover · November 2014

Ok what you aren't understanding is that giving you advice that isn't coddling you is not being judgmental, it's being honest. You actually said to me "you're being sooooooo judgmental" which made you come off whiny and bratty. You're on an online forum for adults, you won't like everything you see and you will get real, grown up responses based solely off of the information that you provide.

And your "uh oh you better run and hide" and "popular" comments were just snarky and unnecessary. Unless you were actually suggesting that she goes and runs and hides, it was a sarcastic comment. Sorry but you can't spin that any other way. If you're going to be sarcastic, at least own it, you'll get more respect for standing by your statements than for trying to deny and turn it around to say other people are misunderstanding you.

peekaboo2011 · November 2014

lifeisajourney said:

Swazzle said:

lifeisajourney said:

@swazzle @loves2shop4shoes I dont know you guys personaly, plus I'm new here so I dont know who I like just yet but I do see that there are certain "queen bees" on the board. People that I'm assuming have been around for a while and kind of dominate the boards. I didnt say "mean girls" I said "popular"

And you also included a ton of sarcasm. If you so genuinely appreciated the advice you received and plan to stick around and get to know us all, I'm not really sure what the point of that comment was.

Did I include a ton of sarcasm or did you assume that I was being sarcastic? Thats the thing about communicating via text, you cant hear my voice so you cant always tell if I'm being sarcastic or not. I assure you I wasnt being sarcastic about being grateful for the advice. I was being sarcastic about yall not knowing the girl in the other post and giving her a hard time. Yall did give her a hard time at first bcuz you didnt recognize her. Thats what happened. The popular ppl on the board (the ppl who post a lot) didnt recognize her and were getting on her for just "popping up" . Thats the truth. Why that was so offensive I'm unsure. Lighten up! Have a drink. Its not that deep. Yall may not like me but I dont dislike anybody on this board. Not yet anyway, I dont have any reason not to.

It IS kind of rude to pop up and be like "OMG I'M GETTING ENGAGED EVERYONE LOOK AT MEEEEEE" when this is an actual community of people who know each other and talk on a daily basis. We don't know you, we don't care.

Regarding people being judgmental, no one said anything rude or unwarranted. We ALL pointed out the issues in your relationship, which isn't judging. It's honesty. If you're going to stick around, you really should learn the difference.

bethsmiles · November 2014

peekaboo2011 said:

lifeisajourney said:

Swazzle said:

lifeisajourney said:

@swazzle @loves2shop4shoes I dont know you guys personaly, plus I'm new here so I dont know who I like just yet but I do see that there are certain "queen bees" on the board. People that I'm assuming have been around for a while and kind of dominate the boards. I didnt say "mean girls" I said "popular"

And you also included a ton of sarcasm. If you so genuinely appreciated the advice you received and plan to stick around and get to know us all, I'm not really sure what the point of that comment was.

Did I include a ton of sarcasm or did you assume that I was being sarcastic? Thats the thing about communicating via text, you cant hear my voice so you cant always tell if I'm being sarcastic or not. I assure you I wasnt being sarcastic about being grateful for the advice. I was being sarcastic about yall not knowing the girl in the other post and giving her a hard time. Yall did give her a hard time at first bcuz you didnt recognize her. Thats what happened. The popular ppl on the board (the ppl who post a lot) didnt recognize her and were getting on her for just "popping up" . Thats the truth. Why that was so offensive I'm unsure. Lighten up! Have a drink. Its not that deep. Yall may not like me but I dont dislike anybody on this board. Not yet anyway, I dont have any reason not to.

It IS kind of rude to pop up and be like "OMG I'M GETTING ENGAGED EVERYONE LOOK AT MEEEEEE" when this is an actual community of people who know each other and talk on a daily basis. We don't know you, we don't care.

Regarding people being judgmental, no one said anything rude or unwarranted. We ALL pointed out the issues in your relationship, which isn't judging. It's honesty. If you're going to stick around, you really should learn the difference.

QFT. Especially when there is an entire board just for that where strangers will squee with you.

Help! I need relationship advice

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